This morning as I was going through my ritual, I realized that I am pretty mean to myself every day.
First, while the water for the shower warms up, I rip tiny hairs out of my eyebrow area. I tug at the skin between my eyebrows and pull hairs out. I scrape against the space above my eyes to get at those little hairs that aren't quite ready to emerge, forcing them to show themselves and be sacrificed.
Then, while showering, I first sand down my body with a stone and a rough bristled brush. And then! I drag a razor over my legs and armpits. A razor. Metal. Dragging across my skin.
Once out of the shower, I tug a comb through my tangled hair. I put alcohol on my face. I pull more tiny hairs out of my eyebrow area. And then I slather the whole thing down in thick cream made of god knows what.
And then, on special days, I force my thighs into spandex, shove my toes into the point of shoes, put at least 4 different kinds of sprays and concoctions on my hair, blast hot air at my head and then poke metal through my earlobes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, y'all - I look good today.