Salads and Natural Accessories

Sorry for the lack of post on Friday, my dear 6(00) readers. I had a terrible migraine all day and just couldn't face the computer screen. But! This weekend was chock-a-block with good things and I have plenty to share with you today.

Salads

You guys, I made awesome fruit salad. It's peaches and banana and blueberries and strawberries. I wanted to get in on the last few moments of strawberries for the season and boy howdy, is this delicious. I opted to skip the citrus, as I have been eating a lot of citrus avocado salad lately and I'm a little burned out on oranges. Also, since this was my fruit salad, I decided against the BS grapes and apples component. To me, that's filler. And apples aren't very good right now, are they? I wanted to have pineapple in there but I didn't want to carry a pineapple home from the grocery store. Next time.

In other salad news, I made a quick cucumber, grape tomato, basil salad with a little bit of red wine vinegar. Booyah! Delicious. What feels better in the summer than eating fresh fruits and vegetables? Nothing. Nothing at all.


Natural Accessories

I had the good fortune to play dress up with two of my dear friends this weekend. Clarification: they played dress up, I played fashion police. MY FAVORITE GAME. Both ladies did an absolutely amazing job of finding exactly the right outfit and they'll both look phenomenal when they wear these out. AND! Both ladies had little touches that completely transformed one look into two or three. The difference between a pewter strappy sandal and red faux-suede heels can truly transform a dress. The same top in a different color can take a look from date to office. These are all really great things to keep in mind. I honestly felt a little superfluous in the "styling salons" of friends' homes this weekend but look out world because a couple of hotties are going to be perfectly dressed and looking for love!

A couple of things came up, though, that we haven't touched on here. So let me share with you what was discussed this weekend.

1. Don't be afraid of your boobs.
So you usually wear higher cut necklines and aren't used to seeing the girls in a deep V-neck? That can make even the most confident woman think twice about wearing that low cut dress. Take the most objective look at yourself you can: sexy or trashy? If the answer is the former, be bold and steel yourself to make the entire city fall to its knees. If it's the latter, maybe try a camisole underneath and see if you can split the difference. And if you're really not comfortable but love the dress or shirt, see what a well-placed safety pin can do. Also: double stick tape is your friend.

2. Tattoos as accessories.
We haven't talked about this! Your sweet ink can take the place of a necklace or bracelet! If you have an amazing chest piece, ditch the necklace. Awesome arm tattoos certainly don't need to be cluttered up with a chunky cuff. But you can also use accessories to accentuate your ink. If you have something gorgeous or tuff on your forearm or wrist, a bunch of jangly bangles will draw attention to your permanent self-expression. Same for the menfolk: cool tattoos + leather cuff/neat watch = DAAAAAAAMN.

Go forth and use your natural accessories!

Let's Get Real About Our Wardrobes

First, a bit of housekeeping: Way Too Shay is on Facebook now! If you "like" Way Too Shay, you'll get updated every time a new post goes up here. Just look for Britney and Justin in their denim... you'll know you've found it. I also created an email address (waytooshay @ gmail dot com) so you can email me if you have ideas for things you want me to write or if you need to get ready for a red carpet appearance.

*****


Last weekend I spent some time putting away my sweaters and pulling out my summer gear. I store my off-season clothes and shoes in a giant Ikea bag under my bed, which is very sophisticated. I like switching over because I found some things I had forgotten about (just as good as buying new clothes!) and I had the opportunity to try on my bathing suit, which is still the greatest bathing suit I've ever had (men's board shorts and a bikini top - totally cute).

While I was discovering forgotten clothes, I pulled out one of my favorite summer skirts and intended to wear it today. It's very light cotton, pretty design, floaty full skirt. But here's the thing that I didn't remember about this skirt (or perhaps never noticed before?): it's absolutely the wrong length. It falls about mid-calf, which is sometimes okay on me but not with the fullness of this skirt. It was Stump City, population: Meg. In the past I think I would have just ignored the fact that the skirt made me look bigger and shorter than I am and just worn the thing but today is a new day, folks.

I decided that I will no longer wear clothes that don't flatter my figure, even if they are really comfortable and/or look pretty on the hanger. For my frame, a skirt needs to fall just above or just below the knee. A-line or pencil silhouettes are my best bet. Shirts should end around mid-hip. Tight cap sleeves don't do me any favors. Dresses either need to have definition at the waist or be a true A-line. Tea-length is no good. Two inches below the knee is no good. Jeans need to fit my butt and not be saggy. This is the new world order!

Unfortunately, more than a few things I have will need to go. I have a favorite old black skirt I've been holding onto even though it is a) two sizes ago, and b) one of those two-inches-below-the-knee disasters. I don't know why I've been holding onto it for so long, but it's about to go in the donation bin. Same for the skirt I had hoped to wear today, the shirt I love that only reaches just below the button on my jeans (making my waist look wider), yellow shirt that washes me out, and the three or four tight cap sleeved button-downs I have been trying to make work for years. Goodbye, unflattering clothes!

And so, dear 6 readers, I challenge you to follow me. Take the most objective look you can at your closet and weed out the things that don't help you look as fabulous as you are. We can do this together and we can take over the world, simply by wearing clothes that fit.


And necklaces.

Happy birthday, gorgeous!

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.



Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?



Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.





It's been a number of years since my obsession faded, but I still have a lot of love in my heart for this woman. I wonder what 85 year old Marilyn would be like. Probably hell on wheels and a lot of fun.

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 24 and 25

Happy Memorial Day! Let's celebrate with some Rules!


Rule 24:

Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and Other Rules for Women with Children

Basically:
Don't talk about your kids too much, don't introduce your kids to every person you date, don't make him worry about your kids, DO make him earn the privilege of meeting your kids.


BS Meter:
I have no idea. I don't have kids. I think, yeah, duh, it's a good idea not to parade every potential suitor in front of your children. That's probably totally confusing for them. But...

Points of Interest:

When you meet a man at a dance or social situation, it isn't really necessary to mention your children at all. Let him take your phone number, then wait until he calls for you to gently weave it into the conversation. Don't say in a serious tone, "I need to tall you something." Remember in Rule 19: Don't Open Up Too Fast, we advise you to tell him about yourself very informally. Just casually say, "Oh that's my son playing the piano," or something like that.

