Friday, December 30, 2011

On being 11, on death, on resolutions

I was ready for 2011 to be an awesome year! And sometimes it was! But for the most part, it kind of sucked.

I suppose I should not have been surprised that 2011 was kind of crappy. Now that I think of it, the millennium is only now figuring out how to deal with hormones and figuring out that there is no tooth fairy. When I was 11, I saw death up-close and personal for the first time and learned how complicated grief can be. (I also broke my jaw, which gave me a lifelong ambivalence to milkshakes and intimate, personal knowledge of how it feels to carry wire cutters with you everywhere you go for two straight weeks. Spoiler: it's weird.)

Learning about death is never complete. Experiencing death is odd and hard and weird and sad and sometimes really hilarious. It can be unexpected. It can be drawn out. Most horrifyingly, it can be an enormous relief sometimes. No matter what, the breath will leave your own lungs for a moment or two once it happens and then you have a choice of what is next. I had four moments this year of losing my breath and making a choice. The first time, I chose the phone and friends. The second time, I chose the phone and friends and jokes. The third time, I chose bourbon. The fourth time, there was nothing to choose as I was experiencing loss through my dear, sweet friend and simply felt impotent.

Here's a story about time 3: my uncle was sick and wasn't going to get better. We knew this. My mom told me in the morning that they had chosen Hospice. I helped some friends unpack their house and then a friend and I hit the local dive bar for a beer. My dad called and told me that my uncle, his brother had passed. I went back in the bar and cried openly.

It's really something to weep openly in a dive bar at 5 PM on a Sunday when the Eagles aren't playing. Really something.

My friend ordered us some bourbon and the bartender snarled, "I hope you're not crying over some man. Cause it ain't worth it." I said that I sort of was crying over a man - my uncle had just passed. The O Shit face was pretty amazing, the shots were on the house, and we stayed for hours. Then I sat up in my room until 4 AM, playing Angry Birds and trying not to think about things. That's how it goes sometimes.

This year has inspired me to grow and to actively work on being a better person. I still hate nature and I'm still going to be a snarky little gossip queen who makes fun of celebrities' outfits, but I'm working on realizing that I can only control my own happiness. This is important; I sincerely had no idea I could not force other people to be happy, healthy, or whole.

I'm pretty much terrible at New Year's Resolutions, but here's what I've got this year:

I resolve to cultivate stillness in my life, to appreciate quiet, and to fully commit myself to living fully and with loving joyfulness.





Oh! And to never, ever wear a gown with a jeans jacket.

Sheesh, lady.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Life's important questions

It's almost New Year's Eve! You simply HAVE to have the BEST TIME EVER, right?!?!?!?! You must drink champagne, even if you hate it! You have to stay up past midnight, even though you usually go to bed at 10! You have to be superrrrr drrrrunk! PARTY! TOGA! MAKE OUT WITH PEOPLE!

New Year's Eve can feel like a high-pressure situation. It's almost like the holiday-planners of yore looked at the calendar and said, "Hrmm...everyone just got through a long week of being with their families for Christmas and Hanukkah...let's plan something else stressful!" And then you are confronted with the following questions:

* Where am I going to go?
* Who am I going to hang out with?
* What am I going to wear?
* Will I be able to stay up past midnight?
* Who the hell am I going to kiss at midnight?
* What am I going to drink?

Never fear, Way Too Shay Nation - I am here with some answers to your questions!

Where am I going to go?
Your choice. I would personally never be terribly interested in paying $75 to hang out in some crappy bar all night, even with an open bar, but if that's your scene, GO FOR IT. There are plenty of concerts going on if that sounds good to you. And people tend to have some groovy house parties. Just don't be the jerky friend who waits to commit to a party until you know which invitations you have, fearing you'll miss the "good" party.

Who am I going to hang out with?
Choose one or two people and make a NYE pact: we arrive together, we leave together, we watch out for each other all night. Seriously, NYE is a time for amateur antics and people get too drunk and do very stupid things. The buddy system is always a good idea in times like these, especially in case you or your buddy ends up being the drunken idiot.

What am I going to wear?
NYE is exactly like watching the Oscars at home in terms of fashion. You have two options: pajamas or evening wear. I say bust out the sparkles and the shoes that make your feet bleed. You're just going to spend the whole next day watching movies anyway!

Will I be able to stay up past midnight?
Yeah, probably. You're not a toddler. But! It might be helpful to take a disco nap round about 4 PM. Also, look, you don't HAVE to go out and you don't HAVE to stay up to watch the clock strike 12. The truth is, it's going to happen whether you see it or not. You can very easily just sit at home and watch all of the Die Hard movies and then go to bed with popcorn grease still on your fingers. In fact, that will almost definitely be more fun than standing around some crappy bar, fighting to get a free drink.

