Thursday, January 19, 2012

Golden Globes 2012: The Bad

Ah, here we are at last. This will round out the WTS coverage of the 2012 Golden Globes, and once again I thank you for reading and playing along. But enough of that sappy stuff, let's get on to the horrible crimes against fashion committed this past Sunday.


Heidi Klum!
Oh, Klum, why!? Why would you choose a dress the exact same color as your skin? Why would you then match your lipstick to your skin and dress? I admire your necklace but it's... god... it's not the right necklace for this dress or for you. Ugh.

Amanda Peet!
I don't understand. Did you zip over to the Golden Globes from your 1974 shotgun wedding? And what is that weird extra tulle at the bottom of your dress? Did you rip something on your way to the red carpet? Depressing as this dress is, I am impressed that you have a time machine.

Callie Thorne!

Personally, I like Callie Thorne better as a dark brunette, like she is on The Wire. That's part one of the problem here. Part two is the absolutely dull as dishwater color of this dress. Part three is that puckering seam down the side. Part four is the sporadic sequins which give a sort of "I was just rolling around on a beach made of crystals before coming here" effect. And part five? Do I even need to say it? Callie, girl, a bra would have been a good idea. My back hurts just looking at you.

Julie Bowen!
I give up! Julie Bowen will never get it right! Why did she come in a Betty Draper costume!? Worse than that, it's a Betty Draper in her very fanciest nightgown costume! Dear god, I am getting the vapors. Bowen, you are on probation until you get your act together.

Jessica Lange!

Jessica, darling, if you are going to rock the skin-tight black sassiness, please also rock the skin-tight lycra smoothness underneath. You owe it to yourself. (We will not speak of the disaster happening on top of her head.)

Rooney Mara!
She is straight up wearing a short hair pony tail. The ends are all pokey in the back. On top of that, am I crazy or does it look like the hem of this dress was tacked on at the last second? It looks unfinished and sloppy. I do like the bodice, but the rest of the look just makes all goodwill I have toward top of the dress disappear.

Freida Pinto!
I love her necklace and I love that she chose to wear a necklace with a strapless gown. But. This gown! UGH. Apparently, someone painted some cardboard packing material blue and sold it to this poor girl as a dress. It looks stiff, it doesn't move well, and the shape does her no favors. Wahn wah.

Mary J. Blige!

This hurts me. You know I love MJB and that, in fact, she is the patron saint of WTS, but this dress just pains me. The hair is cute, the earrings are great...but the color washes her out, the crazy tight bodice doesn't do anything for her and there is - inexplicably- a bath mat attached to her legs. How does something like that happen and who decides to wear it in a place where photographs will be taken?

Busy Philipps!

And then Busy Phillips showed up as a tribute to Xanadu...

Jessica Chastain!

...and Jessica Chastain decided that the best move was to accentuate her hips as much as humanly possible. Seriously, you guys, this whole thing is a disaster! The white-white dress accented in a way that makes it look like it's pilling! The wind tunnel hair! Guess how old she is? WRONG! She's 30. This is unpardonably mature for her age.

Lea Michele!

I -- She... But - Liza Minnelli - I -- Gah...

Emily Watson!

There are only two possible explanations for this fantasia in putty: 1) she lost a bet, 2) someone forced her to wear that at knifepoint. Also, I hope she didn't pay someone to do that to her hair. Eesh, lady. Eesh.

Meryl Streep!
Shit, did you guys know Stetson had a line a formal wear?! I mean there is taking a risk, and then there's...this.

Elle MacPherson!

I will happily concede that she is gorgeous and ageless and that I deeply covet her hair, but that dress looks like an explosion at the Barbie factory. Also, there is a giant butt bow on it. Because that's what the dress really needed.


Are we absolutely sure Madge hasn't made at least one horcrux? All the signs are there - she's wearing Slytherin colors, the bodice is squeezing her chest tighter than Nagini ever could, her arms appear to be the only thing on her that is aging naturally, and only a true Death Eater would show up to the Golden Globes in a big ole gown and ONE LEATHER GLOVELET. The Dark Lord rises again.

