Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Mouse in Da House

Living in Philadelphia is wonderful. I don't need a car to get where I'm going, the neighborhood bar is open during hurricanes, things move quickly, people are interesting and colorful, I walk to small and large markets (and sometimes the grocery store and CVS) to buy the things I need, the arts scene is vibrant, the food scene is outstanding, and the rent is so affordable I actually feel bad telling my friends in other cities what my roommate and I pay to rent a full rowhome in South Philly. Sure, there are things to complain about (murder, corruption, poverty, humidity, freakin' Septa) but overall I love it here. But there's a certain cycle that I do not love: pests.

Winter: mice
Spring: those weird tiny red bugs that are on absolutely everything outside
Summer: roaches
Fall: here come the mice again

My roommate and I discovered a mouse in the house a while back. Probably not A mouse, but let's just be optimistic for a while. It's not the first time, of course. We live in Philly. It gets cold so the mice come inside to warm up. Yesterday was particularly chilly, so I wasn't terribly surprised when around 9:30 pm my lovely roommate sort of gasped and told me she had seen a mouse in the kitchen. I was calm, I sort of laughed it off, and made a couple of comments that, in retrospect, sounded condescending. I feel bad about that today. I felt bad about it at the time. I was just trying to be strong for her because I was also pretty freaked out by the mouse sighting. But why!? Mice are kind of cute!

 cute enough, like my first couple of boyfriends

I refuse to be sucked in by the cute, though. One time, in my first apartment (which had MANY mice) we saw a little baby mouse running around. It was SO cute. We called it Squiggles. Unfortunately, though, for us and for Squiggles, we had recently set out some glue traps because we didn't know they were evil. Squiggles was ensnared and we had to spend hours listening to the baby mouse scream its head off.

After that I developed a fear of mice. Naturally.

insert some sort of commentary about the evils of humankind

There was one time, a million years ago, when a mouse got trapped in the kitchen trashcan. My then-partner was away for an extended period of time and I was home alone. Worse, I had not yet closed and locked the door to the apartment. The door to the apartment which was located in THE KITCHEN. Dun dun dun. All of a sudden, the walk from the couch through the dining room to the kitchen went from a 45 second roundtrip journey to something resembling this:

please keep in mind that this is a 
doubly intimidating photo for me because I hate nature

All I could hear was the sound of the mouse trying to fight its way out of the large kitchen trashcan. With each passing moment, the size of the mouse increased in my mind until I was sure that there was vermin the size of a golden retriever waiting to eat me as soon as I stepped foot into the kitchen. In my terrified imagination, it was the largest mouse of all time. Actually, no. It was huge, gross rat with beady eyes.

and it was very concerned with labor unions

So I did what any mature, self-assured, twentysomething-year-old woman would do: I called my boyfriend in hysterics. He was in DC, working on nuclear physics a play and as I sobbed out my tale of woe he very kindly did not laugh at me. Or he only laughed at me a little. But when I demanded that he immediately leave DC and come back to Philly to deal with this mouse, he did not comply. It was just a mouse, after all. Probably the bigger problem was that his girlfriend has lost her damn mind.

artist's rendering of me on the phone that night

Certainly this is not one of the stories I tell potential suitors. Obviously I felt really dumb about it after. But last night, when I heard the tone of my roommate's gasp upon seeing our unwanted housemate (mousemate? too soon?) I knew completely and totally how she felt. Even though we could see it, even though it was clearly very small compared to us, it was scary. So instead of being scared last night, I decided to be calm. I closed up the house while she ventured upstairs. I turned out the lights even though I'm usually afraid of the dark. I laughed only a little.

PS, we're borrowing our friend's cat to try to catch the stupid mice. Of course the temperature also rose about 25 degrees today so the mice will probably clear out. Just in time for the roaches to move in. Philadelphia, y'all.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Met Gala 2013: The WTF

Hear me out on this one: not all of it is WTF in a bad way. Some of it is unbelievably awesome in a WTF way. Really. Let's wrap this up, shall we?


Ashley Olsen!
YES. But also: WTF!? You know how we all really love The Golden Girls and watch it any time we can? (I mean, I assume we all do... you're here, aren't you? Reading this? Then you must love TGG.) Anyway, we all love TGG but Ms. Ashley loves them so much she dresses as them. It's actually quite a fabulous look for her, in a decidedly bizarre way. Stay gold, Ashley Olsen.

Katy Perry!
This is fairly demure for her, dress-wise. It's damn near understated. Until, that is, you get to the giant gold CROWN on her head. And guess what? I freaking love her for this.

Donatella Versace!
As if she's not scary enough already, she had to add spikes to her shoulder and wrist. Bless.

