Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Emmy Awards 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

I always get a little sad when we come to the end of our red carpet rundowns. It feels like we've been through a lot together and I'm a little wistful to see it go. But such is the ephemeral beauty of awards show fashion.


Zazie Beetz!
This is one of those hallowed good-WTF entries. Why is she wearing ornate armor as part of her dress? No idea but I am here for it.

Carol Kane!
The dream of the 90s is alive in Carol Kane's closet.

Alex Borstein!
A few wut parts of this add up to a WTF for me. First, reclaiming your former wedding gown as red carpet wear - cool! I guess! Sounds healthy and empowering! But did this wrap jacket situation come with the original? Because it's kind of not great. Mostly, though we are here because of the shimmy. I know a lot of you don't watch the shows and are just here for the pictures so may I please direct you to The Shimmy Heard Round The World.

Mario Lopez!
What hath Pharrell wrought?

Jennifer Lewis!
What a treasure this woman is. She shows up in some leggings, sneakers, a statement sweatshirt, and just LOADS of diamonds. For God so loved the world, God gave us Jennifer Lewis... but this is still sneakers on the red carpet. And even though the ad campaign she's supporting was great, Nike is still trash for commodifying protest, among other problematic things.

Amy Sherman Palladino!
Someone needs to stop watching The Greatest Showman before bed every night.

Laura Dern!
I mean, I get the joke of it looking like a suit with the foundation garments on the outside and I think fashion can be humorous and fun but this is way more me laughing at it than with it. In short, LOL WUT.

Joe Keery!
I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Claire Foy!
Slicked hair, two different shoes, glorified sheet dress... I honestly think her limo showed up while she was mid-shower and she just improvised a dress out of the shower curtain and ran. Look at the back!
You will not convince me otherwise.

The Fab Five!
Taking these boys as a group because they will not be known separately for the moment, let's go left to right. Jonathan WUT NO. Sheer turtlenecks are not our friends and, while I like the idea of wearing a ladies suit, it's not a good fit. Bobby looks pretty great but on the show why will no one help Bobby? He has to do so much more work than everyone else and it hurts me. The fit on Tan's suit is great but I dislike the frayed edges. It's the same designer as Laura Dern's dress so I'm sure it's meant to say or evoke something but I just don't like it. Antoni looks absolutely perfect and for some reason I am irritated by this. I have no idea why Karamo is wearing his beautiful suit with riding boots and a large picnic cape but I am, as the kids would say, living. Those are my individual thoughts. Looking at everything together, though, I sort of feel like what am I even seeing?

Tracee Ellis Ross!
Bringing it all home is TER, risk taker and bon vivant. This is hilarious and outrageous and very pink and kind of bananas. Why is she holding it up? Did she have to hold it up all night? What must it have been like to sit next to TER in the auditorium? Also I feel like this is some sort of evolution of her Met Gala look which really tips the scales for me. Folks, we have got ourselves a Full Tonga here!

Bye, y'all! See you at Halloween!

Monday, September 24, 2018

Emmy Awards 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

My dear readers, I am of the opinion that The Bad pile for this year's Emmys is perhaps worse than it has ever been. I'm sure I say that every year but I really mean it this time.


Taraji P. Henson!
This is one of the most stumpifying gowns of all time. 

Alison Brie!
At first I thought it was a jumpsuit, though that did not endear me to the outfit more. This is a lot of look and all of it makes me wince.

Michelle Dockery!
Facts are facts: I thought this was a Finding Nemo gown at first. I'm not sure I'm entirely disappointed that it's not. Pretty impressive how a gown can be both romantic and tacky all at once.

Britney Young!
The fit is off on this and the sleeve... exists... so it's a no from me.

Sarah Paulson!
This bust is so stiff it looks like she's standing behind a plywood cutout of a dress. Is it just me or are you also seeing her cosplaying as a feather duster? Seriously, just imagine her hands held straight in the air, clasped above her head. Uncanny.

Rachel Brosnahan!
Someone help her.

Gwendoline Christie!
Oh boy. This is really something, isn't it? It's like she's developing a gritty reboot of Bananas in Pajamas except now they are femme fatales who wake from their slumber in be-caped bedclothes and slink their way down the stairs. Ahhh but Bananas in Pajamas famously work in pairs...

Judith Light!
Chasing teddy bears, trying to catch them unawares. Sundays at 9 pm. It's not TV, it's HBO.

Chrissy Teigen!
Length and sleeves are just the tiniest bit too short and I think the construction of the top is, again, stumpifying. Really don't love this color on her either.

Letitia Wright!
Whereas Chrissy's look was stumpifying, this dress is elongating! She looks impressively tall. Alas, I just don't think it's a great dress. The millions of layers of varying lengths make it hard for the eye to land on anything. She deserves much better than this.

Keri Russell!
Finally, an elegant representation of how it feels when I haven't trimmed my bikini line in a while.

Tatiana Maslany!
Tatiana snuck out of her bedroom using the ol' bedsheets as rappelling rope trick. Also, my dear readers I know something about this outfit that I cannot possibly keep to myself.

Betty Gilpin!
Certainly it's not the worst dress but it looks deeply uncomfortable, it's not terribly flattering, the color is wrong, and it's too long. 

Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson!
Oh girls. Oh no. Oh no no no.

Maya Rudolph!
While I appreciate her commitment to the Maya Rudolph Refuses To Wear Spanx theme that I have been tracking in my brain, this is really rough. Puffed sleeves are one thing but then a skirt that is its own puffed sleeve? That's a puffed sleeve too far.

Emilia Clarke!
Is this supposed to be like a magic eye painting?

