Saturday, March 5, 2016

Oscars 2016 Rundown: The WTF!

Welcome back, fashion fans! We are coming to the end of our Oscars coverage, which is always a little sad, but never fear! We still haven't done the SAGs! Before we get into the last of our Oscar looks, I'd like to remind you that sometimes the WTF is in a bad way and sometimes the WTF is in an awesome way. With that said, away we go!


Jared Leto!
I can't decide if I'm more offended that the detail on his smoking slippers clashes with the piping on his tux or that he wore a carnation instead of tie. Either way, I never thought I would write that sentence so there you go.

Lady Gaga!
I saw this from the side and was like OOOH YES and then I saw it from the front and I was like OH. PANTS. But it's not just pants, it's pants presented under a proscenium skirt. Quite apart from the surprise pants, she appears to be just a few seconds away from going tits ahoy.

Kevin Hart (seen here with Eniko Parrish)!
She is beyond lovely (and look - ankle straps) and he is... wearing a bedazzled tux. 

Kate Capshaw (seen here with Steven Spielberg)!
What in the name of Diane and/or Buster Keaton is going on here? And what of this look is the most WTF - is it the oversized pants? The belly bib? The unfortunate wig? Or is it the fatal combination of the three?

Pharrell (seen here with Helen Lasichanh)!
Pharrell will lower his pant length by half with each red carpet appearance. Just a few more to go until we hit the shoes! I'm guessing Helen was like, "If you're only going to show your ankles, I'm only going to show my shoulders."

Sandy Powell!
Some of us are taking the loss of David Bowie harder than others.

Jenny Beavan!

From the back? Amazingly badass!

From the front, I'm getting a strong Mad Eye Moody vibe. All in all, I'd call this one of those awesome WTF looks.

La Klum!
I cannot look at this dress without laughing. Here's my version of what happened. First there was a lot of cotton candy. Then the cotton candy formed an overly fussy mid-1970s-era gown. THEN someone got hungry and started pulling at some of the candy dress, but they only got one sleeve and a little bit of the middle. Finally, a couple of flowers were blowing in the wind and got stuck to the dress. That is the only explanation I can imagine for what is happening here.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Oscars 2016 Rundown: The Bad!

My dear readers, I know you love The Bad but it really does break my heart. I want so much better for all of the women you are about to see, with the possible exception of Louise Roe who I am really only featuring on the rundown for one reason. You'll see why. 


Olivia Wilde!
Remember when we talked about Charlize's dress and I said there were two versions, the good and the yikes? Welcome to the yikes. The pleats on this dress look exactly like the lampshades in my parents' living room, the construction on the deep plunge comes off more "sexy overalls" than "sexy halter" and the choker! The choker is a big part of what's wrong here and I'll tell you why: it cuts her into pieces and makes her appear boxy. You have horizontal line on the neck, two vertical lines down the torso, another horizontal line at the waist, and just barely an a-line skirt. She looks square and she most certainly is not square. YOU DESERVE BETTER OLIVIA.

Patricia Arquette!
Someday someone is going to figure out how to dress this one in a way that flatters her breasts and fits her waist. This is not that day. YOU DESERVE BETTER PATTY! (But you are also like a hair away from being put on probation, so watch it!)

Priyanka Chopra!
Definitely CUAN and as for the dress-  I mean, what?! This is definitely the formal wear version of a sexy ice skating costume, right? (The song for this routine is "Let It Go," by the way - there's a big triple axel at the key change. It's absolutely inspiring.) YOU DESERVE BETTER PRIYANKA!

Rachel McAdams!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no. YOU DESERVE BETTER REGINA!

Daisy Ridley!
Well this is unflattering. The color is unremarkable for her, the dress itself seems at once unfinished and heavy, the gym hair isn't helping, and that is the silliest little ruffle I've ever seen. My biggest complaint is length + shoes. So the dress ends, then it ends again, and then an inch later there's an ankle strap. It's too many horizontal lines down the leg and it stumpifies her. She is not exactly wee (internet says 5'7), but she looks so short! YOU DESERVE BETTER DAISY!

Emily Blunt!
I don't know if it's the color or the design but this gown reminds me of the bedspread in a little girl's room. I mean, the fanciest little girl you've ever met - the kind whose bedspread would have crystals all over it. I do not understand choosing this dress when there are so many options for red carpet maternity wear these days. YOU DESERVE BETTER EMILY! 

Jennifer Lawrence!
This is a whole Kiss of the Spider Woman/goth princess/ancient cartography THING happening. And none of it is good. YOU DESERVE BETTER JEN!

Mindy Kaling!
Ugh, oh boy. First let's talk about the fact that Mindy's head is absolutely flawless - definitely the best makeup and hair I've seen on her in a while. This dress isn't offensive other than the fact that is does not fit her at all and that is so unfortunate. You know why it's really unfortunate? Because the back is AMAZING.
(Look - more ankle straps! Pull them out from the back of your closet!) I know exactly why she chose this dress and I really, truly wish it fit her better.  MINDY, OF EVERYONE HERE, YOU REALLY DESERVE FAR BETTER THAN THIS!

