Friday, May 25, 2012

Paging Carol Ann

They're baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Ellen Fein and Sherie Schnieder, authors of The Rules, are back! The women who wrote some of the most popular and infamous dating books of the 90’s are coming out with a modern-take on dating called Not Your Mother’s Rules, which hits bookstores in February of 2013.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh for the love of all that is good, why why why do we need more Rules!? It's basically the same, except expanded to deal with dating websites and Facebook and stuff. From the masterminds:
A woman cannot email, or even wink at a guy’s profile, without becoming the aggressor and possibly getting hurt down the line when the guy dumps her for the woman whose profile he really likes. The only way to be sure that a guy is interested is to let him make the first move. If you have something exceptional in common, he has to notice that, and contact you first.

Welp, I guess I screwed that one up. Sorry, lovely boyfriend o'mine, it looks like this whole being in love thing is a sham. It's too bad, really, but that's what Ellen and Sherie say and their word is gold. Also, see you tonight at 7.

You guys, I just don't think I can re-read The Rules when it comes out. I really, really can't do it. It made me so angry the first time around and I'm trying very hard to eliminate unnecessary stress in my life.

Speaking of unnecessary stress, last night my roommate and I thought we heard someone trying to open the back door to our house. I was watching The Wire (best show ever, duh) which of course made me pretty sure that Omar was in my backyard. Now, I love Omar but I don't ever want him looking for me.

What does one do in this situation? We froze. Then we grabbed our stuff and went over to our next door neighbor's house and asked to check the back yard. It was empty, the door was closed. When we went back to our own place feeling slightly more at ease, we checked the back yard. We both remembered the windows on the screen door being open ... but now they were closed. CRAP. So of course then we had to check the whole house - the basement, our rooms, everything. I said, "Grab something!" I grabbed a pilsner glass, thinking I could break it over someone's head (probably not, though, now that I'm thinking about it). My roommate grabbed a knife. Honestly, that scared me even worse! Then we had a hilarious game of chicken about who would go down to the basement first.

The last place we checked was the bathroom. Pulling back the shower curtain was an exercise in bravery. I thought my heart would jump straight out of my chest. This is probably why Pottermore did not sort me into Gryffindor, where live the brave of heart. Nope. Books for me please!

In the end, there was no one there. Liz went to bed, I poured myself a large glass of wine, and continued watching The Wire.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Oh right...

My dear readers, I forgot to tell you that I'm off this week! I'm doing my show, Chlamydia dell'Arte: A Sex-Ed Burlesque in NYC. If you're in the area, we run till Sunday. You can get tickets at and if you use the code FRIEND you get $5 off your ticket!

I'll be back next week with some funny stuff for you!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Met Ball 2012: The Bad!

Hold on to your hats, fashion fans. It's time for the Bad! Let's lead off with the most beautiful woman in the world (according to People Magazine), shall we?

The Bad

In what is clearly an ode to the Rorschach test, Bey pounds the final nail in the sheer dress coffin. Eesh, lady! It's just SO bad!

Dakota Fanning!
Luna Lovegood goes to the prom. The overly complicated ruffles keep the nargles away. The color is meant to fool the Dementors into thinking you're already dead.

Shailene Woodley!
Yuck. I hate this print and the double belt is hardly flattering her figure. This girl needs someone to sit her down and give her some style advice.

Eva Mendes!
Bed-Affeta: when bedazzlers and taffeta meet. Tragic, tragic consequences.

Coco Rocha!
I - but - what?! How does a model of Coco's stature show up to the Met Ball looking like she is ready for her Kids Incorporated audition? And what is with this dipped hair trend? I keep seeing it on the street and it just looks like the worst of all possible ways to grow the dye out of your hair. AND FURTHER MORE I'm not sure that satin platform mary janes are the best choice to go with what can only be called ankle-length adult jams. Oh, Coco.

Alicia Keys!
More problems in pants city. These pants are voluminous in the crotch, no? As if she was wearing a giant diaper? Or wanted people to know that either A) they can't touch this, or B) we got to pray just to make it today? On another, non-MC Hammer-related note, I just don't get peep toe boots. Your ankles are cold but your toes need to breathe? It makes NO sense.

Heidi Klum!
Divorce chic: you're doing it wrong.

