Thursday, September 26, 2013

Emmys 2013: The WTF!

There are three steps to reading the WTF rundown:

Step one: get some pearls.
Step two: put them on.
Step three: prepare to clutch said pearls.


Amanda Peet!
What in the name of Ghost Hunters is this about? She looks like a creepy doll that's been terrorizing someone's house with bad psychic energy. You guys, what happened to Amanda Peet? I'm truly concerned. Also, you guys, what's going on with this pioneer widow in mourning subtrend? Case in point...

Aubrey Plaza!
Half-Pint at the gravesite.

(Alternately, for those of you more into Disney than Little House,  I'm pretty sure this is the official costume of hostesses at the Haunted Mansion.)

Julianne Hough!
The only possible explanation for this is that she decided to use the Emmys as the stage for her one woman burlesque: Julianne Hough: A Tribute to Waterfalls. Don't go chasing waterfalls, Julianne.


Lily Rabe!
Ladies, I know you've been wondering how you'll pull off that Sexy Two-Face costume this Halloween. Lily Rabe has the answer. Just add disfigurement and a coin!

Kate Mara!
From the front, it's just your typical Kate Mara Has Poor Taste look. A bit side slit, some sheer netting, some adhesive tape detail... no big whoop, just what we've mostly come to expect. And then....
This would be the time to clutch your pearls and think of just how much double stick tape had to sacrifice its life for this monstrosity of a garment.

Melissa Leo!
Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to behold a sight so strange, so horrifying, so utterly monstrous, that I urge you who are easily frightened or upset, who suffer from nervous disorders, weak hearts, or queasy stomachs, who experience nightmares, and any children under the age of 16, to forgo witnessing this exhibit. There are only two kinds of freaks ladies and gentlemen. Those created by God, and those made by man. The creature in this pit is a living breathing human being that once was... well, that's another story that happened a long time ago, a long way from here. Look if you must....

Yes, step right up, ladies and gentlemen, to the greatest show on earth.

*thanks to She Freak for the carnival barker quote

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

2013 Emmys: The Bad!

Batten down the hatches, my dear readers. Bad decisions were made. I'll try to go in some sort of order from Bad to Worse. I'll try.


Vera Farmiga!
Will this woman ever get it right!? She looks like she's melting into a giant pool of unfortunate fashion. None of it works. My biggest problem is that clunky belt. It's totally wrong for the dress and sitting about an inch and a half too high on her waist.

Jessica Lange!
I hate this. Hate is such a strong word. I really hate this. She looks like a Hirschfeld drawing went wrong on her breasts. The hair is an afterthought, too.

Amy Poehler!
Amy, you deserve better and so do we. I mean, seriously: furry hip embellishments? What in the name of Jean-Ralphio is happening here!?And the hair- don't even get me started. The cap sleeves and high neck are really the limit for me - I cannot stand idly by and watch this woman make herself look like this. She looks like she's in mourning and you know, maybe I am too.

Robin Wright!
There's really nothing like a fabric that mimics decorative rattan furniture. Why do I feel like she's trying to hypnotize me? Why would you do that, Robin? I have nothing to offer you.

Jon Hamm (seen here with Egg Jessica Westfeldt)!
Jon Hamm, I implore you for once and for all time: FIND A TUX THAT FITS. And not in white ever ever again because the horror.

Cat Deeley!
Cat Deeley is seen here in an ill-filling tribute to the marine life victims of the Gulf Coast oil spill. May the eternal light shine upon thee, oil coated ducks and sea life. RIP.

Julianna Margulies!
Another year, another floral bedsheet for Julianna. This one doesn't even try to pretend it's not a bed sheet! It's too long, it's not a great color on her, and look at that vast expanse of real estate without any jewelry on it. Julianna, you're killing me. (love your hair, tho.)

Julie Bowen!
Oh my dear god. This is just too much. Somehow this makes my head flit directly to Rococo, which for me is the prime example of "I bet that would be pretty is there was much less of it." I'll bet this started out as a beautiful, simple gown and then things just kept getting added - like the sleeves and the bottom and the corset detailing on the waist and then it just turned into this explosion of femininity that makes me want to barf. Thanks for making me want to barf, Julie.