Again with going to dances! What is it with these ladies?

But remember that there are plenty of single fathers out there who want to remarry. So go to PTA meetings with a smile on your face and wearing a nice outfit.

You'll probably still need that nose job, though, right?

Meg's Alternate Rule:
I feel like my alternate rules are turning into one long string of Be Honest. That said, I totally agree that you should probably not introduce the kids until it's something kind of serious. That just makes good sense.

Rule 25:

Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)

Basically:
Filler and rehash of what we've already learned. But! In this chapter it is revealed that you can use The Rules for friends, family members, and in the office.

If you think of The Rules as a manual for life rather than simply as rules for getting married, you might do them more often. Then, when you meet the man of your dreams, you'll have had plenty of Rules practice.

BS Meter:
Oh, Ellen and Sherrie. Don't tell me that if things are strained with my sister that I should not call her but simply return her calls. Or that if I say hello to the babysitter first that she will take advantage of me and leave me feeling empty. Listen, if a babysitter is leaving you feeling hurt and empty, you are probably having an inappropriate relationship with the babysitter.

Points of Interest:

It's not necessary to have a high IQ to do The Rules, just a certain degree of determination. In fact, highly educated girls have the hardest time with The Rules. They tend to think all this is beneath them.

BINGO. I am a highly educated, judgmental bitch-slut. Thanks for pointing that out. Same quote continued...

They'll say, "I went to graduate school, I'm not playing these games," or "I'm in management. I believe in being up front with men about my needs, my opinions, and who I really am. I refuse to be demure and smile when I don't feel like it."

wait wait wait - it's about to get REALLY good...

If you think you're too smart for The Rules, ask yourself, "Am I married?" If not, why not? Could it be that what you're doing isn't working?

Or could it be that you've dated a bunch of idiots who don't deserve your open, honest communication about needs and opinions? I don't know, just a highly educated guess. But also, these ladies seem to imply that if you're stupid, you'll be just fine. How insulting! A lady bought your dumb book and now you're just laughing in her face. $10 well spent.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
To quote the Sassy Gay Friend, "Look at your life, look at your choices." As I cautiously stick my baby toes into the dating waters for the first time in years, I'm doing a lot of thinking about habits I fell into in the past and things I'd like to change to find deeper fulfillment in my life. Not necessarily in my dating life, but I think it's probably going to bleed over. That reminds me. I have to go call my sister. Not because we have a strained relationship but because I want to. Try to stop me, Rules Girls.

Hot Damn!

My dear 6 readers, I have amazing news. The inimitable Gigi is going to take me to see the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met (at a time to be determined).

FASHION FREAK OUT!!!!!!



These are from two of my favorite McQueen shows - Highland Rape (2006) is the first 5 photos. I love that collection so much. Gemma Ward being swallowed by organza? Amazing. The last two are from the fall 2009 couture collection (I'm not sure what it was called - I mean probably something borderline offensive, right?). This reminds me of images I've seen from Matthew Barney films...you know, PLUS absolutely incredible construction. I like that it's a little bit beautiful and a lot bit scary.

OBVIOUSLY I will be reporting back to you in breathless detail. Really? Do you even need to ask?

Speaking of internet dating...

Okay, so I haven't done the last two Rules for this week's installment, but since we were talking about internet dating (and personal ads, according to Ellen and Sherrie), I had to share some stuff with you. The always-wonderful Hairpin has a post about The Pros and Cons of Online Dating that is mostly genius.

Con: Coming across anyone you work with. You'll end up sitting across from Pam from accounting in a strategy meeting and only seeing “MBA ISO BBM 4 sum PDA, NSA” plastered across her forehead.

And through that post, I was directed to Pants Lock, where people can share the worst "hello" messages they have received. This is genius. A few samples:

"u must be kidding me !!!! r u really single ? lol"

"For 42 you are quite breathtaking!"

"It has been a very special time for me this morning looking through your pictures making me wonder, what I can do in return. And my conclusion for today is that I can open my heart and my inner mental world to all creatures i meet. Just as I am. And I will do so and enjoy my freedom to be."

"Why is it all the pretty girl have kids… ugh."

but the best one... oh my god. Don't read below if you are faint of heart, at work, or have just taken a large sip of water.









"Nice profile ! Are you into vaginal fisting by chance ?"




WHAT!?!?!?!

The worst one I got was a racist joke. No hello, no signature, just a racist joke. I can't remember what it was because I immediately deleted it. Another person sent, "ur pics r awesome. I give gr8 foot massages." I don't think it's going to work out with him for a couple of reasons:
1. If you can't take the time to write out complete words, it's already over.
2. I hate massages and I hate having my feet touched. Even if it's gr8 for you.

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 21-23

After a long pause, we are back with more Rules. This is really just a teaser… only three Rules today with more to come tomorrow. Sharpen your knives, dear 6 readers! We’re getting to the good stuff now. As per usual, all of the insane blockquoted text belongs to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

Rule 21:

Accentuate the Positive and Other Rules for Personal Ads

Basically:
Okay, this is all about placing personal ads in the newspaper, since the internet had not invented Plenty of Fish/OK Cupid/eHarmony/Match/etc/etc/etc in 1995, but we can just look at it as if they’re talking about internet dating. I suppose there is nothing stopping you from putting a personal ad in a paper, but those are generally reserved for escorts nowadays, yes? Basically when you write your ad/profile keep it breezy (like Monica Geller) and short and don’t be afraid to ask for exactly the kind of man you want. They also recommend you disclose your religion right away in your ad, which is maybe a little weird? When you answer an ad/profile, be cute and breezy, don’t send “sleazy pictures” and only agree to a date if you get a good feeling about a guy. Also, never give him your address and get his number so you can give it to your mom or friend before the date in case you go missing.

