Monday, May 30, 2011

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 24 and 25

Happy Memorial Day! Let's celebrate with some Rules!

Rule 24:
Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and Other Rules for Women with Children

Don't talk about your kids too much, don't introduce your kids to every person you date, don't make him worry about your kids, DO make him earn the privilege of meeting your kids.

BS Meter:
I have no idea. I don't have kids. I think, yeah, duh, it's a good idea not to parade every potential suitor in front of your children. That's probably totally confusing for them. But...

Points of Interest:
When you meet a man at a dance or social situation, it isn't really necessary to mention your children at all. Let him take your phone number, then wait until he calls for you to gently weave it into the conversation. Don't say in a serious tone, "I need to tall you something." Remember in Rule 19: Don't Open Up Too Fast, we advise you to tell him about yourself very informally. Just casually say, "Oh that's my son playing the piano," or something like that.

Again with going to dances! What is it with these ladies?
But remember that there are plenty of single fathers out there who want to remarry. So go to PTA meetings with a smile on your face and wearing a nice outfit.

You'll probably still need that nose job, though, right?

Meg's Alternate Rule:
I feel like my alternate rules are turning into one long string of Be Honest. That said, I totally agree that you should probably not introduce the kids until it's something kind of serious. That just makes good sense.

Rule 25:
Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)

Filler and rehash of what we've already learned. But! In this chapter it is revealed that you can use The Rules for friends, family members, and in the office.
If you think of The Rules as a manual for life rather than simply as rules for getting married, you might do them more often. Then, when you meet the man of your dreams, you'll have had plenty of Rules practice.

BS Meter:
Oh, Ellen and Sherrie. Don't tell me that if things are strained with my sister that I should not call her but simply return her calls. Or that if I say hello to the babysitter first that she will take advantage of me and leave me feeling empty. Listen, if a babysitter is leaving you feeling hurt and empty, you are probably having an inappropriate relationship with the babysitter.

Points of Interest:
It's not necessary to have a high IQ to do The Rules, just a certain degree of determination. In fact, highly educated girls have the hardest time with The Rules. They tend to think all this is beneath them.

BINGO. I am a highly educated, judgmental bitch-slut. Thanks for pointing that out. Same quote continued...
They'll say, "I went to graduate school, I'm not playing these games," or "I'm in management. I believe in being up front with men about my needs, my opinions, and who I really am. I refuse to be demure and smile when I don't feel like it."

wait wait wait - it's about to get REALLY good...
If you think you're too smart for The Rules, ask yourself, "Am I married?" If not, why not? Could it be that what you're doing isn't working?

Or could it be that you've dated a bunch of idiots who don't deserve your open, honest communication about needs and opinions? I don't know, just a highly educated guess. But also, these ladies seem to imply that if you're stupid, you'll be just fine. How insulting! A lady bought your dumb book and now you're just laughing in her face. $10 well spent.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
To quote the Sassy Gay Friend, "Look at your life, look at your choices." As I cautiously stick my baby toes into the dating waters for the first time in years, I'm doing a lot of thinking about habits I fell into in the past and things I'd like to change to find deeper fulfillment in my life. Not necessarily in my dating life, but I think it's probably going to bleed over. That reminds me. I have to go call my sister. Not because we have a strained relationship but because I want to. Try to stop me, Rules Girls.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Hot Damn!

My dear 6 readers, I have amazing news. The inimitable Gigi is going to take me to see the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met (at a time to be determined).


These are from two of my favorite McQueen shows - Highland Rape (2006) is the first 5 photos. I love that collection so much. Gemma Ward being swallowed by organza? Amazing. The last two are from the fall 2009 couture collection (I'm not sure what it was called - I mean probably something borderline offensive, right?). This reminds me of images I've seen from Matthew Barney know, PLUS absolutely incredible construction. I like that it's a little bit beautiful and a lot bit scary.

OBVIOUSLY I will be reporting back to you in breathless detail. Really? Do you even need to ask?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Speaking of internet dating...

Okay, so I haven't done the last two Rules for this week's installment, but since we were talking about internet dating (and personal ads, according to Ellen and Sherrie), I had to share some stuff with you. The always-wonderful Hairpin has a post about The Pros and Cons of Online Dating that is mostly genius.
Con: Coming across anyone you work with. You'll end up sitting across from Pam from accounting in a strategy meeting and only seeing “MBA ISO BBM 4 sum PDA, NSA” plastered across her forehead.