Who the hell am I going to kiss at midnight?
Plenty of options here: you have your buddy, right? You could kiss that person (possibly your buddy is a lover or similar... then you get to kiss WITH TONGUE). You could kiss your friend, you could kiss the sweet looking stranger you've been laughing with all night (with their permission ONLY - don't just plant one on him/her), you could kiss your mom or dad or sibling, you could kiss your favorite pet. Worried about being the only single person at a party full of couples? ALWAYS TURN TO HUMOR and turn around and do that "pretending to makeout with myself" joke.

What am I going to drink?
This is important. Champagne is the easy answer but, amazingly, some people don't like it. I don't get that at all - bubbly is fantastic and I wish I could drink it every day like Marilyn Monroe. If you hate it, though, you can have beer, wine, whatever. Something in a super fancy martini glass would be lovely - be classic and choose a manhattan. But! Here's the secret to NYE! This is the time of year where there is usually also sparkling apple cider hanging around for the pregnants and the sobers and you guys? That shit is DELICIOUS. So go on with your bad self and down some sweet, sweet sparkling apple juice. You may still get a little bit of a headache from all the sugar, but you won't be a drunken idiot. I feel the need to mention again that it is way more delicious than anything alcoholic you could drink.


FORGOTTEN QUESTION: How am I going to get home!?
Don't mess around, my friends. If you drive somewhere, you either have to:

a) arrange to sleep over
b) have a FOR REAL SOBER designated driver
c) call a cab

Do you guys know about #TAXI? Seriously, just type that into your cell phone and it will connect you with the next available cab company line (for a nominal fee - like a dollar or so). So easy. Keep in mind, since it is a big holiday, it might take some time to get a cab. But it'll be totally worth it when you are in one piece the next morning, without a DUI or worse.


Your feet will still be blistered, though, from those hot shoes you were wearing. Unfortunately there is not yet #SLIPPERS.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Subtle Ways to Be a Total Juicebox

Thanks to reader Alison for posting this on her Facebook wall yesterday:

Top 10 Subtle Ways to Tell Her She's Getting Fat.

Oh yes, it's real. I'll just let that sink in for a moment.


Okay, here's the list:

10. Buy her clothes that are too small.
9. Sign her up for yoga under the pretence [sic] of "stress relief."
8. Set out on your own weight loss plan.
7. Serve her unsatisfactory portions.
6. Improve your own diet.
5. Playfully grab her love handles.
4. Ask her to wear an old dress.
3. Schedule a formal date. [The original #3 was Sabotage her chair, but apparently THAT WENT TOO FAR.]
2. Leave "now" and "then" photos lying around.
1. Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit.


You know, askmen.com, why stop there? Why not combine a few - make her wear a swimsuit on a formal date with unsatisfactory portions and then grab her love handles? Wouldn't that be most effective? Oh, and if you really want to destroy your girlfriend's self-confidence, be sure to ask talk openly and often about how hot her skinny friends are! It's a surefire hit!

For number 7, here is the actual text: "By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it." SHAMING HER INTO AN ACKNOWLEDGMENT!

Look. We know when we've put on weight. Even if we don't weigh ourselves regularly, we know how our clothes fit. This isn't something that ever needs to be pointed out to us, not ever. Most likely we are already thinking about it often and aren't feeling too great about it. If a partner tries to shame us into losing weight, there are a few things that might happen: A) Partner is now single, B) "Fat" girlfriend loses self-confidence and perhaps also LIBIDO, C) eating disorder city: population 1. I swear to god, if anyone ever playfully grabbed my love handles, he would be missing a hand. At the very least.


You know what? Fuck this article. You are beautiful and you deserve satisfactory helpings of guacamole.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Cookies!

Nothing says the holidays like cramming as many cookies as you can into your mouth and pretending you won't gain any weight. To help you with this task, I am sharing with you the recipe my parents sent me when I asked for a snickerdoodle recipe. For the uninitiated, snickerdoodles are the simplest and best cookie in the entire world.

The Famous Oodles of Snicker-Doodles Recipe and Handbook

Preheat oven to 400Âș. Put 1 cup of butter on the table. Take some time for a drink.

Get the ingredients before you drink more.

2¾ c sifted flout
3 t baking powder
½ t salt
1 c soft butter
1½ c sugar
2 eggs
4 T sugar
4 t cinnamon

Mix the next drink, but only take a taste.

Mix and sift flour, baking powder, and salt.

In separate bowl, cream butter and gradually add 1½ cup of sugar
Cream mixture until fluffy, add beaten eggs, and mix well
Add sifted dry ingredients gradually and mix.
Chill in refrigerator while you have your nicely chilled drink.

Mold dough into small balls using 1 T of dough for each ball.
Roll dough balls and boys in mixture of 4 T sugar and 4 t cinnamon.
Place 2 inches apart on an ungreased cooking sheet

Insert in HOT, HOT, HOT oven and bake for about 10 minutes.

Drink while you wait.