BS Meter:
The advice about giving out the dude’s contact info to your nearest and dearest before meeting him alone is pretty solid. Other than that, some of the things they want you to keep in mind are a little bit of a girl-on-girl crime. Read on:

Points of Interest:

Perhaps a man will not mind your extra twenty pounds when he sees your beautiful face, but chances are he won’t answer such a candid ad.

This would be The Rules’ way of telling you “no fatties.”

End the note by saying something like, “Well, I’m off to my aerobics class. Hope to hear from you soon.”

End the note by saying something like, “I swear I’m not fat. Hope to hear from you soon.”

You have no idea what he looks like and he may have been exaggerating about how handsome he is. On the other hand, he could very well be Kevin Costner’s twin.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Be yourself as much as possible and post attractive yet accurate photos on your profile. Then assume that everyone else on there is lying and isn’t as cute as their photos. Wouldn’t it be nice to be surprised rather than be disappointed? Also, in addition to giving your bff the number/email of the guy you’re going to see, I recommend you Google the shit out of him. Get his last name before you meet in person, look him up on police blotter records, Megan’s Law websites, and do a general Google as well. I wouldn’t, you know, tell the person that you Googled him on your first date though…that’s a little awkward.

Rule 22:

Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)

Basically:
Don’t live with him, don’t leave any of your stuff at his place - not even a toothbrush at his house- until you’ve set the date. Pssht, what’s wrong with you, girlfriend! If you were really following The Rules you wouldn’t be seeing him more than a couple of times a week! You can’t uphold that Rule if you live together! DUH.

BS Meter:
I understand the argument but living together is fun. I’m pretty sure that Ellen and Sherrie would pop a blood vessel pointing to my failed living together type relationship, but it was a good time. To each their own, I think.

Points of Interest:

Remember, men don’t necessarily propose when you’re cuddled up on the couch watching a rented video, but do so when they’re afraid of losing you. In Love Story - a movie you should study like the Bible […]

But be a little distant and difficult. The unobtainable is always more exciting; men very often want something more just because they can’t have it.

[…]

Is there any reason to live with a man if you haven’t set a wedding date? Yes, and that’s when he wants to and you don’t!

Um, instead how about…DON’T LIVE WITH SOMEONE YOU DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Oh god, just feel it out. If you’re apartment has become a closet you spend $650/month to rent, it’s probably more economical to just move in. It may not work out, but you might have lots of fun.


Rule 23:

Don’t Date a Married Man

Basically:
If you date a married man, you are going to just miserably sit around, wishing his wife would die. The sex might be good (wait, we’re allowed to have sex now?) but eventually that will go away and you are just going to end up crying on Valentine’s Day.

BS Meter:
Everyone knows that the day before Valentine’s Day is Mistress’ Day! DUH. Problem solved! But for real, if you date a married dude, there will more than likely be problems.

Points of Interest:
Our girls get really bitchy and preachy here. Enjoy!

All these women [who date married men] suffer from low self-esteem, or why would they settle for so little? We are not big advocates of therapy, but we believe it would be worth $125 an hour to find out why you would do this to yourself.

Wait a minute, my therapist charged $125/hr…I thought that was really expensive but this book is 15 years old so I must be getting a good rate!

You’re a Rules girl! Your life is never on the edge because of a man. Either a man is available and in love with you or he’s taken and you have nothing to do with him romantically. You are not desperately waiting in the wings for his situation to change. You are not someone who waits and hopes while he takes his wife and kids to Disney World. You have a life of your own.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Yeah, don’t date married dudes. Handle separated dudes with care, getting the scoop with their ex and all that. And you gotta be real with yourself: sometimes they work it out and get back together. Overall, respect yourself and be careful with your heart.

Fire and Brimstone!!!!

So let's just say that there is some great clerical error in the sky and I do end up getting taken tomorrow in the Rapture. I mean, obviously that's not going to happen for many, many reasons but let's just pretend. There are so many things I will never get to do! Let's go down the list, shall we?

* Get married
* Have kids
* Own a house/car/dog/Pucci print scarf/Guns N Roses Greatest Hits
* Pay off my student loans (no really, I am looking forward to that!)
* Buy a big girl bed*
* Not sleep on dog sheets as a single woman in her 30s**
* Get vajazzled (oh, ps guys, you can now penazzled [thanks to Robert for the correct term])
* Have plastic surgery
* Do a cleanse
* Get involved in a celebrity scandal
* Wear a gown by Oscar de la Renta or Armani Privé
* Learn all the words to It's The End of the World As We Know It
* Buy PartyLite merchandise
* Figure out how to enjoy eating eggs
* Go grey...down there
* Learn how to pronounce Koyaanisqatsi
* Play Farmville/CafeWorld/etc.
* Follow The Rules.

But perhaps the truest and most disturbing thing is that I'd never have the chance to see the final Harry Potter film. I suppose that will save me from getting entirely too upset about things they change and scoffing under my breath, "Pssht. NOT CANON." Enjoy the Rapture, my dear 6 readers! See ya Monday!




*Seriously. Right now I sleep in a twin daybed that my sister was kind enough to lend me. I call it my giant baby crib. I am totally buying myself a big girl bed for my birthday, though.
** On the giant baby crib? Flannel sheets with very cute French bulldogs on skis, wearing sweaters. I love these sheets very much but... giant baby crib + flannel dog sheets = Miss Havisham at 31.

My gift to you

On this, the anniversary of my birth, I am passing along this present from Kat to you. Hot Guys Reading Books!




Oh, but don't think I'm not equal opportunity. From a different Tumblr account, I give you Fuck Yeah! Anne Hathaway

Greetings from Chicago!

Sooooo many people are wearing leggings as pants here.

My dear 6 readers, in discussing this blog with reader #4, Marsha, it has come to my attention that I haven't been terribly clear about my thoughts on necklaces. I'm going to come right out and say it: I rarely wear necklaces in day-to-day life. I am a fan of the big earrings and I think we can all agree that big earrings + necklace = TOO SHAY.