Jessica Biel!

Let's say you just got engaged to, oh I don't know, Justin Timberlake. What would you wear to the first big public event since the announcement of your engagement? If you answered "something from the 1983 country hoe-down bridal collection at Sears," then congratulations! You are Jessica Biel.

Tina Fey!

Tina, this hurts. It hurts a lot, but I'm just going to have to say it. It looks like the Rose Parade threw up on you. I wish I could paste your head onto Diane Lane's dress.

Michelle Williams!

We can agree that this is hilariously bad, right? The headband! There has got to be a better way to do a formal short hairdo. And crushed navy blue velvet? I mean, yeah, in 1996, but... girl please get it together.

Melissa McCarthy!

Oh girl, oh no. Bad color, major frumpitude, and there is no reason your head should be doing an impression of Adele. Whoever helped your pick this does not have your best interests at heart. You are lovely; find a new stylist.

Julianne Moore!

Why is her dress wearing a tutu!? This is so ugly I can't even think of anything to really say other than...yeah, no, I got nothing. I can't even tell if this is better than the Attack of the One Fuchsia Sleeve from last year.

Charlize Theron!

The headband! The excessive sternum! The baby pink! The train! The slit! The gigantic hip bow! The Great Gatsby hair! It's like a nightmare from which I cannot wake and it just keeps getting worse.

Sarah Michelle Geller!

Tragic tie-dye accident or sartorial homage to 2000 Flushes? Either way it needs a necklace. Oh, and it's awful.

Piper Perabo!
SERIOUSLY!? You showed up to the Golden Globes in a dirty, see-through parachute!? And you're proud of yourself?  God, there is only one way this could be worse....

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there it is.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Golden Globes 2012: The Meh!

To quote one of my favorite movies, we're back! And ready for Round 2! Let's move on to some less successful looks from the Golden Globes.

The Meh!

Emily Blunt!
"Now wait. I know what you're thinking: I seem to have forgotten to do my hair. You are correct." Ugh, Blunt! Such a pretty dress in absolutely the wrong color.

Amy Pohler!
Amy! We are not 65 years old! There is no need for this frumpery! Try a color!

Reese Witherspoon!
I realize I may be alone in this opinion, but I find this dress to be unflattering. I think the detail around the hips makes her look bigger than she is. The color is great and the hair is fantastic, but the dress itself just seems a skosh small.

Madeleine Stowe!

What a lovely color! What an ill-fitting, bizarre dress! Is that...taffeta? It just seems too much and not enough all at the same time.

Penelope Ann Miller!
If it weren't for the fact that this woman is one sneeze away from Nipple City, USA, I would love this. Pretty dress, decent hair, and an absolutely gorgeous necklace.

Morena Baccarin!
Let's talk about what works, shall we? Her hair and makeup look awesome. I love her clutch. What doesn't work? The dress! Why is it designed to make her hips look wide? Why is she wearing the sartorial equivalent of a mammogram? WHY?!

Shailene Woodley!
I'm gonna be real with you for a moment: I don't ever make it to the movies, and the only tv shows I currently watch are Portlandia, The Wire, and old episodes of Friends. I honestly have no clue who this person is. That said, I would have preferred it if she paired this dress with a very pretty necklace (emeralds the size of her head would do well), a more dramatic up-do, and maybe a bolder lipstick.

Dianna Agron!
When Bad Skirts Happen to Good Bodices. Dianna, I'm with you from head to waist, and then it gets all sorts of bad. I looooooooove the bodice on this dress. It is so super cool. And her hair and makeup are perfect! And then, oh and then, the bottom happens all good tidings fly right out the window.

Jodie Foster!
The color is magnificent. That is all we shall say about this...look.

Maya Rudolph!
Nooooooo. It fits great but the fabric makes her look much bigger than she is. I would also seriously reconsider that shade of lipstick if I was Ms. Maya.