January Jones!
The dress is a little boring, the shoes are fabulous in a terrifying way, but the Black Swan makeup really just pushes this over the edge from Meh straight to WTF.

Katie Holmes!
Every Black Swan needs a White Swan, I suppose. Or maybe she's channeling a sexy ghost? Or going to a toga party after the Met Ball? This is all sorts of mature and unflattering for her. Katie, you've broken free - please stop dressing like you're in a cult.

Elle Fanning!
Something bizarre and tragic is happening here. While I understand that one must find distractions whilst one is tracking hurricanes, one shouldn't leave the house after letting a five year old play "beautician" on one's face.

Florence Welch!
Oh, Flo! You're so kooky. But floor length fringe and velvet is really more of a Winter look.

Coco Rocha!

Sofia Coppola and Marc Jacobs!
Peter Pan collar aside, I think the polka dot suit is kind of fabulous is an insane way. The duct tape pajamas, on the other hand, are a CRIME. A CRIME, SOPHIA.

Rose Huntington-Whitely!
Sure, of course. Metallic olive satin, some netting, and feather pasties. What else would you wear to the Met Ball?

Mary Kate Olsen!
Here's the difference between Ashley and Mary Kate: Ashley has embraced her inner retiree and gone straight to fabulous. Mary Kate appears as though she has given up on life and she's taking as many dead animals with her as possible.

Anna Wintour (seen here with Bee Shaffer)!
Anna Wintour, seen here celebrating Punk. Obviously.

Kim Kardashian!
Yes, yes, we know. Grandma couch, Mrs. Doubtfire, OMFG WTF IS HAPPENING HERE. We've seen all of the reactions already and I must admit - I had those same reactions. But the really troubling thing here is...

THE DRESS EXTENDS TO HER FINGERTIPS. Now that, my dear readers, is advanced WTF-ery.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Met Gala 2013: The Bad

Buckle up! It's going to be a bumpy ride!


Kristen Stewart!
I swear to god, if I see this girl dressed as a toreador one more time, I am going to lose my mind. Also: yeesh. What is going on with the cut of those pants? I'm not at all saying that if the hips weren't cut quite so generously that I would be pleased about this nightmare in maroon, I'm just saying insult to injury, you know?

Gisele Bundchen!
She's basically wearing a glorified sleeve, right? I mean great job not displaying your vagina in that getup, but it's not a dress.

Greta Gerwig!
Oh lord, girl, the theme was punk not goth. You look like you're living on Fascination Street. Luckily I have these Pictures of You to tide me over until Friday (I'm In Love).

Jennifer Lopez!

Alicia Keys!
What has happened here?! Leather halter on top, maroon sequins on the bottom, lovehandle cutouts. All of it is wrong.

Sienna Miller!
You can't just take a pretty dress and throw a tough looking jacket on it and call it a day. There is only one person in the world who can pull off that look and it's my friend Pidge. You, Sienna Miller, are no Pidge.

Jessica Pare!
Seriously, you guys, every time I look at this photo I start laughing. If you are not yet laughing, try looking at it from the bottom up. As soon as you get to the face, you'll die. In other news, girl what are you doing?! You are one of the most gorgeous women, like, ever. Why did you let someone do that to your eyelids?

Stacy Keibler!
Oddly robotic dress, terrifying shoes, bad hair, no makeup. I just can't with this one. It's a good thing she did so well at the Oscars because otherwise she would definitely be on probation.

Kelly Osbourne!
I love her hair like this, but everything else about this outfit screams What Is This I Don't Even.

Alison Williams!
Ohmygod, somebody: Quick! Tell Alison her dress is melting!

Elizabeth Banks!
Apparently, she's got the horse right here and his name is Paul Revere. I see absolutely no reason to ever put this on your body nless you are doing a Vegas showgirl version of Guys and Dolls. Remember how perfect Madonna looked in jacket-no-pants? This is the opposite of that. And don't get me started on those shoes.

Kate Mara!
It is at once twee, frightening, unflattering, and about 5 seconds away from Tits Ahoy. How does she manage to combine so many unpleasant things into one dress?

Emma Watson!
Accio Different Dress!

Blake Lively!
This appears to be a bandage dress that has developed an absolutely awful mold problem. Blake! Get out before it's too late!

Kerry Washington!
The Couch-ening: Part I. (Oh you KNOW what Part II is... and we'll address Ms. K in the next post.) I didn't realize how much I hated metallic florals until I saw this dress. There also appears to be some sort of tulle train and arm-length leather gloves. Naturally.

