Monday, February 12, 2018

Winter Olympics 2018: Parade of Nations!

My dear readers, I am so stoked for the PyeongChang Olympics. Though I will never understand the allure of cross country skiing, I am delighted by the mixed doubles curling, and looking forward to seeing my Winter Olympics Boyfriend Shaun White compete. That said, the greatest gift of all is figure skating... even if there won't be any simulated cunniligus during the Canadian ice dancing routine. Too bad for us in this moment but at least it was captured on film. 

Onto the Parade of Nations, or more accurately, Parade of Winter Coats. I must admit that it gets a little boring after a while to see pants and a puffy coat over and over again. With that in mind, I am going to do a selection of some noteworthy national coats instead of dragging you through every single red puffy coat ever to be worn.

Best Color-Themed Continuity In Traditional Dress: Flag Bearers!
First, the South Korean flag bearers appear in white traditional dress with multicolored hats. ... THEN!
THEN! The Olympic flag bearers appear in multicolored traditional dress with white hats! I was DELIGHTED by this cohesive design.

Best Overall Parade Of Nations Look: Nigeria!
Nigeria is the hands-down winner. I mean, we are all rooting for the Nigerian bobsled team, I know, but on top of that look at these fabulous outfits! Many countries show up in the colors of their flag but this is done with panache AND with statement necklaces. 

Most Surprisingly Not Hideous: USA!
This is actually kind of adorable, even with the large muppet hands for gloves. I kind of love that sweater, to be honest.

Brightest: Bulgaria!
That's some green pants.

Best Scarves: Eritrea!
Really digging these scarves. I am guessing there was no mandate or consensus about pant color, though. The blue would have been my choice.

Best Shiny Jacket: The Flag Bearer For Sweden!
I'm not a huge fan of when PoN sees different costumes for men and women, especially when we're sticking the women in some trash-bag-looking-puffers and the men get a nice looking ski jacket. But that gold situation at the front is sweet.

Coldest: Bermuda!
This is so extra. Bermuda is doing the most.

Best Coats: Iran!
The shape and cut of these coats is gorgeous and I need to know where to order one.

Busiest Coats: Finland!
Is it a coat or a magic eye poster? WHY NOT BOTH!?

Warmest Looking Coats: IT'S A TIE! Korea and China!

These are basically the same coat, just accessorized with blue for Korea and red and black for China but OH MAN don't these delegations look warm!? Nice.

Most Basic: Greece!
The OG Olympians also have the most basic of the outfits I saw. That said, if I was going somewhere that a snowsuit was appropriate, this is the one I would choose.

Headscratch-ing-est Use Of English: Japan!
I guess I expected "Japan" to be written in Japanese. I am confused. This delegation is a close runner up to the next category...

Best "If Found Please Return To" Branding: Canada!
Hats AND gloves AND coats all say Canada. Really hoping that it says CANADA across the ass of the pants, too, a la Juicy or Pink.

Best Case Of Not Being Sure If These Greens Go Together But Not Caring: Jamaica!
Listen, some of us will wear the olive and some of us will wear the chartreuse. Cool? Cool.

Wait, That's Not Sweden's Costume??? : Brazil!
Was very confused for a moment. I think these are pretty cute, though.

Trying The Hardest Not To Bring Attention To Themselves: Olympic Athletes From Russia!

Second Best Flag Bearer: Mexico!
An amazing outfit, only narrowly squeaked out of the #1 slot by... you guessed it...

Best Flag Bearer AND Best Recurring Participant: Tonga!
You're seriously telling me this dude qualified for both the Summer AND Winter Olympics?! And then he did this again? Amazing. Almost makes me appreciate cross country skiing. Almost.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

All Hail!

We don't normally do this but I feel I must direct your attention to absolute perfection.

Bow down before your queen, Lupita Nyong'o in custom Atelier Versace at the Black Panther premiere. Holy moly, the gown is spectacular! This is definitely the kind of gown that could wear a person but Lupita will not be worn! All hail!