Mila Kunis!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh! I'm sorry, Mila! I think zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Debra Messing!
How many times do I have to see Debra Messing in these sad, boring, borderline-saloon-girl dresses? I am tired of it, Debs. Black is not your color, and your eye makeup is hurting my soul. Try something green or purple, please. NOT GOLD. DO NOT GO BACK TO GOLD.

Ariel Winter!
I have this daydream that someday designers will stop making dresses out of Mr. Snuffleupagus. Until that dream is reality, we will have to deal with this dress over and over. I hate the tea-length, even if she is a teenager and can therefore get away with such things. The shape is weird on her. The color, on the other hand, is perfection and her hair looks great. But, Ariel, girl - find some shoes that fit!

Julianna Margulies!
I don't like it and you can't make me change my mind. I just don't. Love the earrings, though.

Kristen Wiig!

The only thing keeping her out of The Bad column is that the dress is kind of great and fits her very well. And she's wearing a big ole necklace (yes!) and her hair looks kind of amazing. But. The color of this dress is just the worst thing in the world. I am so done with all of these beige and peachy dresses on the red carpet. SO DONE.

Helen Mirren!

Waist-up: classic, gorgeous Helen Mirren red carpet look in a fantastic color. Waist-down: Follow That Bird.

Kate Beckinsale!
Gorgeous woman in a gorgeous dress with amazing accessories.... why am I so bored? Also, side note, does Kate Beckinsale do anything other than Underworld movies anymore? Is it too much to ask for another Serendipity? Actually, scratch that. Serendipity was a terrible movie. As you were, Beckinsale.

Elizabeth McGovern!
My first and most lasting impression of Elizabeth McGovern is from Faerie Tale Theatre's version of Snow White. How nice of her to choose her Golden Globes outfit to remind me of that! Nice necklace, though.

Mireille Enos!

I actually quite like this, though I wish the top weren't quite so huge and breezy. Huezy. That's our new word, dear readers. Huezy. Use it three times today and it's yours.

Matt LeBlanc!

Natalie Portman!
While I am pleased that she did not show up in the pregnancy bag she wore last year, the color scheme is sort of reminiscent of that gown. I suppose now we know the truth about Natalie: her colors are Blush and Bashful. (I'll just let you finish that quote in your head. I know you're doing it anyway.)

Kelly MacDonald!

We regret to inform you that Amy Pohler's dress has had a tragic algae accident and has now attached itself to Kelly MacDonald. Ms. MacDonald was not prepared for the attack, as you can tell by her lack of hair style and under-applied makeup. More on this story as it develops.

Tomorrow! The one you've all been waiting for... THE BAD.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

2012 Golden Globes: The GOOD

My dear readers, it looks as though I will need to split the Golden Globes rundown into three separate posts this year! There are so many looks for us to discuss, we needn't rush through all of them at once. So we'll start with The Good today, move to The Meh tomorrow and finish out with The Bad.

But before we get to the absolute fierceness of the red carpet, can we just take a moment to say ...

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!? Thomas Jane, for shame! The suit! The godawful tie! The HAT! Christ on a bike, someone get him out of there. Ahem. Now that we've covered that....


Tilda Swinton!
Boom! We're starting big and controversial with none other than our beloved SWINTON. The color is perfection, the garment straddles the line between gown and menswear, and I am of the opinion that her hair is magnificent. I love you SWINTON.

Sarah Hyland!
I was desperately bored by all of the beige and peach on the red carpet this time around, and Sarah's dress is no exception. But. The construction is lovely, I love the lace and the black accent, and I thought her hair was perfection. You're so cute, kiddo!

Jessica Alba!
Against all odds, I like this dress. Sure, it's fussy. And yes, it needs a necklace. Even with that, I think the color is a dream on her and it's very regal. I just said Jessica Alba looks regal. The Mayans may be right...

Amber Riley!
Beautiful color, amazing cut, cute hair, yes yes and yes.

Emma Stone!
True facts: I am biased in favor of Emma Stone because she is my girl. I love her, I think she's the best, and even when she wears bad dresses it takes me longer to admit that she looks gross (ahem, last year's Golden Globes.) THANK GOD none of that matters this year because Ms. Thing looks amazing! Yes, a delicate necklace would have been welcome here, but I love everything else that's going on, even the risky belt. Great job, sweetheart!