Milla Jovovich!
Tomorrow night at 8, only on Lifetime: What happens when a Roman Gladiator is transported into the body of a Las Vegas cocktail waitress? Milla Jovovich stars in My Name is Glamiator!

Jessica Chastain!
NO! Oh, girl. I thought we were on the upswing with your Oscars gown but this is like 10 steps back in the wrong direction. Boooooo! No! And you know what? I can't take it anymore. YOU ARE ON PROBATION. Talk to me once you've found a new stylist.

Amy Poehler!
The head is fine. The rest is a hot mess. What is this dress? It's so tight and feathery and peplum-y. And look at all of that unadorned chest area! I don't know. Maybe if we lost the feathers and added a necklace I would like it? The world will never know.

January Jones!
I really wanted to love this, and in fact, I originally put this in the Good pile. But the more I look at it, the more I start to believe that this is the couture version of Bumblebee from Transformers. It's so very constructed, almost to the point of rigidity. Love the necklace, though.

The Sev!
I only ever want to live in a world where the Sev shows up to a huge fashion event wearing the afghan her grandma made over a bra and boy shorts. Paired, of course, with space shoes. If that ever stops happening, just put the cyanide capsules in my mouth and tell my fish I'll miss him.

Linda Evangelista!
Dowdy, frumpy, and somehow really really young for her. Here she reminds me of the tallest girl at the 8th grade dinner dance. This woman was in arguably the greatest video of all time. There is no way she should show up to the Met Ball with a glorified scrunchie in her hair.

Leighton Meester!
Leighton Meester presents: A tribute to pollen and swiffer dusters! This weekend on Stars on Ice!

Kristen Stewart!
It looks like Claudia Kishi's closet threw up on her. WHAT are those shoes? Girl, just stop.

Claire Danes!
Dig the hair and makeup, but you really ought not make that face when you're standing on the red carpet in an oversized bathrobe.

Marion Cotillard!
I've tried for about ten minutes now to come up with a witty way to say this, but I can't. She looks like hell. The dress, the bangs, the makeup, all of it. For such a gorgeous woman, she looks remarkably plain.

Lily Collins!
Frontier House meets couture part 1: at least she's fairly young. This is a little bit ghostly, though, right?

Sarah Jessica Parker!
Frontier House meets couture part 2: What The Hell Is This!? SJP, girl, you know better than this! There is no room for Laura Ashley bedspreads on the red carpet.

Remember that thing we said about leather dresses? Yeahhhhh..... Look, Ri has a killer body  but this is not a great look. The dress is too long, the hair is too...well, it's really terrible, isn't it? I can't get behind this at all. I want to love you, Ri. Help me love you.

Scarlett Johansson!
Oh girl. Oh no. No no no.

Mary Kate Olsen!
When I first saw this I straight up laughed out loud. Girlfriend has GOT to be messing with us, right? Between the fried hair and the widowed Italian grandmother costume, it's simply got to be a joke. Right? Right? Oh god... what if it's not?!

Kate Bosworth!
And then Kate Bosworth came dressed as a bergamasco...interesting. (PS, let's not speak of the hair. I just can't do it.)

Florence Welch!
Let it be said: when Alexander McQueen flocks a Christmas tree, that Christmas tree stays good and flocked.

Anya Rubik!
"Angelina Jolie's leg made big news during the Oscars, huh?" said Anya Rubik, "Well, we'll just see about that!" "Oh lady, wear some underwear!" said the rest of the world.

La Paltrow!

Oh my god. Finally! Someone has come up with an apron that's appropriate to wear to the gynecologist! You can get your annual pap and a breast exam without even taking off the apron! HOW CONVENIENT!

Elizabeth Banks!
Damn. That is one complicated dress. With all the different patterns and the stiffness on the top portion and the big slit and the peplum..that's one crazy... wait a minute... what is going on with that peplum?

Christina Ricci!

That thing over her shoulder? That's the bow of her dress. That fabric hanging down, gathered on the ground? Also part of the bow. Terrifying.

And since this is the last look we're going to see together, I have to level with you. Every time I look at this dress with all of the delicate pink fabric voluptuously folded and the structured black lace coming out of nowhere, all I can think is that this is the designer's tribute to bikini wax stubble growing back in.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Met Ball 2012: The Meh!

We have a LOT of Meh to tackle. Enjoy the snoozefest!

The Meh

Emma Roberts!
How long was she sitting in that limo? Even if we didn't have a terrible case of wrinkly dress, this color is all wrong for her. And she needs a necklace.