Thank you to Reader Jeni for texting me a picture of Lupita this morning and suggesting this post. We will not regularly be covering red (purple) carpets for movie premieres but I think you'll agree this was worth of attention. Stunning.

Monday, January 29, 2018

SAG Awards 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

My dear readers, I find myself in the weeds. I got behind schedule on the SAG Awards and now I have all of the Grammys to contend with and I have much to say about them. I've decided that we'll wrap up the SAGs today but I'll wait until next week to dive into the Grammys. Think of it this way: it'll tide you over until the Oscars. Now let's get weird with the SAGs.


Gina Rodriguez!
I get that the designer is trying to tie the top and bottom together by exaggerating the seams on the torso with black but at the end of the day it's still just a full coverage bra on top of a beach dress. 

Margot Robbie!
Margot, that's not how you wear a boa. Sheesh.

Alison Brie!
Blam! Zoom! It looks like she's hulking out of her Flash couture! Kaplow!

Lea DeLaria!
This is one of those good WTF entries. I have never seen a tartan tux, much less a velvet tartan tux but I do not hate it. I simply marvel at it.

Allison Williams!
Remember that Fashion Plates toy where you could mix different bottoms, tops, and middles to make all sorts of different outfits? I loved that toy - my friend Beth Ann had it and I always wanted to play with it when I was at her house. Well anyway, someone mixed a really weird combo here. That fringe at the bottom makes her look like she's, I don't know, lady on top and coat rack on the bottom? It's disconcerting.

Kate Hudson!
I truly wish you could have seen me when I first encountered this Little House on the Prairie Saloon Madame Valentines Day cosplay. The face I made was almost as ridiculous as this dress.

Friday, January 26, 2018

SAG Awards 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

Before we dive back into the SAG Awards, I must share this beautiful bounty with you. Reader Chou (my internet girlfriend of forever) texted me last night with the eBay listing of the dresses from the Golden Globes. Proceeds go to the legal defense funds for Time's Up (cool) but please look at the minimum bid of $20,000 for that hideous thing Caitriona Balfe wore. In the words of Chou, "Get right the fuck out of here, Outlander." 


Selenis Leyva!
It is far, far too small at the top and very sheer, giving the illusion that She is just wearing brushstrokes with a train. The bag and earrings don't really go with it either.

La Kidman!
The color is wrong and the silhouette ages her about 15 years. 

Maya Rudolph!
Choices were made.

Madeline Brewer!
The matching shoes and lip color, the peachy pustule party dress, the dark brows and smokey eye and heavy blush... it's all just too much! 

Dakota Fanning!
Might as well keep going with the peaches and cream barbie looks. This is too big on her and she doesn't appear to be wearing makeup or accessories. Maybe she can rub her face on Madeline Brewer's and get some of that extra blush.

Laura Dern!
Serious question: who is responsible for repurposing all of these macrame wall hangings as formal wear??? I honestly looked to see if this is the same designer as Kate Hudson's GG gown and IT IS NOT. That was Valentino, this is Dior, and everyone simply must stop this madness.

Hong Chau!
Froufrou bed skirt.

Greta Gerwig!
Well this is just plain hideous. The color, the shape, the design... just wow. I'm actually impressed by how terrible this is.

Elisabeth Moss!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Mary J. Blige!
Is this like one of those best friend necklaces where someone else has the other wing and when they stand together they make one big dove? You know this hurts me because I love Mary so much. Let's focus on the positive: 2 Oscar nominations for MJB, making history as the first person to be nominated for acting and original song in the same year. THAT is amazing! I just hope she doesn't wear the other wing to the Oscars.

Samira Wiley!
Boy oh boy am I tired of see-through dresses with full coverage underwear. Even on Samira Wiley, which is really saying something.

