Thursday, February 14, 2019

2019 Grammys Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

In this edition of WTS WTF-ery we have some entries that would be at home at the Met Ball and some entries that really should have just stayed home.

THE WTF

Chloe x Halle!
This is highly advanced young adult Michelin Man couture and I am instantly a fan. If these two aren't on Anna's invite list for May I am going to riot in the streets. 

Dolly Parton!
Ruffles? Yes. Fringe? Yes. Large costume jewels? Yes. Stockings with open toed shoes? Yes. The absolute Dolly Parton of it all? THANK GOD YES. Everything seems to be in order here.

Janelle Monae!
Alert: this is what angels look like now. Update your artwork accordingly.

Ben Harper!
 Why do I get the feeling that Ben Harper at the Grammys is just as surprised as I am to see Ben Harper at the Grammys?

Tierra  Whack!
I was not aware that one could wear a psychedelic drug as fashion. So noted. 

Katy Perry!
This is how I think I look when my high-waisted jeans feel too tight. 

Brandi Carlile!
I would love to know what the desired look started out as because it ended as a Diane Keaton Freaky Friday body swap situation. Also my brain confused Brandi Carlile was Vanessa Carlton (I KNOW I am sorry) so I just had to delete a bunch of jokes about her making her way downtown etc. 

Shawn Everett (seen here with Belgica Vargas)!
Yo, they are SO excited for Game of Thrones to come back.

Leon Bridges!
This may surprise you but Leon Bridges is from Texas. 

La Klum!
And so, it has happened. The snake has eaten its own tail and then threw up the tail onto the shoulders. The Patton has come back to us anew and must be seen. This is the Fullest Patton.

Major, major thanks to Reader Kate for alerting me to La Klum's look. Reader Kate, today you are Way Too Shay's valentine. <3

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

2019 Grammys Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

The Grammys are truly such a special sartorial treat. I think we need to do them every year now because it's just so much fun.

THE BAD

JLo and ARod!
What would you do if your boyfriend wore the general concept of modern cuisine decor in 1989 as a tux jacket? Maybe distance yourself from the situation? Well Jennifer wore a hat so large he has to stand a full two feet away from her at all times or risk taking a brim to the eyeball. He still managed to rest his hand on her butt, so congrats to him on arm length I guess. 

Kacey Musgraves!
Item listing in catalogue: tulle skirt with sash and optional modesty fan. 

Margo Price!
This is the final straw for star embellishments on the red carpet. They are officially banned.

Shawn Mendes!
My god, child, this is the tightest suit in recent memory. How do you sit without cutting off circulation to your legs??? Also this is not your color- you look like you just got the flu. 

Lady Gaga!
You know, it's about time someone paid tribute to foil highlights. 

Rashida Jones!
From the Maya Rudolph You Can't Make Me Wear Spanx line, comes the capsule collection Nor A Bra.

Saint Heart!
Why is this a glamour version of Tessie Tura in Gypsy? Surely, when it comes to attention seeking on the red carpet I prefer a butterfly gimmick to a MAGA gimmick, but it still embarrasses me. 

Kylie Jenner!
This is what misery looks like. Now available in pink!

Charlie Puth!
I want to make a joke but since he obviously just got back from The Great War, I will abstain.

St. Vincent!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Weezer!
Now you boys, you listen to me. KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF. I mean it. Stop this. Stop this now. We are all exhausted

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

2019 Grammys Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

We have a bunch of proportionizing problems today. Let's get back into it, shall we?

THE MEH

Miguel!
I absolutely love this look except for the shoes and the fact that I think the pants are a skosh too long. But it's a splendid approach and I would like to see more purple pants everywhere. 

Jameela Jamil!
She is too tall for this dress. Shorten the straps by an inch (thereby hoyking up the bustline) and I think the proportions would work better. Of course if you did that on the dress as is, it would no longer reach the floor and then THOSE proportions would look off. The color story is fabulous but this is not her dress.

