Thursday, October 31, 2013

Sexy ___ Costume Rundown 2013!

My dear readers, did you know that I've been doing these Sexy ____ costume roundups since 2006? It started over on my dear departed Livejournal - I didn't even post pictures the first year! I was delighted/horrified to find out that there is a such costume as Sexy Bee. And that's where the obsession began. (With Sexy Bee costumes, I mean...)  This year, so as not to repeat costumes from previous years, I actually made a spreadsheet. A SPREADSHEET. That, my dear readers, is dedication. And so, behold: the latest slate of Sexy ____ costumes.

Sexy Smurf!

Meh. We're starting here because in terms of Sexy ____ costumes, this is fairly tame. Though you do have the whole "only gal in a sea of men" thing going on... for better or worse. Since we're here, why don't we just obliterate all of childhood, huh?

Now THAT'S more like it. The yarn hair is what really brings it home. Do you think she has Xavier Roberts' signature on her ass?

Oh good. Now all your body-shaming frenemies are free to make comments about you eating after midnight. That's what I always go for on Halloween.

I tried to find this last year to go with Sexy Mario and Sexy Luigi, but I suppose sexy supply hadn't yet caught up with sexy demand. The only downside to this costume is that you have to keep hiding in other castles all night. Bummer.

You know, there's being a Sexy Teddy Bear but then there's eviscerating a teddy bear and crawling inside its skin for Halloween. What I'm saying is, GROSS.

Yes, but why.

Not impressed, especially compared to Option 2. Next year, hook this costume up with LED lights and you can be Sexy Tron. PS, we can agree that the finger gun is a subtle nod to the fact that Han shot first, yes?

J'adore. I specifically enjoy the fact that you can enter wearing the helmet and then remove it in slow motion, shaking out your blonde locks while the camera pans around a room full of guys just AMAZED that such a babe was under that Sexy Storm Trooper costume. Also, this song plays while that happens. Continuing on in Sexy Movieland...

Whoa. I'm worried about how many gross jokes she'll get about her "puppies." 

50% Bettie Page, 50% taking things far too literally, 100% high class.

It is hilarious to me that this is actually called a Sexy Maleficent costume. INCORRECT, Yandy. Check yourself. I think this might be the perfect Sexy ____ costume for the lady who likes to leave something to the imagination.

No, really. You're welcome. 

MOVING ON. Are ya hungry?

That's all well and good, but for the life of me I could not find a Sexy Grimace costume. Go figure.

To go with the Hamburglar, of course. Because nothing says "sexy" like the words "hot fries" right over your vagina. 

I have to give props where props are due: I put this on Facebook a couple of days ago and reader Robert commented that they missed an opportunity for a green necklace here. That's right! This Sexy ____ COULD USE A NECKLACE. Well done, reader Robert. Bravo.

This costume costs $60. That is sixty dollars to wear a mini dress that basically looks like your nipples are off-kilter and your vagina is large, contains multitudes (of pizza). But I guess the pizza crust cowl is kind of worth it, right? Moving on.

Guys, nothing makes me laugh harder than Sexy Mime. Also, it's sending the perfect message that you, too, believe that women should be seen and not heard!


For when you absolutely, positively have to go out of the house in your underwear. The best part, of course, is that this costume does not come with the sledgehammer. 

My roommate recently watched the documentary Blackfish and told me in terrifying detail about how killer whales in captivity have EATEN their trainers and stuff. So I find it pretty fitting that this Sexy Shamu costume is basically a lady in the midst of getting eaten by a whale. Also, what is sexier than dressing up like a whale? I think I have the answer...

Oh my god, somebody, please be a Sexy Bird. It's my new favorite Sexy ___.

Sparkle Pony lives! Ladies, a word to the wise: please do not dress up as a Sexy Unicorn unless you really know what that means

WHOA. There is not enough double stick tape in the world for this.

For when you want your Sexy ___ to also be a Gross ____. Gives new meaning to the phrase "I wanna feel you from the inside." GROSS.

I like that she has a jaunty pillbox hat. I feel like that really sells it.

Finally, last and certainly most rage-inducing... 

I'm really sad I have to show you this.

I mean really sad and also pretty mad. But you know what? If I had to see it, then so do you:


Let me take you through my reactions. First I was all

And then I was all

But then I looked at it again

But still, I was like

And that turned into

Until I decided

Happy Halloween, everyone! Be careful out there tonight and don't let anyone call you a ho.