Friday, December 16, 2011

Subtle Ways to Be a Total Juicebox

Thanks to reader Alison for posting this on her Facebook wall yesterday:

Top 10 Subtle Ways to Tell Her She's Getting Fat.

Oh yes, it's real. I'll just let that sink in for a moment.

Okay, here's the list:

10. Buy her clothes that are too small.
9. Sign her up for yoga under the pretence [sic] of "stress relief."
8. Set out on your own weight loss plan.
7. Serve her unsatisfactory portions.
6. Improve your own diet.
5. Playfully grab her love handles.
4. Ask her to wear an old dress.
3. Schedule a formal date. [The original #3 was Sabotage her chair, but apparently THAT WENT TOO FAR.]
2. Leave "now" and "then" photos lying around.
1. Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit.

You know,, why stop there? Why not combine a few - make her wear a swimsuit on a formal date with unsatisfactory portions and then grab her love handles? Wouldn't that be most effective? Oh, and if you really want to destroy your girlfriend's self-confidence, be sure to ask talk openly and often about how hot her skinny friends are! It's a surefire hit!

For number 7, here is the actual text: "By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she’s going to do about it." SHAMING HER INTO AN ACKNOWLEDGMENT!

Look. We know when we've put on weight. Even if we don't weigh ourselves regularly, we know how our clothes fit. This isn't something that ever needs to be pointed out to us, not ever. Most likely we are already thinking about it often and aren't feeling too great about it. If a partner tries to shame us into losing weight, there are a few things that might happen: A) Partner is now single, B) "Fat" girlfriend loses self-confidence and perhaps also LIBIDO, C) eating disorder city: population 1. I swear to god, if anyone ever playfully grabbed my love handles, he would be missing a hand. At the very least.

You know what? Fuck this article. You are beautiful and you deserve satisfactory helpings of guacamole.

1 comment:

  1. You know who's now single? The "boyfriend" who would grab my love-handle region and refer to it as my "bacon." Jesus what the hell is wrong with these boys???