Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Oscar rundown 2012: PART 2

My dear readers, I have heard a LOT of negative comments about Emma Stone and her dress. I stand by my review, but I also understand that perhaps the giant neckbow looks like some sort of red carpet representation of Nearly Headless Nick's ruff. Point taken, readers. Moving on, it's time for the Meh - the utter definition of "it's not terrible but it's not great either."


Jennifer Lopez!

On one hand, I dig this. It's very JLo - low-cut, skin-tight, vavoom-y. On the other hand, WHAT IS HAPPENING ON YOUR SLEEVES?! I think this could have landed squarely in my Good pile if the sleeves had been eliminated. Also, JLo girl, no one wants to see areola during an awards telecast. In the future, double check your double stick tape before getting onstage.

Michelle Williams!

The thing is, I want to love this. I almost do... but it's just so overworked. I love the color, I love the peplum, I love the makeup, hair, NECKLACE.... it's just that the skirt is too much. Sigh.

Viola Davis!

Another one I tried to make myself love. The color is perfect and it fits her like a dream. I just...don't really like the dress. Why does she have a curtain attached around her knees? I don't understand. I do love, however, that she wore her natural hair to the awards. Shoulders-up, she's perfect.

Wendi McLendon-Covey!

I seriously think I tried on this dress while prom shopping lo these 14 years ago and put it back on the rack because it was "pretty but too fussy." She looks like a My Little Pony accessory.

Bérénice Bejo!

I like the idea of this gown but there is just so much that goes wrong. I gather it's supposed to look dreamy and ethereal; instead, it washes her out and makes her bust look weirdly short and her waist weirdly long. Maybe if it was a slightly darker shade of seafoam I wouldn't have quite the same Meh-ness from this. Also, um, Berenice - you, uh, forgot to do your hair.

Rose Byrne!

The draping on the bottom half of the dress makes her look like she's wearing the world's fanciest hammerpants. NOW YOU CAN'T UN-SEE IT!

Jane Seymour!

She looks fantastic and the dress fits her like a dream but it's making me sleepy. Jane, I would love to see you in something that's not red. Just once. Please.

Cameron Diaz!

Thanks to the Experty Experts, I now know that "Cameron Diaz" rhymes with "Quesadillas." I vote that we refer to her only as that from here out. This dress looks to me like it's weeping, or perhaps melting. It's not terrible, but it's not great either. I like the necklace. Ultimately, I find myself distracted by La Portman's far superior dress in the background. Oh! Also! Did you guys see the hilarious moment during the show where Quesadillas tried to go booty-for-booty with JLo? Genuine comedy.

Penelope Ann Miller!

Red carpet figure skater costume.

Janet McTeer!

True story! I went to see Ms. McTeer in a play once, but I had the most amazing meal beforehand at Butter and ate too much rich food and had too much wine and I totally fell asleep during the play. It was very British and slow but visually interesting...but in the end, my food coma won. Similarly, this dress is very proper and beautiful but sort of boring. Also, I am eating right now.

Rooney Mara!

Hair and makeup look striking and appropriate. Which is odd, considering she's wearing the world's fanciest nursing bra/nightgown.

Busy Philipps!

I know I've said it before, but I am totally behind Michelle Williams and Busy Philipps going to all of these awards shows together. Seriously, you need a partner in crime when you go to an awards show! Otherwise who will you whisper catty remarks to all night? As for this outfit, I loooooove her earrings, the dress is fine, the hair is lacking, and DEAR GOD THOSE SHOES ARE AWFUL. Busy, girl, there's a pop of color and then there's Barbie hooker shoes.

Virginia Madsen!

Great color and general shape but....Eek. The hair is a straight up mess and the dress does not fit! Look how it pools at the bottom! Look how it's oddly sticking out in bunches on the left! I'm happy she didn't show up looking like the widowed saloon girl this time, but Jesus, Ginny. Get. It. Together.

Meryl Streep!

Hair: great.
Neckline: great.
Makeup: great.
Sleeves: are both on the dress, a step up from some past looks.
Color: decent.
General fit of dress: Wha' happen!?