Mindy Kaling!
Basically, I hate everything about this dress. I hate the color, I hate the fit, I hate the cutouts that I guess are supposed to look like a giant necklace but don't at all, I hate the hair, I really hate the blush her makeup artist used. Mindy, I really like you and much like Miss Amy, you deserve better. Please give a verbal lashing to whomever talked you into the dour and unflattering thing.

Lena Headey!
I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be worn with some kind of lining under it. I mean, I could be wrong... no, scratch that. I'm not wrong. It's a sheer dress with granny panties, nipples, and white heels. What are you, one of my barbies circa 1988? Let me be frank, my dear readers: the white heels are kind of the worst part of this for me. Nipples on the red carpet? Sometimes that happens. Granny panties under sheer skirts? Apparently that's super cool though I do not understand nor do I condone it. White heels with all black? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

La Klum!
The actual dress part is fairly standard for Heidi, but then there's the ... dickey. Is this the formal equivalent of people who wear short sleeve tshirts and a scarf? Or is La Klum just really, really into turtlenecks? I would love to know what Tim Gunn's first thought was when he saw this because I definitely had a moment of:

Claire Danes!
It's an evil color on her, it doesn't fit, she looks like she's about three seconds away from going tits ahoy, and she looks about 7 years older than she is. What is it with starlets choosing to wear dresses that just don't fit? I mean we saw it in pink on Gwyneth when she won the Oscar, we saw it on Jessica Chastain at this year's Golden Globes (remember? that awful baby blue thing?) and now here we are again, with Angela Chase bringing the pain. It hurts my feelings, you guys.

Zosia Mamet!
Maybe her boobs were sleeping and didn't want to be bothered by the light? Maybe she felt like the dress would fall down without a tank top panel to hold it up? I don't know. The only thing I have to say is this:  Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Emmy 2013: The Meh!

Oof, this is going to be a big one. Let's figure out what went wrong, shall we?


January Jones!
Drab, drab, drab. These curtains would be a tastefully girly touch in the home but as a dress they are dreadfully boring. I prefer this over the post-goth black swan look at the Met Ball, but not by much. CUAN, too.

Lena Dunham!
Straight talk: I love the bottom half of this dress. Unexpected color and pattern - very cool. But this dress just isn't right for her. Additionally, I hate her eye makeup with a passion.

Alyson Hannigan!
This really is the worst of the mermaid hair, you guys. To truly pull off the mermaid hair, there must be fullness. I've never been a fan of this silhouette, quite honestly. The only thing that saves this for me is how WONDERFUL she looks in this shade of purple.

Taylor Schilling!
Bright white is not her color. Also, I am deeply unsettled by the high middle slit trend. She can rock that neckline, though, which is also trending.

Leslie Mann!
My only problem is that the dress seems to fade away round about the thighs, much like Marty McFly's brother and sister. If the lining had only gone to the floor, I would have been in love with this dress. And George may have never punched Biff.

Padma Laksmi!
There's something very Diana Prince Goes To An Awards Show about this to me. I'm not sure if it's the gold cuff, the armor-like top of this thing, or the invisible jet. Also, can we just stop already with the midsection cutouts!? (Ugh, just wait till we get to Rose Byrne.)

Carla Gugino!
Midsection cutout camouflaged with football jersey mesh. NEXT.

Kristen Connolly!
Why is she wearing Ikea shower curtains? How could it possibly appear to be too tight and too big? I kind of dig the pattern but there is far too much of it. Great makeup, though.

Melissa Rauch!
So here's something fun: this dress is constructed with fabric to MIMIC mesh football jersey material. I don't know why. I also don't understand what is happening on the side there - is it a train? Is it just a bunch of mushed up fabric? Love the earrings - great color pairing.

Constance Zimmer!
Behold! The fanciest feather duster in all the land!