This recipe yields approximately 5 dozen cookies and at least 3 opportunities to enjoy Christmas cheer.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Oh hi

Whoops, I fell off the face of the earth for a few weeks. But I'm back! And unfortunately, I have to show you this photo.



All together now: OH GIRL. OH NO.


Wow, this is bad. The color is fabulous on our girl K-Chen, but that's about all of the compliments I can give. My dear readers, I would like to advocate for being a Lady. A Lady is always gracious. A Lady recognizes her body type and age and dresses appropriately. A Lady can be sexy, but is never vulgar. In the words of our patron saint, Mary J. Blige, "I'm a lady so I must stay classy."

K-Chen is suffering here from a clear desire to appear younger than she is. In dressing like a red carpet tramp, she inadvertently ages herself in an unfortunate way. The leg reveal! The egregious boobing! And how in the world did she find a dress that makes one as wee as she look...pear-shaped? It's all just waaay too shay. Please, K-Chen, I beg you: look to Kyra Sedgwick. Shit, look to Martha Plimpton! Remember this?



YOU'RE ONLY 2 YEARS OLDER THAN HER!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A plug with a side of guuuuh

My dear readers, I want to take a moment in this week of gratitude and food to say THANK YOU for reading WTS this year. I've had such a good time blogging for you (and me) and finding fun stuff to talk about.

Here's what has been keeping me busy...

I have been putting together a new Christmas show for the grown ups called Chlamydia for Christmas and Herpes for Hanukkah: More Sex-Ed Burlesque for the Holidays. My breast friend Gigi and I have been working hard on the show and this is a special invitation to readers of WTS to come check it out! Do you like to read WTS? You'll love to hear WTS-esque things coming out of my mouth live and in person! Tickets are available RIGHT NOW over here! Perhaps I can entice you with a photo of me wearing a moustache?



But for real: I am tired. Tired in a really lucky sort of way. Let's take a break from the whirlwind of stress to take a look at the pretty. ELIZABETH TAYLOR ONLINE AUCTION!!!!!!!

The caftan! The cowboy boots! The turquoise necklace! The white gold and diamond hoop earrings! (Those have always brought me luck...) Oh, Elizabeth. Yes. YES.

big ups to Ms. Jayme for the link!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Possibly the girliest thing ever.

I'm sure you probably all read The Hairpin, so you've probably already seen this, but I MUST post it here! (And, ps, if you are not reading The Hairpin just start now. It's wonderful.)

Ultra-femme guru Jane Marie put up one of her How To Be A Girl videos about the easiest and best way to do cat eye makeup. It is genius. Go forth and be fabulous!


My dear friend is getting married next weekend. It's one of those awesome and awe-inspiring things where not only is she deeply in love but she and the object of her deep affection have decided that they are throwing this wedding themselves, the way they want it. That means she's cooking all of the food. That's a slightly terrifying prospect if you ask me but she assures me that the happiest she's felt planning her wedding was while doing a practice run of the dishes she planned to make. Not being very helpful at group cooking, I asked if there was anything else I could do to help her prepare for the wedding. She very sweetly asked me to help her buy makeup and teach her how to use it. THAT'S LIKE MY FAVORITE THING EVER! We had a fun day at Sephora and now we're on the eve of the makeup trial...which means I get to see her dress.

There is a delightful giddiness I feel when I get to attend a wedding or be in a wedding or help out with a wedding for people I love. I have had the great pleasure of doing this multiple times this year, and I couldn't be happier to be part of my friends' celebration next weekend. Gush gush gush, ain't love grand? More importantly, ain't makeup grand?

She's a person who never wears anything more than foundation, so we're going to keep it light so she looks like herself, but also have a little bit of fun playing with the vintage vibe of her dress. We have a couple of hours tomorrow to play, so first we're going to set how she wants her face to be on the wedding day and then we're going to go with basic tutorial. I'm definitely teaching her the cat eye tape trick from Jane Marie! It's easy and awesome!

On a related note, I've been commissioned to do wedding hair for the groom's mother and two sisters. This wedding is going to be many things but one thing it won't be is Too Shay!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Hair Down There

My dear readers, I know... I know. I don't call, I don't write, I don't send you flowers anymore. I'm in the midst of making a show (more on that at a later date), so life is kind of hectic.

BUT.

Holy lord, I could not keep this from you. My lovely friend Jane sent out the latest ad from PETA yesterday and I'm sitting here with thoughts. I have thoughts on hair.



Jane actually sent out the article from the Ms. blog about said ad. There are a lot of salient points in that thar article.
Does “it’s for a good cause” excuse exploiting, dehumanizing and sexualizing women? Do we want to get behind animal rights when they’re packaged as caged, unclothed pregnant women on all fours, women marked up as cuts of meat, women being beaten with baseball bats, and (more than once) the likening of our natural pubic hair to clothing made from the skinned fur of slaughtered animals?

Indeed, Ms. Indeed.