Nick Nolte!

The bowtie is a titch small, but overall the tux isn't bad. I just wonder how Mrs. Claus feels about Santa's love child with Kenny Rogers coming to light in such a public way.

Tomorrow! Your favorite part! Get ready because holy crap did you see Colin Firth's wife!?!?! Srsly.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Oscar rundown 2012: PART 1

My dear readers, it is our favorite time of year: OSCAR FASHION TIME! We have a lot to cover, so let's dive right in, shall we?


Stacy Keibler!

Normally, I would not be so ecstatic about a gigantic gold rose/open sore on the hip of a dress, but she just looked perfect. The dress fits her like a dream, her hair is beautiful and soft, and the color looks amazing on her. I think Ms. Keibler is not going to be hitting these red carpets for long (ole George tends to ditch his beards in the summer), but she has come a long way.

Gwyneth Paltrow!

I'm going to be straight up with you here: I love this. I love the dress, I love the cape, I love the cuff. I think she looks polished and put together. The length is perfect and it's a dazzling ensemble. (PS, I love capes. There was no way I was going to ding this.)


She looked a million times better than half of the people she interviewed. That is what we, in the business, call BOOYAH.

Emma Stone!

Is it basically the same dress Nicole Kidman wore in 2007? YES. Is the bow bigger than her head? YES. Does it look awesome on her anyway? YES. Is she straight up adorable? YES. Did I get in a fight with my mom and my sister during the telecast because they said they don't like Emma Stone? YES. Have my mom and sister seen Easy A? NO. OBVIOUSLY.

Leslie Mann!

This is the best Ms. Mann has EVER looked. I love this, though I think she would benefit from a necklace. The color is absolutely perfect.

Tina Fey!

SHE DID IT! Perfect makeup, a great dress, pretty hair! Well done, Tina. I am soooo proud of you! I saw a bunch of peplums on the red carpet this year, but I think she did it best.

Louise Roe!

I don't really know who she is, but I gleaned from the ABC red carpet that she is a British person who interviews celebrities. This dress is so cool and completely unique. It's sort of chic and business and pretty and feminine and ... how did she do all of that at once?

Ellie Kemper!

I went back and forth on this one, but the truth is I love this dress. The truth is also that she seriously needs to reconsider the length of her bangs. I would have loved to see a necklace with this - nothing big, just a delicate gold chain or similar- but I cannot argue with the fit and color of the dress.

Sirius Black and Ladyfriend Person!

I think we can all agree that Gary Oldman is a stone cold fox. HE looks spectacular. SHE looks like a walking invitation to explore her chamber of secrets.

Milla Jovovich!

And that, my dear readers, is how you say "I've still got it" in supermodel speak. Her hem is pooling slightly but I think she really knocked it out of the park with this look.

Judy Greer!

This is the best she has ever looked, scalp-down. I wish her hair was...done, but other than that, DAMN GIRL.

Octavia Spencer!

Gorgeous. The dress fits her like a dream. If I was the stylist, I would have pushed her to consider losing the sleeves and changing to a boat neckline, but that would just be cherries on top of the cheesecake. She looks amazing.

Natalie Portman!

LOVE. Love love love love love. Polka dots, classic, simple.... and a big honkin' strand of ice around her neck. LOVE.

Giuliana Rancic!

Okay, sure. She's a walking bobblehead. BUT. This dress is amazing and looked fantastic on camera. Someone knows what they are doing.

Angelina Jolie!

My best guess is she made some sort of bet with Brad to stick her leg out all night or something like that. I kind of love her for it. This dress is dramatic and completely appropriate for a star of her caliber. I'm so glad she stopped wearing those sad disco dresses.

Jessica Chastain!

FINALLY! Yes. This. Thank you, Jessica. You look fantastic, the dress is a wonder and you no longer look 15 years older than you are. I'm so glad you read WTS.

Penelope Cruz!

