Friday, June 24, 2016

Tony Awards 2016 Rundown: The Bad!

My dear readers, it is now time to venture into the land of awkward necklines, too-tight trousers, and- shockingly- more than one ode to stage curtains. A little on the nose, if you ask me.


Cate Blanchett!
I often find it eye-roll-inducing when Cate does her "edgy" thing but this is pushing me over the cliff. I'm seeing leather sleeves (in New York in June), a bustier, and with a tribute to rain washing over asphalt hot glued around her waist. This is the garment that gets a designer kicked off the first episode of Project Runway, not what we wear to the Tonys, Cate.

Zachary Levi!
Tony and Tina's Wedding costume.

Laura Benanti!
It looks like we're watching an infection spreading through her lymphatic system. Feel better soon!

Uzo Aduba!
First of all, (this is not a spoiler) how cute was the moment in the new seasons of OINTB when Suzanne was talking about loving Glinda? I mean, she was talking about the wrong Glinda but I thought it was a really lovely little wink to Uzo's showstopping turn in The Wiz Live earlier this year. Something not as cute is this dress. The color is a dream on her and I love the styling but this neckline is eight shades of wrong. It gives her football boobs and chicken cutlets, which is an injustice to Uzo Aduba.

James Corden (seen here with Julia Carey)!
My god that is a shiny suit.

Jessica Lange!
The Curtain Goes Up: Part 1: Pre-Show. In this tribute to stage curtains, La Lange has kindly tied the rest of the dress up at the waist so you don't miss any of the action that may happen between her knees.

Rose Byrne (seen here with Bobby Cannavale)!
The Curtain Goes Up: Part 2: The Curtain Parts. Here we see Rose Byrne giving an ode to some of the less reputable dance halls. (Psst, Bobby, rethink your hem length slightly.)

Patina Miller (seen here with Erich Bergen)!
The Curtain Goes Up: Part 3: Show Time! I am seriously waiting for someone to crawl behind her and perform a puppet show between her ankles. Quite beyond the theatrical aspect, the rest of this gown is just nuts, right? What's with the underboob censorship bar? What even happened with that collar/neckline/brace? And Erich is definitely trying to make too many things happen at once. The two of you are so exhausting!

Saoirse Ronan!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no. This is the butterfly effect from Gwyneth's pink Oscar dress in 1998 plus yoga culture. Those ghost bitches won't even give her the time of day.

Stephen Karam!
The pants are far too short and that is one hella bright ass tux jacket. This man is a brilliant writer but he looks like he should be working on a boat.

Ana Villafane!
Nope. Girl, you are like 25 and you look at least twice your age in this matronly, ill-fitting bag. I would have loved this on Jessica Lange. And CUAN for sure.

Andrew Rannells!
What are these abominable shoes!? Hideous, really just hideous. Other than this I think the fit is a bit tight. Honey, we know you were in Book of Mormon but there's no need for us to see your religion.

Danielle Brooks!
Her head has never looked better and this is a fantastic color on her, but this is one awkward gown. It's ever so slightly too long and the construction on the neckline makes it look like she has to hoist her boobs around her neck to carry them. That can't be true. There's nothing we can do to help the fact that she sat down in the limo, but I do wish something could be done about that distracting halter hoist. You're too good for this, Danielle.

Andrew Lloyd Webber (on the tambourine seen here with Glenn Close)!
Surely Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber can afford a tux that fits. SURELY. I have not much to say to Glenn. It just looks like a glam bathrobe which honestly doesn't offend me as much as Sir ALW playing dress up in his dad's suit.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson (seen here with Justin Mikita)!
Ok this is a situation where not commenting on the regular people is a TRUE CHALLENGE. So I will just point out to you that Jesse Tyler Ferguson is wearing a fucking jeans shirt under his tux. JEANS. SHIRT. That is a full Patton in my book.

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