Friday, August 29, 2014

Emmy Awards 2014 Fashion Rundown: The WTF

Ever since I collated the red carpet photos early on Tuesday morning, I have been bursting at the seams to share some of these WTFs with you. As with all WTF entries, some are tame and some are absolutely beyond comprehension. We'll ramp it up as we go and then I'll let you get on with your lives and your Labor Day Weekend. 


Gwen Stefani!
It's not the outfit that's making my eyes bug out (though the air vent detail on the top demands questioning) so much as the fact that I did not recognize her. Like not at all. I didn't hear the name when she was announced and it took me a goodly 45 seconds to figure out who was presenting. Indeed, if this photo did not have a name attached I would have guessed she was someone from Game of Thrones or something. Has she been "freshened" or am I just used to seeing her with her hair up? Inquiring Megs want to know.

Kate Mara!
I kind of love the Kate Mara is so reliably WTF. There is quite literally not one thing I understand about this. What is happening here? Is it just that I dislike J. Mendel? (This is clearly from the same collection as Anna Kendrick's Oscar dress.) The kitchen backsplash and twisted bedsheets up top paired with fancy curtain mullet sheer overlay skirt and those shoes is just making my head explode. Let's not talk about her hair and makeup or the deflated soccer ball clutch.

Taryn Manning!
When bad Marilyn Monroe costumes happen to good people Part 2. Taryn, baby, blonde is not your color and this dress is unintentionally hilarious and stunningly unflattering (unless, of course, the pregnancy rumors are true). (BUT! If the rumors are true, then all I can see is a gigantic cross over your abdomen, which is a little too close to your Pennsatucky character for comfort.) 

Amanda Peet!
Swear to god, I had that bedspread. 

Yael Stone!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO SHOW YOU THIS ALL WEEK! It's so bad it goes back to good and then around again! At first, I was way disappointed because Morello is my favorite character on OITNB (especially now that we know [redacted spoilers]) but then I was delighted because ... well because look at this! Wicker corset cage of death! Gynecologically-minded crushed velvet mini skirt with train! Terrifying earrings! Seriously hot shoes! And a bun with bangs! On a scale of 1 to Patton, this is Patton Plus!

Lena Dunham!
She is obviously fucking with us. Boviously, as we used to say. Why else would anyone dress themselves as a parfait? Stay gold, Ponyboy.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Emmy Awards 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Bad

My dear readers, Joan Rivers was hospitalized this morning (during a surgery, which I don't really understand how that works - like she has to be hospitalized from the hospital what even?) so I am going to need everyone to take a moment of bitchy, shady silence. Now is not the time for us to lose the holy mother of fashion commentary.

[bitchy, shady silence]

Also, I highly recommend everyone put Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work on their netflix queue right now. It's fascinating and beautifully done. Okay, on with my roommate's favorite part...


Allison Janney!
Well, we've been fighting about it all week so we may as well start here. Yes, I put her in the Bad pile. Address hate mail to 10 Downing Street, London. What's right: Her face, the top of her hair, the shoes, the shade of purple. What's so wrong with it? Mostly, yes, it's the fact that it's VELVET in AUGUST. Even if it's velveteen, it's absolutely the wrong fabric. Here's the other thing that's wrong: the dress. I want you to take a moment and imagine this is taffeta or silk. That thing in the middle is still there. Don't you think I'd be writing tumor jokes, you guys!? CUAN, too.

Kristen Wiig!
Hilariously, I named this file "Wiig better" because it was a better photo than the first one I found... better at demonstrating how terrible everything fits. It's like even her shoes can't fit her properly. 

Edie Falco!
Edie Falco is happy to announce that she is joining the cast of American Horror Story: Freak Show as the Woman With The World's Longest Torso. Watch! How it extends from her bust to her knees! Marvel! At her lack of hips and thighs! Wonder! At her continued lack of lip color! Step right up folks!