Best dressed of the night, hands down. Pen Cruz took this look pretty much directly from Grace Kelly and I have to say BRAVA because she looks spectacular. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. This is what red carpet perfection looks like.

Stay tuned for more ... we still have the Meh and the Bad!

Monday, February 13, 2012

Valentimes Day

Tomorrow, as you may know, is Valentine's Day. Or, if you live in Philadelphia like I do, Valentimes. It's that special time of year where people are forced to express feelings, be they love, anger, or desperation. It's practically required that one either prances happily through a forest of overpriced flowers or scowls angrily at those prancing through said forest.

Me? I could not possibly care less.

I tried to care about Valentine's Day for a long time because I thought that's what we had to do. I bought stupid gifts for people I was seeing; I scowled at people carrying flowers and balloons when I was unattached. But, you guys, I am epically bad at Valentine's Day. For example, a gift I once gave an ex (obvs while we were dating) on Valentine's Day? Napoleon Dynamite. ON VHS. Oy.

I just don't like it. So I am not doing it. No flowers, no candy, no cards, no stupid stuffed animals holding hearts that say "I love you beary much" or whatever. It's Tuesday and that's awesome. I like Tuesdays, always have. I will give YOU, my dear readers, a present: I'm finally going to put up my SAG fashion recap. I love you. You're welcome.

I've never had a problem loving people and I've never had a problem expressing that love. I try fairly hard to make sure my friends, lovers, family know how much I appreciate them. It's definitely worth it! You get so much back by radiating affection on the people you love. It often bounces off of them and right back onto you. That's just the simple truth of it.

And so, on this week's Tuesday, I encourage you let those people know you care about them. I like the way your laugh sounds when you can't catch your breath. It makes me feel good when you do your hair the way I taught you. I like it when you're silly, running around saying, "I'm a dead platypus!" I like the way you still care for me when I need it, even though I'm no longer a little girl. I like the way you are unafraid of your emotions and can burst into a room and into tears without a second thought. I like your constant enthusiasm about life. I like that cardigan you were wearing on Friday night and the way your hands feel in my hair. I like how you can change in an instant between bizarre and serious. I like the way you make me feel like I can accomplish anything.

It means a lot more that this shit...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

February Blues

My dear readers, I am way behind on covering the SAG Awards fashion! I have everything ready to go for you, but I haven't been able to put my nose to the grindstone of snark enough to let you know about the garbage bag Angelina Jolie decided to wear. Please be patient - you'll definitely want to see the straight up disaster that Rose Byrne showed up wearing! I'll give you a hint: WHITE LACE PANTS.

Before we get into all that, I am in the midst of a brain cloud funk over here. Maybe it's February, maybe it's that it's coming up on the anniversary of a friend's passing, maybe it's that I'm feeling 32 creeping up on me in an unpleasant way. When in the world did I get to be almost 32? That is how old adults are. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

This past weekend I had a brief conversation with my roommate and her friend about how whack it is that we let our high school selves decide what our adult career will be. I don't know about you, but thinking back to my late teenage years, I don't really trust that girl! She was far too concerned with pleasing other people, being thought of as cool, and generally just didn't want to do anything that required wearing a uniform. I think that last thing may have been a product of the all-Catholic-school thing. That uniform thing may have also contributed to a memorable visit my parents paid me in college where they found me wearing one of my mom's old nightgowns as a shirt. My mom is still horrified by this memory.

Back to the thought at hand, I am having a tough time getting my mind around the fact that the girl on the left in this photo:

is actively responsible for this:

(PS, I think we can all agree that my hair looks better NOT blonde. Also, what's up with my wonky eye in that prom photo? Weird.)

When I was a kid, I thought adults were those who:

* Could drive
* Got to make the decisions
* Decided what was for dinner
* Went to work
* Came home from work and worked more
* Had wine at night
* Paid bills
* Thought that sitting around talking with their friends was a lot of fun
* Planned trips
* Got to stay up as late as they want

According to that list, I'm doing all right. The only difference is that "stay up as late as they want" actually translates to "don't have to apologize for going to bed at 9:30." And that is pretty sweet.