Thursday, January 12, 2017

Golden Globes 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

We have once again arrived at the conclusion of our Golden Globes coverage. As always, I thank you for reading and remind you that WTF doesn't always mean it's bad... though this time around it mostly does. I delightedly present to you the weirdest looks of the night.

THE WTF

Carrie Underwood!
There are labial folds and then there are labial folds with roses, cutouts, and a plunging v-neck. Brava.

Sophie Turner!
I've watched enough Project Runway in my day to know a losing design when I see one. This is straight up "Don't bore Nina" fused with Taste Issues. You know what Tim Gunn would say, right? 

Kathryn Hahn!
Don't go for second best, Kathryn, put yourself to the test. You know you know you got to hem those pants half an inch higher and fire your stylist. 

Naomi Campbell!
This dress was clearly inspired by the Hot Wheels Speedtropolis Playset. 

Keri Russell!
W T actual F is happening!? The tiered, sheer animal print, the gigantic velvet choker, the aging madame makeup... it's quite a lot of look. 

Monica Bellucci! 
Super stoked for Monica Bellucci's Addams Family reboot.

Felicity Jones!
So what you're telling me is the bow is real but the ruffles and feathers are merely illusions? I do not understand the question and I won't respond to it. 

Michelle Williams!
This Holly Hobbie/Girl With the Red Ribbon look is excellent for when you absolutely positively do not even want the option of hugging people.

Chrissy Teigen!
There is a Christmas ornament I've always loved at my parents' house. It's an elaborate angel with painted on hair and gold foil stuck all over it and it's fairly conical. Chrissy Teigen is the exact replica of that ornament.

and finally.... hold on to your butts....

Nicole Kidman!
Oy with the sheer corset reveal. Perhaps the silver design is a tribute to Moana but, you know, more Ice Capades-y. Or the bottom of the dress is meant to be the foggy mountain tops and she is the goddess of rainwater, all of which is being pumped directly from the clouds beneath her her armpit. No matter what the message is, this is a Full Patton.


Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Golden Globes 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

To quote Rosie O'Donnell in one of my favorite throwaway lines from Sleepless in Seattle, "Now we're getting down to it." 

THE BAD

Sarah Jessica Parker!
What in the name of Carrie Bradshaw is happening here!? You can't just tack some sleeves and a belt on a Vera Wang wedding gown and call it a day. Or, I mean, you can and you did but ugh why!? Also, can someone please get her to stop lining all the way around her eyes? It gives an otherworldly effect in a non-flattering way. Unless we are going for an Alien Wedding In Hyperspace theme, none of this works for me.

Connie Britton!
When your hair is your signature feature, do not wear dresses that compete with your tresses! Girl, know your brand. Also that color is terrible on you.

Jonah Hill!
I know you think you're pulling this off, but you definitely are not. This is like one of those pictures in Highlights where you have to identify what's missing. Bowtie! Pocketsquare! Neck shave! Appropriate shoes! 

Rachel Bloom!
Not sure if I've attempted to prosthelytize you all about Crazy Ex-Girlfriend  but it is the best show with the worst name and I adore Rachel Bloom. Unfortunately Ms. Bloom appears to be afflicted by the same unfortunate condition as Debra Messing: she does not look good in black. Also not helping is that this lace feels mature on her.

Zoe Saldana!
This is the most sickeningly sweet, twee-est thing I've seen in some time. I mean, of course, until we get to Felicity Jones. 

Ruth Negga!
I have moved this dress from category to category, trying so desperately to love it and I just can't do it. I am most positively responding to Ruth Negga's casually flawless head. But the dress. Don't get me wrong, I love an exposed zipper and I think I would have loved this dress if the zipper was in the back. But the contrast at the collar and around the zipper makes it look cheaper, a little too simple, and it ends up giving a futuristic medical robe feel.

Sofia Vergara!
Look, sometimes you have to wear Liberace's second best tablecloth. I know I've said a million times that I'd love to see a different look on our Sofia, but I didn't mean like this.

La Klum!
She's got all the worst trends at once! Nude lipstick! Cutouts! Tea-length dress! With added bonus of Keith Haring wallpaper sample pattern and How Are Those Shoes Staying On Your Feet?!

Meryl Streep!
Once again Meryl Streep is wearing Favorite English Teacher couture. At least she's consistent. 

Jessica Biel!
This is the high fashion representation of new moms ending up in public with baby stuff stuck all over them. (Not that I would have liked it without all the bric-a-brac...)