Zooey Deschanel!
I changed my mind about this since Sunday. I didn't like it very much on Sunday and I definitely thought her hair looked like a wig. I still think her hair looks like a wig and that her entire head is going to a 60s go-go costume party, but I kind of dig the whole thing together. Sure, it's a little bit Lite-Brite, but in a very fashionable way.

Sophia Vergera!
Serious question: how could girlfriend walk in this? CURVES AHOY is her go-to style, but I'm actually fine with that as long as she continues to choose interesting colors in interesting fabrics and looks absolutely outstanding in them, as seen here. Another question: with her hair down like that, do we think she needs a necklace? I am unsure.

Paula Patton!
I can feel you rolling your eyes, but I'm gonna be straight up with you: I dig the yellow. I think she looks superb. That said, I am SO TIRED of this gown shape. Please stop it, Hollywood starlets! It's BORING. Also, Paula, you need a brighter lip color.

Stacy Keibler!
We can all agree that George Clooney did an excellent job picking out this dress for her, right? She looks stunning. Sigh. I wish I was George Clooney's beard and got to play dress up with him. Of course, if it was me, I would have gone for a slightly sleeker hairdo, but you know, potayto-potahto.

Viola Davis!
While the pose is doing her no favors, the dress is gorgeous, the color is divine, and her hair is great. But one quick reason I want her to put that leg back where it belongs: WORST SHOES EVER.

Salma Hayek!
Okay, this dress sort of stumpifies her, but still...Stunning.

Evan Rachel Wood!
This girl knows how to wear a dress. I wouldn't normally be into a dress that looked like a mermaid and 16 mallards were skinned to make the fabric, but it just looks so good and so dramatic on ERW. I don't love her current hair color, but the way she styled it was impressive, considering how short it is. It's so hard to do a formal short hair look. (You'll see what I mean when we get to Jen Lindley.)

Kate Winslet!
Gorgeous, appropriate, sexy, fierce.

Jane Lynch!
Officially off WTS probation! Welcome back, Jane. So glad you got it right this time! You look absolutely lovely.

Glenn Close!
While I'm not sure about the fit of the jacket, I have to say that Glenn Close looked better on the red carpet than she has in years. I like the construction of the bodice and the fit of the dress. Grading on a curve, this is a very successful look.

Diane Lane!
Hello, I'm Diane Lane. My specialties are effortless glamour and looking about 20 times better than women who are 20 years younger than me. Suck it, Lea Michele.

Octavia Spencer!
Gorgeous color, flattering cut, fabulous bling, nice hair. Well done, Octavia, well done. Also, one of the better speeches of the night. Can't wait to see what you wear to the Oscars.

Nicole Kidman!
I'll be honest. When I first saw this dress, I felt it was a bit too robotic, a bit too I HAVE BOOBS. But I've been looking at it a bunch since then and while I still do not think that oyster is the best color for Ms. Kidman, I think this dress is dramatic in a really great way and fits her like a dream. She's definitely doing a great job of not letting the dress wear her, on top of that. So I say good job, Frozen Face.

Idris Elba!
I don't have any comments, mostly because it's difficult for me to form words when I look at Idris Elba. Guuuuuuuuh.

Claire Danes!

Gorgeous. Beautiful. Interesting. I instantly loved this look. Angela Chase, you're all grown up!

Laura Dern!
One of my absolute favorite looks of the night. I love this color on her, the beading is exquisite, the belt is a great accent, and her hair looks fabulous. With all of the beading and sequins going on, I actually think she was right to skip the necklace.

Angelina Jolie!
I have never written this sentence before, but I thought Angelina was the best dressed of the night. That dress is gorgeous, looks great on her, the hair is perfect for the look, and can we all agree that the red flap is so totally cool?! Looking at her on the red carpet, you could tell she was just going to turn heads all night long. (Cue Lionel Richie.)

I'll have the MEH for you soon! Stay tuned!