Thursday, January 22, 2015

Miss Universe brought back the National Costume Category!

My dear readers, you may or may not be aware that a) the Miss Universe pageant still happens and/or b) they stopped doing the National Costume part of the competition recently. Well it still happens and the National Costumes are BACK! If you've never seen this, you are in for a TREAT. It's basically the Sexy ____ of national pride. Let's see what kind of A games the contestants brought this year!

Miss South Africa!
It goes without saying that all of these women are stunning and poised in front of the cameras and audience. On the scale of National Costumes, this is classy and refined. Don't believe me?

Miss Venezuela!
Venezuela: land of fancy showgirl treees.

Miss Japan!
Did I mention that props are permitted and encouraged? Like, you know, SPEARS?

Miss Australia!
Awkward does not begin to describe the blonde white girl wearing a costume called "Aboriginal Dreamtime sunset."

Miss Ireland!
Sexy Iron Throne.

Miss Korea!
You guys, my mom definitely had a t-shirt from EPCOT Center with this same print.

Miss Chile!
This is the equivalent of the one girl at the Halloween party who has an awesome costume but feels depressed because she's not dressed "sexy." Even though she's definitely wearing spurs, which is incredible.

Miss Kosovo!
Well, it's a version of the Kosovo traditional dress.

St. Lucia
Ditto St. Lucia.

Miss Switzerland!
Oh come on, Switzerland! Did you even TRY?!

Miss USA!
That's more like it! Stars and stripes forever! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Miss Ecuador!
PROPS. Also, looking at this ensemble has made me begin to ponder an important question: how hard is it to decide what kind of shoes to wear with these national costumes? The nude platform pumps seem a little weird here but what else would one choose?

Miss France!
You guys - how tall is she? Also, I absolutely love the fact that she's wearing a beret. Because France.
Edited to add: Thank you to Reader Katya for pointing out what I missed: The Eiffel Tower is leading straight up to her la hooha. Fantastique. 

Miss India!
This is gorgeous and amazing. I have nothing mean to say at all. I am in awe of this costume. If it wasn't for Canada, you would be the winner, Miss India.


Miss Jamaica!
It's like legs legs legs legs legs FEATHERS teenytinyhead.

Miss Lithuania!
If Cinderella dressed as Rihanna for Halloween.

Miss Dominican Republic!
I guess you can't really show off your rack while dressed as (and wearing a photo of) your country's patron saint.

Miss Spain!
Showing off the rack while dressed as medieval royalty is totally appropriate, though.

Miss Russia!
WOW. You guys, I'm wearing this to my wedding.

Miss Portugal!
Or this. I can't decide. (PS - check it out - PERFECT shoes.)

Miss Sri Lanka!
I was really afraid we'd go through this whole competition without a vagina waterfall. PHEW.

Miss Great Britain!
That is straight up a Sexy Beefeater costume. If you are going to be so OBVIOUS about it, please be more like Canada.

Are you ready?

You are not ready.

It's so good. Here she is..........

Miss Canada! The Best Costume Ever!

Thursday, January 15, 2015

2015 Golden Globes: The WTF

Did you guys see that the Oscar Nomination came out today? That's a lot of white people! Like...they're all white. And the directors are all men. And except for one dude they are all white American men. WOW. How about that.

Oh right, on to the frivolity.


Jennifer Lopez!
While I appreciate the fact the she constantly looked as though she was emerging from a billowing curtain, it's time for JLo to get a new schtick. As Reader Amy pointed out, the deep V works for smaller-breasted women and here's a great example of why: otherwise you get this horrible "dress poking into the boob" look all night. The eye makeup really puts this over the top in to terror territory for me.

Those pants are FAR from fitting her, but perhaps more importantly, we are not in Madonna's "Express Yourself" video, Lorde.

Jane Fonda!
Some horrible disease seems to be eating away at Jane Fonda's dress, causing her to hold it together with bejeweled safety pins. Stay strong, Jane! You'll get through this!