Riley Keough!
I am not 100% sure who this person is but I am 1000% sure that this dress is a magic eye painting.

Brian Tyree Henry!
Department of That Jacket is Too Small for You, subsection You Can't Really Put Your Arms Down, Can You? I think it wouldn't be so bad if the sleeves were long enough and the bowtie wasn't so large. 

Cuba Gooding Jr.!
Department of That Jacket is Too Small for You, subsection OMG WHAT EVEN IS HAPPENING?! Cuba, no. This is so bad. The tightness of the jacket has moved his tie from its original position. Most unfortunately the combination of too-small jacket with too-small glasses, and this specific haircut gives a distinct shrunken head feeling to the whole picture. I just can't.

Emily Ratajkowski!
This looks like a one way ticket to Accidental Reveal City. I'm concerned for you.

Sienna Miller!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Hailee Steinfeld!
Fussy curtains with boob outlines.

Anna Kendrick!
More boob outlines. Let's talk about this for real. Y'all - these are two different designers. If this boob outline situation becomes a trend I don't think I can handle it. I find it very hard to actually look at this gown, which is a damn shame because if we didn't have the boob detail, I would say this is the best Anna Kendrick has looked in a great while. However, with the outline and the one shoulder sash as such, it looks like her breasts were added in post. 

Amara Karan!
What would you do if your dress was eating you from the top and the bottom at the same time? This poor woman.

Natalie Portman!
Oy. This is another one who came dressed in theme with her movie. The main issue here is the color, right? If this was a purple or jade (or another color she wears well -NOT RED) I think I might be really into it. It's the hair that makes it really costumey. I also deeply hate her lip color. I guess what I'm trying to say is let's start over, Nat. Go home and just start over.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Golden Globes 2017 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

I hope you have a snack because we have a LOT to get through.

THE MEH!

Jeremy Renner and Amy Adams!
Sooo close to greatness! I actually really love Amy Adams' dress and styling but for some reason it's putting me to sleep. Jeremy Renner is very close to rocking this white tux jacket but the fit is off in the pants. Keep up the good work you two - just a little bit more next time.

Kerry Washington!
As we have established a hundred times over, Kerry Washington and I have different tastes in fashion. She tends toward a heavier fabric or patterns, this time with seemingly random embellishments. That said, she is wearing the hell out of this outfit and her head has never looked better. 

Casey Affleck!
Neck-down, we are doing decently okay. Neck-up? Needs some yard work. 

Amanda Peet!
Considering her history, this boring gown with almost no styling is basically a homerun for Amanda. Well done?

Judith Light!
On the flip side of Amanda Peet, I've come to expect such excellence from Judith that this zebra skeleton thing she clearly tripped over all night is merely okay... and I almost put it in The Bad.

Laura Dern!
Tell me something I don't know, Laura Dern.

Kristen Wiig!
Her hair is everything and her makeup is really great here. I so desperately want to like this gown but we're fairly done with the peek-a-boo long dress over short sheath thing. 

Sarah Paulson!
Kristen Wiig copy/paste.

Questlove!
Everything from the waist-up is a major yes! Everything from the waist down is home pants and sneakers. Questlove, comfort is not an option on the red carpet!

Bernadette Peters!
Case in point: do you think Bo exhaled once this entire evening?! No. No, she did not. Because she has not learned life's most important lesson: it's okay to go up half a size. Also this is a definite CUAN.

Jessica Chastain!
I adore this color on her and though she looks in definite danger of going Tits Ahoy at any moment, the precarious neckline is super beautiful and she's rocking it. I would love to see this dress with either beading all the way around, or just moving the beading detail to the waist. I would also do something bigger with her hair - maybe a big Jessica Rabbit swoop into a low side bun. Love the ice on the clavicle - that's exactly what I want to see.

Milo Ventimiglia!
Dude. Those. Pants. I'll say again, nothing wrong with going up half a size. Also please have someone check your bowtie before you hit the photogs.

Goldie Hawn!
I loved this dress on her - it looked fabulous on camera and gave a sort of Sexy Grande Dame feel. The styling sinks the look for me. The necklace is a bit too short, the hair feels like an afterthought, and the makeup is simply terrible. Goldie, please call Annette's makeup person. 

Octavia Spencer!
Fabulous suit, far too casual.

