Friday, May 9, 2014

Met Ball 2014 Fashion Rundown: The WTF

As always, the Met Gala has the highest number of WTF entries of the red carpets we cover here at WTS. That is because these people are insane and also because COUTURE. Shall we see what our dear sweet daffy celebs have in store for us? I think we shall.


Sari Mercer (seen here with Chiwetel Ejiofor)!
What fresh hell is this? No really, please tell me. I don't see any reason at all to come to the Met Ball dressed as Great Aunt Bea's fussiest guest room and carrying the bag version of Stephanie Seymour's dress. I'll give her this: excellent arm candy.

This outfit actually makes me mad at Rihanna because there is absolutely no reason this should be seen outside of a Janet Jackson video circa 1994 AND because there is absolutely no reason she should be able to actually make it look good. WTF, Rihanna?!

Kirsten Dunst!
I'll be straight with you: I absolutely love this. It's completely whack, but it's also totally fabulous and hilarious. Well played, Kiki, well played.

Florence Welch!
Oh, Flo, you are so reliably kooky. Congratulations on wearing a hideous butterfly comforter as a coat.

Beyonce (seen here with Jay-Z)!
Ol' white soles in the background says it all. His face is all sorts of "OMFG BEYONCE!" but also "OMFG IS BEYONCE WEARING CLOTHES???" and a little bit "OMFG BEYONCE IS NAKED BUT NEEDS TO COVER HER FACE WTF IS THAT ABOUT?!" Because isn't that what we're all thinking? Jay-Z looks fantastic, of course.

Kate Upton!
Oh crap, guys. They're rebooting Gunsmoke with Kate Upton as Miss Kitty.

Lena Dunham!
It's heavy looking and the shape isn't doing a thing for her. For me, the only thing I can think with this look is that once Mara Wilson announced she has no desire to be part of Mrs. Doubtfire 2, Lena threw everything she had into getting that role. Am I the only one who sees it?

Lupita Nyong'o!
Okay, sure, no one can have a flawless season, but this is SO VERY FAR off the mark that I don't even want to admit that it's her. She looks like a Mardi Gras float gone horribly wrong. You're tearing me apart, Lisa  Lupita!

Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen!
Bless their 80 year old hearts. I have to say that, once again, I find Ashley's look to be the better of the two even if she is veering slightly into Costume Land with her monied-widow-with-Jane-Haiyre look (thank you, Reader Marsha). MK, on the other hand looks somehow ever so slightly less fabulously retired. I think it's a combination of bad fit, a big grandma bag (comparatively), and treadmill hair. All in all, I absolutely love these two and always look forward to their Met Gala selections. Delightful.

Zoe Saldana!
That is the biggest knee goiter I've ever seen.

Brie Larson!
A conversation happening in the background:

Bryan Cranston's Wife: Hey, don't be obvious, but is that Bjork?
Bryan Cranston: No, I'm pretty sure that's not Bjork.
Bryan Cranston's Wife:  Are you sure?
Bryan Cranston: That's definitely not Bjork.
Brie Larson: [to self] My name Isobel.

Naomi Watts!
Naomi Watts is wearing a tribute to polka dots, figure skating, mermaids, fish scales, and most especially the vagina.

Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka!
What the actual fuck is going on here? Why are they dressed like marionettes in shrunken clothes?

Katie Holmes!
When did Katie Holmes turn into Sally Field? I take it back, actually, because that might hurt Sally Field's feelings. All I can think is that this is some sort of performance art version of how Belle would actually look after a month or so of captivity in the Beast's palace - slightly manic, definitely rumpled and dirty. You know? I'd probably watch that show.

Sandra Lee!
Bibbity Bobbity EW! I am Semi-Afraid (see what I did there?) of this dress. You guys, this is all at once one of the worst and one of the funniest looks I've ever seen. Bless you, Sandra Lee. Keep being you.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Met Ball 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Bad

Et voila!


Elizabeth Olsen!
 That is straight-up a figure skating costume. It doesn't look like one, it is one.

Jessica Alba!
 Jessica, no. We do not wear unflattering curtains to the Met Ball.

Claire Danes!
 This is the 11th grade prom dress you rejected for being "too much." Why is there velvet on her body in May? Oh Claire. At least she got her makeup right this time?

Alexa Chung!
 The sad hair, the bad shoes, the.... I guess we're calling that a dress?, the understated makeup... I just can't you guys. Why does this dress exist? It's one of the worst things I've ever seen. I'm just hoping there's something worse to keep it all in perspective.

