Thursday, September 27, 2012

Pop Quiz, Hotshot

True or False: you can contract gonorrhea by way of blowjob?


True or False: As an nascent sex educator, I totally knew that, right?


You guys. I read this article on Jezebel and I was like...

and then I was like...

and then I was like...
and then I was like...
and then I was like...
and then I was like...

Oh hey, also, this (emphasis mine):
"The adaptive nature of the gonococcus, coupled with the prevalence of unprotected oral sex, all but insures that drug-resistant gonorrhea will eventually take root in the general heterosexual population," Groopman warns, adding that "Whatever freedoms were won during the sexual revolution, bacterial evolution promises soon to constrain."
So, let's review: there is now antibiotic-resistant "super gonorrhea" and you can get it from unprotected blowjobs.

Now I'm like this:

but I'm also like this...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

This is not my beautiful house...this is not my beautiful wife

As David Byrne once said (approximately): And you may find yourself ... going to your 10 year college reunion...And you may ask yourself... How did I get here!?

A bunch of my friends are going to our 10 year college reunion and I thought, well why not? I didn't really think too much about reunion until the other night. The other night I got a text message from someone with whom I've sort fallen out of touch. It wasn't anyone's fault, I don't think. We just stopped making the effort to see each other or talk. And then she texted me. And I texted her back. And that happened for about an hour and it was amazing. When I realized I was going to see her this weekend back on campus where we skipped many classes together, I suddenly felt nostalgic, guilty, and kind of old. Nostalgic, of course, for those sepia-colored days. Guilty because ten years ago I couldn't have imagined my life without my "fake sister." Kind of old because... holy crap! How have ten years gone by?

I've done a lot. I don't feel like I wasted my time. I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be at 32, but I think that's okay. And then I started thinking about all the people I'll get to see this weekend - many of whom I probably forgot existed in my little cocoon of small theatre in Philadelphia. A handful of them I'll have seen really not that long ago. A handful of them I used to make out with (again, TEN+ YEARS AGO). A handful of them I really will have no desire to chat up. I'm looking forward to seeing new jewelry on the ring fingers of old friends. I'm hoping there will be babies and children. Hilariously, one of the people I'm most excited to see didn't even go to school with us - she just happened to marry one of my oldest and dearest friends.

Maybe everything will be different. I hope things are not exactly the same. Most of all, though, I hope I'm able to process all of this and finally move on.


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

10 Things I Learned About Marriage From My Parents

My dear readers, today is a special day. Today is my parents' anniversary AND my dad's birthday! If you know me (and if you're reading this, hahaha of course you know me), you know that my family is tremendously important to me and I love them fiercely. And you know that my dad looks great in a hat.

Dad's number one rule about birthdays is that it is always good to have a birthday. "Another day sucking air," as he is known to say, is a very good thing. Tonight, we sushi to celebrate. (Sorry fishes but we are glad you are no longer sucking air... water... whatever. You are delicious.)

Now, I've never been married but I think I have a pretty good pair of role models. Here are a few things I've observed from them.

10. Clearly delineated ownership of tasks makes things a little easier. Example: your daughters do most of the cleaning in preparation for a party so you can make the food and freak out. (Just kidding, Mom  - don't get mad!)

9. When attending or throwing a party, divide and conquer. Social butterflies are not attached at the hip.

8. Be proud of each other, even for small stuff.

7. When raising kids, be a unified front of discipline - none of this "wait until your father gets home" crap. Children should be equally terrified of pissing off either parent.

6. When raising kids, be a unified front of love and support. Children should work hard to impress both parent with their wit, knowledge, and skill.

5. Human contact is required every day - hugs, kisses, little touches - otherwise you go insane.

4. "In sickness and in health" doesn't just mean the two of you - it extends to family and friends and pets. Taking care of a partner's sick parent is, to me, the truest and most grueling expression of love.

3. Sometimes you make each other absolutely insane. Sometimes you make each other laugh until you cry or pee your pants. Ebb and flow is a good thing.

2. Quiet alone time is golden.

1. Appreciate how short life is and never assume that your partner knows you love them. Say "I love you" every day. As much as possible, really.

it's safe to say I got my love of necklaces from my mom

Monday, September 24, 2012

Emmy Awards 2012: The Good, The Bad, and The Meh!

Here we are once again, dear readers! It's a beautiful day to critique gowns, don't you think? We'll go Good-Meh-Bad, as usual. Lots of color this time around, though unfortunately much of it is yellow. I personally cannot pull off yellow, therefore I don't think other white girls should wear it. It's a thing. But before we get into the good, I need to address this couple because we have a little bit of Good and a little bit of Is That A Tan Lace Pantsuit!?