I am very much pro-necklace with formal wear, especially on strapless dresses and ESPECIALLY on stars of stage and screen. Here's why: many of them are skinny minnies and wear these low strapless gowns. This opens up a lot of real estate between chin and dress and for many of these women, their clavicles could use some decoration. My other reason for wanting to see more necklaces is simply because I, average lady of the world, do not have the opportunity to borrow two million dollars worth of diamonds from Cartier and I feel that it is unfair of those who have that opportunity to turn it down. I want to see these girls dripping in jewels (non-conflict jewels, of course) just so I can imagine what it would be like to wear ten pounds of rubies.

In day-to-day life? I say do what feels comfortable, dear 6 readers. I would never jump out from behind anyone's cubicle and criticize their outfit or accessories. Not unsolicited, anyway.

That said, should you have a formal event to attend, I am available for consultation. I am also available for the eating of Chicago hot dogs because oh my god they are so good.

On earworm music

My dear 6 readers, I am having a mental breakdown. I have not been able to get this one song out of my head for the last week. I won't punish you by embedding a video, but let's just say the artist's name rhymes with Cyley Myrus and the song includes accounts of raising one's arms, vocally making music, and throwing shindigs in America. I don't know anything other than the chorus, which makes it all the worse.

Once, in freshman year of high school, I got a Morrisey song stuck in my head for 8 months. It was awful and kind of hilariously ironic... "The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get." I haven't heard it since and I never want to.

This morning in order to flush my brain of Cyley Myrus's painful wailing, I looked up the thing I've been avoiding for a good month: Rebecca Black's "Friday." Oh, it is terrible. That poor girl. Why is she just listing the days that come after Friday? Oh, honey, no. So I thought, "Perfect! I'll have a stupid song in my head to replace the first one but since I don't hear this one everywhere I go it won't stick too long."

Wrong. Every time I try to recall the melody of "Friday" I have Cyley Myrus waving her arms in the air and having a shindig in America!

A fine sandwich in our fair city

My friend Maggie has been trying to take me to Paesano's for the past few months. Finally, on Saturday, we went! We visited their new "original" location in the Italian Market. To be honest, the ambience is a bit lacking - it is for real just a sandwich shop with some stools. But! What is lacking in ambience is more than made up for in DELICIOUS SANDWICHES. Maggie immediately ordered a Paesano (beef brisket, horseradish mayo, roasted tomatoes, pepperincino, sharp provolone & fried egg) but I had a harder time deciding. I eventually chose the Giardina (roasted eggplant, roasted fennel, caramelized peppers & onions, fresh mozzarella & basil pesto) and hoooooo buddy it was delicious. The fennel gave the sandwich a lovely sweet flavor and the eggplant was hearty. Though I don't generally like eggs, I had a bit of Maggie's sandwich and it was pretty awesome. While it seemed impossible to choose on the first visit, I know that I'll be back and most likely will eat my way through most of the menu. I just have to space it out because this is one of those places where you intend to save half of your sandwich for later but end up eating the whole thing because it is so good. I basically rolled out of there like Violet Beauregarde.

Paesano's

Italian Market
1017 s 9th street
Philadelphia, PA 19147

Northern Liberties
152 W Girard Ave
Philadelphia, PA 19123

RIP Arthur Laurents, the man who made me a stripper

Not exactly.

I am deeply saddened to hear of the passing of Arthur Laurents. His best known work was as the book writer for West Side Story and Gypsy. The latter of the two is hands-down my favorite musical of all time and had a profound impact on my life. No, seriously.

My sister, the inimitable Stupidcleese, and I watched Gypsy religiously as children. We watched a lot of other questionable movie musicals as well - Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (referred to in our house, still, as "7 for 7"), a story of kidnap and, ummm, rape; A Chorus Line, the perfect way for children to learn about tits and ass; and of course there were the repeated viewings of Stupidcleese's beloved Annie, which is not questionable as much as dangerous because I am seriously going to stab the next person I hear singing "Easy Street." I have Annie PTSD.

Oh, but Gypsy! That is the best one! I used to sing along with the CD in my room alone and act out all the parts. My favorites to do were "Some People" and "Rose's Turn" - which could explain my extreme geeky joy when Kurt performed "Rose's Turn" on Glee. From the first couple of notes and that first "What did it get ya?" I was clapping and practically crying out of a haze of recognition for the 14 year old Meg in her grandmother's green velvet hat with the mesh veil strutting around her room, singing her guts out. It should be mentioned that 14 year old Meg in the hat with the mesh had no idea how complex Mama Rose is. She just really liked the drama in the song.

Cleese and I were perfect for Gypsy, she blonde and cute like Dainty June, me brunette and awkward like Louise. We used to sing "Baby June and Her Newsboys" all the time.
Cleese: "I have a moo cow, a new cow, a true cow named Caroline"
Meg: "M-moo m-moo"
Cleese: "She's an extra special friend of mine"
Meg: "M-moo m-moo"
...repeat ad nauseum.

I was enchanted by the vaudeville houses section of Gypsy, with Miss Mazeppa and all the other burlesque dancers. I thought it was ridiculously glamorous that Gypsy Rose Lee would have her photo taken in the bathtub and I had no idea why Mama Rose objected so much. Looking back, I wonder if my parents ever worried that my sister and I were so enthralled with this musical. (Mom, maybe you can chime in here?) My friend G choreographs musicals for a high school in South Jerz and while I was delighted to hear that they might do my beloved Gypsy next year, I wonder how terribly appropriate it is to have a 15 year old Tessie Tura.



I don't think we should underestimate the power of the musical. My blonde and talented sister has her sights set on the bigger and better stages, just like Dainty June. And, hilariously, her brunette big sister (who cannot sing as well) has had some success with a burlesque show. Yup, the aforementioned G and I now run around doing an educational show (really!) that involves singing and dancing and burlesque stripping. Somehow I think this all ties back to Gypsy, except without the terrifying stage mother. I'm not being photographed in the bathtub yet, but a girl can dream.

So, thank you Arthur Laurents, for the amazing work you did. Here's my favorite quote from the bathtub fight.

