Emmy Awards 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Bad

My dear readers, Joan Rivers was hospitalized this morning (during a surgery, which I don't really understand how that works - like she has to be hospitalized from the hospital what even?) so I am going to need everyone to take a moment of bitchy, shady silence. Now is not the time for us to lose the holy mother of fashion commentary.

[bitchy, shady silence]

Also, I highly recommend everyone put Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work on their netflix queue right now. It's fascinating and beautifully done. Okay, on with my roommate's favorite part...

THE BAD

Allison Janney!

Well, we've been fighting about it all week so we may as well start here. Yes, I put her in the Bad pile. Address hate mail to 10 Downing Street, London. What's right: Her face, the top of her hair, the shoes, the shade of purple. What's so wrong with it? Mostly, yes, it's the fact that it's VELVET in AUGUST. Even if it's velveteen, it's absolutely the wrong fabric. Here's the other thing that's wrong: the dress. I want you to take a moment and imagine this is taffeta or silk. That thing in the middle is still there. Don't you think I'd be writing tumor jokes, you guys!? CUAN, too.

Kristen Wiig!

Hilariously, I named this file "Wiig better" because it was a better photo than the first one I found... better at demonstrating how terrible everything fits. It's like even her shoes can't fit her properly. 

Edie Falco!

Edie Falco is happy to announce that she is joining the cast of American Horror Story: Freak Show as the Woman With The World's Longest Torso. Watch! How it extends from her bust to her knees! Marvel! At her lack of hips and thighs! Wonder! At her continued lack of lip color! Step right up folks!

Dascha Polanco!

Serious question: what has happened here? Because, I mean, the dress is super pretty, the styling is fabulous, the color is great, the skirt looks like something out of a Disney movie (meant in a positive way), but it's a little too long and the top is .... BITTY. I mean, like a goodly 2 sizes too small in the cups. Did she not notice? Did no one notice? How could that happen? Seriously: how? This is one of the ones that really hurts because there is so much that is right but little things just absolutely egregiously wrong. For you, Dascha:

Kristen Schaal!

When bad Marilyn Monroe costumes happen to good people. 

Michelle Dockery!

Straight up, that top is the cousin of Kelly Mantle's bacon top from this season of Drag Race. Which, omg, is extra funny because I just remembered that Kelly Mantle was supposed to be dressing up like Downton Abbey! CRAZY. Anyway, I do and I don't hate this dress. I dislike how roomy it looks on her, I dislike the tribute to flower petals on the top, I halfway like the color scheme, I definitely like the fact that it looks like the sides of the skirt would expand up were she to lift her arms. Be a butterfly, Michelle! It would delight me ever so much!

Christina Hendricks!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no. Cougar aunt at the gypsy wedding is so not your look.

Katherine Heigl!

It's too long, the color is all wrong, makeup and hair are a disaster, and I hate the bracelets. The construction and design of this dress are GORGEOUS and other than the length, it fits her very well. Here's my real problem with this: it's desperately trying to evoke an Old Hollywood glamour that Katherine Heigl, for my money, just cannot pull off because she possesses neither the grace nor poise to sell the look. In other words, the dress is wearing the woman and that's one of the unforgivable curses.

Kate Walsh!

MY EYES! MY EYES! This just about blinded me during the telecast. Quite aside from the fact that I envy any person who can wear yellow with aplomb, this strikes me as a lite couture interpretation of a daffodil. Well, that or Tweety Bird. 

Julianna Margulies!

An unflattering cut on a dress that looks like an ode to tar and city rain water for starters and yoga hair (complete with athletic headband) for enders. What are you doing to me, Julianna?

Robin Wright!

Glenn Close plus Davis Bowie minus feet. 

Mindy Kaling!

Other than the color of the gown and the hair, I like nothing about this. I could list all of the many many many problems, but let's just say she could have used to borrow some of Edie Falco's excess torso and leave it at that.

Laura Prepon!

Noooooooooooooo. No to all but especially no to this exaggerated collar on just one side. ON JUST ONE SIDE! And the detailing that makes it look like she's wearing a cross-body handbag! Like as if her mom was like Now Laura, be careful when you go to the Emmys. People may try to steal your purse... It's a disturbing illusion. It's not a flattering shape for her in the least, and I do believe this color makes her look ill. The makeup and hair age her a good 10 years. Basically, she looks old and sick and weirdly bumpy with one flat boob and one perfectly round boob, and a giant collar ON JUST ONE SIDE and I hate hate hate hate hate everything about this. 

Laura Prepon got me a little riled up you guys. I'm okay now but I am bursting with excitement because we have some seriously amazing WTF fashions for you tomorrow as the end of summer closes in on us. I cannot wait to talk to you about Yael Stone!