Monday, June 27, 2016

Tony Awards 2016 Rundown: The WTF!

My dear readers, it has come to my attention that we could use a quick refresher on a thing or two. Firstly, CUAN stands for Could Use A Necklace. Secondly, I'd like to remind you all that this particular section, The WTF, is not always a BAD WTF. Indeed there are a few looks you're about to see that boggle the mind in the best possible way. Let's dive in, shall we?


Daveed Diggs (seen here with Jalene Goodwin)!
Is this the suit coat version of Andy's prom dress from Pretty in Pink? Is it a nod to Joseph? Is that mesh armor on the lower half of the sleeve? If so, does Daveed Diggs think there will be a Red Wedding moment during the Tonys? Overall...WUT. 

True story: my friend Lena sent me an email during the red carpet arrivals. The subject was "DAVEED DIGGS AT THE TONYS!!!" and the body of the email was "DAVEED DIGGS AT THE TONYS!!!" This is the correct sentiment and I have nothing more to add.

David Burtka (seen here with Neil Patrick Harris)!
Is David Burtka turning into Liberace on purpose or by accident? I'm actually asking.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead!
An ode to confetti and tasteful nudity.

Leslie Odom Jr. (seen here with Nicolette Robinson)!
This is a truly confusing hem length. WT actual F is going on with these pants? Ankles haven't been this escandaloso since the Victorian era. 

Keri Russell!
GURL WUT. Do you really sweat that much? 

Tom Scutt!
This is some Dr. Egon Spengler-goes-to-art-school realness! Boots, mock turtleneck, pleated parachute pants, the rolled up sleeves... I could not possibly love this more. Thanks to Reader Nicole for pointing out the Harold Ramis of it all. 

Cynthia Erivo!
If there was ever a dress that shouldn't work but totally does it is this one. Maybe I'm still coming down from her powerhouse performance during the Color Purple medley, but only a true diva could wear this as well as she does. It's insane and it's complicated and it's FABULOUS. 

Friday, June 24, 2016

Tony Awards 2016 Rundown: The Bad!

My dear readers, it is now time to venture into the land of awkward necklines, too-tight trousers, and- shockingly- more than one ode to stage curtains. A little on the nose, if you ask me.


Cate Blanchett!
I often find it eye-roll-inducing when Cate does her "edgy" thing but this is pushing me over the cliff. I'm seeing leather sleeves (in New York in June), a bustier, and with a tribute to rain washing over asphalt hot glued around her waist. This is the garment that gets a designer kicked off the first episode of Project Runway, not what we wear to the Tonys, Cate.

Zachary Levi!
Tony and Tina's Wedding costume.

Laura Benanti!
It looks like we're watching an infection spreading through her lymphatic system. Feel better soon!

Uzo Aduba!
First of all, (this is not a spoiler) how cute was the moment in the new seasons of OINTB when Suzanne was talking about loving Glinda? I mean, she was talking about the wrong Glinda but I thought it was a really lovely little wink to Uzo's showstopping turn in The Wiz Live earlier this year. Something not as cute is this dress. The color is a dream on her and I love the styling but this neckline is eight shades of wrong. It gives her football boobs and chicken cutlets, which is an injustice to Uzo Aduba.

James Corden (seen here with Julia Carey)!
My god that is a shiny suit.

Jessica Lange!
The Curtain Goes Up: Part 1: Pre-Show. In this tribute to stage curtains, La Lange has kindly tied the rest of the dress up at the waist so you don't miss any of the action that may happen between her knees.

Rose Byrne (seen here with Bobby Cannavale)!
The Curtain Goes Up: Part 2: The Curtain Parts. Here we see Rose Byrne giving an ode to some of the less reputable dance halls. (Psst, Bobby, rethink your hem length slightly.)

Patina Miller (seen here with Erich Bergen)!
The Curtain Goes Up: Part 3: Show Time! I am seriously waiting for someone to crawl behind her and perform a puppet show between her ankles. Quite beyond the theatrical aspect, the rest of this gown is just nuts, right? What's with the underboob censorship bar? What even happened with that collar/neckline/brace? And Erich is definitely trying to make too many things happen at once. The two of you are so exhausting!