Cameron Diaz!

Boring and unflattering. I don't love this color on her and the back makes her ass look like saggy pancakes.

Rooney Mara!
When oh when will the sheer dress trend be over? I cannot take it anymore. For what it's worth, I kind of like the top of the dress but then it's all granny panties behind Dracula's living room curtains. The leather belt doesn't help, either.

Paula Patton!
It's pretty enough, I guess, but the dress just seems heavy to me and I feel like I would like the color more if it was just a skosh darker.

Liv Tyler!
Look closely, my dear readers. It's a front-facing racerback dress over... a tank top? I don't quite understand. Also her makeup is horrendous. Or is it...whore-endous? (I'm sorry. Ugh. God.)

Ashley Green!
Congratulations, Ashley Green, on having your wedding at the Met Ball! You had the most A-list wedding of all time! Mazel tov!

Emma Stone!
Suuuuuper cute dress but absolutely the wrong hair and sort of clunky shoes. Zonk. Try again!

Amy Adams!
Lose the bow and then we'll talk. I'm not sure white is the right color for our Amy. She does so well in jewel tones.

Rashida Jones!
Better! Not quite there yet, but better. I actually quite like the print but the straps confuse me. Also, is she carrying...a bird as a purse? That seems like a bad idea, no?

Cate Blanchett!
While I hate (HATE) this dress, I must give her many points for wearing the hell out of it and looking poised and polished as ever. It's just that this looks like something out of the Chris March human hair collection.

Brooke Shields!
Brooke, Brooke, Brooke. That dress is ugly and unflattering. There is no reason to put your hair over your bare shoulder when wearing a tarzan dress. You know better than this. Please don't do this to us again.

Sophia Vergera!
Sandra. Lee. Tablescape.

Camilla Belle!
It's a very pretty dress, but I think the illusion netting isn't doing it any favors. A delicate spaghetti strap would have been my choice on this. Also, the lipstick is just ruining everything for me. Lady, it's not 1996.

I don't know. I just expect more from a woman commonly thought to be one of the most beautiful people in the world. Part of the problem is her head - what the hell is going on with her hair and makeup? Also, look G, if your toes stick out that far in your sandals then you're wearing the wrong shoe size.

Jessica Stam!
That is a lot of dress and a lot of blue eyeshadow.

Jessica Biel and some dude!
For real, I kind of love this dress. I just wish it was about 4 inches shorter and paired with different shoes. The hair just isn't working for me either. Maybe I'm just jealous because I could never have bangs as nice as that. On the other hand, whoever that dude is looks fantastic. Just kidding, I know it's Justin Timberlake. Great tux, perfectly fitted.

Emily Blunt!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I am bored. This is boring. Hate the color, hate the hair.

Debra Messing!
Yet again, La Messing wears something metallic and unflattering. Quelle surprise. Hair looks great, though.

Mia Wasikowska!
I kind of love this dress, but it just seems so comparatively demure that I'm having a hard time seeing it as anything other than prim. I think it's the collar. And probably the hair. Where would be the perfect place to wear this gown? I can't think of the right answer.

Rosario Dawson!
Memo to Hollywood: full-length leather dresses NEVER work. True, this is the closest we've come to a winner but's just not.

Anna Wintour!
I will give her this: she dresses in theme. The new Met exhibit (the reason for the Ball, afterall) is Schiaparelli and Prada, so it makes sense that Anna showed up with a lobster on her skirt. The overall look just doesn't work for me, though, with the giant fur capelet and the signature bob. Sorry Anna. Please don't hurt me.

Diane Kruger!
Ms. Kruger is known for pushing boundaries on the red carpet, but I think this is just too much dress for such a wee lady. It looks incredibly heavy.

Ivanka Trump!
Looks like somebody's been reading Fifty Shades....

Rachel Zoe!
I get it, this is her signature look - upscale 70s boho chic. I'm just sort of bored with it and the dress is far too long on her. And - gasp - I don't like that necklace. Additionally, I am concerned that if Ms. Zoe turned sideways we wouldn't be able to see her at all.

Kirsten Dunst!
Similar to the issue I had with Mia Wasikowska's look, this just seems somewhat out of place. I love it and I think it's a great look for Kiki, but she looks like she's going to the world's most upscale 1940s theme party.