Diane Guerrero!
The perfect outfit for when you are cold but your ribs are hot and you want to feel that princess fantasy of 18 different people stepping on the back of your dress.

Saoirse Ronan!
I don't even know what I'm looking at. The best I can come up with is a tribute to military dog tags and glittery labial folds. Whatever it is, it's a Full Patton.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

SAG Awards 2018 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

My dear readers, you already know that I grade on a curve. Someone who usually disappoints can get bumped up into the Good pile with a simpler look (cough*mandymooregoldenglobes*cough). This also means I'm harsher on those who usually stun. Case in point, our first entry today.


Lupita Nyong'o!
There is no arguing that her head is perfection but we must address the rest. Aside from the fact that this is Couture Pig-Pen Part 2 (following in the footsteps of La Kidman at the Globes), it's just too tight on top to the point that it looks uncomfortable. It also definitely could use a necklace.

Allison Janney!
I really almost love this - truly! It's just those little nubbin shoulder pads bump this ever so slightly from glam to sci fi formal.

Reese Witherspoon!
I like the idea of the top but want the sleeves positioned a little higher to give more a soft v neckline (not a scoopneck, not yet a vneck, if you will). My main problem with this is that it appears to be too tight in the thighs - either that or the material is terrible, also possible. 

Dascha Polanco!
This is a big step up for Dascha's red carpet looks but it is unfortunately a little too long on her and she sat down in the limo. That said, her hair and makeup are better than ever. Keep going in this direction, Dascha!

Olivia Munn!
I am kind of only including Olivia Munn here so we can discuss that horribly embarrassing text exchange between her and Anna Faris that she somehow decided was appropriate to share with IG. Anyway, the skirt shape is wonky here, I would prefer to see more movement.

Mandy Moore!
I miss the Delia*s catalogue too, Mandy.

Niecy Nash!
The fit on this gown is absurdly good but what I wouldn't give to see it without the rumba sleeves. If you can picture it without sleeves, this look is perfection.

Holly Hunter!
I like everything from the nose up and the waist down but in the middle it looks like an ill-fitted vest with no lipstick. 

Kristen Bell!
It's fine if a little snoozy. CUAN.

Brie Larson!
Yes, Brie, we are all excited to see you as Captain Marvel. Should we expect to see you red, gold, and blue until the next Avengers movie comes out? Just want to be prepared.  

Milo Ventimiglia!
Slightly too-small wedding tux from 1978. And yet somehow it almost works!

Sydelle Noel!
Oooh I love everything about this except how wide the top reaches. Also Sydelle Noel is an expert with chiffon on the red carpet - you can tell from the movement in the photograph that she knows how to flourish between shots!

Kelly Marie Tran!
While the construction on the skirt is unexpected, it does seem to make this look a little like upholstery - a real shame because the fabric is gooooooooooooorgeous. I'd also switch out those earrings for some big pink gemstone studs (rose quartz maybe as a cute nod to her character Rose?) and add a delicate gold necklace - nothing too eye-catching as we don't want to compete with the dress.

Taylor Schilling!
The dress is a snooze but the makeup is the thing that'll make you jump back and say GAH! Taylor, did you insult your makeup artist or something?

Chrissy Metz!
The color is stunning and I like the dress other than the part where flowers flow freely from her nipple. I'd go with a slightly brighter lip.

Connie Britton!
How is it possible that a rose gold sequined dressing gown is boring me so much?

Jackie Cruz!
Jackie Cruz is living her snuffleupagus-style cinderella fantasy! I wish this fantasy fit her bust and didn't have a double headband plastered over her bangs. Truly, I wish. More than anything. More than life.

Rita Moreno!
Our Rita looks great in her silk flower bolero jacket and (okayyyy, slightly too long) red gown! But here's the thing: big earrings AND a big necklace AND a big cuff AND a big ring? WOWZA, that is a lot of look. I'd personally ditch the cuff and the necklace. How about you?

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