So, okay: you get hair ripped out of your labia majora and PETA gets a cut. On one hand, there are tons of women who rock this style and might as well have some of their beauty dollars go to a good cause. On the other hand, good try PETA. I am not going to sacrifice my gloriously full bush to your organization.

You heard me: glorious. This is where my thoughts come in. Get ready.

I am all about personal style. You know this. This is not shocking. Many of my friends rock what I call "the full banana" (note: this is not catching on, sadly) because they feel smooth is sexy and wonderful. Go, girls. And boys. I take issue when a lady friend tells me that the full banana* is "cleaner." What is that about? I shower every day. I change my underwear. I have proper hygiene. My hairy cootch is just as clean as your baby smooth one. If you bic'd your hair, would your head be considered cleaner than mine?

Another layer of this, of course, is the male gaze. I have a problem with dressing and styling oneself for the sexual gratification of others. This is one of the reasons I always try to refrain from telling someone I'm dating that they need a haircut. I would hate it if a partner said that to me. It would feel like I was styling myself for their gratification, and that is no good. I love dressing up or getting my hair cut or wearing makeup or choosing jewelry or shoes that help me feel my best. In fact, everything that goes on around my face and head is my favorite mode of self-expression. This is why I dye my hair so much.

Here's the bottom line: my personal opinion on hair is HOORAY. I like body hair, especially pubic hair. It's adult and it's great. I'm not against general upkeep (though it's impressive if underarm hair can be braided), but I do like to know that when I'm hitting the sheets I am doing so with an adult. So thanks, but no thanks, PETA. I really don't think my glorious downstairs style is the same as skinning an animal and wearing it for fashion. Fur is gross, hair is awesome.




*should I stop trying to make "the full banana" happen?

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

And now....deep thoughts....

So how are you all doing on that whole actively choosing to live life challenge? As for me, I definitely have difficulty feeling very active in my choice to take a shower. I also have found it difficult to actively engage in the shower experience. I do my best thinking in the shower which, unfortunately, sometimes leads to me forgetting to shampoo my hair.

Reader Mix (indeed the same woman who encouraged me to start WTS in the first place) found a lovely website called Positively Positive and therein found the following quote:

You can laugh again after unspeakable loss. Joy will wind its way around scars that will never unknot within you – like smiling ivy warming tree roots.

I'm sharing this with all 6 of you in hopes that it will inspire you as much as it inspired me. Thank you, Mix!

In related news, a friend who lives a life quite similar to mine just got a dog. Our lives are similar in that we both are the types of people who leave the house early in the morning and don't return until well past nightfall. We have lots of plates spinning every day and try to cram as much into our waking hours as humanly possible. I was absolutely floored when he decided to get a dog and started teasing him about animal cruelty. Don't dogs need attention and walks and not to be left alone for 18 hours a day? He very simply explained that he wanted to change the way he lived his life, and this was a very real and immediate way to do that. He has to consider time at home important; he has to consider another living being. And then he said.... AND THEN HE SAID...

We choose to live our lives this way. We have to stop pretending it's not a choice.

With that in mind, I am taking a look at things in my life I view as unpleasant but inescapable, and trying to think a little more creatively about the way I could be living. This goes hand-in-hand with being present in my life and actively choosing the way my day is lived. God love you, weirdo friend of mine who now has an inexplicable dog.


Also, I know you guys don't come here for the soul searching, so here's a good laugh, courtesy of Reader Nikki:

Monday, October 31, 2011

Your Guide to Sexy ____ Halloween Costumes

Happy Halloween! Before we get into the good stuff offered for Slutoween this year (and by "good stuff" I mean "the most ridiculous stuff I could find"), I want to share with you my own ironic Sexy Cat costume. Ladies and gentlemen, Sexy Peter Criss:



The makeup, unfortunately, gave me a slight chemical burn and those pants inspired an almost instant yeast infection, but it was WORTH IT. And now on to the good stuff.

Listen, usually I go through all sorts of different websites looking for the "best" in Sexy ____ costumes, but I have learned that all you have to do is go to Yandy.com. Yandy is the Sexy King of Sexy ____ costumes. All of these photos are from that site.

Sexy Eskimo!

Seximo. Seeing as it SNOWED this weekend in Philly, this would be a warmer Sexy ___ costume option.

Sexy MC Hamster!

Who DOESN'T wear a plush hamster head when they're feeling sexy!? I am not lying when I tell you this costume comes in different colors.

Sexy Wood Chipper!

According to Yandy, this is a "wood chipper" costume. Also according to Yandy, the beaver is detachable. You might think it doesn't get better than this but you'd be wrong.

Sexy Murder Victim!

Good news ladies! Now your sexy costume repertoire includes a reminder that you are an appropriate target of violence! YOU'RE WELCOME.

Sexy Lady Gaga!

Redundant and ineffectual. Lady Gaga routinely wears less fabric than this.

Sexy Dick Tracy!