Sarah Goldberg!
I cannot tell if it is growing feathers or shedding feathers. Either way, the call is coming from inside the dress! Get out of there!

Padma Lakshmi!
Wow, this is some straight up Heidi Klum red carpet disappointment here.

Alexis Bledel!
Listen, this is a craft project gone wrong. Like, horribly wrong.

Tina Fey!
Wow in a bad way. We got some yoga hair. We got some lace. We got an aggro belt from 1993. We got sequined upholstery fabric. You know what we really got? We got a Full Patton.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Emmy Awards 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Buckle up, fashion fans, because we have tens of disappointing looks to cover today. 


John Legend!
He's an EGOT now, which stands for EGads Oversized Tie.

Aidy Bryant!
Knees-up, this is fabulous. I love the color, love the beading and the hair and makeup are great. I haaaaaate the length on this dress. As you'll learn in the next few posts, I generally dislike tea length dresses. I would love to see this without elastic on the sleeves and with different shoes. These shoes are fine, they are just boring. A yellow pump would have been fun.

Regina King!
Wonderful color, great fit, love the hair and makeup but I can't get over how much the torso looks like a toilet seat cover. 

Milo Ventimiglia!
The fit is gorgeous but I feel like he's about to ask me if I've ever dined there before and take me for a tour of the menu. Thank you, Milo, I'll have a Hendricks martini, up, fairly dry, extra olives.

Ann Dowd!
I absolutely love the shape, idea, and construction of this dress but dear god why is the fabric so reminiscent of wall art from an "american nouveau" restaurant in circa 1991?

Mandy Moore!
It's not an awful dress but the color feels a bit drab and boy howdy do I hate the length. Lovely shoes for sure, the hair is ok, the jewelry doesn't quite work, and I want a bolder lip. I have a longstanding theory that if Mandy Moore looks great on a red carpet also attended by Amanda Peet that Amanda Peet has to look bad and vice versa. So what happens if Mandy is just Meh?

Amanda Peet!
That's sorted. Oh hey, there's the bold lip I was looking for on Mandy. Again the dress isn't awful, though I would love to see it without the epaulets. I think with epaulets it's ok without a necklace, though if you take them away I'd want a necklace with this. I would love to see something different with the hair, like deep side part and side swept pony with big soft curls. That bag should be burned.

Leslie Jones!
I love this suit and I think she looks amazing but this is The Case Of The Disappearing Feet Part One.

Issa Rae!
The Case of the Disappearing Feet Part Two - Department of Secret Pants Part One.

Evan Rachel Wood!
The Case of the Disappearing Feet Part Three - Department of Secret Pants Part Two.

Elisabeth Moss!
Grading on a curve this is a vast improvement from what she tends to bring to the red carpet and she looks pretty good - the makeup is good, the shoes are awesome for sure. But the length of this dress is awkward and I find the slit distracting. As you've probably guessed I'm not 100% on board with the underdone hair trend, so I want a little more oomph there....

Look, I'm going to be honest: the more I write the more I think I should move her over to the Bad pile but I've already done all of these comments so I'm just going to leave her here. Now you know why sometimes people in bad outfits get a better review than they deserve.

Datoka Fanning!
I don't love the cutouts and I'm not sure this sage is a great color for her skin tone but I kind of love this look on her. It's very 70s high end bridesmaid and I can dig it.

Madalaine Petch!
My dear readers, let's talk about this dress. I can't quite figure out how I feel about it. On one hand, the color is wrong on the middle swath, which interrupts the eye and makes it hard to absorb the dress in its entirety. On the other hand, that darker color makes for an alluring and dramatic illusion  and highlights the waist in a way that is pleasing to me. I don't know what to think. What do you think?

Allison Janney!
I know this seems silly to say about a sequined (sequinced) purple gown but this is boring.

Sarah Silverman!
Tell me something I don't know, Sarah Silverman.

Edie Falco!

Kate McKinnon!

Connie Britton!
Snoooooooooooze. Also, this looks like weed.

Scarlett Johansson!
It's not that she looks bad, it's just that there is too much going on here. Stiff and plunging up top doesn't go great with hip-hugging but also drapey skirt slit so high you can see the lining.

Natasha Lyonne!
If you ever saw my college dorm room, you know I have a weakness for Natasha, so I think she usually looks pretty great. But the fact is this dress doesn't fit right.

Samantha Bee!
Coat dresses are tricky because they look like coats and this one is particularly Lady Gumshoe On Assignment. Well accessorized but I dislike her makeup story.

Laurie Metcalf!
This might be the Laurie Metcalfiest dress that ever Metcalfed but it's too long. 

Margo Martindale!
I love this dress with sheer jacket but (there's always a but in the Meh) I really wish the neckline of the dress blended better with the collar on the jacket. Because the dress has more of a bateau neckline, it gives the appearance of wider shoulders underneath the jacket. In other news WHAT ARE THOSE SHOES.

Megan Mullaly!
Make up is great, excellent bag, fit is flawless, wow I hate that print.

Holland Taylor!
There is something about the embroidery on this dress that just makes it look dowdy. I actually don't mind this length on her, it's just the detail. Which is a shame because if you put that aside she looks fabulous.

Chrissy Metz!
Really love the purple accessories with this dress but really really wish the dress touched the ground. I'd be okay not seeing the shoes. 

Constance Wu!
That's a lot of neckline. OMG I just realized it's kind of like a couture cold shoulder nooooooooooo Constance!!!!!! Noooooooooooooooo.

Felicity Huffman!
I love the idea of this outfit but the fit is way wrong for her and the shoes are extraordinarily boring. That said, excellent necklace choice.