Nobody laughs at me! Because I laugh first. At me! Me, from Seattle! Me, with no education. Me, with no talent, as you kept reminding me my whole life! Well, Mama look at me now. I'm a star! Look! Look how I live! Look at my friends! Look where I'm going! I'm not staying in burlesque! I'm moving, maybe up, maybe down! But wherever it is, I'm enjoying it. I'm having the time of my life! Because for the first time, it is my life! And I love it. I love every second of it! And I'll be damned if you're gonna take it away from me! I am Gypsy Rose Lee! And I love her!

Met Ball 2011 - just a short rundown

First of all, I know you are waiting with bated breath to see how else you can marginalize yourself in a relationship in order to score an expensive ring and I promise I will pick back up on blogging The Rules very soon. But in the meantime.... THE MET BALL! Every year the Costume Institute of the Metropolitan Museum holds this gigantic ball to kick off their exhibit and it's basically the fashion industry's prom/costume party/most high-pressure red carpet event of the year. Yes, even more than the Oscars because all of the designers are around along with Anna and Andre and all of the movers and shakers of the fashion industry. Celebrities, models, musicians, and socialites all walking the red carpet, trying to outdo each other. This is a very couture-friendly event. One of the only times a person can wear a gigantic kilt over a party dress and make top marks on every fashion radar.


(It helps if you position yourself next to Alexander McQueen in a matching outfit. RIP)

This year, there were some good frocks, some Royal Wedding-inspired hats, and also some really amazingly weird dresses. The exhibit this year is all McQueen, but since his most amazing stuff is in the museum, we didn't get too much of him on the rc. Also that would be a little bit like wearing the band's t-shirt to the concert. You don't want to be That Guy in front of Anna Wintour.

I decided to only pick three to profile because if I tried to do them all I would be blogging this for about a month. The girls over at Go Fug Yourself have so many more up on their site and they are hilarious, so please check them out for extended coverage. Let's get to it, shall we?

Best Dressed of the Night: Madonna. Seriously.


Yes! The color is divine on her, the embroidery detail is incredible, the silhouette is at once sexy and age-appropriate. Hold on. When was the last time anyone said that Madonna looked sexy and age-appropriate? Stella McCartney truly outdid herself on this dress for this woman. Paired with soft and glamorous styling, Madonna knocked it out of the park.

But here's where I have to worry about Madge. A reporter asks, "How do you feel in your dress tonight?" and she answers"A little bit fat." Oh Madonna, you have the Phantom Fat: no one can see it, but still you feel it. Stars! They're Just Like Us!

Ugliest Wedding Dress of the Night: Fergie Ferg!


Many years ago, an evil witch saw Fergie frolicking among the flowers and trees of the forest, singing Guns N Roses songs. Incensed by Fergie's determination to forever kill "Sweet Child of Mine" for all who hear her sing it, the witch cast a spell on her and Fergie was swallowed by the forest and forced to live in a tree, singing only with the birds. One day, her true love set her free by answering her song with his own voice. And she was released from the tree and joined forever with her prince. And Marchesa made her this wedding gown to commemorate her time in the forest. Unfortunately, Fergie got some weird plastic surgery right before her wedding and everyone wondered what the hell happened to her chin.

WHAT THE WHAT?! Gown of the Night: Christina Ricci!


The sad fact is that Christina Ricci has been wearing this dress as a sign of protest ever since Julie Taymor was ousted from Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark.

Sometimes I talk about my weight

So, I do the Weight Watchers. Well, it's more accurate to say that I've been paying for online WW for a number of years and mostly I just ignore it. But I have changed eating habits quite a bit in recent years and no longer think my 5'4 frame can get away with pizza and french fries for lunch 4 days a week without consequences like needing to buy new pants.

Yesterday I was delighted to discover that I am a mere 2 lbs away from my initial goal. Here's how weight goals work in my head: the initial goal is the first touchstone and ultimately where I think my body should live. I'll be straight up with you - initial goal is 135. This is 20-25 lbs less than I weighed in college and I've been working toward it for actual years. My "ultimate goal" is 130. I would like to touch that number, maybe for a week or so. But my brain is organized so that I can touch that number and then slide back to initial goal without feeling like a failure.

--SIDEBAR--
Look, I know numbers are silly. We should just go with how our body feels, right? And never get on a scale! And judge when it's time to stop already with the ice cream by how our pants fit! And cut the tags out of our clothes so that it's not about numbers! That's really a great and beautiful plan, but the truth is I am a woman living in America. I want to lose weight, I like quantifiable results, and I am going to continue stepping on a scale once a week. That doesn't mean I get depressed if I go up a pound or two. Usually I know exactly why that happened (beer/pizza) and can make reasonable adjustments to get back on track.
--END SIDEBAR--

Last night I was starving. When contemplating the food I would eat, what I wanted was all the cheesefries. And maybe some mozzarella sticks. And broccoli bites. You know how in Mermaids Cher's character only ever cooks appetizers? That's how I want my life to be, except they all have to be deep fried. But then. Oh, but then my dear 6 readers, I thought about that goal. And I realized that I also wanted a beer. Maybe two beers. So I went for moderation and got a salad. It was fantastic and satisfying and that completely surprised me. In the end, I had this salad and two REGULAR beers and it added up to fewer points than cheese fries and no beers. Win-Win.

Let's try to make it at home, shall we? I don't know how to make the dressing that was on it, but here are the ingredients.

Romaine lettuce
avocado
jicama (sliced into matchsticks)
orange sections
radishes
almonds
chile vinaigrette (no idea)

I think you could probably use any old vinaigrette on this and those are super easy to make at home. All you need is dijon mustard, vinegar of your choosing (but use a really good balsamic, you'll thank me), maybe a little garlic or shallot, salt, pepper, oil. Whisk whisk whisk DONE. Here is the Mark Bittman recipe, if you need it.

Back to our salad, the jicama is KEY. That totally made it for me. I found that with that nice texture in there I didn't need the radishes, but they added a little bit of color. I always feel that nuts on a salad are kind of optional, and I could go either way on these almonds. This is a light, delicious salad that is easy enough for a weekend lunch and fancy enough to serve for company. Oh, and here's what jicama looks like so you can go find it.


I love you, jicama.

These two...

Beatrice and Eugenie were like, Let's wear something fun! Something that will get us noticed at our cousin's weddding! We know just the thing!