Now that's more like it! You got your Sexy Gangster and your Sexy early 90s movie nostalgia all in one!

Sexy Eve!

The snake is a puppet. You're wearing a leotard and a puppet. In case you were wondering, no, it does not get sexier than that.

Sexy Dolphin!

The tail is what makes it art.

Sexy Train Conductor!

Perfect if you're hoping that someone will choo-choo-choose you!

Sexy Pineapple!

Every year as I scroll through the Sexy ____ offerings, I come to a few outfits that make me think, Who sees this and says "That's the one!"????

Sexy Watermelon!

An excellent addition to the Sexy Fruit Cup we're putting together. (Also, there is a costume for Sexy Fruit Cup. It just wasn't good enough to include here.) I wonder what else we could add to our Sexy Fruit Stand?

Sexy Banana!

PERFECT.

Sexy Scrabble!

This one has been making the rounds this year, for good reason. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

Sexy Shark!

This one just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. One of my favorites of all time. I think it's the look on her face paired with the SHARK ON HER HEAD.

Sexy Rambo!

Because it's gotta be 1982 somewhere.

Sexy Flashdance!

So maybe you're going to a Sexy 80s party. (Please note: they also sell Sexy Cyndi Lauper costumes. REDUNDANT.)

Sexy Viking!

Fur? Check. Horns? Check. Illusion bustier that makes breasts look exposed? Check.

Sexy Brownie!

Just to clarify: the youngest girl scouts are Brownies and they wear brown smocks. Once you become a regular Girl Scout in middle school, you get the green outfit. So basically, this is a Sexy Second Grader costume. On the other hand, I definitely appreciate how well they've posed this photo. Is she a Sexy Brownie Detective?

Sexy Indiana Jones!

Guaranteed to have some dude drunkenly slur at you, "We named the DOG Indiana!" and then smack your ass.

Sexy Jane Goodall!

The person who thought up this costume was quickly fired for being "too cerebral."

Sexy Elvira!

...because Elvira is not sexy enough? I don't understand.

Sexy Optimus Prime!

Nerd magnet.

Sexy Green Lantern!

Nerd magnet supreme!

Sexy Edward Scissorhands!

I actually love this. But then again, I love Edward Scissorhands. I don't see the advantage of a short skirt over skin tight pants but I suppose that's why I don't have a job at Yandy.

And now, my friends, the greatest Sexy ____ costume I have ever seen:

Sexy Hulk Hogan!

Whatcha gonna do, Brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you!?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Purchases of the damned

Halloween is the special time of year when you rationalize purchasing things you'll almost certainly never use again. For me, that purchase was super-shiny, skin-tight black leggings.

WHICH I WILL BE WEARING AS PANTS.

My dear readers, believe me when I say that this pains me as much as it does you. We know that leggings are not pants. But. I'm trying to be Sexy Peter Criss for a Sexy Cat Halloween party and it just won't work without the leggings as pants. Truthfully, my first idea was a unitard but then I realized that a vest and leggings with appropriate accessories would do the trick just fine. (And would save me about $20.) In the end, it's all about the makeup anyway, right?



I tried on the leggings last night at the theatre to make my colleagues laugh and received no fewer than three butt-smacks from the Ladies of Flashpoint. For a moment, I understood the attraction of wearing leggings as pants: my ass looked fantastic in these horrible things. Fantastic and shiny.

Friday, October 21, 2011

One Year

It's birthday time here at Way Too Shay! Here are some things we have learned this year:

* Necklaces are a go, especially with strapless gowns and in the case of earthquakes.


* This season of Project Runway is terrible. I refuse to even put up a photo.

* Everyone in the world agrees that Ken Watanabe is totally hot.


* The Rules are totally whack.


* HBC is THE BEST.


* You can totally wear a vagina/toilet as a fascinator.


* There is a Sexy Phantom of the Opera costume.


* This is apparently formalwear:


* Michelle Williams from Destiny's Child was in Blue Valentine.



If I can be serious for a moment, my dear readers, I must thank you for coming by and having fun with me for the past year. It's certainly not been the easiest year of my life and having this space where we could be all WHAAAAAAAT?! about stuff like this:

has been wonderful! What I really learned over the past year is that the people who love you are the most important thing in the world and that we need to remember not to coast through our lives taking people for granted. Who else can take you from this:



to this:



over the course of a couple of hours, some straight talk, and a little bit of wine? Okay, a lot of wine. Cheers to you!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Challenge

My dear readers, we are coming up on the one year anniversary of WTS! Confetti! Balloons! Champagne! And a challenge!

Remember when we were going to compliment people on the street with rockin' style? And how it was sometimes awkward? And then, I don't know if I told you this, but I complimented one girl and it turns out I knew her and just hadn't seen her in a year or so?! Weird. Anyway, this challenge is a little closer to home.

Let's make our life about good choices.