And through that post, I was directed to Pants Lock, where people can share the worst "hello" messages they have received. This is genius. A few samples:

"u must be kidding me !!!! r u really single ? lol"

"For 42 you are quite breathtaking!"

"It has been a very special time for me this morning looking through your pictures making me wonder, what I can do in return. And my conclusion for today is that I can open my heart and my inner mental world to all creatures i meet. Just as I am. And I will do so and enjoy my freedom to be."

"Why is it all the pretty girl have kids… ugh."

but the best one... oh my god. Don't read below if you are faint of heart, at work, or have just taken a large sip of water.

"Nice profile ! Are you into vaginal fisting by chance ?"


The worst one I got was a racist joke. No hello, no signature, just a racist joke. I can't remember what it was because I immediately deleted it. Another person sent, "ur pics r awesome. I give gr8 foot massages." I don't think it's going to work out with him for a couple of reasons:
1. If you can't take the time to write out complete words, it's already over.
2. I hate massages and I hate having my feet touched. Even if it's gr8 for you.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 21-23

After a long pause, we are back with more Rules. This is really just a teaser… only three Rules today with more to come tomorrow. Sharpen your knives, dear 6 readers! We’re getting to the good stuff now. As per usual, all of the insane blockquoted text belongs to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

Rule 21:
Accentuate the Positive and Other Rules for Personal Ads

Okay, this is all about placing personal ads in the newspaper, since the internet had not invented Plenty of Fish/OK Cupid/eHarmony/Match/etc/etc/etc in 1995, but we can just look at it as if they’re talking about internet dating. I suppose there is nothing stopping you from putting a personal ad in a paper, but those are generally reserved for escorts nowadays, yes? Basically when you write your ad/profile keep it breezy (like Monica Geller) and short and don’t be afraid to ask for exactly the kind of man you want. They also recommend you disclose your religion right away in your ad, which is maybe a little weird? When you answer an ad/profile, be cute and breezy, don’t send “sleazy pictures” and only agree to a date if you get a good feeling about a guy. Also, never give him your address and get his number so you can give it to your mom or friend before the date in case you go missing.

BS Meter:
The advice about giving out the dude’s contact info to your nearest and dearest before meeting him alone is pretty solid. Other than that, some of the things they want you to keep in mind are a little bit of a girl-on-girl crime. Read on:

Points of Interest:
Perhaps a man will not mind your extra twenty pounds when he sees your beautiful face, but chances are he won’t answer such a candid ad.

This would be The Rules’ way of telling you “no fatties.”
End the note by saying something like, “Well, I’m off to my aerobics class. Hope to hear from you soon.”

End the note by saying something like, “I swear I’m not fat. Hope to hear from you soon.”
You have no idea what he looks like and he may have been exaggerating about how handsome he is. On the other hand, he could very well be Kevin Costner’s twin.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Be yourself as much as possible and post attractive yet accurate photos on your profile. Then assume that everyone else on there is lying and isn’t as cute as their photos. Wouldn’t it be nice to be surprised rather than be disappointed? Also, in addition to giving your bff the number/email of the guy you’re going to see, I recommend you Google the shit out of him. Get his last name before you meet in person, look him up on police blotter records, Megan’s Law websites, and do a general Google as well. I wouldn’t, you know, tell the person that you Googled him on your first date though…that’s a little awkward.

Rule 22:
Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)

Don’t live with him, don’t leave any of your stuff at his place - not even a toothbrush at his house- until you’ve set the date. Pssht, what’s wrong with you, girlfriend! If you were really following The Rules you wouldn’t be seeing him more than a couple of times a week! You can’t uphold that Rule if you live together! DUH.

BS Meter:
I understand the argument but living together is fun. I’m pretty sure that Ellen and Sherrie would pop a blood vessel pointing to my failed living together type relationship, but it was a good time. To each their own, I think.