Louise Roe!
Do you see now why we had to include this look? I mean besides the flat hair and terrible color, there's the whole labia dumpling ruffle to contend with. LOUISE, YOU DESERVE.... THIS:

That, my dear readers, is a Full Patton.

(h/t to Reader Kate for pointing out Louise Roe!)


Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Oscars 2016 Rundown: The Meh!

Buckle up, fashion fans - we have a lot of mediocre looks to get through! 


Brie Larson!
I saw a lot of love expressed for this gown, but I am not in the love camp. I love this color on her, I love the visual interest the sheer accents give to the top, I love the fit, but I do not love this ruffle effect that makes it look like she's being held up by the gentle pulsations of many jellyfish, and that belt is A Strong Choice. 

Kerry Washington!
This is a bit on the nose, wouldn't you say, gladiators? While I realized long ago that Kerry's stylist and I have different ideas about what constitutes a great look for Kerry Washington, my only real trouble with this is the straps on her leather breastplate seem wonky, which makes things look off and weird. Okay, I guess I also have a little trouble with the fact that we can say leather breastplate in reference to this dress.

Cate Blanchett!
The color and the fit are just an absolute dream but I cannot look at this and not see a $10,000 wedding cake.

Alicia Vikander!
The middle-part, half-up hair was a real trend this year, huh? I don't love it, personally, but I do think half-up looks very sweet on Alicia. This dress is so pretty until you get to the bottom and realize it's just a duvet cover and most of the duvet shifted down to the bottom. Also, I think there is a time and a place for lucite heels, but the Oscars is neither that time nor that place. In conclusion, love the color, love the detail on the dress, love the idea of the hair, CUAN.

Reese Witherspoon!
I am so sick of seeing this silhouette on Reese, especially when it Could Use A Necklace. Please please please change it up, girl.

Kate Winslet!
This is a really cool dress except that it is highly reminiscent of an oil slick (or pvc fetishwear, depending on what your lifestyle and interests are like). The hair really feels like an afterthought here, just sort of flat and hanging. If we're keeping it down (to avoid wearing a necklace I guess?), then at least give it some oomph. Add some hair, girl - it's the Oscars! Extensions are your friend!

Isla Fisher!
It's definitely pretty and this is a great neckline for her, but the fabric is slightly odd and kind of boring. I don't know, you guys, it's just not working for me and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's the color of the dress. 

Adepero Aduye!
This is fabulous and just a few tweaks away from perfect. Here's my fix - lengthen the hem to the floor, remove the choker and join the straps to a full halter. Loving this exposed shoulder cape, love the hair, adore the bracelet. 

Margot Robbie!
Tell me something I don't know, Margot Robbie.

Eddie Redmayne (seen here with Hannah Redmayne)!
Only the truly British would show up in a skinny velvet tux with matching smoking slippers. I continue to be delighted by Eddie's very normal-person wife, though I am perplexed by this dress. I have a feeling it's not very flattering, but I can't tell with her hair like that. At the very least they have a velvet theme to their evening.

Amy Poehler!
I mean, I see what she was going for, but this is really more of an Independent Spirit Awards kind of dress. The dress is absolutely gorgeous but it's too long on her and, quite unfortunately, the truth is the dress is wearing her. 

Julianne Moore!
It's not offensive, which is really saying something for Julianne. Love the top, but the lace on the dress feels matronly. I really like both the earrings and the bracelet but they do not talk to one another, and of the two, the earrings really talk to the dress. Grading on a curve, this isn't bad. But it's not great, either.

Rooney Mara!
I can't tell if this is an ode to white ink tattoos or delicately embroidered tablecloths, but something is going on here that is boggling my mind. Also why is everyone obsessed with Posh Spice ankle strap heels right now? Another trend I do not understand. But, even with her Rey-from-Star-Wars hair and mid-torso peekaboo curtains, I have to say - it fits her like a glove and this is exactly Rooney Mara. Stay gold, Ponyboy.

Sarah Silverman!
I am not entirely convince this dress isn't a sculpture she is just holding in front of her naked body. Stiff, tight, and sort of snoozy.

Whoopi Goldberg!
I am not horrified, nor am I impressed. Let's start with perfection - Whoopi's head is perfection - lovely makeup, great earrings, perfect hair. I love the structured taffeta skirt on this. I've been looking at this dress for a couple of days to try to figure out what about it isn't working for me and I think I finally got it. I think this was a strapless gown and Whoopi asked for sleeves to be added. And I think the way the sleeves were added is awkward, whereas if they started just slightly farther down the arm, in line with the original neckline of the dress, it would have been more successful (and we would be able to see more of her chestpiece/sleeve/whatever ink she has). That's what isn't working for me. You know what is very much working for me?
Awesome, awesome, awesome.