Dascha Polanco!
Serious question: what has happened here? Because, I mean, the dress is super pretty, the styling is fabulous, the color is great, the skirt looks like something out of a Disney movie (meant in a positive way), but it's a little too long and the top is .... BITTY. I mean, like a goodly 2 sizes too small in the cups. Did she not notice? Did no one notice? How could that happen? Seriously: how? This is one of the ones that really hurts because there is so much that is right but little things just absolutely egregiously wrong. For you, Dascha:

Kristen Schaal!
When bad Marilyn Monroe costumes happen to good people. 

Michelle Dockery!
Straight up, that top is the cousin of Kelly Mantle's bacon top from this season of Drag Race. Which, omg, is extra funny because I just remembered that Kelly Mantle was supposed to be dressing up like Downton Abbey! CRAZY. Anyway, I do and I don't hate this dress. I dislike how roomy it looks on her, I dislike the tribute to flower petals on the top, I halfway like the color scheme, I definitely like the fact that it looks like the sides of the skirt would expand up were she to lift her arms. Be a butterfly, Michelle! It would delight me ever so much!

Christina Hendricks!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no. Cougar aunt at the gypsy wedding is so not your look.

Katherine Heigl!
It's too long, the color is all wrong, makeup and hair are a disaster, and I hate the bracelets. The construction and design of this dress are GORGEOUS and other than the length, it fits her very well. Here's my real problem with this: it's desperately trying to evoke an Old Hollywood glamour that Katherine Heigl, for my money, just cannot pull off because she possesses neither the grace nor poise to sell the look. In other words, the dress is wearing the woman and that's one of the unforgivable curses.

Kate Walsh!
MY EYES! MY EYES! This just about blinded me during the telecast. Quite aside from the fact that I envy any person who can wear yellow with aplomb, this strikes me as a lite couture interpretation of a daffodil. Well, that or Tweety Bird. 

Julianna Margulies!
An unflattering cut on a dress that looks like an ode to tar and city rain water for starters and yoga hair (complete with athletic headband) for enders. What are you doing to me, Julianna?

Robin Wright!
Glenn Close plus Davis Bowie minus feet. 

Mindy Kaling!
Other than the color of the gown and the hair, I like nothing about this. I could list all of the many many many problems, but let's just say she could have used to borrow some of Edie Falco's excess torso and leave it at that.

Laura Prepon!
Noooooooooooooo. No to all but especially no to this exaggerated collar on just one side. ON JUST ONE SIDE! And the detailing that makes it look like she's wearing a cross-body handbag! Like as if her mom was like Now Laura, be careful when you go to the Emmys. People may try to steal your purse... It's a disturbing illusion. It's not a flattering shape for her in the least, and I do believe this color makes her look ill. The makeup and hair age her a good 10 years. Basically, she looks old and sick and weirdly bumpy with one flat boob and one perfectly round boob, and a giant collar ON JUST ONE SIDE and I hate hate hate hate hate everything about this. 

Laura Prepon got me a little riled up you guys. I'm okay now but I am bursting with excitement because we have some seriously amazing WTF fashions for you tomorrow as the end of summer closes in on us. I cannot wait to talk to you about Yael Stone!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Emmy Awards 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Meh

Things got slightly heated yesterday on the FaceSpace over Allison Janney being left out of the Good pile. Sorry to disappoint you guys! I just have Feelings about velvet gowns in August. I'm also sure you'll want to fight over a few of these, so have at it!


Samira Wiley!
I tried really hard to talk myself into putting my beloved Samira into the Good pile but I just couldn't do it. I looooooove this color on her and the shape is fabulous and not at all what I expected to see her wear. But. The fit is a teeny bit roomy, the mermaid looks like an afterthought and I really need to see some jewelry. So close, Samira. So very close.

Lizzy Caplan!
Another one that is so very close. My dear readers, I have now learned to accept the cutout dresses - try not to faint! And I absolutely love this dress but the styling sinks it. Severe hair + severe makeup just doesn't work with this. Also, she has the biggest eyes of any human person and I feel strongly that she does not need to rim them in 2 inches of liner.