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi!
Ellen looks chic as hell - love the cut of the suit, love the scarf accent. Portia looks like she just got done having cocktails with Blanche and Sophia on the lanai. Portia, darling, we all need a little Dorothy Zbornak in our lives but you are not yet 40 years old. Now is not the time to start reminiscing about St. Olaf's.


Tina Fey!
BLAMMO! I don't know what happened but all of a sudden our patron saint is shutting it down! Gorgeous color, awesome detail on the neckline, good hair and makeup. Say it with me, though: Could Use A Necklace (CUAN).

Kathy Griffin!
Another one who normally looks like a hot mess, turning it out. Normally I think this would be a lot of dress, but Kathy is working it. Cute hair, too.

Ginnifer Goodwin!

I also can't wear orange, so I would normally zop this... but it's a pretty great dress and she is wearing the hell out of it. Beautifully done.

Archie Panjabi!

I can't wrap my head around what it must be like to be this stunningly beautiful. The dress is cool, the color is a dream, and her hair is just right. CUAN, though.

Jane Krakowski!
While this is a fairly standard look for Ms. K, she's knocking it out of the park. Her hair looks amazing. I wonder if she stood in front of a fan set to low and then just sprayed the hell out of her hair to get that breezy look.

Kat Dennings!

Classiest, prettiest motorboat patrol EVER. Obviously, CUAN...a very large one just dripping with diamonds. That is a lot of real estate without a necklace.

Nicole Kidman!

It's a little bit Ice Phoenix Ode To The Vagina, but I find this to be quite a striking look for her. I still miss her old face and red hair.

Julia Louis Dreyfus!

Julia, please stop being so fabulous - you're making the rest of us look bad. (PS- there were a few gowns in this oxblood color and now I have decided I need to buy a dress this color. It's totally flattering.)

Jessica Lange!
Stunning, appropriate, beautifully styled.

Hayden Panettiere!

Okay, let's be real - she is too short for this dress. HOWEVER, what a stunning dress and how well styled! I don't normally say this to Hayden Panettiere, but go 'head girl!

Giuliana Rancic!

Again, credit where it's due: she looks terrific.

Jessica Pare!

Stunning, stop-in-your-tracks look. I don't know if I love this dress, but I love it on her. And check that cocktail ring - perfect.

Kerry Washington!

Hi, I'm Kerry Washington, and I'm perfect.
Kiernan Shipka!
Ladylike, pretty, age-appropriate, classic.

Amy Poehler!
This may be a personal best for our other patron saint. It's cut a littttttttle wide in the neckline, but she still looks dynamite. THIS is how we do the first public event after a breakup. (PS - RIP Amy + Will)

Sarah Hyland!
I'm not going to lie - this kid is one of my consistent red carpet favorites. Pretty, feminine, youthful, flirty. Yup - practically perfect.

Elisabeth Moss!

I'm a little confused about why she is blonde right now, but I am digging the floral mullet dress. THAT is not a sentence I ever anticipated typing. Whatever, it looks good on her.

Padma Lakshmi!

It's fairly standard, and it CUAN, but no one does this look better than Padma. She just makes it look so easy.

Martha Plimpton!

It's a little bit "fancy table cloth at the olde saloon" but I kind of love this dress. She knows she looks good, too.

Ariel Winter!

The shoes might be a bit heavy, but I think this is sweet and totally age appropriate. Her hair is totes adorable too. I am so in love with side buns right now.

Christina Hendricks!

As I texted reader Bon last night, VaVOOM. I'm not in love with the color but she's working it. Dig the belt. Adore the hair.

Julianne Hough!
I actually like the pairing of the Gatsby-inspired hair with the deco-inspired dress. This color is a DREAM on her. CUAN.

Rico Rodriguez!
I'm not going to highlight too many men this year. Let's just assume that most looked great, Peter Dinklage (as always) is best dressed, and that there were a couple of guys who decided to try to wear a pop-o-color shirt with their tux and it went badly wrong. But how could I not highlight Rico? On anyone older this would look a bit like he was going as a fancy mobster for Halloween, but he's somehow able to make this look suave. Go 'head boy!


Christine Baranski!
Oh, mamacita. You're legs say "still got it," but your dress says "I would like to appear four inches shorter than I am."
January Jones!
Neck-down: YES. Excellent (if slightly terrifying) dress. Neck-up: YIKES. Fire your stylist.

Brooke Burke!

