Friday, February 27, 2015

Oscars 2015 Fashion Rundown: The WTF!

We're finally here and holy mother of god, do we have some real headscratchers this time around. Have you been wondering where certain people are in the other piles? Look no further fella, you found em!


Marion Cotillard!
From the front, it's fiiiiiiine if a little boring. Initially, I noted the extra fabric behind the waist and wondered if perhaps there was a cape on this dress. I was really excited about the possibility of a cape! Cape-ibility. (I'll show myself out.) And then she turned around...

NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. This is the worst possible outcome when hoping for a cape. Bunchy under-butt bustle? I said good day sir.

David Oyelowo!
Unlike some people I watched the awards with, I have no problem with the color of this tux. It's a gorgeous color on him, though I wish it was just the tiniest bit bigger in the arms. Like by a millimeter. Where is goes seriously WTF for me is the far too bright red vest and bowtie. Why. No really, someone tell me why one would ever pair claret with brick. Or maybe I'm just seeing the wrong color like that hideous dress people keep talking about. Also the lady in red in the back there needs a better bra because she's got the dubble bubble that plagues so many of us.

Keira Knightley!
This is the fashion equivalent of letting your "artistic" friend decorate your cast. Every time I look at this I make the same face. It is this face:

Jared Leto!
hahahahahahahhahahahaha WUT.

No seriously guys. Why is he wearing periwinkle doll clothes with orthopedic shoes and late-career Bee Gees head? The mind reels.

Gwyneth Paltrow!
My brain went: "Uh how boring....wait...a...minute...what's on her...shoul--

Hands down the most insane look of the night in a color she keeps trying to make work. On a scale of One to Patton, this is strangely similar to OG Patton, yes?

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Oscars 2015 Fashion Rundown: The Bad!

From curtains to aprons to retro prom gowns, we've got it all here in The Bad. Also, we have one dress that makes my head want to explode. Place your bets now and away we go!


Sienna Miller!
First of all, I generally dislike navy with black, but that's a personal preference. More importantly, why does her dress have lattice work at the bottom? I'm very confused about the vertical piping, especially when paired with the twee velvet bows of death. Basically, I hate this so hard.

Patricia Arquette!
Let's pretend Patty didn't ruin her great "equal pay for women" rah-rah speech with some very non-helpful comments in the press room after. And anyway, the dress. I mean, it mostly fits and it's only half an inch short, so that's okaaaaaay. It's just that it's completely unflattering. I don't get it with her. She either goes boobs berserk or modesty curtains. The cut on the top of this dress does nothing to flatter her, instead making her appear far wider than she is. The hair is an abomination that I shall discuss no further.

Chrissy Teigen (with cutiepie John Legend)!
Honestly, I love her. She's got the greatest reaction face of all time, she's married to the cutiepie of the century, and obviously she's gorgeous. But this dress? With the plunge? And the slit? And the shoes? All I can say is ... oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Nicole Kidman!
Wrapping paper, barbie grandma shoes, the wrongest bag possible, patent leather belt, crappy blowout. All together it looks cheap and thrown together without thought.

Chloe Grace Moretz!
Girlfriend either lost her hands in a tragic blender accident or is trying to hide a pregnancy. Why else in the world would she insist on posing like this on the red carpet and then doing it again during the telecast? Also that dress is frumpy and looks like bedcurtains from Colonial Williamsburg.

Zoe Saldana!
Seriously, like 70% of the girls at my prom wore this. In 1998. The straps are a large part of the problem here. Hate the color, hate the vagina waterfall draping in front, and what the hell is happening with the length of this dress?! (Dig the necklace, though.)

Naomi Watts!
Sexy kitchen apron in the theme of "brick wall leading into Diagon Alley*."

Felicity Jones!
Oh my god you guys I hate this so much it actually makes me angry to look at it. First, that color is terrible on her. Second, omfg the neckline is SO unflattering and SO unnecessary. Third, it looks so heavy and that makes me uncomfortable as a viewer of the fashions. Third it's like it wants to be diamond breastplate fembot Cinderella and all that just makes me .... AAARGGHAGHAHGGHG

*(h/t to Reader Katya for Diagon Alley)

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Oscars 2015 Fashion Rundown: The Meh!

Welcome to the Meh, friends. It's pretty hefty this year so buckle up tight and away we go!


Rosamund Pike!
This was very close to being in the Good pile. I kind of love that she went literal on the Rose in her name with this dress. The front is great - interesting construction, excellent detail work, great fit. She starts to lose me with the yoga hair but my real problem is this pop of bright red at the waist. Intrigued, I looked further.

Nope. Waist cinchers go under the dress, not as part of the dress. Makes her butt look nice, though.

Margot Robbie!
This is another almost for me. I love the dramatic sleeves, the big bright lip, and the juxtaposition of floaty gown with blunt hair and makeup. But. The draping on the dress seems a little loose and sloppy, the necklace (while STUNNING) is wrong for this, and the length on the dress is about an inch long for my tastes.

Jennifer Lopez!
This was somewhat shocking from her and it's definitely a pretty gown that fits gorgeously. I wish it was a different color than that of her skin. I also wish that JLo would realize that this neckline is not meant for big bazongas. It just hurts me to look at said bazongas smooshed like this AGAIN. Jenny! Be nicer to your boobs!

Anna Faris!
Pretty but boring (dress not Anna). I'd love to see her hair half up with big tousled waves on bottom and maybe a navy bag.