For one week, I challenge you to actively choose things. Instead of, "Ugh, I have to get up and take a shower," try to reframe your thinking to, "I like to shower and I'm going to smell so good after I do this. I'll be ready for my day." And then (and this is the really tricky part): try to actively enjoy and be engaged in that thing you chose.

This can apply to what you're wearing, what you choose to eat, the people you choose to interact with, the activities you choose to do. I find myself being incredibly passive in so many areas of my life and feeling under obligation to do so many things that I find repetitive, boring, and NOT stimulating. Let's engage in life by making it about choice.


Special thanks to reader Mix for bringing this up at dinner last night. I'll tell you all about that dinner in the next post because OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WE ATE ALL OF THE GOOD FOOD.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Overalls are not flattering.

The other day I was reminiscing with a college friend about the uniform for female theatre majors at our school: tank top, overalls, bandana, crescent wrench. My friend was bemoaning the fact that she no longer has overalls but I can't agree with her. I remember how I looked in my overalls and while they were definitely comfortable they were certainly not chic.

Now we just have to get that memo to Katie Holmes.



I think perhaps my favorite part of this is looking at it top to bottom (a "scrolldown fug" as the Fug Girls would say).

sloppy ponytail....

minimal makeup...

comfy shirt...

jacket...

gigantic overalls...

HIGH HEELED BOOTIES!


To be honest, I kind of feel for Joey Potter. I mean, we've all done this, right? Throw on any old shoes to go out to get the mail or just run halfway down the block to the bodega to pick up a milk chug for your mac and cheese? And you realize you're wearing yoga pants and a huge tshirt and, you know, silver sparkly flats but you're just going down the street real quick and it's not like you're going to run into anyone you know. Except you ALWAYS DO. It's a law of the universe. Luckily, not many of us run in the paparazzi when we're in a stupid shoe and oversized clothing moment. Alas for Mrs. Cruise, it just wasn't her day.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Oh god, the PRESSURE

Tonight is the Barrymore Awards for Philadelphia theatre, aka Theatre Prom. Everyone gets all dolled up, awards are handed out, speeches are made, and many many many bottles of wine are sacrificed to the theatre gods (by way of theatre gullets) after the ceremony. I used to think that the point of the ceremony was to award outstanding achievements in regional theatre, but I know better now. The point is to look better than we usually do, which would be covered in paint and sweatpants.

I pulled a forgotten dress out of my closet and remembered my shoes and a wrap and a necklace and all of that, but I feel like the pressure is really on this year. Why? Because of stupid Way Too Shay! I have been second-guessing my necklace selection all day. I've been wondering if I should have gone with different earrings. And I'm in absolute hysterics about my hair. Why did I cut my hair off without figuring out how to style this cut for a formal occasion!?

I'm getting ready at my office after work today, due to time constraints and the absolute necessity of a pre-ceremony glass of wine. There's a very specific emotion that arises out of applying Spanx to one's body in one's office restroom. I won't define it for you; it's the sort of thing one must feel for oneself.

I've done a little trick to help alleviate my worries about inappropriate accessorizing: I look like crap today. I am wearing pants that don't quite fit anymore, a drab grey sweater that washes me out, my hair is a disaster, and I'm not wearing a lick of makeup. Here's how it works: I'll put myself together in my pretty dress and do my hair and makeup (and deal with the Spanx issue), and then when I look at the finished product in the mirror I will be impressed because I came so far from Sloppy Sally the Office Drone.

Good luck to all of the nominees (especially my theatre company!) and remember, the only thing that matters is that we're not wearing sweatpants.

Friday, September 30, 2011

The Worst Vegetarian

On this final day of September I am celebrating my final day of vegetarian month. I appreciate the cookbooks friends gave me and the recipes that were sent along. I will cap off the month with my first shot at ratatouille tonight! I did a good job on the month, only cheating once very early on. But...

OH MY GOD I WANT A BURGER.



Things I have learned from this month:

* Morrissey will never be my friend.

* It is actually possible to conquer cravings, but they will drive you insane.

* I am a person who dreams about sushi.

* And lamb.

* I eat far too much pizza.

* I will put cheese on just about anything.

* Even as a vegetarian, I can go a full 2 days without eating any fruits or vegetables.

* I feel better when I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables.

* Citrus avocado salad is the greatest salad ever invented.

* ... tied with cobb salad.


God, I want a cobb salad. And a burger. And some rare tuna. And a buffalo cheesesteak. And shrimp shumai. And turkey curry.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The beauty (and awkwardness) of memory

Yesterday, I was listening to the radio. As it turns out, radio stations still exist! Who knew!? Anyway, to my surprise, this little ditty came on...



Actually, it was the far-superior live recording and it took me back...way back. Immediately I was with a past paramour, experiencing my first, ahem, shirtless makeout moment. I remember very clearly that video being on MTV because of three things:

1. He loved Jane's Addiction
2. At one point he stopped making out with me to sing along to his favorite part
3. At the end of the video the audience applauds and I remember thinking, "I feel like clapping too!"