Points of Interest:
Remember, men don’t necessarily propose when you’re cuddled up on the couch watching a rented video, but do so when they’re afraid of losing you. In Love Story - a movie you should study like the Bible […]

But be a little distant and difficult. The unobtainable is always more exciting; men very often want something more just because they can’t have it.


Is there any reason to live with a man if you haven’t set a wedding date? Yes, and that’s when he wants to and you don’t!


Meg's Alternate Rule:
Oh god, just feel it out. If you’re apartment has become a closet you spend $650/month to rent, it’s probably more economical to just move in. It may not work out, but you might have lots of fun.

Rule 23:
Don’t Date a Married Man

If you date a married man, you are going to just miserably sit around, wishing his wife would die. The sex might be good (wait, we’re allowed to have sex now?) but eventually that will go away and you are just going to end up crying on Valentine’s Day.

BS Meter:
Everyone knows that the day before Valentine’s Day is Mistress’ Day! DUH. Problem solved! But for real, if you date a married dude, there will more than likely be problems.

Points of Interest:
Our girls get really bitchy and preachy here. Enjoy!
All these women [who date married men] suffer from low self-esteem, or why would they settle for so little? We are not big advocates of therapy, but we believe it would be worth $125 an hour to find out why you would do this to yourself.

Wait a minute, my therapist charged $125/hr…I thought that was really expensive but this book is 15 years old so I must be getting a good rate!

You’re a Rules girl! Your life is never on the edge because of a man. Either a man is available and in love with you or he’s taken and you have nothing to do with him romantically. You are not desperately waiting in the wings for his situation to change. You are not someone who waits and hopes while he takes his wife and kids to Disney World. You have a life of your own.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Yeah, don’t date married dudes. Handle separated dudes with care, getting the scoop with their ex and all that. And you gotta be real with yourself: sometimes they work it out and get back together. Overall, respect yourself and be careful with your heart.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Fire and Brimstone!!!!

So let's just say that there is some great clerical error in the sky and I do end up getting taken tomorrow in the Rapture. I mean, obviously that's not going to happen for many, many reasons but let's just pretend. There are so many things I will never get to do! Let's go down the list, shall we?

* Get married
* Have kids
* Own a house/car/dog/Pucci print scarf/Guns N Roses Greatest Hits
* Pay off my student loans (no really, I am looking forward to that!)
* Buy a big girl bed*
* Not sleep on dog sheets as a single woman in her 30s**
* Get vajazzled (oh, ps guys, you can now penazzled [thanks to Robert for the correct term])
* Have plastic surgery
* Do a cleanse
* Get involved in a celebrity scandal
* Wear a gown by Oscar de la Renta or Armani Privé
* Learn all the words to It's The End of the World As We Know It
* Buy PartyLite merchandise
* Figure out how to enjoy eating eggs
* Go grey...down there
* Learn how to pronounce Koyaanisqatsi
* Play Farmville/CafeWorld/etc.
* Follow The Rules.

But perhaps the truest and most disturbing thing is that I'd never have the chance to see the final Harry Potter film. I suppose that will save me from getting entirely too upset about things they change and scoffing under my breath, "Pssht. NOT CANON." Enjoy the Rapture, my dear 6 readers! See ya Monday!

*Seriously. Right now I sleep in a twin daybed that my sister was kind enough to lend me. I call it my giant baby crib. I am totally buying myself a big girl bed for my birthday, though.
** On the giant baby crib? Flannel sheets with very cute French bulldogs on skis, wearing sweaters. I love these sheets very much but... giant baby crib + flannel dog sheets = Miss Havisham at 31.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

My gift to you

On this, the anniversary of my birth, I am passing along this present from Kat to you. Hot Guys Reading Books!

Oh, but don't think I'm not equal opportunity. From a different Tumblr account, I give you Fuck Yeah! Anne Hathaway

Monday, May 16, 2011

Greetings from Chicago!

Sooooo many people are wearing leggings as pants here.

My dear 6 readers, in discussing this blog with reader #4, Marsha, it has come to my attention that I haven't been terribly clear about my thoughts on necklaces. I'm going to come right out and say it: I rarely wear necklaces in day-to-day life. I am a fan of the big earrings and I think we can all agree that big earrings + necklace = TOO SHAY.

