Oscars 2016 Rundown: The Bad!

My dear readers, I know you love The Bad but it really does break my heart. I want so much better for all of the women you are about to see, with the possible exception of Louise Roe who I am really only featuring on the rundown for one reason. You'll see why. 

THE BAD

Olivia Wilde!

Remember when we talked about Charlize's dress and I said there were two versions, the good and the yikes? Welcome to the yikes. The pleats on this dress look exactly like the lampshades in my parents' living room, the construction on the deep plunge comes off more "sexy overalls" than "sexy halter" and the choker! The choker is a big part of what's wrong here and I'll tell you why: it cuts her into pieces and makes her appear boxy. You have horizontal line on the neck, two vertical lines down the torso, another horizontal line at the waist, and just barely an a-line skirt. She looks square and she most certainly is not square. YOU DESERVE BETTER OLIVIA.

Patricia Arquette!

Someday someone is going to figure out how to dress this one in a way that flatters her breasts and fits her waist. This is not that day. YOU DESERVE BETTER PATTY! (But you are also like a hair away from being put on probation, so watch it!)

Priyanka Chopra!

Definitely CUAN and as for the dress-  I mean, what?! This is definitely the formal wear version of a sexy ice skating costume, right? (The song for this routine is "Let It Go," by the way - there's a big triple axel at the key change. It's absolutely inspiring.) YOU DESERVE BETTER PRIYANKA!

Rachel McAdams!

Oh girl, oh no. No no no. YOU DESERVE BETTER REGINA!

Daisy Ridley!

Well this is unflattering. The color is unremarkable for her, the dress itself seems at once unfinished and heavy, the gym hair isn't helping, and that is the silliest little ruffle I've ever seen. My biggest complaint is length + shoes. So the dress ends, then it ends again, and then an inch later there's an ankle strap. It's too many horizontal lines down the leg and it stumpifies her. She is not exactly wee (internet says 5'7), but she looks so short! YOU DESERVE BETTER DAISY!

Emily Blunt!

I don't know if it's the color or the design but this gown reminds me of the bedspread in a little girl's room. I mean, the fanciest little girl you've ever met - the kind whose bedspread would have crystals all over it. I do not understand choosing this dress when there are so many options for red carpet maternity wear these days. YOU DESERVE BETTER EMILY! 

Jennifer Lawrence!

This is a whole Kiss of the Spider Woman/goth princess/ancient cartography THING happening. And none of it is good. YOU DESERVE BETTER JEN!

Mindy Kaling!

Ugh, oh boy. First let's talk about the fact that Mindy's head is absolutely flawless - definitely the best makeup and hair I've seen on her in a while. This dress isn't offensive other than the fact that is does not fit her at all and that is so unfortunate. You know why it's really unfortunate? Because the back is AMAZING.

(Look - more ankle straps! Pull them out from the back of your closet!) I know exactly why she chose this dress and I really, truly wish it fit her better.  MINDY, OF EVERYONE HERE, YOU REALLY DESERVE FAR BETTER THAN THIS!

Louise Roe!

Do you see now why we had to include this look? I mean besides the flat hair and terrible color, there's the whole labia dumpling ruffle to contend with. LOUISE, YOU DESERVE.... THIS:

That, my dear readers, is a Full Patton.

(h/t to Reader Kate for pointing out Louise Roe!)