Thursday, May 8, 2014

Met Ball 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Bad

Et voila!

THE BAD

Elizabeth Olsen!
 That is straight-up a figure skating costume. It doesn't look like one, it is one.

Jessica Alba!
 Jessica, no. We do not wear unflattering curtains to the Met Ball.

Claire Danes!
 This is the 11th grade prom dress you rejected for being "too much." Why is there velvet on her body in May? Oh Claire. At least she got her makeup right this time?

Alexa Chung!
 The sad hair, the bad shoes, the.... I guess we're calling that a dress?, the understated makeup... I just can't you guys. Why does this dress exist? It's one of the worst things I've ever seen. I'm just hoping there's something worse to keep it all in perspective.

Suki Waterhouse!
 Ah yes, there it is: something worse to keep it all in perspective. She looks like a mangy camel.

Shailene Woodley!
  Do you see the woman in stripes in the back, clutching her face in dismay? That's me. What is this dress? Why does she look like she's trying to hide behind a lamp and curtains? Who let this happen?

Emma Stone!
 Midriff alert, threat level orange. The athletic cut top is not helping me here, though I do quite like the skirt. But with the hair and everything, she kind of looks like she's an extra in some Legally Blonde wedding scene.

Gabrielle Union!
 Midriff alert, threat level red! I think that skirt is trying to attack her/us/the world. Gabby, you in danger girl.

Kate Mara!
 She looks better than she has perhaps ever, but still she's in the bottom. This seems to me to be an ode to the wallpaper found in historic houses, complete with protective layer of dust. I don't know why I even try with Kate Mara.

Idina Menzel!
 Gah! Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Rita Ora!

 While it is highly editorial, it's also highly ugly. Rita, babe, you tried. I hope your arm feels better soon.

Anna Wintour!
  Drab drab drab drab drab. Must she always wear this silhouette to the Met Ball? Must she? I assume she must. Boring and disappointing.

Stephanie Seymour!
 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO.
Guys, let's make an agreement: even if we look this good in our mid-40s, let's not wear dresses we would have drooled over as 9 year olds.

Zooey Deschanel!
Something is very off here and I just can't put my finger on it. It strikes me as sloppy and matronly. Also! Sometimes I don't think she looks like herself at all and it's confusing. Is it just me?

Lily Allen!
  Lily Allen is seen here wearing An Ode to the Layers of Earth: From Crust to Mantle to Core. I don't quite understand why there are also bows on her arms nor why she's carrying a package of gummy bears as a purse, but then again maybe I'm just not "with it" and "hip."

Dianna Agron!
 Everything is wrong. The hem is a ruiner, the purple graduation hood detail is heavy looking, the makeup is too understated, and that bag is hideous. While we're at it, if you're wearing a mullet hem, you'd better be damn sure you're wearing the best possible shoes for the ensemble. Dianna is not. Girl, be careful... it looks like Gabby's skirt is eying you up from the back.

Michelle Williams!
 "Oh shit," Michelle thought to herself. "I seem to have wondered into the Met Ball on the way to dinner with my agent. Shit shit shit. Okay, be cool. Confidence is the best way to cover when one is underdressed for an event. Didn't I read that somewhere? Argh, I wish I had put on mascara! No, no, don't do that. Confidence. Confidence."

Nicole Richie!
 So she's still doing the lavender-silver hair, huh? I still like it, for the record, UNLIKE how I feel about this sheath. I have to say, though, I get the feeling this looked better in life that it does in the photo. Before you move on to the next unfortunate outfit, take a moment to observe the man in the back trying to sneak a photo of Nicole's butt. His expression is pure, "I swear I'm not doing anything! Just taking a regular non-creepy photo!" It's perfect.

Rosamund Pike!
 Zip-up leather top, sweater skirt of many textures and patterns, giant terrifying bug shoes, and a dildo tied around her waist. MET BALL.

Solange!
 The hair is disappointing for me and the dress is too big on her. Though, I suppose when you're wearing a giant man-eating vagina, you need a little extra fabric in the torso for support.

Lea Michele!
 Speaking of extra fabric around the torso - what in the world is going on with her waist? Quite beyond that, oh Lea. Stop trying to look like a 52 year old divorcee who is trying to sleep with every 23 year old man within a half mile radius. It's a tired look, dear, most especially on you.

Kristen Stewart!
 Yes but why? On a scale of 1 to Patton, this is a firm 9, and maybe just for the combination of ostrich feathers and that hideous sequined underskirt.


5 comments:

  1. First - I totally agree on Zooey D. Who IS that? That whole picture makes me think the pod people who were transmitting through Gabrielle Union's dress got to her. Also, how fabulous is the cop behind Alexa Chung with the WTF face. She should have written her a citation. Good thing you're around to do so!

    Erin

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  2. Oh my god, hahaha, I didn't notice the cop! That's PERFECT.

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  3. your giant man-eating vagina comment is a whole lot of YES (and cracked my sh*t up!)

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  4. Michelle Williams' dress looks like eyes on her hip area. OMG!

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  5. I have seldom seen a more hideous collection of clothing - and on people who certainly ought to know better. What's up with this?? I can't imagine you'll find any "goods" - comments are spot on.

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