Sexy ____ Halloween Costume Round-up 2015!

Every year (for many years now) I've been scouring Yandy.com for the newest and most hilarious Sexy ____ Halloween costumes as my way of dealing with the absolute horror that is the patriarchal pressure on women to wear "sexy" costumes. While I am personally against Sexy ___ costumes, I am also intensely delighted by the truly ridiculous ones. This sort of started years ago when I saw an ad for a Sexy Bee costume. I couldn't imagine anything funnier. Soon thereafter, IN REAL LIFE, I saw a Sexy Sherlock Holmes at a party: deerstalker hat, magnifying glass, and a houndstooth skirt no longer than a butt cheek. I imagined the party goer thinking, "I love Sherlock Holmes, but I also love my bare thighs. WHAT TO DO!?" Anyway, here we are these many years later and I have all new Sexy ___ costumes for you! Buckle up, there are like 50. Also, as usual, please use care when viewing this post at work.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I FOUND A SEXY DUDE COSTUME!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Sexy Pilot!

I mean... OK. This is as "sexy" as it gets for dude costumes. I love the cuffs detail.

SEXY CREATURES

Sexy Seahorse!

We have to start here because this was my favorite thing I found. It's whimsical and iridescent! 

Sexy Monkey!

Last year we had a sock monkey, so you can imagine my delight to find a monkey-monkey this year.  Just think of all the fun you can have with bananas while wearing this costume!

Sexy Penguin!

The soulful pose is really selling this look.

Sexy Unicorn Option 1!

I especially enjoy the rainbow belly patch on this. Very nice.

Sexy Unicorn Option 2!

This is clearly a well-cared-for unicorn. Look at the plumage! We had a little window into a rainbow belly on the first option but this one is a rainbowsplosion!

Sexy Goldfish Traditional Sexy Option!

I mean, there's being a Sexy Goldfish...

Sexy Goldfish Hilarious Sexy Option!

...and then there's BEING A SEXY GOLDFISH. As much as I love the fin ruffles on the first one, the butt fin on this is truly art.

Sexy Mermaid Little Skin Option!

Fairly standard, no harder to walk in than your average Sofia Vergara red carpet gown.

Sexy Mermaid More Skin Option!

Skimpier, a little easier to walk in perhaps, hilarious fin detail at the bottom.

Sexy Mermaid Most Skin Option!

Aaaaaaaaaand underwear.

SEXY MOVIES! MOSTLY STAR WARS

Sexy Nemo!

A+ butt fin.

Sexy Harry Dunne!

You know, it takes a lot for me to be surprised by a Sexy ___ costume anymore, but I did not expect to see Harry and Lloyd get Sexy-fied. Oh and obviously there is Lloyd...

Sexy Lloyd Christmas!

Just the thought of velour hot pants riding up my crotch all night gives me a yeast infection.

Sexy Leia!

When you want to be Sexy Leia but don't feel like wearing a gold bikini.

Sexy Darth Vader!

This is a bathing suit with a hooded cape. In a related story, I now desperately need to own a Darth Vader one piece swimsuit.

Sexy Chewbacca!

They said it couldn't be done but I said 

SEXY CLASSICS

Sexy Cat!

Seriously? With the riding crop? I won't make the joke that comes to mind.

Sexy Witch!

The thing I like best about this costume is that it simply hints at a skirt with a couple of random squares of tulle.

Sexy Carhop!

This is actually fairly adorable. Add rollerskates if you have that skill.

Sexy Voodoo Doll!

This is almost like an actual costume! I'm impressed!

Sexy Ninja!

After being impressed, we have a return to form. While this costume actually covers a fair amount of skin, there is definitely a dragon flap right over her choocha. Now that's class.

Sexy Jester!

I hate this costume with an uncommon fire. Mostly it's because this is just a crappy costume. If I hadn't told you what it was, would you have guessed it? I thought it was a space ranger thing until I saw the jingle balls down around her knees. It's terrible and I hate it so so much.

SEXY SPORTS

Sexy Paratrooper!

Okay, I know the military is not technically a sport but it is definitely active so that's why I put the paratrooper in sports. LOOK AT THIS COSTUME! If you start at the top and scroll very slowly down it's like "Probably a jumpsuit... nope, maybe just a bare midriff... nope, just some panties and a floating cargo pocket." This is truly a gift from the Yandy gods.

Sexy Luchador!

Is there any other kind?

Sexy Olympian!

Actually not a lot more sexualized than the actual athletes. 

SEXY CHILDHOOD RUINERS

Sexy Big Bad Wolf or Maybe Werewolf Option 1!

This is sort of a mashup of Little Red and a werewolf, right? I'm confused about the bow on the ear.

Sexy Big Bad Wolf or Maybe Werewolf Option 2!

Much bigger bow on the ear this time. This is more of a "little pigs little pigs let me come in" kind of wolf, in my opinion. Love the platform stiletto work boot detail.

Sexy Cher from Clueless!

AS IF!

Sexy Yoshi!

This is delightful because it actually looks like she's being eaten by Yoshi. 

Sexy Cheshire Cat!

This is one of the most WTF costumes I found, you guys. It's 95% coverage - not even a plunging neckline! - except for the always-toned, never problematic upper thigh and hip area. On one leg. Speaking for women everywhere, screw you.

Sexy SpongeBob!

My eyes are up h-- oh nevermind.                                                                                           

Sexy Patrick Starfish!

Perfect placement of the flowers on the bottom, yes? Also, wearing this outfit gives you the opportunity to answer any yes/no question with NO THIS IS PATRICK.

Sexy Charlie Brown!

*Shudder* Fun fact: I'm wearing the same bottoms right now, but that's because they are my emergency underwear that I never put on unless I am really behind on laundry (which I am).