And I'm like...




And they're like, No, seriously, we look GOOD!




And I'm like...




PS, Beatrice. Lay off the eyeliner, doll. We are not Margot Tenenbaum.

God Save the ... Princess

Of course because I have been excited about the Royal Wedding for months I totally set my alarm for 4 PM. Thanks to Rosey and Katya for texting me their reactions and thereby waking me up at 6:15! I reacted exactly the same as the first lines of dialogue in Four Weddings and Funeral. I threw on some pants (still cursing), threw on a shirt, shoved my feet in shoes, wiped last night mascara from under my eyes and absolutely ripped out of the house and ran to get the bus. I was freaking out.

Then I remembered that what I was late for was essentially going to my friend's house to watch tv.

Kate's dress is gorgeous and, dreamy sigh, McQueen. I liked her simple veil and pretty tiara. Though Wills looked a bit like a cartoon character with the super bright red and blue, he looked lovely as well. I was totally shocked that the bridesmaids were in white, though Pippa's cowlneck McQueen was a stunner. And the Queen was dressed like a very fashionable lemon.* I was a little disappointed in Camilla's hat, though she looked lovely. Elton and David looked dashing, and the OTHER David (Beckham, ovbs) looked a little silly but nice in his ascot. Posh Spice looked gorgeous and is the tiniest 5 month pregnant woman I've ever seen. She's also the only pregnant woman I've ever seen in 7 inch Louboutins.

All in all, everyone was gorgeous and the newlyweds looked genuinely happy. I will admit that I didn't know Wills' voice was that deep. And I will admit that I squeeled quite a bit and maybe cried a little when this happened...




*Thanks to Lauren and Rosey for the lemon comment.

Predictions

Kilts for the boys. Formal kilts.

Square neck, cap sleeves, A-line dress on Kate.

Cathedral-length veil. BOOYAH!

Kate's jewelry in diamond and sapphire to match her ring (and give us that "something blue").

The biggest, most extravagent hat you've ever seen on Camilla.

Boatneck on the bridesmaid dresses.

At least 2 Elton John reaction shots.

At least 1 reaction shot of the Queen where she looks kind of bored.

Unimpressive hat on the Queen. (I'm just trying to save you some disappointment.)

Stupid American news anchors talking over the wedding ceremony and/or trying to use British-isms along the lines of "All of Will's mates are here. They played football yesterday, which means soccer." WE KNOW!

Constant mention of how Wills must be missing his mom on this special day. Constant.

Harry looking fiiiiiiiiine.



I understand that some don't really get the hoopla, but it's fun for me. I like weddings, I like celebrities, and I think this is one cute couple. Also, the last enormous pop-culture wedding I got was stupid Carrie and Big and what happened there? He doesn't show up for her dream wedding, stranding her in a crazy-awesome dress and whack hat. Then later he gives her a shoe and she marries him completely on his terms, thereby setting the tone for the rest of their lives. I still get angry about this.

Someone think of a cute nickname for me like Waity- Katie

The best anyone in grade school could ever come up with was Peg Leg Meg. When I pointed out to the girl who liked to tease me that it lacked creativity and made no sense, she went back to calling me Geek. Still lacking creativity but at least fairly accurate.

ANYWAY!

Thank you, Huffington Post, for adding to my reading torture list with this post on Books With Worst Dating Advice Ever!

Of course The Rules is in there, second on the list. And on that note I can only promise you that I will have a Rules post up soon. I cannot wait to get to the part where they talk about not dating for more than 2 years (the 2 year limit ended by the marriage, obvs).



In related news, ZOMG ROYAL WEDDING THIS WEEK! I am attending a viewing party bright and early (read: 5:30 AM - cray cray) at a friend's house. She is providing bagels, mimosas, and tiaras. Dress code is pajamas. Yes, that means I will be riding the bus to her house in my penguin pajama pants. Perhaps I will change up the shirt, though. Lately I've been wearing a breast cancer awareness shirt to bed (my sheets totally do breast self-exams in the washing machine, because they are so aware now) that has two baseballs over the boobs and reminds you to "Save Second Base!" I love wearing this shirt because it makes me think of my dear friend Lauren, who was with me when I bought it. I love wearing this shirt to bed because it is sooooo soft. However. The bus across town at 5 AM on a Friday is perhaps not going to be the best time to literally attach targets to my breasts.

My mom is going to a royal wedding watching party with her friends where the dress code is "tiara-casual." She is not getting up early to watch the wedding because, as she told me a couple of weeks ago, "We're old and smart. We're DVRing it!" AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT SPOILERS, MOM!??!!?

Deconstructing Mungo Jerry

In true Philadelphia fashion, we have completely skipped spring and summer started yesterday. Girls wearing shorts so short they can only be termed "jeans underwear" hit the streets and boys were wearing tank tops. The people who get weekly pedicures gleefully busted out their sandals and people like me who think pedicures are NO FUN AT ALL continued to wear shoes that don't show our gross feet.

This morning I woke up sweating slightly. You could call it my morning glisten but believe me, it looks way less attractive than you think. Even though I went to bed reading Bossypants (which is amazing and great and holy crap, Tina Fey, please be my friend), I woke with a song in my head. And that song was Mungo Jerry's "In The Summertime."

You guys, I hate this song. It's not the song itself - certainly the sunny music and jaunty melody are infectious - it's the lyrics. Let's examine, shall we? (WARNING: Triggers below. This song is super-date-rapey.)

In the summertime when the weather's high,
you can stretch right up and touch the sky,
when the weather's fine,
you got women, you got women on your mind.
Okay, not so bad yet....

Have a drink, have a drive,
go out and see what you can find.
WHAT?! No! Do not encourage drinking and driving, Mungo Jerry! I realize it was the 70s and I have seen Dazed and Confused enough times to know that apparently the thing to do was fill your trunk with beer and tool around, but that is DANGEROUS.

Okay, now all I can think of is that scene in Jesus Christ Superstar where the guy with the deep voice intones "He is daaaaaaaangerous." Eh, it was just Easter. Free pass.

