COSTUMES THAT SORT OF HAVE TO DO WITH HISTORY MAYBE
Roman history or cocktail waitress at Caesar's Palace? Tough call. Especially considering the detail on the bust.
Do not be in deNILE (see what I did there?) - that skirt is sheer. Once again, points for the bust detail.
COSTUMES BASED ON PROFESSIONS
21 Hump Street, amIright ladies!? By the way, how is it possible we haven't had a Sexy Cop in the roundup before this year?
Wear this outfit and your night will feature pickup lines such as:
"You look like you know how to handle some mighty wood."
"What's the opposite of 'timber' cause this wood isn't falling down."
"I have wood."
Guys, do you think that apron really keeps her skirt clean? Can we call it a skirt? Spoiler alert: it's basically just a thong in the back, so no.
I had a hard time deciding whether this should be under professions or racism, but since I know at least two people who are professional bellydancers, I decided to categorize it here. That doesn't mean you can't also consider it racist, especially since the product is called Gypsy Belly Shaker. Also, BELLY SHAKER.
Sexy Hula Girl!
Don't dress up like other cultures for H'ween. It's gross. That said, the construction of the skirt makes it unclear to me if this is meant to be a dashboard "hula girl" or an actual human "hula girl."
Sexy Native American!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no.
Sexy Geisha 1!
This is not good.
Sexy Geisha 2!
This is even worse. You guys, if you wear any of these costumes you're really just dressing up as a Sexy Idiot Jerk.
Sexy Fortune Cookie!
Similar to Sexy Belly Shaker, I debated whether this should go under racism or food, since it's both. But since it includes the words Enjoy Me and (of course) the chopsticks as part of headpiece, I decided it should probably stay here. The fun part about this costume is the vaginal headpiece. Please look at that and try to tell me it's not a vulva. You can't can you? Because it's definitely a vulva. On your head.
I like mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and french fried potato. One million points to the model for this pose. I call it, "See? I'm a hamburger!"
Sexy. Taco. Ladies, PLEASE do not dress as a sexy taco. Dressing as a regular taco will be just as hilarious and awful. (h/t to Reader Crystal for the regular taco costume)
Let's be real here: this is an ugly, terrible costume. It's not clever, it's not sexy in any way, and it both SAYS what it is on the costume and has a PICTURE of what it is. Surely no one would dress up like a beverage?
This just in from the department of poor life choices...
Sexy Ronald McDonald!
This is my favorite Sexy ____ costume of the year. I cannot help but look at it with a mixture of revulsion and absolutely hysterical laughter. I would wear this every Halloween if someone bought it for me. It's AMAZING.
This is absolutely astounding. I can't tell if I like the sheer mesh bodysuit or the eyes/nipples better. It's available in multiple colors, you guys.
Hope she doesn't make out with the wrong person tonight otherwise she'll be in...
Sexy Lobster - Jazz Hands Edition!
Add a lab coat and you're Sexy Dr. Zoidberg. Why not Zoidberg?
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
Nope, no way. I refuse to believe that any woman in the world would every dress up as a Sexy Pig -EVEN IF they are trying to be Sexy Miss Piggy, which we all know is redundant anyway. SEXY PIG YOU GUYS.
and finally we come to the final category....
Sexy Solar System!
The only acceptable reason to wear this is in a pairs costume where the other person is Neil deGrasse Tyson. And even then, I feel like you should dress up like Pluto and hold a sign that says "Why don't you like me?" That would be way adorable.
It's "interactive" which is code for "jerks touching your junk all night." I truly don't understand why one would dress up like Tetris in this way. A better idea would be a group costume where everyone is one of the different shapes and then when it's time to leave you all fit together to form a line and then disappear from the party.
You know, there are two types of people at Halloween: those who want to look hot and those who want to have a good costume. Guess which one I am?
Yes, that's me circa middle school - some kids worried about sitting at the cool table, I worried about whether my old lady costume was authentic enough.
Sexy Three Boob Lady!
Ah, topical humor.
Sexy Egyptian Cat!
This is an extremely specific Sexy Cat costume. Extremely specific and extremely wtf?!
Sexy WWII Missile!
Probably actually worth it for the bra, right? That's some Katy Perry level bra-ness there.
Sexy Toddlers and Tiaras!
Oh for the love of JonBenet. There are some Sexy ___ costumes that are in poor taste but this is double bad because it's sexualizing further the reality of sexualized small children. If this doesn't make you actually angry, I don't know what will.
and finally, I cannot cover Halloween 2014 without acknowledging
Sexy Ebola Containment Suit!
Let's just take a moment to recognize the fact that Yandy does not carry a Sexy Ebola Containment Suit. If it's too tasteless for Yandy, you know you've truly gone too far.
Happy Halloween, everyone! Be careful out there!