I am very much pro-necklace with formal wear, especially on strapless dresses and ESPECIALLY on stars of stage and screen. Here's why: many of them are skinny minnies and wear these low strapless gowns. This opens up a lot of real estate between chin and dress and for many of these women, their clavicles could use some decoration. My other reason for wanting to see more necklaces is simply because I, average lady of the world, do not have the opportunity to borrow two million dollars worth of diamonds from Cartier and I feel that it is unfair of those who have that opportunity to turn it down. I want to see these girls dripping in jewels (non-conflict jewels, of course) just so I can imagine what it would be like to wear ten pounds of rubies.

In day-to-day life? I say do what feels comfortable, dear 6 readers. I would never jump out from behind anyone's cubicle and criticize their outfit or accessories. Not unsolicited, anyway.

That said, should you have a formal event to attend, I am available for consultation. I am also available for the eating of Chicago hot dogs because oh my god they are so good.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

On earworm music

My dear 6 readers, I am having a mental breakdown. I have not been able to get this one song out of my head for the last week. I won't punish you by embedding a video, but let's just say the artist's name rhymes with Cyley Myrus and the song includes accounts of raising one's arms, vocally making music, and throwing shindigs in America. I don't know anything other than the chorus, which makes it all the worse.

Once, in freshman year of high school, I got a Morrisey song stuck in my head for 8 months. It was awful and kind of hilariously ironic... "The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get." I haven't heard it since and I never want to.

This morning in order to flush my brain of Cyley Myrus's painful wailing, I looked up the thing I've been avoiding for a good month: Rebecca Black's "Friday." Oh, it is terrible. That poor girl. Why is she just listing the days that come after Friday? Oh, honey, no. So I thought, "Perfect! I'll have a stupid song in my head to replace the first one but since I don't hear this one everywhere I go it won't stick too long."

Wrong. Every time I try to recall the melody of "Friday" I have Cyley Myrus waving her arms in the air and having a shindig in America!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A fine sandwich in our fair city

My friend Maggie has been trying to take me to Paesano's for the past few months. Finally, on Saturday, we went! We visited their new "original" location in the Italian Market. To be honest, the ambience is a bit lacking - it is for real just a sandwich shop with some stools. But! What is lacking in ambience is more than made up for in DELICIOUS SANDWICHES. Maggie immediately ordered a Paesano (beef brisket, horseradish mayo, roasted tomatoes, pepperincino, sharp provolone & fried egg) but I had a harder time deciding. I eventually chose the Giardina (roasted eggplant, roasted fennel, caramelized peppers & onions, fresh mozzarella & basil pesto) and hoooooo buddy it was delicious. The fennel gave the sandwich a lovely sweet flavor and the eggplant was hearty. Though I don't generally like eggs, I had a bit of Maggie's sandwich and it was pretty awesome. While it seemed impossible to choose on the first visit, I know that I'll be back and most likely will eat my way through most of the menu. I just have to space it out because this is one of those places where you intend to save half of your sandwich for later but end up eating the whole thing because it is so good. I basically rolled out of there like Violet Beauregarde.


Italian Market
1017 s 9th street
Philadelphia, PA 19147

Northern Liberties
152 W Girard Ave
Philadelphia, PA 19123

Friday, May 6, 2011

RIP Arthur Laurents, the man who made me a stripper

Not exactly.

I am deeply saddened to hear of the passing of Arthur Laurents. His best known work was as the book writer for West Side Story and Gypsy. The latter of the two is hands-down my favorite musical of all time and had a profound impact on my life. No, seriously.

My sister, the inimitable Stupidcleese, and I watched Gypsy religiously as children. We watched a lot of other questionable movie musicals as well - Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (referred to in our house, still, as "7 for 7"), a story of kidnap and, ummm, rape; A Chorus Line, the perfect way for children to learn about tits and ass; and of course there were the repeated viewings of Stupidcleese's beloved Annie, which is not questionable as much as dangerous because I am seriously going to stab the next person I hear singing "Easy Street." I have Annie PTSD.