If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal.
If her daddy's poor, just do as you feel.
Multiple flags on the play. It seems poor logic to plan your dating activities on the relative wealth of the girl's father. Secondly, this is an icky date rape type lyric. I think these lines are the reason I hate this song so much.

Speed along the lane,
Do a ton, or a ton and twenty-five.
Drinking and driving and driving fast are not a good combination. Even Vin Diesel would agree and who are we to question Vin Diesel?

When the sun goes down, you can make it,
make it good in a lay-by.
Side of the road sex. Possibly non-consensual.

We're not grey people, we're not dirty, we're not mean.
We love everybody, but we do as we think.
F'n hippies. Hippies who drink and drive and take advantage of girls whose fathers may or may not be able to afford lawyers.

When the weather's fine
we go fishing or go swimming in the sea.
We're always happy,
life's for living, yeah, that's our philosophy.
I'm not going fishing with you, Mungo Jerry. Who knows what you got in your tacklebox.

Sing along with us, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Da-da-da-da-da...Yeah, we're happy happy,
da-da-da-da-dah.
Hippies.

When the winter's here, then it's party time.
Bring a bottle, wear your bright clothes.
It'll soon be summertime, and we'll sing again,
we'll go drivin' or maybe we'll settle down.
This is pretty accurate. Lots of parties around the holidays and all anyone can ever talk about is how they can't wait for summer. Even though everyone knows that red wine tastes better in the winter.

If she's rich, if she's nice,
bring your friends and we'll all go into town.
But don't bring any poor girls to my fucking Christmas party this year!

Safety is cute!

As spring lurches in fits and starts toward Philadelphia, many things seem just a pollen-filled breath away. Evening strolls to the East Passyunk outpost of Capogiro, Saturday mornings spent watching cuties in tank tops reading in Rittenhouse, the smell of neighbors' grills all weekend, and - perhaps best of all - tooling around on my bike again.

I'm a fairly new bike rider and a sort of timid one at that. I don't bike when it's too cold, I don't bike when there's a chance of rain, I don't bike when I have people to impress because of the sweaty hair issue. Also, I always always always wear a helmet. I know far too many people who have been hit/doored/etc. on their bikes not to wear a helmet. AND I'm sort of uncoordinated, which just raises my risk level. I inherited my current bike and helmet from my ex-boyfriend, which was very sweet of him. The helmet is a little old and definitely not cute, so I've been keeping an eye out for something very safe and maybe a little bit fashionable for this summer's transportation. And thanks to The Hairpin, I have found just the thing!

Yakkay makes bike helmets that look like adorable hats.


BOOM! Fashion and function! Yakkay, I think I love you.

Remembering Elizabeth Taylor

I was born in 1980. This means that, among other things, I grew up with typewriters AND computers, I know all the words to every Debbie Gibson song ever recorded, and I know that if you have $70 and a pair of girl's underpants you are safe as kittens. This also means that by the time I got to her Elizabeth Taylor was battling diseases, middle age, and seemed to always be on the cover of the National Enquirer with Michael Jackson.

-- SIDEBAR --
My love affair with gossip and celebrity started early as I would hungrily devour as much of the covers of trashy mags like the National Enquirer as possible while waiting the supermarket checkout line with my mom. I never got up the courage to ask her to buy it for me when I was a kid, though I was DYING to know all about everything inside. And I never picked it up off the shelf, as I was pretty sure Mom would not have liked that. I'm also pretty sure that if I asked my mom she would have said "Definitely not" to buying me a gossip rag. Nowadays my mom saves copies of US Weekly for me from the dental office where she works because she knows that Stars! They're Just Like Us cracks me up so much. "They use umbrellas!" OH MY GOD SO DO I!!!!!
-- END SIDEBAR --

Once I got to be old enough to appreciate fashion and fabulosity (oh, say, 5 years ago) I at once loved Elizabeth Taylor. She is one of the only people on this earth I consider truly glamorous. She was a terrific actor, of course, we know this. But the glamour! To be sure, we can learn many lessons from our Liz...and I'll bet you're about to be able to guess one of the reasons I loved her oh so much and/or the effect she had on me.

Lesson 1: Boatneck dresses are the perfect time to bust out a necklace.




Lesson 2: Deep décolletage is enhanced by a necklace.




Lesson 3: V-necks and necklaces are best friends.


Lesson 4: Adorable short hair + big earrings = skip the necklace.


Lesson 5: Halter necklines don't need a necklace, just some fantastic earrings.


Lesson 6: Sometimes you just need to ignore the rules and pile on the jewels.


Lesson 7: Necklaces are fun to play with.


It also doesn't hurt, when posing for a photograph, to telegraph that you want to make out with the person on the other end of the camera, or that perhaps you know a secret about them. I'll be sure to keep this in mind from now on.

This remembrance post is long overdue, but it's never too late to say goodbye. But not so fast, von Ryan...These have always brought me luck.

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 16-20

We are halfway through book 1, aka The Rules: Original Recipe. Of, if you prefer, the OG Rules. As usual, all block quoted text belongs to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Listen girls and boys, there may be some triggering things in here, round about Rule 18 - just giving you fair warning. Ready or not, here we go....


Rule 16:

Don't Tell Him What To Do

Basically:
Let him do whatever he wants to do, even if it hurts your feelings. Don't try to fix him, wait until he asks you to fix him (because that ever happens).

BS Meter:
Fairly high. One of the points is either say everything he does is okay or break up with him. Black or white.

Points of Interest:

If, after dating you for months, he has never introduced you to his parents or friends, that means he doesn't want you to meet his parents or friends. He may simply be shy about the whole thing.

Oooor, in the immortal words of Liz Lemon, "S that D. Shut it down. DEAL BREAKER."

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Be honest about your feelings in a non-accusatory way. Use your words, specifically your "I feel" words. And honey, if he wants to go camping with his buddies every weekend instead of hanging out with you? You have a "classic case of fruit blindness. Deal breaker."

Rule 17:

Let Him Take The Lead

Basically:
He is Antonio Bandaris.