Also, hi Mom and I'm sorry you just read that.


When I heard that song out of the blue yesterday, it made me smile. Maybe because it brings me back to a more innocent time before broken hearts or sex, maybe because it was so clearly an awesome moment for me and the guy I was dating, maybe because it makes me remember how goddamn cute that boyfriend was. Years after that boyfriend was no longer my boyfriend, I was at the movies and when a person sat down behind me, my face flushed bright red. I recognized that person's smell - not cologne, just the way they smelled. I didn't have the guts to turn around until the movie was over, but there he was: Jane's Addiction himself, just as I knew he would be.

Sense memory is such a bizarre thing to me. The taste of delicious, aged gouda takes me back to my first apartment in Philly, sitting on the couch with my then-boyfriend, watching Ed Wood. This is perhaps because I ate TOO MUCH GOUDA that night and had to go to bed with a big tummy ache. A chilly, misty day where you constantly wish you had a scarf puts me right back on the streets of London, promising myself a strong, sweet cup of tea if I took very good notes in class. No notes, no tea. Doodles optional. The smell of sawdust has changed for me from a reminder of high school plays to putting up my company's first shows. And "Jane Says" will always bring back that sweet memory, even if it's not exactly the world's most romantic song. If I've learned anything in my 31 years, it's that you can't choose the moments that stick with you, no matter how hard you try.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Things we do to ourselves

This morning as I was going through my ritual, I realized that I am pretty mean to myself every day.

First, while the water for the shower warms up, I rip tiny hairs out of my eyebrow area. I tug at the skin between my eyebrows and pull hairs out. I scrape against the space above my eyes to get at those little hairs that aren't quite ready to emerge, forcing them to show themselves and be sacrificed.

Then, while showering, I first sand down my body with a stone and a rough bristled brush. And then! I drag a razor over my legs and armpits. A razor. Metal. Dragging across my skin.

Once out of the shower, I tug a comb through my tangled hair. I put alcohol on my face. I pull more tiny hairs out of my eyebrow area. And then I slather the whole thing down in thick cream made of god knows what.

And then, on special days, I force my thighs into spandex, shove my toes into the point of shoes, put at least 4 different kinds of sprays and concoctions on my hair, blast hot air at my head and then poke metal through my earlobes.


I guess what I'm trying to say is, y'all - I look good today.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Emmy Fashion: The Good, The Bad, and The Meh

We have A LOT to cover, so let's just jump in, shall we?

THE GOOD!

Christine Baranski!

The cap sleeves, the navy blue, the big old sparkly earrings... all of it is divine!

Jurnee Smollett!

I have no idea who this woman is but I would like to steal her DNA and her dress. And her bag. And her hair.

Nina Dobrev!

Wow. What an amazing, high-impact look. I'm totally obsessed with the bottom of this dress, mostly because it shouldn't work but it really does.

Maria Bello!

She may have forgotten to do her hair, but I love how fun and glamorous this dress is.

Sophia Vergara!

Pulls off a tricky color with much aplomb. It's a little long and I don't exactly know how she walks in it, but...damn, she is gorgeous amiright!?

Amy Poehler!

Stop being good at everything, Amy Poehler! You're making it harder on the rest of us! PS I love shiny blue metallic dresses.

Archie Panjabi!

Gorgeous color, flattering cut, could use a necklace.

Claire Danes!

Amazing dress and it looks great on her. She's really got it together lately, hasn't she?

Jane Lynch!

I was on the fence about whether this was a Meh or a Good, but I'm putting it here because it's so much better than usual and I am easily impressed. Of course I would like it better with a necklace, but you know me and those wide open clavicles.

Kerry Washington!

I'm not a huge fan of the sheer skirt trend (as you will see later because OH MY GOD DREW BARRYMORE), but I think this elevates the look. I like how the beading makes it look almost like fringe. And I love me a fringe dress.

Sarah Hyland!

Girlfriend knows how to dress well for her age and her body type. This is a great look.

Anna Faris!

It's possible that I'm biased because I happen to think that Anna Faris is a genius. It's also possible that this dress is everything good about art deco. Her hair is another story...

Elisabeth Moss!

Do I love her Feminine Mystique hairdo? No. Do I think she looks amazing in spite of said hairdo? Hell yes. That is a gorgeous dress. Way to go, Betsy Moss.

Anna Paquin!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Perfect.

Cobie Smulders!

I am deeply in love with this color on her and, for that matter, this color on the red carpet. Love the hair, too.

Naya Rivera!

Smokin' hot.

Martha Plimpton!

WHOA! Seriously, did anyone know that Martha Plimpton had this in her? This is the best I have ever seen her look. Fantastic dress, hair, everything. I love her but I had no idea she could pull it together like this.

Evan Rachel Wood!