Welcome, everyone, to the Brooke Burke Magic Eye Poster! What do you see? It's a dildo! It's a vagina! It's a schooner! It's ... a shame, really, because other than the labia majora in the middle of her dress, she looks great.
Sophia Vergara!
Hey look! It's Sophia Vergara in a shimmery dress that absolutely hugs her curves! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Anna Chlumsky!
The thing is, I don't hate the dress, but it's a little heavy and matronly. It's okay if you squint... but that's not a good way to dress oneself. Maybe Thomas J. wasn't the only one who couldn't see without his glasses. (ooooh, burn!)

Kaley Cuoco!
Is she drunk? I like the shape. I guess. CUAN, among other things like makeup and a different hairdo.

Lucy Liu!

I'm not saying Lucy Liu doesn't look great. I'm just saying that girls were checking their lipstick all night in Lucy Liu's sternum.
Allison Williams
I'm not sure I saw anyone from Girls looking awesome. Allison did best of all, which isn't exactly a huge compliment. The color on this is great but it's far more complicated than it needs to be. And a skosh too long.

Leslie Mann!
I'm super digging the turquoise jewelry with the yellow skirt, but to quote The Silver Fox Tim Gunn, it looks a little "happy hands at home granny circle."

Kristen Wiig!

I can't with this one. It's ... ugh. WHAT ARE THOSE SHOES!?

La Klum!
Last night, I facebook'd (it's a verb) that La Klum showed up looking decent. I stand by that, even though I was not aware of the loin cloth quality to this dress until this morning. It's a little bit Malibu Barbie On The Rebound, yes? Of course, Heidi makes it look pretty... for which we can all hate her.

Julie Bowen!
MY EYES! MY EYES! THE BURNING! But I like the shape of the dress on her. Keep trying, Bowen. You'll get there someday.

Kelly Osbourne!


Hamm and Westfeldt

Snoozefest Part 2. And, Jessica, I still haven't forgiven you for that terrible movie Friends With Kids.

Sarah Paulson!

This could have been amazing. Black was not the right accent color, however. Silver would have been beautiful. Those shoes are a disaster and the hair is all wrong and it CUAN.

Zooey Deschanel!

It's pretty, it's ethereal, it looks like it got caught in the door of the limo. Love the hair and makeup, but if a dress ever needed a giant necklace, it's this one.

Connie Britton!
Neck-down: AMAZING. Perfect, gorgeous, yes! Neck-up: old school Patty Duke.


Julianne Moore!
Guess who's really into Sister Wives?????

Morena Baccarin!

EW. It's dull, saggy, and has far too much going on from bust to thighs. Go home and start over.
Julianna Margulies!
Oh this old thing? You'll never believe it but it used to be a bedspread in my grandmother's house! YOU'RE ON PROBATION, MARGULIES!

Edie Falco!
Please excuse Edie- she had to run here straight from an audition for the new Broadway play "Natural? What Is Natural? - The Donatella Versace Story."

Emilia Clarke!

Ladies, when you have a hard time deciding whether to wear a long dress or a short dress, why not just wear both? It definitely won't look like you're about to do the Mother Ginger routine from the Nutcracker.

Ashley Judd!


Glenn Close!
Eek! That is one terrifying dress! It looks like the wall art from some insufferable "contemporary" restaurant in 1987.

Michelle Dockery!

Hickory, Dockery, Dock
My god, I hate your frock
It puts me to sleep
AND it looks cheap
Hickory, Dockery, Dock

Lena Headey!

In tonight's performance of Kiss of the Spider Woman, the role of Aurora will be played by Lena Headey.

Kate Mara!
A) Smizing is not your forte. B) That dress is awful. C) Please never wear that hairstyle again.

Zosia Mamet!

What is happening with this dress? Everything about this is bad. I can't even.

Amanda Peet!
If someone said to you "peach lace sack dress," would you respond, "Perfect! I love looking shapeless on the red carpet!" ? If you were Amanda Peet, you bet your ass you would.

Alexandra Breckenridge!
What hath Angelina wrought?

Jena Malone!

The nicest thing I can say about this dress is that at least this time she doesn't look like the personification of teenage angst.

Emily VanCamp!

Dirty water, ghost lining, sad hair, daytime makeup. Please try again.

Melissa McCarthy!
The cut of the dress is decent, but the material just absolutely ruins it. Instead of looking chic and stylish, she looks like she's going to a funeral at the Renn Faire. Yea, verily, I am sorry for your loss.

Claire Danes!

Pregnant or not, you don't have to wear a bath towel/potato sack in the worst possible color for your skin tone. Please discontinue enrollment at the Natalie Portman School For Red Carpet Pregnancy. You are better than this, Danes. Better, I say!

Lena Dunham!
Oh girl. Oh no. No no no.