BS Meter:
Skyrockets in flight. Holy moly! What they mean by Let Him Take The Lead is that he gets to decide everything, you wait for him to say I love you first, you meet his parents before he meets yours, you meet his friends before he meets yours, etc.

Points of Interest:

He declares love first, just as he picks most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts the two of you go to. He might sometimes ask you for your preference, in which case you can tell him.

He might sometimes ask you for your preference. Until then it's Michael Bay all the way, girlfriend!

oh, and...

Don't worry. After he proposes, he will eventually meet all your friends and family.

HEADSPLOSION.


Meg's Alternate Rule:
And I quote Madonna, "Express yourself." Spineless women are not a lot of fun.


Rule 18:

Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him

Basically:
Accept his flaws or find someone else! Well, certain flaws - there are the Unforgivable Curses of this realm: flirting with other girls in front of you, exhibiting violent behavior at times, not paying attention to you when you tell him something important (what? when you're letting him do all the speaking and the picking out of movies and restaurants?), or if he forgets your birthday.

BS Meter:
There is one thing I will stand behind here: please do what you can to get away from a violent partner. Please be careful and know that your friends love you. If you are in trouble, check out The Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE.

Points of Interest:

You must decide if you can live with him. Whether or not he ever cheats on you again, realize that the thought will always cross your mind. [...] Of course, a playboy type who falls in love with you because you did The Rules will automatically mend his ways. He will want to be monogamous because you, unlike other women he's dated, are busy, don't call him, make him wait for sex, and don't bring up marriage or the future.

Worked for Annette Bening!

Meg's Alternate Rule:
How would you feel if someone set about to change your habits? Sucks, right? Maybe you like to eat tofu in bed! Screw you, dude! You didn't even give it up on the first date! Now, let's reframe this: how do you feel about growing together in a partnership where you're each working on your own stuff at your own speed? And encouraging each other? And being hippies. That's not so bad, right?

Rule 19:

Don't Open Up Too Fast

Basically:
Wait until he says he loves you to tell him that you have abandonment issues, creditors knocking at your door, are in AA, have surgery scars, etc. Because once he says he loves you, those things don't matter! The Rules is magic, you see?

BS Meter:
From my point of view, if someone I was dating waited until we spilled out the ILYs to tell me that they had some serious stuff they were dealing with, I would feel a bit weird. Oh, but you don't understand, The Rules says,

It is morally wrong to accept an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share.

Yeah, so just slip that in somewhere between the breezy first few dates and the "blessed proposal."

Points of Interest:
I present to you without comment the following quotes:

After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him something like, "I used to drink a lot in college. It really made me sick. Now I'm in AA and I don't drink anymore. I feel better. Then smile and go on to other, more pleasant conversation.
[...]
He should always feel that he's in love with the girl of his dreams, not someone damaged.
[...]
Don't bring up illness in a serious, heart-to-heart talk on your first date. Remember, especially in the beginning, don't be too intense about anything or lay all your cards on the table.
[...]
No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
I'monna walk a fine line here because you know, maybe "I have $100,000 of debt" is not a great first date factoid. It's hard to share these kinds of things and you want to wait for the right time. But if you have intimacy issues or something else that might be good to be shared before hitting it the first time, please DO share before hitting it the first time. And special note: if you're a virgin, it's totally cool to be up front with that when it seems like you might be on Sex Before Marriage Blvd. Unless you don't want to reveal such facts, in which case that's totally cool, too. Your body, your choice.

Rule 20:

Be Honest but Mysterious

Basically:
Don't give away any information that is not absolutely necessary. Less is more. Men love mystery.

BS Meter:
Awesome. Hide your Prozak (it says this IN THE BOOK, I swear to God), hide your gross bathrobe, hide your self-help books (which you don't need because you are a butterfly or something, remember?), and if someone calls while he's over just say "can't talk" and hang up, never telling him who was on the phone. OH! But don't lie! It's a "law of the universe."

Points of Interest:

When he is in your apartment, don't listen to your answering machine. Let him wonder who called you besides him! You might know that the messages are probably from girlfriends feeling suicidal about their dating situations, but he doesn't!

Two things. One: I'm guessing your girlfriends went on a 14 hour first date that included disco dancing and then slept with the guy, thereby not following The Rules. That's probably why they're suicidal. Two: um, help your suicidal girlfriends! You are a terrible friend.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Okay, there is mystery and then there is stupidity. I'm all for shoving the mess in the closet when company is over and pretending I cleaned, but I'm not about to pepper my house with "intersting or popular novel or nonfiction books in full view." You wanna love me? You're gonna have to get in bed with Harry... Potter, that is.

Still Alive!

Dear 6 readers, I am back from outer space, aka out of town. Are you ready for more of The Rules? Good! Check back here in the morning! Until then, don't forget:



You rule! Thanks for sticking with me during a very hectic time.

Groom School

As a sort of companion/antithesis to our Rules blogging, I give you... GROOM SCHOOL. Alfred Angelo Bridal introduced their hilarious boot camp today on the web and you guys have to check it out.

I'm not sure what I like better - the stock photo of Diane and Jim Taylor, their relationship experts, or their "Yes Honey" philosophy. You have to click through the class list (if just to see the photos of happy men ironing, cooking, and doing laundry).

* I'm Sorry 101
* Does This T-Shirt Smell Funny?
* Science of Dishwashing I
* Science of Dishwashing II
* Ex-Boxed (includes a free mini-course in replacing toilet paper)
* Private Coaching with Diane and Jim

Of course once you get to the part where you click to "sign him up" the joke is revealed (happy April Fools, duh)... but I'm wondering how many women are seeing this and breathing a sigh of relief. They're on Alfred Angelo, checking out wedding gowns, perhaps wondering when oh when he's going to help make those thousand paper cranes they are going to put on each table at the reception and then BOOM: jackpot! Groom School! Oh finally he'll learn how to use The Scrubby on the dishes! I can just imagine the disappointment certain ladies might experience this morning when they get to that April Fools screen. But don't worry, certain ladies! You may still get to the point where you take a couples pottery lessons, like Kristy and Brian on the front page! It could happen! Right?