Thursday, January 19, 2012

Golden Globes 2012: The Bad

Ah, here we are at last. This will round out the WTS coverage of the 2012 Golden Globes, and once again I thank you for reading and playing along. But enough of that sappy stuff, let's get on to the horrible crimes against fashion committed this past Sunday.


Heidi Klum!
Oh, Klum, why!? Why would you choose a dress the exact same color as your skin? Why would you then match your lipstick to your skin and dress? I admire your necklace but it's... god... it's not the right necklace for this dress or for you. Ugh.

Amanda Peet!
I don't understand. Did you zip over to the Golden Globes from your 1974 shotgun wedding? And what is that weird extra tulle at the bottom of your dress? Did you rip something on your way to the red carpet? Depressing as this dress is, I am impressed that you have a time machine.

Callie Thorne!

Personally, I like Callie Thorne better as a dark brunette, like she is on The Wire. That's part one of the problem here. Part two is the absolutely dull as dishwater color of this dress. Part three is that puckering seam down the side. Part four is the sporadic sequins which give a sort of "I was just rolling around on a beach made of crystals before coming here" effect. And part five? Do I even need to say it? Callie, girl, a bra would have been a good idea. My back hurts just looking at you.

Julie Bowen!
I give up! Julie Bowen will never get it right! Why did she come in a Betty Draper costume!? Worse than that, it's a Betty Draper in her very fanciest nightgown costume! Dear god, I am getting the vapors. Bowen, you are on probation until you get your act together.

Jessica Lange!

Jessica, darling, if you are going to rock the skin-tight black sassiness, please also rock the skin-tight lycra smoothness underneath. You owe it to yourself. (We will not speak of the disaster happening on top of her head.)

Rooney Mara!
She is straight up wearing a short hair pony tail. The ends are all pokey in the back. On top of that, am I crazy or does it look like the hem of this dress was tacked on at the last second? It looks unfinished and sloppy. I do like the bodice, but the rest of the look just makes all goodwill I have toward top of the dress disappear.

Freida Pinto!
I love her necklace and I love that she chose to wear a necklace with a strapless gown. But. This gown! UGH. Apparently, someone painted some cardboard packing material blue and sold it to this poor girl as a dress. It looks stiff, it doesn't move well, and the shape does her no favors. Wahn wah.

Mary J. Blige!

This hurts me. You know I love MJB and that, in fact, she is the patron saint of WTS, but this dress just pains me. The hair is cute, the earrings are great...but the color washes her out, the crazy tight bodice doesn't do anything for her and there is - inexplicably- a bath mat attached to her legs. How does something like that happen and who decides to wear it in a place where photographs will be taken?

Busy Philipps!

And then Busy Phillips showed up as a tribute to Xanadu...

Jessica Chastain!

...and Jessica Chastain decided that the best move was to accentuate her hips as much as humanly possible. Seriously, you guys, this whole thing is a disaster! The white-white dress accented in a way that makes it look like it's pilling! The wind tunnel hair! Guess how old she is? WRONG! She's 30. This is unpardonably mature for her age.

Lea Michele!

I -- She... But - Liza Minnelli - I -- Gah...

Emily Watson!

There are only two possible explanations for this fantasia in putty: 1) she lost a bet, 2) someone forced her to wear that at knifepoint. Also, I hope she didn't pay someone to do that to her hair. Eesh, lady. Eesh.

Meryl Streep!
Shit, did you guys know Stetson had a line a formal wear?! I mean there is taking a risk, and then there's...this.

Elle MacPherson!

I will happily concede that she is gorgeous and ageless and that I deeply covet her hair, but that dress looks like an explosion at the Barbie factory. Also, there is a giant butt bow on it. Because that's what the dress really needed.


Are we absolutely sure Madge hasn't made at least one horcrux? All the signs are there - she's wearing Slytherin colors, the bodice is squeezing her chest tighter than Nagini ever could, her arms appear to be the only thing on her that is aging naturally, and only a true Death Eater would show up to the Golden Globes in a big ole gown and ONE LEATHER GLOVELET. The Dark Lord rises again.

Jessica Biel!

Let's say you just got engaged to, oh I don't know, Justin Timberlake. What would you wear to the first big public event since the announcement of your engagement? If you answered "something from the 1983 country hoe-down bridal collection at Sears," then congratulations! You are Jessica Biel.

Tina Fey!

Tina, this hurts. It hurts a lot, but I'm just going to have to say it. It looks like the Rose Parade threw up on you. I wish I could paste your head onto Diane Lane's dress.

Michelle Williams!

We can agree that this is hilariously bad, right? The headband! There has got to be a better way to do a formal short hairdo. And crushed navy blue velvet? I mean, yeah, in 1996, but... girl please get it together.

Melissa McCarthy!

Oh girl, oh no. Bad color, major frumpitude, and there is no reason your head should be doing an impression of Adele. Whoever helped your pick this does not have your best interests at heart. You are lovely; find a new stylist.

Julianne Moore!

Why is her dress wearing a tutu!? This is so ugly I can't even think of anything to really say other than...yeah, no, I got nothing. I can't even tell if this is better than the Attack of the One Fuchsia Sleeve from last year.

Charlize Theron!

The headband! The excessive sternum! The baby pink! The train! The slit! The gigantic hip bow! The Great Gatsby hair! It's like a nightmare from which I cannot wake and it just keeps getting worse.

Sarah Michelle Geller!

Tragic tie-dye accident or sartorial homage to 2000 Flushes? Either way it needs a necklace. Oh, and it's awful.

Piper Perabo!
SERIOUSLY!? You showed up to the Golden Globes in a dirty, see-through parachute!? And you're proud of yourself?  God, there is only one way this could be worse....

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there it is.


  1. You have to give Julie Bowen credit for great hair. The dress may be a disaster, but the channeling of Grace Kelly is fabulous.


    Also, yes, yes this: "I -- She... But - Liza Minnelli - I -- Gah... "

  3. What's wrong with accentuating hips? I think the problem with that dress is the fit, but the shape of the dress, and accentuating hips, are not inherently bad.

  4. many people who i only saw from the waist up (or the neck up) and thought they looked fine...and then i saw the bottoms of the dresses...

  5. Meryl Streep was wearing a banana clip in her hair. Banana clip. I actually thought it was awesome. If I were her I'd totally be like "Eff this. I'll just stick my hair in a clip and spend that hour eating cookie dough and watching Hoarders."

  6. I love you. The only one I have to stick up for is Rooney's hair. I mean, what do you do when you have to rock Salander's hair for 2 more movies??