Cobie Smulders!
We can agree that Cobie Smulders is a made up name, right? Okay, cool. I am not quite understanding the whole "make my boobs look miniscule" bust trend we saw on Sunday night. I think this gown is absolutely gorgeous and then it's got this weird bust detail that immediately diverts my attention away from the dress and makes me sit and wonder for minutes on end whether her boobs really are that small or if it's an illusion. And I'd rather not be worrying about that when the bigger issue is clearly that extraneous train that has got to go. GOWN DESIGNERS OF THE WORLD: stop putting trains on dresses that do not need/want them. Also, Cobie - a necklace would go far with this look. I'm not asking for much, just a little ice on the clavicle.

Elisabeth Moss!
It just looks so heavy. Head is wonderful, though. Keep this makeup artist on speed dial, Bitty. (PS I decided that Elisabeth Moss and I are gal pals and I call her Bitty.)

Laura Dern!
Fussy wallpaper dress and puppydog ears hair. Ugh.

Jessica Pare!
My dear readers, get used to this hemline - it was ALL OVER the Oscar de la Renta show a couple of weeks back. Indeed this is an Oscar, and I have to I'm pretty sure this hemline was invented to keep the shoe designers happy. Not a great shoe choice for this gown - far too heavy and draws the eye down - ESPECIALLY when paired with the crazy bustline. Is it a bow? Is it simply the opposite of the teeny tiny bust thing? (Tangentially, what hath Jennifer Lawrence wrought!?) The color is simply outstanding on her, and though I'd like a necklace, I think maybe it would have been just one more thing going on with this look.

Sarah Silverman!
Raise the hem 3 inches and it's every white girl clomping through Old City on a Saturday night.

Margo Martindale!
She looks completely beautiful but I wish this was a gown. With the appearance of separates, it's only meh. The neckline and sleeves are so gorgeous and I love the color. But let's be real, Margo: that is some mom hair.

Malin Ackerman!

Rose Byrne!
It's a pretty dress until you realize she's wearing a formal sports bra with a skirt from Gap circa 1996.

Sophia Vergara!
Classic Vergara. Deep V strappy top, hip swadling skirt that flares at the knees. The surprising addition here is what Reader Kate very appropriately termed "rainbow snowman earrings."
No thank you - gaudy, heavy, weird.. I said good day, sir!

Michelle Dockery!
See? There's that hemline again. I really want to like this you guys but I just can't quite get there. I don't know if it's the color combination or the fact that she looks like she's wearing an ornamental dance leotard... one of those.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
This is basically her uniform and it works just fine for her, but when the fit is not exactly perfect on a glittery column gown, it shows. CUAN.

Anna Faris!
MY EYES!!!!! MY EYES!!!!! You know, other than the color being absolutely and completely wrong for her, her skin tone, and her hair color -  I think she looks fantastic.

Anna Chlumsky!
So close! She looks super beautiful but.... It's a half a size too small, needs a necklace, and dear god does it ever need to lose those hip-a-rific panels on the side. As a woman with hips (and how) I will never understand the impulse to emphasize one's hips with embellishments.

Emily Deschanel!
Her hair and makeup are astoundingly beautiful and perfect. Her dress, however, was clearly a Helen Mirren reject. I went on a shopping trip this weekend with Reader Jackie and she made several comments about how aging lace can be. She was right.

Edie Falco!
Sportswear neckline and big front middle slit. I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Emilia Clarke!
Dull, unflattering, and looks unfinished. Also, is her head really that much bigger than her body or is it a weird camera angle?

Kerry Washington!
Kerry Washington is perfect in every way. This dress, on the other hand, is trying far too hard to be romantic. This dress is the personification of the guy who texts you every day at the exact same time and has no idea that instead of wooing you he's actually annoying you. Give it a rest, dress!

Merritt Wever!
Oh, Merritt! I love you and your awesome acceptance speech ("I gotta go, bye"). This, though - ugh. It's so great in theory, but in execution it just looks like somebody hit you on your head and your torso was absorbed by your legs. Quite simply, you have been stumpified.

Jane Krakowski!
Ill-fitting, unflattering, and because of all of that it looks kind of cheap. Dude. You're usually on top of this. So disappointed.