Wednesday, September 25, 2013

2013 Emmys: The Bad!

Batten down the hatches, my dear readers. Bad decisions were made. I'll try to go in some sort of order from Bad to Worse. I'll try.


Vera Farmiga!
Will this woman ever get it right!? She looks like she's melting into a giant pool of unfortunate fashion. None of it works. My biggest problem is that clunky belt. It's totally wrong for the dress and sitting about an inch and a half too high on her waist.

Jessica Lange!
I hate this. Hate is such a strong word. I really hate this. She looks like a Hirschfeld drawing went wrong on her breasts. The hair is an afterthought, too.

Amy Poehler!
Amy, you deserve better and so do we. I mean, seriously: furry hip embellishments? What in the name of Jean-Ralphio is happening here!?And the hair- don't even get me started. The cap sleeves and high neck are really the limit for me - I cannot stand idly by and watch this woman make herself look like this. She looks like she's in mourning and you know, maybe I am too.

Robin Wright!
There's really nothing like a fabric that mimics decorative rattan furniture. Why do I feel like she's trying to hypnotize me? Why would you do that, Robin? I have nothing to offer you.

Jon Hamm (seen here with Egg Jessica Westfeldt)!
Jon Hamm, I implore you for once and for all time: FIND A TUX THAT FITS. And not in white ever ever again because the horror.

Cat Deeley!
Cat Deeley is seen here in an ill-filling tribute to the marine life victims of the Gulf Coast oil spill. May the eternal light shine upon thee, oil coated ducks and sea life. RIP.

Julianna Margulies!
Another year, another floral bedsheet for Julianna. This one doesn't even try to pretend it's not a bed sheet! It's too long, it's not a great color on her, and look at that vast expanse of real estate without any jewelry on it. Julianna, you're killing me. (love your hair, tho.)

Julie Bowen!
Oh my dear god. This is just too much. Somehow this makes my head flit directly to Rococo, which for me is the prime example of "I bet that would be pretty is there was much less of it." I'll bet this started out as a beautiful, simple gown and then things just kept getting added - like the sleeves and the bottom and the corset detailing on the waist and then it just turned into this explosion of femininity that makes me want to barf. Thanks for making me want to barf, Julie.

Mindy Kaling!
Basically, I hate everything about this dress. I hate the color, I hate the fit, I hate the cutouts that I guess are supposed to look like a giant necklace but don't at all, I hate the hair, I really hate the blush her makeup artist used. Mindy, I really like you and much like Miss Amy, you deserve better. Please give a verbal lashing to whomever talked you into the dour and unflattering thing.

Lena Headey!
I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be worn with some kind of lining under it. I mean, I could be wrong... no, scratch that. I'm not wrong. It's a sheer dress with granny panties, nipples, and white heels. What are you, one of my barbies circa 1988? Let me be frank, my dear readers: the white heels are kind of the worst part of this for me. Nipples on the red carpet? Sometimes that happens. Granny panties under sheer skirts? Apparently that's super cool though I do not understand nor do I condone it. White heels with all black? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

La Klum!
The actual dress part is fairly standard for Heidi, but then there's the ... dickey. Is this the formal equivalent of people who wear short sleeve tshirts and a scarf? Or is La Klum just really, really into turtlenecks? I would love to know what Tim Gunn's first thought was when he saw this because I definitely had a moment of:

Claire Danes!
It's an evil color on her, it doesn't fit, she looks like she's about three seconds away from going tits ahoy, and she looks about 7 years older than she is. What is it with starlets choosing to wear dresses that just don't fit? I mean we saw it in pink on Gwyneth when she won the Oscar, we saw it on Jessica Chastain at this year's Golden Globes (remember? that awful baby blue thing?) and now here we are again, with Angela Chase bringing the pain. It hurts my feelings, you guys.

Zosia Mamet!
Maybe her boobs were sleeping and didn't want to be bothered by the light? Maybe she felt like the dress would fall down without a tank top panel to hold it up? I don't know. The only thing I have to say is this:  Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

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