Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Golden Globes 2019 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

I believe what you are about to read is the most robust WTF section of all Way Too Shay time. There were so many looks that dropped my jaw in either a truly terrible or truly great way. Let's do this Rockapella!

THE WTF!

Janelle Monae!
Is this the red carpet equivalent of when your mom makes you wear sweatpants under your Halloween costume because it's cold out? 

Linda Perry (seen here with Sara Gilbert)!
25 years and my life is still 
Trying to wrap my head around this hat
at the Globes award show
I realized quickly when I knew I should
that Linda Perry is the Babadook oh yeah
for whatever that means

Cody Fern!
Scrolling down this outfit I'm like ehhh not loving the sheer shirt, maybe it needs a belt...THOSE SHOES HAVE CLOVEN HOOVES.

Glenn Close!
Was Glenn Close part of the Golden Globes gift bag this year? Nay, Glenn Close was the gift bag.

Lucy Liu!
Y'all - Lucy Liu has an invisibility cloak. Mischief managed!

Jodie Comer!
That's a lot of ruffle! In my imagination it started with just the bottom ruffle and the designer thought, Maybe it needs a little more... and then they just couldn't stop. 

Caitriona Balfe!
Proportionizing! You're doing it wrong! Delia*s catalogue hair: you're doing it right!

Julia Roberts!
I mean surprise pants are one thing but these are like Hello These Are Pants And Half a Skirt Because Who Can Decide?

Gemma Chan!
You've heard of Surprise Pants! And you've heard of Hello These Are Pants And Half a Skirt Because Who Can Decide! Now please welcome Surprise Shorts!

Judy Greer!
Judy Greer is either trolling us or playing a David Byrne benefit concert later.

Timothee Chalamet!
Why do I find this so exhausting and try-hard?

Rosamund Pike!
I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Debra Messing!
When she starts to molt it is going to be over for you bitches. 

Billy Porter!
Better than good! Beyond words of praise and adoration! The Met Ball has finally come to the Golden Globes! This, my dear readers, is a Full Tonga!

Golden Globes 2019 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

My dear readers, we have misguided color choices, we have time travel, we have Maya Rudolph's Continuing Campaign Against Spanx (which I fully support because Spanx are a tool of the patriarchy). This particular pile is hard for me because there are so many of my faves in here but ultimately I had to look with my eyes and not with my heart. 

THE BAD

Michelle Yeoh!
What am I even looking at? I'm seeing leather and lace but also silk in three completely different shades of green. The best part of this ensemble is that she's wearing The Ring but even The Ring can't save this outfit.

Yvonne Strahovski!
If you told me this was a ghost glimpsed on the red carpet, I would believe you. Quite beyond the fact that this color makes her disappear, the perplexing choker has a very Green Ribbon vibe to it. Spoooky.

Melissa McCarthy!
This is not a dress, it's just one ill-fitting ruffle with a bunch of stars on it. How very dare someone do this to Melissa McCarthy!

Topher Grace (seen here with Ashley Hinshaw)!
I think those may be the worst shoes I have ever seen. I hate them with a fire rarely felt.

Amy Poehler!
I'm just going to say it: Amy Poehler has taste issues.

D'Arcy Carden!
Holy moly this is one of the worst looks of the night. It is poorly constructed, it's too long, the blue makes no sense, and that shape is all wrong for her and THE WORLD. It's shockingly bad.

Claire Foy!
Just a couple of notes here: it's a challenging color for her and it does not fit. Not her best showing but, amazingly, not her worst. 

Constance Wu!
While we are on the topic challenging color choices... this one hurts. While the foundation garment look is never a favorite for me, this is a genuinely pretty dress that unfortunately blends directly into her skin. We all want better for you, Connie! 

Alison Brie!
LOL wut. 

Elisabeth Moss!
This dress makes her look like her top half and bottom half are both slowly being sucked into her bellybutton. 

Maya Rudolph!
As you know, I have a theory that Maya Rudolph Refuses To Wear Spanx and she is very committed to this endeavor. While I applaud such a comfortable line in the sand, this dress is from a regional production of Gypsy - specifically the last scene where Louise is rich and famous and lounging in a fancy robe about to be photographed in the bath. Maya took it one step further and also has that post-bath hair. What a choice. 

Rachel Weisz!
I definitely saw this coffee filter couture on Project Runway one time. 

Laura Dern!
Another Project Runway special - a fancy beach cover-up  made of tissue paper honeycomb decorations. 

Gina Rodriguez!
Seems weird to wear a nightgown that doubles as a picture frame for your sternum but okay.

Emma Stone!
Why is Emma Stone dressed as Rose Nylund attending her granddaughter's wedding?

