Monday, January 22, 2018

SAG Awards 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Good!

My dear readers, I must confess I did not pay attention to the SAG Awards at all last night because my beloved Eagles were clinching their spot in the Superbowl. Actual footage from inside my brain:





Anyway, we are back to color on the red carpet with lots of sequins. Let's dig in, shall we?

THE GOOD

Tracee Ellis Ross!
I love this, especially that bright white with ruby jewelry. It's simple but it brings all of the drama. 

Danielle Brooks!
She looks spectacular and this gown is a work of art. 

Alexander Skarsgard!
Perfect. And his hair is growing back, which is great.

Goldie Hawn!
The draping and the fit on this is outstanding. I love this color on her and I am always a sucker for full, bouncy bangs. 

Halle Berry!
While the hair is a little too Ariana Grande for me, she looks elegant and gorgeous. Also, you know I love the background people so please take note of the stunning woman in the second tier of the background in the off-the-shoulder vneck with perfect necklace. I don't know who that is but boy howdy does she look amazing. 

Susan Sarandon!
Speaking of an off-the-shoulder v-neck, this is beautiful. I think it may need to be hiked up half an inch judging by the bottom in this picture, but that is likely just because it is a heavy sequined (sequinced) gown.

Kumail Nanjiani (seen here with Emily V. Gordon)!
The definition of debonair.

Felicity Huffman!
She makes it look so easy, doesn't she?

Natalia Dyer!
I would love to see the skirt hit the ground but she is giving French gamine realness and it won me over. This is an unusual dress (Dior, in case you were wondering like I did) styled beautifully. 

Sterling K. Brown (seen here with Ryan Michelle Bathe)!
Wow. Yes, even with the ever so slightly too small tie, he looks amazing.

Uzo Aduba!
While I would have liked the neckline to come down about an inch, I need you to know that I am SO HAPPY that Uzo Aduba is finally dressing like the goddess she is. 

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Golden Globes 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

We've finally reached the conclusion of our 2018 Golden Globes coverage. Never fear - the SAG Awards are this weekend so we'll be right back with more gowns next week. No word yet on whether vibrant colors will return. One can only hope that the starlets don't go immediately back to those dreadful blush gowns. 

THE WTF

Laurence Fishburne!
He's not here because of the outfit. He is here because this is the EXACT SAME THING HE WORE TO THE SAGS LAST YEAR. This is probably the closest we'll ever get to that genius Onion article everyone keeps sending me.

Amanda Peet!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that Mandy Moore and Amanda Peet may not both look good on the same red carpet. Mandy Moore looked great so ... here we are. I do feel badly that Amanda got her dress stuck in her underwear, though. 

Sidebar: Are we experiencing the return of puffed sleeves? They were everywhere on this red carpet. /Sidebar.

Gillian Anderson!
Actual question: How long does the designer of this dress think arms are? 

Chris Hemsworth!
Points for the attempt but he looks like a goth couch. A goth couch without a tie.

Catherine Zeta-Jones!
The most glamorous and the most sheer table cloth seen all night! I appreciate the lacy vulva shield but I have to say I'm not sure those branches are going to do much to disguise her nipples. But! This tablecloth would go great with Hemsworth's goth couch!

Maggie Gyllenhaal!
True facts: When I saw her arriving I only saw her from waist-up and I thought this was FABULOUS. Unfortunately, the garment does not end at the waist, oh no. It devolves into a devastating paper shredder accident that necessitated putting her work pants back on under the gown. It's really a shame because the top has promise. If you're going to skip the necklace on a strapless neckline, these are the kinds of earrings to wear.

William H. Macy!
Why does he remind me of a cross between Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe and why do I feel like he wants to sell me something? 

Saoirse Ronan!
Am I cold? Am I hot? Better be prepared for both! This is like one of those half-man/half-woman costumes except half-glam/half-drab. 

Rita Moreno!
Honestly, I feel like Rita Moreno is the mascot of the WTF section. I just adore her Sexy Mormon Missionary look paired with some open toe heels and the same jacket she wore to the 2014 SAG Awards. There's just so much leather in this outfit - specifically the unnecessarily long pants. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Rita Moreno is a treasure and she knows it.

Diane Kruger!
Honestly, what is happening here? Why are there jewels and baubles on every available seam? Can you even imagine how loud that cape was as she walked on hard surfaces? We are not a chandelier, Diane!

Kelly Clarkson!
No one say the following words to her, especially not in Russian: longing, rusted, furnace, daybreak, seventeen, benign, nine, homecoming, one, freight car. Why? Because plot twist: Kelly Clarkson is the Winter Soldier. In heroes we trust. 