Beck!
This is definitely a costume Annette Bening wore in The Kids Are All Right. 

Camila Cabello!
Snoozefest.

Eve!
So happy to see surprise pants made it to the Grammys! Hate the combination of this belt with these jewels. Don't quite know what's happening with the shoes but I'm not excited about what I can see. But! E-V-E herself looks great! So here we are. Meh.

Diplo!
And so begins Diplo's slow yet steady transformation into Karl Lagerfeld. We are so lucky to have seen the chrysalis stage.

Dula Peep!
It's totally fine! Dua Lipa looks very pretty! This is an excellent example of a strapless with a pefect necklace! Why am I so bored?

Ricky Marting (seen here with his son Matteo AND HIS MUSTACHE)!
This is so adorable but a) you know I am against sneakers on the red carpet and b) my brain is having a very hard time with this mustache situation. Like I know it's Ricky Martin but my brain is like are you sure?

Miley Cyrus!
What in the name of Judy Greer is happening with this coat? And are boot cut pants coming back because THANK GOD. The proportions are so off on this but her face and hair have never looked better.

Monday, February 11, 2019

2019 Grammys Red Carpet Rundown: The Good!

My dear readers, we are going to do something we have not done since 2013. No, not the Harlem Shake, we are going to cover The Grammys! Because why not add another red carpet to our coverage during the High Holy Days of awards season?! And this red carpet was so fun and so interesting (and sometimes hilarious), I just couldn't resist. I'm taking it sort of easy this go-round, easing into coverage of the music scene while I learn about the predilections and tendencies of our music stars. 

THE GOOD

Cardi B!
Say whatever you want to, this is A Moment and I am so here for it. This is Birth of Venus realness served on a Little Mermaid platter with a teardrop pearl belly ring garnish. This vintage Mugler is a stunning work of art and Cardi's foundation garment game is sheer perfection. (I'll see myself out.) Now if we could just get Offset to remove his undeserving self from her sparkling orbit, all would be well.

Jada Pinkett Smith!
Normally I think I would not like this dress but it's really working for me here. Jada is giving me peacock-at-rest and I am into it. She doesn't need to unfurl her tail feathers because you already know she is the best! 

Alicia Keys!
This is beautiful and fits her like a dream. Not exactly the necklace I would have chosen but I'm not mad at it. Also I really love her hair like this. 

Swizz Beatz!
A family two-for! And how cute that he matched Alicia, right? This fits him great - especially the pants. I would have left the top button undone but it's a tiny quibble.

BTS!
We got tiny bowties, we got huge bowtie, we got no tie, we got double breasted, we got a cummerbund, we got an array of whatever kind of boy band look you want - and together it all somehow works. I don't know, it's the Grammys. Just go with it.

Friday, February 1, 2019

2019 SAG Awards Red Carpet Rundown: The WTF!

And now, the thrilling conclusion of the 2019 SAG Awards red carpet. 

THE WTF

Yara Shahidi!
It's a lot of look! The catsuit is very Pink Ladies meets gymnastics floor event. The overlay is very much peter pan collar, embroidered invisibility cloak fantasy. Lots of invisibility cloaks on the red carpets lately.  

Michael B. Jordan!
I suppose that we are going to have to accept that Fashion Harnesses are a thing this year for men (thanks Louis Vuitton). That said, why in the world would you choose the ugliest one? How dare this offensive pattern be so close to MBJ's face. 

Anthony Ramos!
#1 A+ Hamilton bae showed up to the SAGs in a look I can only describe as "joke gone terribly wrong." 

Eddie Griffin!
Here's the thing: you know I hate a turtleneck under a suit. And YOU KNOW I have major issues with sneakers on the red carpet. That said, this look is somehow working for me and to that I say wtf. 

Lupita Nyong'o!
Just because you can make a garment out of one oversized suitcoat and some random fabric scraps does not mean you should. Who dared do this to Lupita?!