Jessica Biel!
Once again she shows up with post-workout hair. This time, though, we also have a mullet dress and - NO LIE - lace leggings. Lacings. I... I just can't, you guys.

Nicki Minaj!
This is so stumpifying. She is a WEE woman and this just makes her look about 2' tall. Beware the floating boobs of Nicki Minaj!

Gwen Stefani!
Okay, what?! No, seriously... What?! I mean, that's just a piece of black satin tied in a bow around her torso, right?

Heidi Klum!
Aw! Did you guys know that La Klum got married at the Met Ball? So sweet!

Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Gwyneth Paltrow!
I'm just going to go ahead and show you a piece of the conversation I had over gchat with Reader Katya regarding this look.

me: OMG. OMFG. Gwyneth. 
Katya: Oh I didn't see her!
Katya: OMG
  I just saw Gwyneth
me: RIGHT?!

And that's pretty much all I have to say about that. And finally, last but certainly not least.......the one, the only:

The Sev!
This is the best thing to wear for today, you understand. Because I don't like women in skirts and the best thing is to wear pantyhose or some pants under a short skirt, I think. Then you have the pants under the skirt and then you can pull the stockings up over the pants underneath the skirt. And you can always take off the skirt and use it as a cape. So I think this is the best costume for today.

Hats off to The Sev for continuing that whole "you can see my undergarments through my dress" thing she had going on last year.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Met Ball 2013: The Meh!

Welcome back! Let's fasten our seatbelts for...


Miley Cyrus!
I'm not going to lie to you: I kind of love this. She's bringing 1995 Sharon Stone realness and it WORKS. She landed in the Meh today because while I love the idea, the execution could have been much better. The underdress is too big, making the whole thing look wonky. Also, I get what she was doing with the spiked hair, but it's difficult for a girl with fine hair to pull that off. Still: A for effort, kid.

Nicole Richie!
How fabulous is this dress!? Too bad it's totally wrong for the event. Again, with the hair, I totally get what she was doing it just didn't work out the for the best. Makeup, on the other hand, is some of the best of the night.

Sarah Jessica Parker!
Now THAT is a dress you wear to the Met Ball. Yes, girl, yes. Unfortunately, the styling goes all wrong when we get to top and bottom. Great idea to have a Philip Treacy "mohawk" if you absolutely must observe the ridiculous theme but the hairstyle with it is all wrong. Also, those shoes are a freaking crime and should be outlawed. EW.

Kate Bosworth!
Totally fabulous dress. It's just too bad she looks like a poorly assembled Bratz doll. (PS, how do we feel about the attractive man in the gold shoes and coat sans shirt without Ms. Bosworth?)

Jessica Alba!
Ugh. Terribly boring, especially considering her amazing showing at last year's Met Ball. Somehow this looks like a formal version of something the In Living Color fly girls would wear. Maybe it's the weird middle bra top thing?

Ivanka Trump!
True facts: if the skirt wasn't quite so "witchy" (in the mid-90s crinkle skirt sense of the word) and we weren't trying quite so hard with the spiky cuffs, this would have been a homerun for me. I love the navy and green pairing. I love the navy streaks in her hair. I love how casual she is about wearing some very serious shoes. SO CLOSE.

Jennifer Lawrence!
Prom Part I: Enchantment Under the Sea (could use a necklace)

Kylie Minogue!
Prom Part II: Secret Garden (could use a necklace)

Ginnifer Goodwin!
The dress is kind of pretty, maybe, but it doesn't do anything for her. The masked avenger makeup certainly isn't helping. Here's my edit: ditch the vertical stripe, keep the cap sleeves but soften the neckline slightly by making the contrast at the neckline the same gold-studded black fabric as the bottom. Then vigorously apply a cotton ball to the eyelids. Keep the dark brows. Now you don't look quite so much like you're mad at your parents for buying generic macaroni and cheese.

Claire Danes!
A pretty little snoozefest.

Marion Cotilliard!
I don't understand how so much could be going on with this look and yet I feel like I'm looking at nothing.

Taylor Swift!
Why do I feel like she's secretly auditioning for Game of Thrones with this dress? Either that or secretly communicating to me via the mouth around her bust. WEIRD. That makes me miss the twee virginal dresses she recently ditched.

Emma Roberts!
Saggy and boring. Please go home and try again, this time with the appropriate undergarments and a better fitting dress. And maybe some accessories. And a better hairstyle.

Ashley Greene!
WRONG. This Marchesa is not your friend, ladyloo.

Cameron Diaz!
The skirt is too tight, the hair is too severe (color and style), and that belt really freaks me out. Great color for her, though, and I am loving this poncho-cape thing she's got going on. Very dramatic.