Julia Roberts!
I really loved this 3 glasses of wine into the evening during the telecast, but it's falling flatter for me in the sober light of day. I definitely love the shape and the color, but it does sort of resemble what Reader Rosey called "the bottom of a fish tank." Also, let's agree to never let her present awards again. What a doofus.

Anna Gunn!
Anna Gunn looks like she's going to an afternoon wedding at Studio 54. It fits like a dream and it's interesting, but it's not great.

Halle Berry!
I'm beginning to think that Halle Berry has some Taste Issues. The color is great, the fit is lovely, but the dress is straight up soap opera baddie. I refuse to acknowledge her bangs.

Lena Headey!
Lena Headey has the best pixie cut in Tinseltown right now. At first the dress is really cool but after you look at it for a moment it just sort of looks like it's melting off of her.

Lucy Liu!
French door curtains with visible pasties and tasteful vagina ruching. And yet somehow she almost pulls it off. How do you do that, Lucy?

Viola Davis!
It's a little too long and the bag is a misstep but my real problem is the bolero jacket effect up top. I just want that to continue down a bit more and not be so distracting. Her head looks better than it has in a year, though!

Ariel Winter!
It's not bad, but it's still a ball gown with a crop top.

Sarah Hyland!
Ditto above. I think girlfriend is seriously funny on her show but I can't get past the fact that she looks like a Bratz doll 24/7.

Selenis Leyva!
The styling is lovely and the color really works for her, but I look at this and see Mother of the Bride at a flamenco wedding.

Kerry Washington!
Insert rant about the impossible standards for women in an industry where they are expected to wear a form-fitting gown 4 months after giving birth and look good in it. She is fab, the dress is meh. High five, though, on the sequined bike shorts. I have some sequined booty shorts and they are everything. I wear mine on stage and not under formalwear, but whatever lady, you do you.

Natasha Lyonne!
When I was a senior in college I had a LOT of photos of Natasha around my dorm room. Luv huh. I'm so pleased she's back and apparently doing better and the color and fit of this dress are great but the fact remains that Jessica Lange turned this down for being "too matronly."

Allison Tolman!
To quote the inimitable Tom and Lorenzo: Girl, that is not your dress. It's a pretty dress. You are pretty in that color. But no. It's too long and it makes your one boob look weird. Also the hair is giving me hives.

Minnie Driver!
Great dress! Wish it fit you!

Vanessa Williams!
Goddess goddess goddess. It's just a skosh too tight. 

Taylor Schilling!
Other than the ode to vaginas in the middle, I'm pretty bored. 

Keke Palmer!
I would love to see this minus the giant rip down the front and plus ice on the clavicle. Gorgeous color, gorgeous shape on her.

Zooey Deschanel!
Ugh, snooze. Tell me something I don't know, Zooey.

Frances Conroy!
Frances Conroy is trying, you guys, but her heart's just not in it.

Claire Danes!
Sullen bridesmaid in a Swedish wedding.

Amy Poehler!
You could tell by watching the show that Amy Poehler and Bryan Cranston are everyone's best friends AS WELL THEY SHOULD BE. I get what our Amy was going for with this look and to be honest with you I kind of love the dress but the heavy eye makeup and bad beach hair and lackluster jewelry just brings the whole thing down. You deserve better, Amy Pueblos!

Danielle Brooks!
It pains me to put the amazing Danielle Brooks in the Meh pile but I have to. The fit is great but the cut up top is all wrong. The haircut is adorable but the hair styling for the event misses the mark. I'd love the see the jewelry and bag in brightass cobalt. That's a color: brightass cobalt.

Anna Chlumsky!

Angela Bassett!
Clearly just got off the spa table and threw a gold belt on her robe. What's clothes got to do with it? 

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves!
It is abundantly clear that these two could not give less of a shit.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Emmy Awards 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Good

Woof, that was one boring Emmys huh? Everything was the same - winners, jokes, nominees - well, everything except the fashion. THANK GOD. Or maybe I don't mean that? There was a lot of beach hair (Beyonce, what have you done?), lots of white or nude dresses (boo), some capes (yay), and a couple of midriffs because of course there were. 


