Thursday, May 12, 2016

Met Ball 2016: The WTF!

My dear readers, we are now at the end of our Met Gala coverage. The WTF is a truly special category for this event because it is not necessarily bad, it's just mind-boggling. Shall we break our brains?


Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen!
Long live the queens of the WTF. Do you think they flip a coin to determine which of them will be Big Edie and which will be Little Edie each day? Ashley got Little Edie this time, good for her.

Michelle Williams!
Hi, my name is Michelle and I'll be taking care of you tonight. It's still happy hour for 10 more minutes and margaritas are $2 off!

Kate Hudson!
The construction on this gown is unbelievable but I have to share Lady Gaga's "girl wut" in the background there; girlfriend is wearing bedazzled paper.

Zoe Kravitz!
I have no idea what I'm looking at but I cannot stop looking. Is it wings? A butterfly? Perhaps the world's largest butt bow? I don't care because I'm captured by her spell. CAPTURED!

Michelle Monaghan!
Surgical adhesive tape and multi-length pleather skirts. Was this a Project Runway challenge? Okay, for real though, this dress was made from recycled bottles, so that's pretty cool. The only problem is that it LOOKS like it was made from recycled bottles. I don't award points for effort, Monaghan!

Jemima Kirke!
I mean, if I did award points for effort.... actually, no. Not even then. 

What fresh hell is this? Go stand with Alicia Vikander and think about what you've done.

Emma Watson!
Hair: yes. Makeup: yes. Top: yes yes yes. Bottom: are... those...pants...with a train? That are too big on her? YES BUT IN THE OTHER WAY. Sad yes.

Sarah Jessica Parker!
Speaking of pants... GIRL WUT. This is dress code level Advanced Business Casual which is inappropriate for the Met Gala. Additionally none of it really goes together. The shoes don't even match EACH OTHER! (I'll admit to you, my dear readers, that my first thought was that those sleeves would make it hard to eat soup. Because there is so much soup consumed at the Met Ball, obvs.) I am glad that SJP got her makeup on point for the theme. Nothing says fashion in the age of technology like showing up with cyborg eyes.

Kanye West (seen here with Kim Kardashian)!
Speaking of speaking of pants and cyborg eyes... NOPE. You may not wear jeans and a tshirt to the Met Gala! I do not care how much bling is on your jacket! Good day sir. (But for real I love the idea of eye color as accessory - that's pretty neat.) 

Nicki Minaj!
Nicki Minaj: An ode to belts. In other news, look in the background!!!!That's the farthest apart I've ever seen them photographed!

Madonna was like "I heard Nicki Minaj is going to do upscale bondage. WELL I'LL SHOW HER!" Madge, what are you doing. What, what, what are you doing? Look at your boobs, look at your choices. 

Rita Ora!
I applaud Rita Ora for letting her bush grow out.

OH YES I DID JUST PUT BEYONCE RIGHT AFTER RITA ORA (even though that rumor probably isn't true)! So this dress. Oy Bey. It looks like she's wearing the bejeweled skin of her victims. The reason this falls here is because she is giving us an amazing year (Beyonce does not have years, she gives them to us mortals) and I expected a real showstopper at Met Gala. Then again, she's failed here before. I'm just sort of disappointed about the look. But not about the puffed sleeves. Puffed sleeves 4EVA.

And, finally, my dear readers, the greatest and best thing I have perhaps ever seen...

Julie Macklowe!
Space age Picasso one-piece full length pantsuit? BUT OF COURSE. You, lady, are a piece of work.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Met Ball 2016: The Bad!

You take the good, you take


Amy Schumer!
Oh dear god. First of all, if people were constantly discussing MY body, I would never wear a gown that looks like I hulked out of it and had to pin it together. Secondively, the chains look low-rent (which I don't get because they are seriously the exact same chains as Taraji Henson rocked at the 2015 Emmys). Thirdly, the bag and shoe combo is deadly poison. Girl, the call is coming from inside the dress. Get out of there.

Margot Robbie!
This is deeply boring and it's too big on her. Kind of dig the bracelets of submission, but other than that it looks like she woke up from a too-long nap and did a reenactment of the first 5 minutes of Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Rachel McAdams!
You can tell how old Rachel's dress is by counting the rings. This would be a very fashion-forward costume design for Cinderella's Mother in Into the Woods. (That's an exceptionally specific musical theatre comment. I think it's great but your milage may vary.)