Friday, January 12, 2018

Golden Globes 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

Are you ready for some unfortunate black dresses?

THE BAD

Penelope Cruz!
This isn't awful but it's also not good. I would love to see this thing without the mismatched satin train of doom. I think I would still find it a bit boring but at least it wouldn't be so confusing.

Debra Messing!
There are Secret Pants and then there are Secret JNCOs. I get a distinctly Wile E. Coyote feeling from the dress component of this look, as if a tunnel was painted on the skirt and it enabled us to see the pants. The makeup is actually a crime against her face and should be prosecuted.

Nicole Kidman!
Couture Pig-Pen.

Alicia Vikander!
Alicia Vikander time traveled from a funeral in 1890 to be here tonight. I am very sorry for your loss.

Margot Robbie!
This looks like her belly button threw up on her skirt. The exaggerated shoulders are not helping the situation.

Geena Davis!
There is so much going on here and none of it makes sense. The wide plunging V, the intricate open shoulders as if the cold shoulder trend merged with a ring toss game, the creepy spiderwebs of lace, the solid three feet of fringe at the bottom...and all of it in sequins. This is a real head scratcher.

Rachel Brosnahan!
My dear readers, I tried my hardest to make myself like this but I simply cannot. I think I would like it far more if we got rid of the sash that comes directly up from the waist. I can't tell if it's meant to be sheer-ish on the skirt or if that is an unfortunate side effect of many flashes of light. I also wish for more volume all over on her hair, something softer than the severity of her hair pulled so tight. Now that I'm saying it, I wonder if this was meant to be a tribute to Bunheads but ... probably not? 

Eva Longoria!
I understand the concept but tux jacket-as-gown-as-red-carpet-maternity-wear is not really working for me.

La Klum!
Welp. 

Kate Hudson!
This is a macrame wall hanging repurposed as a dress with some boy shorts under it.

Jessica Biel!
I don't like her hair, it could use a necklace, and the dress is fine until you throw that giant velvet toenail clipping on it.

Michelle Pfeiffer!
Both the jacket and the skirt are bad and together they are even worse. And I have to say again it's weird but they don't match. 

Gwendolyn Christie!
WHY WON'T ANYONE HELP HER.

Allison Williams!
Reader Colin remarked that this looked like the Target logo and now I can't unsee it. On top of that it looks kind of off-kilter to me. 

Sarah Jessica Parker!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Claire Foy!
The sleeves are the only things on here that fit her.

Emma Stone (seen here with Billie Jean King)!
The lace with the ruffles and the handkerchief hem comes together to be a little too fussy for me.

Emma Watson (seen here with Marai Larasi)!
And then over here with Emma 2, it's too fussy and also too stiff but also the one long earring is getting caught up in the neck ruffle and it just seems like this whole outfit would be annoying to wear.

Amy Poehler (seen here with Saru Jayaraman)!
I love a cape but I think this just isn't Amy's look. 

Connie Britton!
I mean, I agree and all but pairing a statement sweatshirt with a witchy skirt and some heels is not quite the dress code here. Waist-up she's running errands on Saturday morning. Waist-down is... well, kind of just a mess.

Caitriona Balfe! 
I hate this dress. I hate it so hard it hurts me. (PS I'm starting to think that they are not Moet pants but instead a long Moet apron situation there in the back.) Ugh, why are there dirty swiffer dusters clustered up around her knees? Why does the dress keep going after that? Why is she wearing swimmies? And for the love of god what's with the dangerous-looking harness accent? I'm sorry, Caitriona, but this is a full Patton.


Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Golden Globes 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Buckle up, buttercups.

THE MEH

Lena Waithe!
My dear readers, I tried so hard to put our Lena in The Good pile yesterday but it came down to the fit on the pants and that shiny shirt. It was so, so close.

Kerry Washington!
Another person extremely close to the cutoff... until you look at those shoes. The dress is killer, the head is everything, but the shoes are just ugly.

Allison Janney!
I like this way better from a distance than I did close-up. I also like it better without the bird

Dakota Johnson!
Much like the person wearing it, this is just kind of boring. Oh but wait... 
Glorified butt bow! And yet I'm still yawning.

Timothee Chalamet!
The pants are a bit too short and I assume the reason the hems look like that are because he is wearing beatle boots or wearing prosthetic feet roughly hewn from blocks of wood.