Andrew Garfield!
Bowtie is all wrong for your neck and head width. Is this kid morally opposed to pocket squares? I am so bored.

Gina Rodriguez!
It moved beautifully but it's a skosh too long and I hate this neckline on her. 

Blake Lively!
Young lady WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR HIPS?! They are clearly not pockets, even though you are trying to fool us into thinking any part of your hand could go inside them. When I imagine this dress without them, I die a million times of beauty. PS you look great in black velvet and I love the emerald Bracelets of Submission.

Maisie Williams!
So very close to perfect- kudos for pulling off this shade of yellow so well. I'd like a different bag - maybe something hot pink or bright green. I like the makeup but I'd like to see an option for the hair where it's very Jackie O late-60s bouffed out. This would be a great opportunity also for a giant statement necklace. 

Emma Stone!
Stars all over your dress for your nomination for a movie about Hollywood? A little bit on the nose, lady. I also deeply hate this necklace.

Drew Barrymore!
Drew is giving you a 1970s version of a 1920s dress and she is selling it. I hate it but she's working it.

Isabelle Huppert!
TFW you're the mother of the bride but you want to wear a sheer top.

Gwendoline Christie!
This is like when you are wearing an outfit and you put on one of each shoe to see which one looks better. I like the left half far better than the right. Terrible color on her, though. 

Claire Foy!
Points to Claire for having puffed sleeves and a dress that fits like a dream. It's just that this dress reminds me heavily of Crystal Barbie

Kristen Bell!
I would like to applaud the brand of double-stick tape she used as well as the expert application by whomever dressed her. However, I do wish the neckline was just about an inch narrower. I also wish she had a different color bag. 

Lola Kirke!
I love this dress and I love it on her. I want more dramatic makeup, an updo, and a necklace.

Susan Kelechi Watson!
Ooooh I love this so much but I think the hair is too severe. A minor quibble.

Chris Pine!
So much beard but so little bowtie and sock.

Anna Chlumsky!
Everything seems to be all crowded around her neck. I adooooore this color on her and I like almost all of the construction. I'd like to see the neckline cowl a bit (not terribly much) to pool right at the clavicle. Keep the hair almost this severe, but add some volume at the crown. Love these earrings (if the neckline dips lower), add a big ol' bangle on the right wrist.

Felicity Huffman!
Snoozefest.

Winona Ryder!
Her head looks fabulous and the dress is pretty it's just not her dress. Winona has never been able to sell a ballgown; she's more of an A-line kind of gal. 

Priyanka Chopra!
I want this lip color to become a trend. Gorgeous dress and my goodness she looks stunning in gold, but it's the skoshiest skosh too tight. I also find the design placements to be unfortunate through the dress. 

Angela Bassett!
Well it's Angela Bassett, so she is basically flawless. I just really hate the spaghetti straps and their placement so close together. This concludes my critique of Angela Bassett, flawless human.

Busy Phillips!
I tend to be entertained by Busy Phillips' sartorial choices. I think this is a little craft fair for me, but I don't dislike it. I do dislike the way her hair is styled. Girl what is happening to the end of your hair?

Gal Gadot!
I wish she didn't look so bald.

Caitriona Balfe!
Again, a fabulous dress but the makeup is understated for my likes. First of all her face looks dull - she could use a highlighter or at least a luminescent powder. The real problem here is The Case of the Forgotten Eyebrows. I think a strong brow and a bolder lip would have made all the difference. And possibly a different part for her hair, as it currently looks unattended.

Tracee Ellis Ross!
First of all allow me to express my deep love for Tracee Ellis Ross. I adore her and I think she is an underrated comedic actor. I love her shoes, I love her excessive ring situation, I love her hair, and I love the design on the top third of this dress. HOWEVER she deserves far better than what you see here. No earrings and no necklace? I mean I know the dress (and ring display) is EXTRA but you still have to accessories from the waist up. Now this dress. Oy. The length (not the only dress of this length we saw this year, lord help us) is problematic. But more than that this see-through corsetry illusion cheapens the look. This reminds me of that hideous Pnina Tornai see through ballgown brides are always asking for on Say Yes to the Dress. If you've never watched that piece of trash tv show, I promise you, you'll survive not knowing the reference. Do not seek it out. Save yourself. She looks like she got herself stuck in an elaborate birdcage and decided to make it work. AND SHE ALMOST DOES MAKE IT WORK WHICH IS ANOTHER REASON I LOVE TRACEE ELLIS ROSS.