Julianne Moore!
Remember, please, that the WTF is not always a bad WTF. Sometimes it is fabulous AND crazy. Like this. Head to thighs it's all sorts of age-appropriate Fembot. Thighs down it's silver being spun into feathers. AND YET! She looks better than she's looked in ages. Brava, Julianne.

Emma Stone!
Another one for the fabulous AND crazy column. This is amazingly chic, actually... except for the inexplicable sash of no purpose. Why in the world would you want to negotiate pants AND a train? The mind reels.

Claire Danes!
She looks like she's wearing unflattering sand art.

Keira Knightly!

Rosamund Pike!
She looks like a half-dressed paper doll. If this wasn't so horrifying it would be the second most hilarious look of the night.

Alan Cumming!
First most hilarious look of the night. And yes, even though he is wearing an entire suit the color of his skin, I cannot help but thinking this is AMAZINGLY FABULOUS. Stay gold, Ponyboy.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

2015 Golden Globes: The Bad!

When it was bad, it was oh so bad. I don't have a LOT to say about most of these, honestly. Buckle up, my dear readers. There are some truly cringeworthy frocks ahead!


Amy Adams!
The gown itself is fairly basic and not terribly offensive. I'm having major problems with this color, though. Periwinkle is not your friend, Amy Adams! And those dye to match shoes aren't doing you any favors either. Ugh, every time I see this gown I get more and more angry because the fit is so lovely and it's just RUINED by color.

Taylor Schilling!
This is the gown equivalent of the I Have No Idea What I'm Doing dog. 

Emily Blunt!
I hate the top of this so, so much. It looks so unfinished and unflattering. Hate. Haaaaaate. (Love the jewelry.)

Zosia Mamet!
Hahahahahah WUT. No, go home. This is embarrassing.

Lana Del Rey!
Priscilla Presley IS the Little Mermaid at Studio 54! She wants to be part of your disco world!

Robin Wright!
This feels half-assed and looks sloppy and boring. I think I liked it better when she was pretending to be David Bowie minus feet.

Tina Fey!
Here it is: Tina Fey's first joke of the night. Seriously, though, cut it at that awkward balloon hem and add a necklace and some opaque black tights and wear it to the Independent Spirit Awards. THAT would be adorable.

Maggie Gyllenhaal!
Too tight in the waist, too small in the bust, a bad color for her, and those horrible darts make her look like the owner of the biggest nipples in Hollywood. This whole thing is a mess.

Natasha Lyonne!
Needs a bigger blowout, a far more interesting bag, and a dress that fits.

Lupita Nyong'o!
My dear readers, you know this pains me. That dress, though - oy. I get what we're going for but I hate it a lot. From far away it looks like the dress gives up about halfway down. Close up, there are fake flowers all over her torso.

Patricia Arquette!
Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Sienna Miller!
It doesn't fit and it looks unfinished. Sienna, I don't know who told you you were edgy but I wish you hadn't believed them. Just once I'd love to see you in showstopping glamour.

Dakota Johnson!
Look at her trying so hard. Who made you try this hard, lady? Simple is your friend. Liberace's bedroom curtains are not.

Melissa McCarthy!
Fun fact: the technical term for what is around her neck is "pussy bow." I dislike pussy bows. I dislike this look for Melissa McCarthy. By A LOT. You guys know how I love a puffed sleeve, but the spinster principal look at the Golden Globes is a hard NO. 

Chrissy Teigen!
The overworked pink crochet codpiece is one of the funniest and perhaps most tragic things we saw on the red carpet. 

Kerry Washington!
I did not know they made dresses out of hammered tin! 

OMFG Kristen Wiig!
Guys, why is Kristen Wiig dressed as a 1970s teenage bride? I want to know what events led her to putting this dress on her body and keeping it on. On the Patton scale, this is a SOLID 8.