Saoirse Ronan!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no. This is the butterfly effect from Gwyneth's pink Oscar dress in 1998 plus yoga culture. Those ghost bitches won't even give her the time of day.

Stephen Karam!
The pants are far too short and that is one hella bright ass tux jacket. This man is a brilliant writer but he looks like he should be working on a boat.

Ana Villafane!
Nope. Girl, you are like 25 and you look at least twice your age in this matronly, ill-fitting bag. I would have loved this on Jessica Lange. And CUAN for sure.

Andrew Rannells!
What are these abominable shoes!? Hideous, really just hideous. Other than this I think the fit is a bit tight. Honey, we know you were in Book of Mormon but there's no need for us to see your religion.

Danielle Brooks!
Her head has never looked better and this is a fantastic color on her, but this is one awkward gown. It's ever so slightly too long and the construction on the neckline makes it look like she has to hoist her boobs around her neck to carry them. That can't be true. There's nothing we can do to help the fact that she sat down in the limo, but I do wish something could be done about that distracting halter hoist. You're too good for this, Danielle.

Andrew Lloyd Webber (on the tambourine seen here with Glenn Close)!
Surely Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber can afford a tux that fits. SURELY. I have not much to say to Glenn. It just looks like a glam bathrobe which honestly doesn't offend me as much as Sir ALW playing dress up in his dad's suit.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson (seen here with Justin Mikita)!
Ok this is a situation where not commenting on the regular people is a TRUE CHALLENGE. So I will just point out to you that Jesse Tyler Ferguson is wearing a fucking jeans shirt under his tux. JEANS. SHIRT. That is a full Patton in my book.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Tony Awards 2016 Rundown: The Meh!

Let's see what's almost good, shall we?


Saycon Sengbloh!
This one was really close for me because two thirds of this look is FANTASTIC. From the thighs up, this is killer but I dislike the bottom third of this dress immensely. It cheapens the look (undeservedly!) and it's just a little too short. I love the contrast liner and think it's a very cool thing to see, but I wish it had just been a little surprise in the train. 

Pascale Armand!
This is another very close call for me. In theory this is great, but the more I look at it the more I think shapeless silhouette curtain boobs. 

Jonathan Groff!
It fits well but I'm distracted by the figure skater feet and disappearing bowtie. Also, I mean, maybe a little brow pencil would have been welcome here. Just like a whisper of brow pencil. The whisperiest whisper.

Bebe Neuwirth!
And then Bebe came dressed as the ghost who haunts the Beacon Theatre.

Michelle Williams!
Ghost best friend. Awwww.

Sara Bareilles!
Ghost frenemy! Ghost Bebe and Ghost Michelle tell her they like her braid but they totally make fun of the braid behind her back. Ghost Sara doesn't understand why they are so hot and cold with her. Ghost Bebe and Ghost Michelle don't have the heart to tell her that if she wants to really be in their clique she's going to have to start wearing tighter and lower-cut ghost dresses. Ghost Sara will write a haunting song about it but will make it out of both their ranges so they can't sing it. SO THERE.

Megan Hilty!
I actually can't tell if this is a pretty dress or not. I feel like if it was in a different color I would hate it maybe? I don't know! That's why it's here! Also it's a skosh too small and sort of makes her look like she's using the red carpet as an audition for Best Little Whorehouse... 

Phillipa Soo!
Snoozefest. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Carole King!
This is a perfectly acceptable dress for Carole King to wear to the Tonys. It's a little Mother of the Bride but I think Carole King is allowed to play it safe at this point.And she probably would have ended up in the good if she wasn't so deadset on showing off these horrible foot cages. Put em away, Carole, you're embarrassing yourself. 

Diane Lane!
This is a magic eye dress that makes her look like a hunchback. 

Alex Brightman!
In a move that is quite opposite to many of the men we will feature from here out, it seems Mr. Brightman's jacket is a bit too large on him. Just enough to be noticeable, I think. Good hem length, though. I'd say this isn't a hard line Meh, just enough that I couldn't put him in the Good.

Jane Krakowski!
This is a great dress is a fantastic color with absolutely the wrong neckline. Jane, never let them make your torso look this blocky again.

Allison Williams!
I assume this is a tribute to Victor Victoria because there is no other reason to show up to the Tonys in the formalwear equivalent of the half-man/half-woman Halloween costume of yore.

