Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Attention Dudes: Cut Your Hair

My dear readers, I know I still owe you the Grammys fashion rundown, but I got really burned out by back-to-back Major Red Carpets and I'm just now recovering. I was ALSO going to do a fashion rundown of the State of the Union for laughs, but I couldn't think of anything funny to say. Also, all you need to know is this:

...because Biden.

And I truly intended to start the Grammys this week, but then the Olympics started and I got all worked up about human interest stories and impossible feats of athleticism and Shaun White. You guys, every four years I get worked up about Shaun White. He's like sexy leap year. I love gingers to begin with and he's adorable and goofy and charming and really amazing at his sport.

The other day, following an epic brunch, I was watching some Olympics coverage with my girls and Shaun White was mentioned. Obvs, I sighed at the thought of the Flying Tomato. In my mind's eye, I remembered this:

Adorable Shaun White with his flowing locks of ginger perfection. But, looking at the television I was treated to this:


Here's the deal: I love long hair. Long hair is great. But this. This haircut. On this man. Holy moly. I've been thinking about this a lot (alone, in my room, at night) (just kidding) (no I'm not) and thus I say to you, men: CUT YOUR HAIR. I guess this really applies to white dudes, since those are the dudes I thought immediately of, so I'll amend. White dudes: CUT YOUR HAIR. Here are a few more examples for motivation.

Colin Farrell With Long Hair:
Kind of gross. Might be the guy from Creed.

Colin Farrell With Short Hair:
See? Now I don't care if you give me chlamydia.

Chris Hemsworth With Long Hair!
Abercrombie Ken Doll.

Chris Hemsworth With Short Hair!
All of a sudden I'm pregnant.

And importantly, before Shaun White came along, the gold standard in reasons to cut your hair...

Chris Cornell With Long Hair!
Yes, please, I'll take one of everything.

Chris Cornell With Short Hair!

I'm not saying a short haircut is the right answer for every dude. There are some people like Jared Leto who really need to keep their locks long and luxurious because otherwise they sort of look like a goober. But gentlemen, just please take a moment to consider the beauty and splendor that can be yours with just a haircut.