SEXY COMIC BOOKS

Sexy Black Widow!

Incorrect, that is regular Black Widow.

Sexy Wonder Woman Option 1!

Again, this is a standard Wonder Woman costume. Come on, Yandy, I know you can try harder than that.

Sexy Wonder Woman Option 2!

Now that's more like it! 

Sexy Poison Ivy!

This is fairly covered up for Poison Ivy, which says a lot about female characters in comics.

Sexy Captain America!

You could assemble almost all of the Sexy Avengers, actually, except for Sexy Hulk. There doesn't seem to be a pre-fab option for Sexy Hulk. I guess they're just bigoted against Hulks.

Sexy Joker!

Why so serious....ly sexy!? JK, this is terrible.

Sexy Batman!

What would really knock my socks off is pairing Sexy Batman not with Sexy Joker, but with SEXY ALFRED. Someone please do this one time and send me a photo.

SEXY POP CULTURE

Sexy Donald Trump!

I've seen this a bunch of times, now, and all I can see when I look at it is Leslie Knope dressing up as Sexy Donald Trump. Am I wrong?

Sexy What Color Is The Dress?

I don't understand why anyone would want to wear that hideous dress anyway, let alone dress in a joke that was never anything but annoying and that most people forgot about 6 months ago. Then again, life is a rich tapestry.*

*I have adopted this phrase from The Toast. It is a perfect sentiment.

Sexy Cecil the Lion!

Speaking of things most people forgot about months ago, this is horribly tasteless.

Sexy Pizza Rat!

Rounding out our list of flash in the pop culture pan costumes, we have my patronus, the pizza rat. The pizza slices pointing to the vagina are what make it art.

Sexy Burning Man I Guess or Maybe Sexy Hippie!

Besides the fact that this is an actual outfit people would wear to Burning Man, how freaking annoying do you think that fringe would be brushing against your naked legs all night?

Sexy Weed Nurse!

Are there weed nurses? Why would they wear the same sort of cuffs as Sexy Pilots? I assume the "Head" in "Head Nurse" is a reference to a "head shop" but maybe it's also a sex thing? Blowjob marijuana pilot nurse? Of the costumes I don't understand, I understand this the least.

Sexy Emoji!

WHAT, NO PRAISE HANDS!?

and finally, my dear readers, I give you the most WTF of all:

Sexy Miley Cyrus's Mouth and Tongue!

I'll bet you never thought you'd see the day when you could be a Sexy Body Part! The future is now!

As always, many thanks to Yandy for all of this goodness. Stay safe out there, friends!

Miss Universe brought back the National Costume Category!

My dear readers, you may or may not be aware that a) the Miss Universe pageant still happens and/or b) they stopped doing the National Costume part of the competition recently. Well it still happens and the National Costumes are BACK! If you've never seen this, you are in for a TREAT. It's basically the Sexy ____ of national pride. Let's see what kind of A games the contestants brought this year!

Miss South Africa!

It goes without saying that all of these women are stunning and poised in front of the cameras and audience. On the scale of National Costumes, this is classy and refined. Don't believe me?

Miss Venezuela!

Venezuela: land of fancy showgirl treees.

Miss Japan!

Did I mention that props are permitted and encouraged? Like, you know, SPEARS?

Miss Australia!

Awkward does not begin to describe the blonde white girl wearing a costume called "Aboriginal Dreamtime sunset."

Miss Ireland!

Sexy Iron Throne.

Miss Korea!

You guys, my mom definitely had a t-shirt from EPCOT Center with this same print.

Miss Chile!

This is the equivalent of the one girl at the Halloween party who has an awesome costume but feels depressed because she's not dressed "sexy." Even though she's definitely wearing spurs, which is incredible.

Miss Kosovo!

Well, it's a version of the Kosovo traditional dress.

St. Lucia

Ditto St. Lucia.

Miss Switzerland!

Oh come on, Switzerland! Did you even TRY?!

Miss USA!

That's more like it! Stars and stripes forever! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Miss Ecuador!

PROPS. Also, looking at this ensemble has made me begin to ponder an important question: how hard is it to decide what kind of shoes to wear with these national costumes? The nude platform pumps seem a little weird here but what else would one choose?

Miss France!

You guys - how tall is she? Also, I absolutely love the fact that she's wearing a beret. Because France.
Edited to add: Thank you to Reader Katya for pointing out what I missed: The Eiffel Tower is leading straight up to her la hooha. Fantastique. 

Miss India!

This is gorgeous and amazing. I have nothing mean to say at all. I am in awe of this costume. If it wasn't for Canada, you would be the winner, Miss India.

YOU GUYS WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE MISS CANADA.

Miss Jamaica!

It's like legs legs legs legs legs FEATHERS teenytinyhead.

Miss Lithuania!

If Cinderella dressed as Rihanna for Halloween.

Miss Dominican Republic!

I guess you can't really show off your rack while dressed as (and wearing a photo of) your country's patron saint.

Miss Spain!

Showing off the rack while dressed as medieval royalty is totally appropriate, though.

Miss Russia!

WOW. You guys, I'm wearing this to my wedding.

Miss Portugal!

Or this. I can't decide. (PS - check it out - PERFECT shoes.)

Miss Sri Lanka!

I was really afraid we'd go through this whole competition without a vagina waterfall. PHEW.

Miss Great Britain!

That is straight up a Sexy Beefeater costume. If you are going to be so OBVIOUS about it, please be more like Canada.

Are you ready?

You are not ready.





It's so good. Here she is..........








Miss Canada! The Best Costume Ever!

GAME OVER. EVERYONE GO HOME. THIS IS INCREDIBLE. C-A-N! C-A-N!