Gloria and Emilio Estefan!
I adore them but these outfits are off. Emilio has some fit and length issues and Gloria appears to be wearing a corset cover over a dress? Can that be true? I assume it's not true and that it's just some extremely odd construction on the dress. 

Adrienne Warren!
This is an incredible look at the wrong event. Misplaced but stunning.

Renee Elise Goldsberry!
I hate it when my dress contracts herpes.

Busy Philipps!
Duvet cover realness. She even brought a book to bed with her!

Aaron Tevit!
Goodness. This is a bit snug in places. Slim fit suits aren't for everyone, Aaron.

Jessie Mueller!
So what you're telling me is that it's a romper with some tulle stapled to it? SOUNDS PERFECT.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Tony Awards 2016 Rundown: The Good!

My dear readers, I was so delighted by the HamilTony Awards this year, mostly because there was so much Hamilton (almost 3 numbers), plenty of bizarre antics, and no end to touching, heartfelt moments. AND ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER ON THE TAMBOURINE! Now, there were plenty of Hollywood stars at the Tonys but it's the Tonys so if you don't recognize someone they are likely an incredibly talented Broadway star. Google, watch, behold!


We have a LOT of men in the Good pile this time around, starting with this gorgeous man. Common is physically incapable of looking bad in a tux... or really in anything. Also, new rule: we always stand in front of a wall of roses when posing for pictures.

Danai Gurira!
Wowza! At first I thought maybe this taffeta was too heavy but I like the construction on the dress and the cutouts very much and I don't think they would have held as well with a different fabric. The star of this show (I mean, of course other than Danai) is the styling. The jewel tones for shoes and clutch work perfectly and her head is perfection. 

Ali Stroker!
Gorgeous! Absolutely perfect look and a beautiful fit.

Josh Grobin!
Ignoring this beard/hair situation, this is a great look. Love a navy tux and really appreciate the fact that he didn't go with the slim fit. Also, no one has a better sense of humor about himself than Josh Grobin, which makes me love him just a little bit. 

Chita Rivera!
Yes, the bolero is a bit dated and the whole thing is a bit matronly but girlfriend is 83 years old. AND she's Chita f'n Rivera. She looks great and she can do whatever the hell she wants. 

Laurie Metcalf!
Perhaps the best she has ever looked. Get it, Aunt Jackie!

Lupita Nyong'o!
Welcome back to the Lupita Channel, where everything she does is spectacular and perfect and we are all unworthy mortals.

Clint Ramos!
While I feel he should have kept his jacket buttoned for photos, he's a costume designer so he clearly knows what he's doing. Besides, you have to trust a man who put little bows on his dress shoes and WORKS THAT SHIT.

Claire Danes!
I would like to hug Claire Dane's new stylist and makeup artist. They are doing outstanding work and correcting years of ill will I felt toward La Danes. CUAN. Not a big one, just a little hint of sparkle.

Christopher Jackson (seen here with Veronica Jackson)!
Excellent work, sir. Simply stunning. I'd follow that tux into battle any day. 

Laura Osnes!
Simple, elegant, and perfectly executed.

Marlee Matlin!
Faaaabulous. My friends and I were speculating how much fun it must be to be the person who gets to style Marlee Matlin's hands. Hands and beyond, this is a beautiful look.

Brandon Victor Dixon!
While I don't exactly understand the no-socks trend, this is a great hem length for that look. Overall, this is simply stunning. Fantastic color, gorgeous fit, good size bowtie, super fun pocket square. 

Daniel Dae Kim!
More like Daniel BAE Kim, amIright!? 

Sophie Okonedo!
I am here for this. Fabulous silhouette, impeccable construction, unexpected colors, brilliant styling. 

Lin-Manuel Miranda (seen here with Vanessa Nadal)!
As with everything the man touches, this is great. (Also I do not like to comment on regular people's red carpet attire but I am living for this dress. LIVING.)

Zainab Jah!
Yes! She looks like a princess! And wouldya check that bling!? Love it! And because Reader Sara love Zainab so very much, here's a bonus shot, just for her (and everyone else in Philly who saw her Hamlet)...

What a piece of work is Zainab