Suki Waterhouse!
 Ah yes, there it is: something worse to keep it all in perspective. She looks like a mangy camel.

Shailene Woodley!
  Do you see the woman in stripes in the back, clutching her face in dismay? That's me. What is this dress? Why does she look like she's trying to hide behind a lamp and curtains? Who let this happen?

Emma Stone!
 Midriff alert, threat level orange. The athletic cut top is not helping me here, though I do quite like the skirt. But with the hair and everything, she kind of looks like she's an extra in some Legally Blonde wedding scene.

Gabrielle Union!
 Midriff alert, threat level red! I think that skirt is trying to attack her/us/the world. Gabby, you in danger girl.

Kate Mara!
 She looks better than she has perhaps ever, but still she's in the bottom. This seems to me to be an ode to the wallpaper found in historic houses, complete with protective layer of dust. I don't know why I even try with Kate Mara.

Idina Menzel!
 Gah! Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Rita Ora!

 While it is highly editorial, it's also highly ugly. Rita, babe, you tried. I hope your arm feels better soon.

Anna Wintour!
  Drab drab drab drab drab. Must she always wear this silhouette to the Met Ball? Must she? I assume she must. Boring and disappointing.

Stephanie Seymour!
Guys, let's make an agreement: even if we look this good in our mid-40s, let's not wear dresses we would have drooled over as 9 year olds.

Zooey Deschanel!
Something is very off here and I just can't put my finger on it. It strikes me as sloppy and matronly. Also! Sometimes I don't think she looks like herself at all and it's confusing. Is it just me?

Lily Allen!
  Lily Allen is seen here wearing An Ode to the Layers of Earth: From Crust to Mantle to Core. I don't quite understand why there are also bows on her arms nor why she's carrying a package of gummy bears as a purse, but then again maybe I'm just not "with it" and "hip."

Dianna Agron!
 Everything is wrong. The hem is a ruiner, the purple graduation hood detail is heavy looking, the makeup is too understated, and that bag is hideous. While we're at it, if you're wearing a mullet hem, you'd better be damn sure you're wearing the best possible shoes for the ensemble. Dianna is not. Girl, be careful... it looks like Gabby's skirt is eying you up from the back.

Michelle Williams!
 "Oh shit," Michelle thought to herself. "I seem to have wondered into the Met Ball on the way to dinner with my agent. Shit shit shit. Okay, be cool. Confidence is the best way to cover when one is underdressed for an event. Didn't I read that somewhere? Argh, I wish I had put on mascara! No, no, don't do that. Confidence. Confidence."

Nicole Richie!
 So she's still doing the lavender-silver hair, huh? I still like it, for the record, UNLIKE how I feel about this sheath. I have to say, though, I get the feeling this looked better in life that it does in the photo. Before you move on to the next unfortunate outfit, take a moment to observe the man in the back trying to sneak a photo of Nicole's butt. His expression is pure, "I swear I'm not doing anything! Just taking a regular non-creepy photo!" It's perfect.

Rosamund Pike!
 Zip-up leather top, sweater skirt of many textures and patterns, giant terrifying bug shoes, and a dildo tied around her waist. MET BALL.

 The hair is disappointing for me and the dress is too big on her. Though, I suppose when you're wearing a giant man-eating vagina, you need a little extra fabric in the torso for support.

Lea Michele!
 Speaking of extra fabric around the torso - what in the world is going on with her waist? Quite beyond that, oh Lea. Stop trying to look like a 52 year old divorcee who is trying to sleep with every 23 year old man within a half mile radius. It's a tired look, dear, most especially on you.

Kristen Stewart!
 Yes but why? On a scale of 1 to Patton, this is a firm 9, and maybe just for the combination of ostrich feathers and that hideous sequined underskirt.

Met Ball 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Meh

Gird your loins, fashion fans! We have a lot to cover today!


Reese Witherspoon!
 I was so close to putting this in the Good pile. I love the neckline so much and, obviously, pink is a great color for Reese. But the hair drags this look straight into costume for me. Do you see what I see?

Yeeeaaaahhhhhh... it's a little too on the nose for me.

Hayden Panetierre!
 Another almost for me. The dress itself is great and her head hasn't looked this good in ears, but I hate the fabric so much. It reminds me of a bedspread I had in middle school that I thought was girly-edgy. It wasn't and neither is this. CUAN, too.

Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal!
 There is a LOT going on here, so let's deconstruct a bit. Jakey looks pretty great, but I would have liked a different color bowtie and a different cut on the pants. Maggie is wearing a Twister mat in 70s romper room colors... and has NEVER LOOKED BETTER. How. How is this happening like this? She should not at all look this great in this dress. I am flummoxed but also really happy to see her look so great.

Greta Gerwig!
 Except for that sheer wide strap on the left, I'm in love with this dress. It's dramatic, editorial, and looks fantastic on her. However. The shoes? The hair? The makeup? Wooof. The styling is really sinking this.

Taylor Swift!
 More blonde white women! I get this look and it's very elegant but the color and the bangs are making her look about 16 years old. She's at least 18 by this point, right? The shoes on Ms. Redhead in silver, though, are gorgeous.

Maggie Q!
 Reader Beth, I'm sorry to say that the "Jane Eyre hair" is a thing now. Because that's part of the 90s look and the 90s are everything now. Remember Madonna's hair in the Frozen video? It's gonna be like that for the next bit of time. Onto Maggie's fairly fabulous but there's no movement, no flow. My real ish here is how the skirt marries to the bodice. I just can't look at it and like it.

Olivia Munn!
 It's the wrong color and she needs slightly more dramatic makeup. That's all I can say about this because I am SO distracted.

Allison Williams!
 It's too long, your undergarments are betraying their presence and most of all I'm just bored. Snooze, Allison, snooze.

Felicity Jones!
 This is gorgeous. I'm annoyed that she CLEARLY sat down in the limo and allowed her train to get shoved in there. But, that said, I think black isn't showing off the beautiful craftspersonship to its fullest. With her coloring and that (ugh) hair, I'd go with this in a gorgeous cornflower blue. That would make her eyes pop and then you'd be able to see the work in the skirt.

Kristen Wiig!
 Hey girl heyyyy. Okay! We're getting somewhere now. Wiig is going in the SWINTON direction and it's definitely working. If the pants actually had good fit, the shoes were a little bit MORE, and the hair was a bit more structural I think this would be a winner. WIIG! Keep going! Always be thinking SWINTON.

Amy Adams!
 Lose an inch off the bottom and change the color to a dusky rose or a dark gold and we have a winner. Amy, you sweet woman, please stop wearing white and silver like forever.

Kendall Jenner!
 This is a gorgeous dress that is half a size too small and half a shade too light or too dark... really, she could go either way to great effect. And the just-got-out-of-a-convertible hair doesn't help. I don't always love trumpet gowns but this is a stunner.

Zoe Kravitz!
 Zoe, honey, you are super hot; you don't have to try so hard.

Marion Cotillard!
 Love the shoes (but not with this dress). Love the hair (but not with this dress).  Love the idea of the dress but don't love the dress at all -ESPECIALLY the length on that hem. It really needs to be 2 inches shorter. And! Oh lord no! The sheer straps are back! nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Rachel McAdams!
 The fit is great and her head is perfect - she looks gorgeous, like always. But, honestly? It's a boring dress in a boring color and needs a few more accessories.

Anne Hathaway!
 It begins: the parade of midriffs. Lord save us. Of all of the unfortunate midriffs, this is one of the best. Honestly, she looks great but I don't think we needed to see her abs. The styling is PERFECT, you guys.

Dakota Johnson!
 I am super confused about the construction on this dress but it's interesting/unexpected and I like the mix of materials (and I'm really into the gloves with it). Loving her makeup, not loving the hair.

Bee Shaffer!
Jane Eyre hair alert. I love the idea of this dress and she wears ice blue like a pro, but I have to confess that it just looks completely overworked. This dress kind of makes me tired when I look at it. Sorry, Bee. Don't tell your mama.

Diane Kruger (with bonus half of Pacey in the background)!

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West!
 Kanye always looks trapped, doesn't he? Maybe he's trapped in those pants - FAR too slim of a cut for your jib, my friend. Kim looks fairly basic but great. I definitely need those shoes.

Donatella Versace!
 My dear readers, let's just all take a moment to acknowledge the wonder and power that is Donatella. I haaaaate this color on her so much and it looks like she is fighting with the glittery skirt, but there's no denying the drama of this.

Naomi Campbell!
 I mean.... she looks beautiful and is bringing the drama but this is a swimsuit coverup from 1976, right? The fabric isn't helping. The muppet sleeves are DEFINITELY helping. Stay gold, Naomi.