Oh, but Gypsy! That is the best one! I used to sing along with the CD in my room alone and act out all the parts. My favorites to do were "Some People" and "Rose's Turn" - which could explain my extreme geeky joy when Kurt performed "Rose's Turn" on Glee. From the first couple of notes and that first "What did it get ya?" I was clapping and practically crying out of a haze of recognition for the 14 year old Meg in her grandmother's green velvet hat with the mesh veil strutting around her room, singing her guts out. It should be mentioned that 14 year old Meg in the hat with the mesh had no idea how complex Mama Rose is. She just really liked the drama in the song.

Cleese and I were perfect for Gypsy, she blonde and cute like Dainty June, me brunette and awkward like Louise. We used to sing "Baby June and Her Newsboys" all the time.
Cleese: "I have a moo cow, a new cow, a true cow named Caroline"
Meg: "M-moo m-moo"
Cleese: "She's an extra special friend of mine"
Meg: "M-moo m-moo"
...repeat ad nauseum.

I was enchanted by the vaudeville houses section of Gypsy, with Miss Mazeppa and all the other burlesque dancers. I thought it was ridiculously glamorous that Gypsy Rose Lee would have her photo taken in the bathtub and I had no idea why Mama Rose objected so much. Looking back, I wonder if my parents ever worried that my sister and I were so enthralled with this musical. (Mom, maybe you can chime in here?) My friend G choreographs musicals for a high school in South Jerz and while I was delighted to hear that they might do my beloved Gypsy next year, I wonder how terribly appropriate it is to have a 15 year old Tessie Tura.

I don't think we should underestimate the power of the musical. My blonde and talented sister has her sights set on the bigger and better stages, just like Dainty June. And, hilariously, her brunette big sister (who cannot sing as well) has had some success with a burlesque show. Yup, the aforementioned G and I now run around doing an educational show (really!) that involves singing and dancing and burlesque stripping. Somehow I think this all ties back to Gypsy, except without the terrifying stage mother. I'm not being photographed in the bathtub yet, but a girl can dream.

So, thank you Arthur Laurents, for the amazing work you did. Here's my favorite quote from the bathtub fight.

Nobody laughs at me! Because I laugh first. At me! Me, from Seattle! Me, with no education. Me, with no talent, as you kept reminding me my whole life! Well, Mama look at me now. I'm a star! Look! Look how I live! Look at my friends! Look where I'm going! I'm not staying in burlesque! I'm moving, maybe up, maybe down! But wherever it is, I'm enjoying it. I'm having the time of my life! Because for the first time, it is my life! And I love it. I love every second of it! And I'll be damned if you're gonna take it away from me! I am Gypsy Rose Lee! And I love her!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Met Ball 2011 - just a short rundown

First of all, I know you are waiting with bated breath to see how else you can marginalize yourself in a relationship in order to score an expensive ring and I promise I will pick back up on blogging The Rules very soon. But in the meantime.... THE MET BALL! Every year the Costume Institute of the Metropolitan Museum holds this gigantic ball to kick off their exhibit and it's basically the fashion industry's prom/costume party/most high-pressure red carpet event of the year. Yes, even more than the Oscars because all of the designers are around along with Anna and Andre and all of the movers and shakers of the fashion industry. Celebrities, models, musicians, and socialites all walking the red carpet, trying to outdo each other. This is a very couture-friendly event. One of the only times a person can wear a gigantic kilt over a party dress and make top marks on every fashion radar.

(It helps if you position yourself next to Alexander McQueen in a matching outfit. RIP)

This year, there were some good frocks, some Royal Wedding-inspired hats, and also some really amazingly weird dresses. The exhibit this year is all McQueen, but since his most amazing stuff is in the museum, we didn't get too much of him on the rc. Also that would be a little bit like wearing the band's t-shirt to the concert. You don't want to be That Guy in front of Anna Wintour.

I decided to only pick three to profile because if I tried to do them all I would be blogging this for about a month. The girls over at Go Fug Yourself have so many more up on their site and they are hilarious, so please check them out for extended coverage. Let's get to it, shall we?

Best Dressed of the Night: Madonna. Seriously.

Yes! The color is divine on her, the embroidery detail is incredible, the silhouette is at once sexy and age-appropriate. Hold on. When was the last time anyone said that Madonna looked sexy and age-appropriate? Stella McCartney truly outdid herself on this dress for this woman. Paired with soft and glamorous styling, Madonna knocked it out of the park.