Alison Brie!
Alison Brie curses the baby to die at 16 after pricking her finger on the spinning wheel. And that will teach you not to invite her to parties! 

Brian Tyree Henry!
I appreciate a good necklace but two necklaces of competing length paired with this particular bowtie...it's a bit extra for me.

Shangela!
That wig line is homophobic. 

Patricia Clarkson!
Remember that time Patty Clarkson dressed as very fancy couch and the drapes behind it? 

Casey Thomas Brown!
That is a knock-off Legacy Robe and you cannot convince me those shoes are not crocs.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

2019 SAG Awards Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

My dear readers, make yourself a nice cup of tea and settle in for a long read.

THE BAD

Gemma Chan!
If there is one thing we can count on this awards season, it is this: Gemma Chan's knees WILL BE SEEN.

Amy Adams!
I originally had Ms. Amy's belted valance in the Meh until I saw those cliffhangers dangling over the edge of the shoes and I just had to throw the whole thing in the Bad. 

Rachel Bloom!
I feel deeply protective of Rachel Bloom so I am taking this kind of personally. The color washes her out completely, the shoes are boring, and the draping of the dress is unflattering. I can't even imagine a way to fix this for her. It's simply not her dress.

Angela Bassett!
Is this some sort of unholy couture version of a popcorn shirt and what the hell is it doing on Angela Bassett (other than bringing down her whole look)?

Laura Harrier!
This dress is pulled down so the hem touches the floor but that puts her in grave danger of going tits ahoy. Quite beyond the fact that it CUAN, please observe that the matching, deflated water wings are attached to the dress

Rachel Weisz!
Question for the designer: what did Rachel Weisz ever do to you?

Jane Fonda!
Her head looks magnificent but other than that ... LOL WUT?!

Betty Gilpin!
One of the less successful tiered dresses of the night. Betty looks like she has been stacked precariously on top of some cupcake wrappers. 

Rhea Seehorn!
Surprise Pants! A boob that spews forth fabric, wrapping itself around the arm to prevent anything but a side hug! Colors eerily reminiscent of the Electric Youth perfume bottle! Disappearing feet! This outfit is doing The Most.

Aja Naomi King!
Another entry in the Straps! Everywhere! hall of fame, but I am concerned that these straps are actually out to get her. They look deeply uncomfortable. I love this color on her but I think the slit is awkwardly placed and the shoes just absolutely clash with the ensemble. 

Lakeith Stanfield!
Points for effort but the cummerbund placement is incorrect and gives the distinct impression that he hit a growth spurt in the last 3 minutes.

Rumer Willis!
Remember playing dress up in your grandmother's fanciest robe?

Britney Young!
Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Madeline Brewer!
That's a bathing suit with some tacky lace over it that one might find by googling "brothel curtain, wild west."

Lucy Boynton!
Lucy: Hrm, this dress is already kind of ugly but can you drape anything over it to make it worse? Also, I want to wear a velvet hair bow like a Civil War widow so try to keep that in mind.
Designer: No problem.

Rachel Brosnahan!
How many belts is too many belts? Asking for a friend.

Darren Criss!
He's the Billy Flynn understudy going on tonight in Chicago, but he's two inches taller than the guy he's subbing for and has a much bigger neck. Razzle dazzle 'em.

Constance Wu!
The color is better than what she wore to the Golden Globes but this is just a glittery towel wrapped and pinned. The length is somewhat awkward and it truly could use a necklace. I just want so much more for her! 

Emma Stone!
Tragically, Emma Stone's sleeve was ripped off by bears who also stole her feet. Thoughts and prayers.

Kimmy Gatewood!
The call is coming from inside the dress! Get out of there Kimmy Gatewood!

Kate Nash!
Listen, the ladies of GLOW really hit this red carpet in a way from which the carpet may never recover. The yoga hair, the puffed sleeves, the remembrall purse, the Lisa Frank of it all... this is your 11 year old self's fever dream in dress form! The whole look is beyond wild.