Tavi Gevinson!
Not only terribly underdressed but in this dress? Kids these days.

Alicia Vikander!
This decoupage disaster makes Tavi's dress look extremely high fashion. GURL WUT.

Chloe Grace Moretz!
One of the more unflattering gowns of the evening.

Another one of the more unflattering gowns of the evening. Hair is killing it, though.

Kate Bosworth!
And then Kate Bosworth showed up dressed as a medieval goblet.

Dakota Fanning!
My audition for the sequel to The Craft starts NOW goddamnit!

Sienna Miller!
This looks like an overly fussy Christmas gift. The booby bow is the finishing touch. Happy holidays!

Amber Valletta!
Poor Amber Valletta. Same hair and earrings as Kim Kardashian and a less-dramatic peacock interpretation than Zoe Saldana. But wait: do you see the mesh face/breathing hole in her torso? Maybe this is someone wearing an Amber Valletta costume?  IT COULD BE TRUE.

Elle Fanning!
I call this look My Sister's Prom Gown.

Freida Pinto!
I'm pretty sure I saw this smock in a Jonestown documentary. Whatever you do, Freida, do not consume any beverages!

Naomi Watts!
And that's what it looks like when a disco ball contracts HPV. 

Rose Byrne!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Met Ball 2016: The Meh!

My dear readers, I hope you are somewhere comfortable. We have a LOT of Meh today. Let's dive in shall we?


Allison Williams!
I was very close to loving this, but the more I looked at it, the more it looked like wallpaper one might purchase from a Delia*s catalogue.

Selena Gomez!
Speaking of Delia*s, I'm pretty sure everything you see here was sold there. She looks great, it's just not the right look for the event.

Naomie Harris!

Excellent gown, gorgeous fit. Unfortunately she's a year too late theme-wise.

Cindy Crawford!
Totally on-theme, hugely unflattering.

Jessica Chastain!
This is so frustrating! Loving this silhouette and color for her, but the furry baseboards on this dress look like something out of a pinterest fail, and it's just not the right look for this year's gala. 

Taylor Swift!
Punk was the theme in 2013. This is what she wore then:

Somebody get me a time machine and a garment rack. I think these looks should switch.

Kerry Washington!
Classiest hooker in the wild wild west.

Kris Jenner!
....and the madam of the brothel. 

Katie Holmes!
Guys, why does Katie Holmes always appear to be melting?

Kate Upton!
The less interesting version of what Zendaya had going on.

Karlie Kloss!
The trying-too-hard version of Naomi Campbell's look.

Kendall Jenner!
And the less successful version of Alessandra Ambrosio's macrame...situation. Now, I hear you wondering why this is not in the Bad since it is the sartorial equivalent of a sack meant for the carrying of oranges or similar and I don't disagree with you. The thing is, this is a provocative dress perfectly executed. I appreciate the work that went into making this look happen as well as it did, and so it rests in the Meh.

Hailee Steinfeld!
It's drooping up top, making the fit in the torso look off, and the fit in the bottom seems to be just a skosh snug. This is the wrong necklace for this look, and indeed I am not digging this color gold as accent. I see how everything works on paper, but the execution is wanting.

Emily Ratajkowski!
Beautiful model wears long piece of fabric, story at 11.

And now I present to you the parade of absolutely beautiful gowns that are far too tame to be on the red carpet at the Met Ball!

Mindy Kaling!
Great (boring) look for her. Could Use a Necklace.

Misty Copeland!
I would call this "just okay." CUAN.

Blake Lively!
From the annals of Natalie Portman pregnancy couture, I presume. 

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley!
Looks amazing! Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Uma Thurman!

Emily Blunt!
Beautiful, but standard.

And thus concludes the gowns that are fantastic but on the wrong red carpet.

Zoe Saldana!
She is the best goddamn peacock at the Metropolitan Museum of Art Gala. Who the hell are you? Nobody.

Anna Wintour!
I am consistently embarrassed by what Anna Wintour wears to the Met Ball. However, at least this one fits her well.

Kim Kardashian (seen here with Kanye West)!
I totally see what she is going for but I want more out of the skirt. The breastplate armor up top is seriously cool and very strange and then it's just sort of basic Vegas on the bottom. I think she could have gone further. As for Kanye... well, we'll get to him later.