Eddie Redmayne and Hannah Bagshawe!
Love a navy tux but I find his jacket to be a skosh tight and the size of his bowtie makes his head look enormous. She looks great except for the feathered saddlebags. Those I will never understand.

Kerry Washington!
Her head looks absolutely amazing and the fit is fabulous but other than that it's Grandma's guest bedroom.

 First things first, where the hell was Gayle? What what Steadman doing there? I thought we were done with that little charade. As for the dress, love the construction, hate the color and the matchy matchy earrings. I love Oprah in a deep, bright purple but I would have settled for a dusky rose or even just a darker peach.

Emma Stone!
I am not convinced that she is pulling off this color. Hate the shoes. Love the head and this silhouette on her.

Did you guys notice that most of the men were wearing brooches? I thought it was quite nice and I hope it's a trend that stays. Common is unstoppably handsome but I'm not loving that bowtie nor do I approve of the hemline on his pants. But don't worry, sir, these are, ahem, common mistakes to make.

Dakota Johnson!
It's fine, it's just kind of boring. I don't love the fit in the midsection. I kind of like the strap but it seems like it needs more than just that strap to make the dress interesting. The hair is a major blah. Also I didn't like the way she talked to her mother (though I am also guilty of sometimes being a super brat to MY mom).

Lady Gaga!
Snoooozefest. You know what would have been really something? Lady Gaga in what Reese Witherspoon wore.

Steve Carell and Nancy Walls!
From far away it's fine but close up you see that his suit is too big and that detail on the waist of her dress is truly unfortunate. It's too wide, and the way it curves is completely unflattering. Total Monet.

Octavia Spencer!
Two of my greatest wishes in life are to never see this color on the red carpet again and for Octavia Spencer to choose a different hairstyle.

Viola Davis!
Make this a strapless dress and it's a homerun. The sleeves (sleeves? arm straps?) make the dress, and therefore Viola, appear wider than it is. On closer inspection, I'd also nip it in juuuuuuuust the tichiest tich in the ribcage. We can all agree that her head is beyond perfection, right? Probably my favorite makeup of the night.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Oscars 2015 Fashion Rundown: The Good!

Thank you for your patience, fashion fans! That was some awards ceremony, huh? Kind of boring, definitely mean spirited, and the fashion was pretty ho-hum across the board. Oh well, we still have some discussion ahead. Before we get into the real rundown, can we just have a moment to collectively acknowledge the stunning power that defies all category: SOLANGE.

Even when I dislike her frock, I can't help but stop for just a moment and appreciate how she impacts a camera.

OH! ALSO!  I don't like to highlight the presenters/press but I am absolutely 100,000% in love with Kelly Osbourne's dress.

I would love this in a dusky rose to wear to my wedding, kthxbai.

Okay, that's enough of that. Let's go!


Jessica Chastain!
I know a lot of you want to fight me on this, but I think she looks fantastic. Super interesting neckline, gorgeous color on her, beautiful necklace. I'm not loving the matchy matchy shoe trend, but other than that I think this is on point.

Jennifer Aniston!
Without a doubt the best she's ever looked at an awards show. Here is "dressing the statue" to acknowledge your snub. The construction on this is absolutely flawless.

Jennifer Hudson!
Only just barely CUAN in my book. This color is heaven on her. Effortless beauty.

Reese Witherspoon!
I think we might fight about this also. I get that it seems Reese can't really move her arms but if we don't really think about that OR about the fact that she looks like she's being censored, it's stunning. That is one of the best fits of the night.

Meryl Streep!
La Streep has a tendency to veer toward Wacky English Teacher territory, but I like this look. It's sort of "I have nothing to prove" mixed with "I like to borrow clothes from Susan Sarandon." Brava - this is breezy and fabulous.

Lupita Nyong'o!
You guys, OF COURSE I LIKE THIS DRESS. It's made entirely of necklaces! Honestly, this is the opposite of breezy but fabulous just the same.

Anna Kendrick!
A personal best for her. Who knew she could pull off this color?! Really impressed.

Sophie Hunter (with Benedict Cumberbatch)!
Impeccably glamorous maternity gown. She just looks perfect. I'm not a Cumberbitch, but I fully acknowledge that many of you are so here he is (and he needs a better tailor).

Laura Dern!
I am not sure why she is so deadset on hiding behind her hair, but other than that this is a majestic look.

Melanie Griffith!
Putting aside the incredibly tense joint interviews (and what Dakota's got going on - we'll get to that), Melanie looks better than she has in years and we grade on a curve. Nice dress, nice styling.

Ava DuVernay!
This dress is just plain cool. Love the color, love the detail on the torso and sleeves, and styling is perfection. Ava and Jen Aniston should have just stood together all night looking fabulous and talking shit about the Academy.

Cate Blanchett!
I didn't love the unfinished seams on the top but that is a minor quibble when you consider how gorgeous everything else here is. THAT NECKLACE.

Julianne Moore!
Grading on a curve, this is a great look for Julianne. I don't love all the darker details in the dress but she brought it.

Chiwetel Ejiofor!
Reliably gorgeous and always wearing a well-cut suit. Here is your pretty for the day!

Scarlett Johansson!
This was my favorite look of the night, hands-down. It's stunningly constructed, it fits like a dream, and the styling is most definitely bringing the drama. Yes, girl, yes.