Jessica Chastain!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Keri Russell!
Just one quick question: is this dress on backwards?

Julianne Moore!
I guess I'm not surprised that Julianne Moore is wearing a giant untied bowtie as a dress. I mean who else would? 

Amber Heard!
Prom Night 1991 up in here! I hope Amber will slow dance with me to "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday." Also that one side of the neckline makes it look like the dress is raising its eyebrow at me. 

Anne Hathaway!
Truly, the worst dress of the night. This thing is.... well, you know what it is. It's a Full Patton.

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Golden Globes 2019 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Before we begin I would like to say that there are a lot of very pretty looks included in what you are about to consume. I know that but none of them wowed me. You know, there can be 100 dresses in the room and 99 of them are boring... and here they are.

THE MEH

Michael B. Jordan!
The world's fave boyfriend looks as beautiful as he ever has and the pant length is perfection but I feel that double breasted coat just swallows him up. *Insert swallow joke here wink wink nudge nudge.*

Sterling K. Brown (seen here with Ryan Michelle Bathe)!
See above. Maybe I just don't like double breasted coats? *Insert double breast joke here wink wink nudge nudge.*

Emily Blunt!
To her credit she was the prettiest doily.  

Saoirse Ronan!
I'm super into this dress. It's like the high-end glam version of Rose McGowan's 1998 VMAs dress crossed with Farrah Moan's S9 entrance look and I am here for it! But the earrings are the incorrect choice and this hair is too flat. I know I may never get it but I long for some really interesting hair on this gal. 

Danai Gurira!
This color story is fantastic on her and her makeup is flawless. I'm sure this dress actually fits her fine and just needs to be hoiked up on the left. My real quibble is the big orange bow - specifically the bow train. I either want it to have more flow or more structure. 

Phoebe Waller-Bridge!
A beautiful dress that seems to be missing half the cups because I fear she is a prime candidate for going tits ahoy at any moment. Could Use A Necklace.

Allison Janney!
Speaking of prime candidates for going tits ahoy and speaking of a dress in need of being hoiked up! What I wouldn't pay to give this dress a big tug in the northerly direction. Look at the sleeves! It needs a hoik! That said, I love the draping and color of the dress and I am here for this gigantic padlock necklace like she's some sort of couture Sid Vicious. 

Ricky Martin!
The tux is great, the coif is right, the beard is perfect, but that tiny little bowtie is actually comical.

Alex Borstein!
I really like this except for the shape of the neckline, the unnecessary brooch, and the hair pin. If you eliminate the brooch at the shoulder, it streamlines the gown and doesn't break up the line of what you are seeing. I think without the brooch I might be more on board with the shape of the neckline. The hair pin, to me, makes this a bit costumey and less elegant. 

Penelope Cruz!
This looks like the formal version of those galaxy leggings that I'm sure some online algorithm is going to try to sell me now that I have mentioned them.

Jamie Lee Curtis!
It fits great and you know I always celebrate an ode to the vagina in formal wear but I want a glittery shoe, a pop of color either with shoes or bag, and a big bold lip. 

Bradley Cooper (seen here with Irina Shayk)!
Tell me something boy
Is it hard wearing all that white
I think the fit is great
But this color I can't validate
HahhhOhAhHAAAAHHWWWOAHWOAHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Rachel Brosnahan!
I quite like this dress but the color washes her out completely. 

Amy Adams!
The color is great on her but everything else is a major snooze. When will women start wearing lip color on the red carpet again? I am so sick of these beige lips. 

Mj Rodriguez!
I think this gown is fairly fabulous but the styling is missing the mark. Let's sweep the hair back or to the side so we can get the full effect of the caped sleeves. She looks stunning - I just want to see the full picture.

Jameela Jamil!
It's pretty, CUAN, and I am a bit bored.

Connie Britton!
Connie Britton in a white column gown with beautiful, flowing hair. Quelle surprise.

Felicity Huffman!
Tell me something I don't know, Felicity Huffman!

Catherine Zeta-Jones!
Snooze.

Kristen Bell!
Oh girl, not baby pink. I want more for you. Specifically more saturation of color.

Octavia Spencer!
I love this and it's almost perfect, but I think the neckline comes up a little high and makes her look shorter than she is.

John Krasinski!
He looks good and I love a navy tux but I'm on the fence about the tie size and oh boy do I hate those shoes.

Patricia Clarkson!
Is it sherbet or sherbert? 

Linda Cardellini!
I think it's okay? Maybe? I actually have no idea if this is good or bad or just kind of boring in a way that wants to be interesting. So it's Meh.

Charlize Theron!
It's fine and (yawn) she is stunning but I want something more sartorially exciting from Charlize. 

La Klum!
I cannot wait to see the finished gown!