But here's where I have to worry about Madge. A reporter asks, "How do you feel in your dress tonight?" and she answers"A little bit fat." Oh Madonna, you have the Phantom Fat: no one can see it, but still you feel it. Stars! They're Just Like Us!

Ugliest Wedding Dress of the Night: Fergie Ferg!

Many years ago, an evil witch saw Fergie frolicking among the flowers and trees of the forest, singing Guns N Roses songs. Incensed by Fergie's determination to forever kill "Sweet Child of Mine" for all who hear her sing it, the witch cast a spell on her and Fergie was swallowed by the forest and forced to live in a tree, singing only with the birds. One day, her true love set her free by answering her song with his own voice. And she was released from the tree and joined forever with her prince. And Marchesa made her this wedding gown to commemorate her time in the forest. Unfortunately, Fergie got some weird plastic surgery right before her wedding and everyone wondered what the hell happened to her chin.

WHAT THE WHAT?! Gown of the Night: Christina Ricci!

The sad fact is that Christina Ricci has been wearing this dress as a sign of protest ever since Julie Taymor was ousted from Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Sometimes I talk about my weight

So, I do the Weight Watchers. Well, it's more accurate to say that I've been paying for online WW for a number of years and mostly I just ignore it. But I have changed eating habits quite a bit in recent years and no longer think my 5'4 frame can get away with pizza and french fries for lunch 4 days a week without consequences like needing to buy new pants.

Yesterday I was delighted to discover that I am a mere 2 lbs away from my initial goal. Here's how weight goals work in my head: the initial goal is the first touchstone and ultimately where I think my body should live. I'll be straight up with you - initial goal is 135. This is 20-25 lbs less than I weighed in college and I've been working toward it for actual years. My "ultimate goal" is 130. I would like to touch that number, maybe for a week or so. But my brain is organized so that I can touch that number and then slide back to initial goal without feeling like a failure.

Look, I know numbers are silly. We should just go with how our body feels, right? And never get on a scale! And judge when it's time to stop already with the ice cream by how our pants fit! And cut the tags out of our clothes so that it's not about numbers! That's really a great and beautiful plan, but the truth is I am a woman living in America. I want to lose weight, I like quantifiable results, and I am going to continue stepping on a scale once a week. That doesn't mean I get depressed if I go up a pound or two. Usually I know exactly why that happened (beer/pizza) and can make reasonable adjustments to get back on track.

Last night I was starving. When contemplating the food I would eat, what I wanted was all the cheesefries. And maybe some mozzarella sticks. And broccoli bites. You know how in Mermaids Cher's character only ever cooks appetizers? That's how I want my life to be, except they all have to be deep fried. But then. Oh, but then my dear 6 readers, I thought about that goal. And I realized that I also wanted a beer. Maybe two beers. So I went for moderation and got a salad. It was fantastic and satisfying and that completely surprised me. In the end, I had this salad and two REGULAR beers and it added up to fewer points than cheese fries and no beers. Win-Win.

Let's try to make it at home, shall we? I don't know how to make the dressing that was on it, but here are the ingredients.

Romaine lettuce
jicama (sliced into matchsticks)
orange sections
chile vinaigrette (no idea)

I think you could probably use any old vinaigrette on this and those are super easy to make at home. All you need is dijon mustard, vinegar of your choosing (but use a really good balsamic, you'll thank me), maybe a little garlic or shallot, salt, pepper, oil. Whisk whisk whisk DONE. Here is the Mark Bittman recipe, if you need it.

Back to our salad, the jicama is KEY. That totally made it for me. I found that with that nice texture in there I didn't need the radishes, but they added a little bit of color. I always feel that nuts on a salad are kind of optional, and I could go either way on these almonds. This is a light, delicious salad that is easy enough for a weekend lunch and fancy enough to serve for company. Oh, and here's what jicama looks like so you can go find it.

I love you, jicama.

Monday, May 2, 2011

These two...

Beatrice and Eugenie were like, Let's wear something fun! Something that will get us noticed at our cousin's weddding! We know just the thing!

And I'm like...

And they're like, No, seriously, we look GOOD!

And I'm like...

PS, Beatrice. Lay off the eyeliner, doll. We are not Margot Tenenbaum.