Hands down, best dressed of the night. Stunningly glamorous. Well played, ERW! I am SO proud of you!


THE MEH

Mayim Bialik!

Tonight, on a very special episode of Blossom, Six and Blossom dress up in an attempt to sneak into the 55 and older community rec room. When Nick finds out, he has to rescue the girls from the enforced 9:30 PM bedtime.

Christina Hendricks!

Sooooo close! I think she looks fantastic but the combination of a too-high middle slit and the embellishment emphasizing her hips in this way isn't doing it for me. SOOO close!

Kelly Osborne!

You guys, where did Kelly Osborne go? I liked it better when she had some meat on her bones. I also liked it better when she didn't wear this kind of snoozefest dress. Ugh, let's liven it up, Kell!

Emily Blunt!

Why did you get so boring, Emily Blunt? I used to rely on you for super tight and shiny things. Now you just look like a craft project from the Roarin' 20s.

Kaley Cuoco!

This is another one that was SOOOO close. I love this dress. Love it! Lurve. Luff. But! Those horrible shoes! They ruin everything! Ugh, so disappointing!

Padma Lakshmi!

Not only does it too closely match her skin tone, it looks cheap with that big seam running down the middle.

Kate Winslet!

She has a slammin’ bod! She needs to wear a dress that fits!

Julie Bowen!

Our Julie Bowen never quite gets it right, does she? This dress looks like it was made for a woman about six inches taller than her. And what is up with her end of the day hair? Maybe next time, Julie.

Lea Michele!

I don't know, something seems off about this. I mean, it's fine, she looks fine, but - is it the shoulders? Are they too Marchesa-y? (I mean, it's a Marchesa, but you know.) Maybe it's big shoulders + hair down = too much going on in the neck area...? Stop exhausting me, Lea Michele!

Kristen Wiig!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........

Rashida Jones!

This is so boring, it actually makes me angry! Rashida! You are so beautiful and so talented and there is no reason you should show up to an awards show in a lackluster wrinkled gown with no necklace!

Dianna Agron!

I like her hair but this look is a bit mature for her. It would look fabulous on Helen Mirren, though.

Connie Britton!

Y'all, this is just a BIG look. Big hair, poufy skirt, big slit. She looks great, it just looks like a lot, you know?

Julia Stiles!

Her face says it all. Even Julia Stiles is bored with this look.

Elizabeth McGovern!

Snoozefest.

Jennifer Carpenter!

Ice dancing snoozefest.


THE BAD!

Vanessa Lengies!

When I was a kid I was threatened with a big, bulky back brace if I didn't stand up straight. If I had known that fashion back braces existed, I wouldn't have worried so much about it.

Julianna Margulies!

Ew! It's stiff and shiny and looks like a bad window treatment from the 90s!

Katie Holmes!

I like this color on her but the cut of the neck on this makes it look like a sports gown. Also, do you think at any point in the evening Katie Holmes realized she forgot to get her hair done?

Paz de la Huerta!

Are we in a middle school production of Once On This Island? I mean, there's bronzer and then there's the wrong shade of foundation. Combine that with a semi-mullet dress and a sullen expression and this is what you get. Which is delightful to me, of course.

Thomas Jane!

Chicken. Feet. Feet of chicken. And far too much suit. Also, chicken feet.

Paula Abdul!

While Paula Abdul may have never been drunk in her life, I think her dress is. Why is it on crooked? And why does it look like a country casual Christmas tree from the knees down?

Eva La Rue!

I don't understand this dress and I refuse to try.

Heather Morris!

Hideous. Everything is wrong here. Okay, I'll admit the color is pretty on her, but that's as far as I can go. This is really really bad.

Olivia Munn!

How is it possible to choose a dress that makes you look big when you are, in fact, wee? This is the least flattering thing I have ever seen her wear. Burn this dress, Olivia!

Alan Cumming!

Oh girl, oh no.

Jayma Mays!

Yes, Jayma, you're the prettiest princess. Now go back to playing with your dolls - Mommy's trying to blog.

Kelly Macdonald!

It's heartening to know that Kelly Mac is just as depressed by her ensemble as I am.

Taraji Henson!

OMG! I have that same nightgown! (Just kidding, I wouldn't buy that nightgown.)

New Charlies Angels and Drew Barrymore!

Minka Kelly - dowager chic.
Middle Girl - you can't see it in this picture but she chose to pair that beautiful dress with an Al Pacino-style headband!
Blondie - boring but I love that haircut.
Drew Barrymore - GAH!!! What in the name of Bed Bath and Beyond is that!? Oh my god, Drew! No! Noooooooo!

Heidi Klum!

How come no one told me that Saloon Girl was the big look for Fall?!

Gwyneth Paltrow!

Four words: Midriff. Macramé. Evening. Gown. (AND it's too tight in the waist, making our Gwynnie look like she's got something a little extra, which we all know is total bullshit.)