Mayim Bialik!
MOST IMPROVED! Oh my god, I love this. I love the color, love the shape, love the necklace. Blossom, thank you for making me so happy!

Teyonah Parris!
Fabulous, fun, and unexpected. 

Sarah Silverman!
Certainly a bit more on the expected side, but Sarah Silverman has been hitting the Good pile a lot lately, huh? Maybe a new stylist? I'm loving the belt detail and the, uh, neckline on this. Also loving Sarah Silverman for staying true to herself by being a menace on the red carpet and sprinting up to the stage barefoot when she won. In that moment, I'll admit, I was impressed most of all by her boob tape.

Hayden Panetierre!
I had no idea she was pregnant. She looks FANTASTIC, no? Great hair, great makeup, great dress. Well done, young lady! What a difference from a few years ago.

Matt Bomer!
I don't have much to say about this. It's fairly perfect if a little standard. Also he is pretty.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
I don't have much to say about this. It's fairly perfect if a little standard. Also she is pretty. 

Sofia Vergara!
She's beautiful, the dress is stunning (even if she did sit down in the limo (for shame)), and I like the accessories... but... it's kind of like she's doing a drag version of herself now, right? Always with the same silhouettes, always the same colors. Mix it up, Sofia! Ps, never let anyone else talk you into gross misogynist skits like that turntable thing.

Octavia Spencer!
Loved this and it looked especially great on camera. Don't love the bag, but let's not quibble. She looks gorgeous.

Alison Williams!
Against all odds, one of my favorite looks of the night. I think it's the pop of yellow there and the clean styling. Much improved, Alison!

Natalie Dormer!
Some of the better beach waves seen last night. I love how simple this dress is, yet how interesting. Truth, though - I think I'd probably hate it if her hair was up. I have a feeling we have an athletic neckline under the tresses.

Christine Baranski!
As I have now said to multiple friends - girl, you know I love a cape. It's true. I really do love a good cape. This is basically perfect. I might have tried it with a long strand of beads but maybe that would have been too much.

Laverne Cox!
Speaking of a good cape - this was a great one. Laverne Cox is everything. She is an angel put on earth to teach us how to love. 

La Klum!
And fabulous cape #3. I guess this is more of a capelet, but that's okay! Capelets are also welcome in my neighborhood. She looks stunning and perfect.

Melissa McCarthy!
Our Melissa has had some red carpet difficulties in the past year, so I want to reward a major step in the right direction. Yes, Melissa, this! Gorgeous! Next try a color and we'll be golden. 

January Jones!
This is like the perfect blend of my taste with January Jones' taste. It's got the couture flavor she loves and the elegance I crave. I dislike mullet dresses but love those shoes so much I'd hate to miss seeing them. CUAN, but let's not fight. Not today.

Felicity Huffman!
Graceful, elegant, perfect fit, awesome bag. Needs lipstick.

Kiernan Shipka!
Once again out-dressing stars and starlets double her age. It's even better from the side. Kid, all of my future fashion dreams ride on your tiny little shoulders. Well, you and Hailee Steinfeld.

Carrie Brownstein (seen here with Fred Armisen)!
I'm sorry I couldn't get a better photo of her dress. I love the dress, but I actually chose this photo because it looks like the guy on the left is on one of those tin can phones. Delightful.

Jessica Pare!
She makes it look so easy. If a mere mortal tried to wear this dress, she'd look hippy and cankley. Jessica Pare is no mere mortal, I guess.

Kate Mulgrew!
From Helen Mirren's "I'm Perfect And You're Not" collection, I assume. Stunning, Red/Janeway, just stunning.

Uzo Aduba!
Hands down best look of the night in my book. Great shape, stunning detail on the train, great color, lovely styling. CUAN, for sure, but Uzo owned the "I am not the character I play" game last night. Fabulous and fierce, as her designer Sister Christian would once have said. Ferosh, even.

annnnnnnnnnnd a little more pretty for you....

Chiwetel Ejiofor!
Yowza. Forever yowza.