Laurie Metcalf!
So so close to greatness here. I think this could use a necklace (CUAN) and I'd shorten the pants to above the ankle so we can see the rest of the shoe. Hey, maybe Aunt Jackie and Timothee Chalamet could swap pants! SOLVED.

Issa Rae!
Yet again, hair, makeup, and styling are perfection. This is always a tough fabric because people go immediately to "trash bag" jokes (yours truly included) but she's wearing the hell out of it. I would love to see this without the shoulder ruffles. I think it would make all the difference. 

David Harbour!
Here's for all you thirsty Stranger Things fans. (Sidebar: Just watched the first 3 episodes last week so I totally get it.) I do not think Hopper is a three piece suit guy. I'd love to see his vest swapped for a cummerbund. 

Alison Brie!
Some of the better Secret Pants of the night (there were many SPs) and a great necklace but definitely right at the top of my list of people in danger of going tits ahoy. Also, let's take a moment to savor the greatness of the MOET pants in the background.

Sarah Paulson!
While this is an important step up from the 2017 Emmys, I could do without the period piece rehearsal skirt.

Mary J. Blige!
My cherished and beloved MJB looks like someone is trying to hide behind her. She's also in danger of going tits ahoy. 

America Ferrera and Natalie Portman!
America Ferrera: got cold, borrowed husband's jacket.
Natalie Portman: playing Lady Capulet later tonight.

Hugh Grant (seen here with Anna Eberstein)!
Hem the pants and a slap a cummerbund on him or at least button the jacket and I think we're good to go.

Kyle MacLachlan (seen here with Desiree Gruber)!
Pretty close! It's just that the jacket is a skosh big and the tie is a skosh small. 

Christian Slater (seen here with Brittany Lopez)!
Stop me if you've heard this one before: jacket a skosh too big, tie a skosh too small. But still looking surprisingly good!    

Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon!
I hate his tie a lot but the rest of the suit is totally fine! I love her sexy business lunch look but the pants and sleeves are both a bit too long and I'm not sure but maybe CUAN.

Sharon Stone (seen here with Roan Joseph Bronstein)!
This dress is really cool but it's just a teensy bit too tight on her rib cage and a little too large in the shoulders. A for effort!

Salma Hayek and Ashley Judd!
I look at both of these dresses and think, okay but why? Why so opaque but then why so sheer? Really just why?

Michelle Williams (seen here with the amazing Tarana Burke)!
While I have some Feelings about the whole "bring an activist as your date" thing, this is a fashion blog so I will simply say that Michelle and I are historically not attracted to the same fashion but this is pretty good for her. It's not overly twee and doesn't make her look like she's playing dress up. I would like to see this without the puffed sleeves

Sally Hawkins!
The first thing I thought is that she yanked it down her shoulder at the last moment to look "sexy." Honestly, my only quibble is with this ridiculous extra belt length. Tuck it or chuck it.

Jude Law!
It might just be the angle, but I think both the jacket and the tie are just slightly too large. Points for matching your velvet lapel to your velvet shoe.

Reese Witherspoon!
Snoozefest.

Christina Hendricks!
Secret Pants! I like the design on this outfit but it looks like it was made of three separate pieces: shirt, pants, and enormous detachable skirt. 

Halle Berry!
OMG Halle Berry, yes, you've still got it, now will you stop trying so hard!?

Emilia Clarke!
Even though the dress is a hair too small on her, she's another one in danger of going tits ahoy. Concerned.

Aziz Ansari!
This is going to sound weird because he's wearing all black but that shirt doesn't match.

Jessica Chastain!
The illusion this dress creates is not exactly flattering. I want better for her.

Gayle King!
First of all, I have a big problem with Gayle getting booted out of her seat next to Oprah multiple times during the show by Barbra. Gayle deserves to sit next to Oprah! Unimpressed. This dress is firmly Meh for me. I appreciate the skill that went into the ombre sequins but it looks like she's mid-magical transformation, a la Cinderella. Also I really really cannot with the Hug Preventer Straps on the sides of the arms. Oprah is getting the biggest award of the night - why would you inhibit your hug abilities!?

Hong Chau!
Move those straps out about an inch and a half and then we'll be in business.

Laura Dern!
I quite like this dress and it fits her well. In the close-ups, the mesh looked a bit unfinished at the top which makes me want to see the dress without the mesh at all. 

Tracee Ellis Ross!
Tracee was so super close to going on The Good pile. I love everything head to waist - outstanding, really. But the bottom half of the dress is extremely boring and fits kind of weird, so I was forced to have her here. I love you Tracee and I'm sorry I had to do this.