Thursday, December 29, 2011

Life's important questions

It's almost New Year's Eve! You simply HAVE to have the BEST TIME EVER, right?!?!?!?! You must drink champagne, even if you hate it! You have to stay up past midnight, even though you usually go to bed at 10! You have to be superrrrr drrrrunk! PARTY! TOGA! MAKE OUT WITH PEOPLE!

New Year's Eve can feel like a high-pressure situation. It's almost like the holiday-planners of yore looked at the calendar and said, "Hrmm...everyone just got through a long week of being with their families for Christmas and Hanukkah...let's plan something else stressful!" And then you are confronted with the following questions:

* Where am I going to go?
* Who am I going to hang out with?
* What am I going to wear?
* Will I be able to stay up past midnight?
* Who the hell am I going to kiss at midnight?
* What am I going to drink?

Never fear, Way Too Shay Nation - I am here with some answers to your questions!

Where am I going to go?
Your choice. I would personally never be terribly interested in paying $75 to hang out in some crappy bar all night, even with an open bar, but if that's your scene, GO FOR IT. There are plenty of concerts going on if that sounds good to you. And people tend to have some groovy house parties. Just don't be the jerky friend who waits to commit to a party until you know which invitations you have, fearing you'll miss the "good" party.

Who am I going to hang out with?
Choose one or two people and make a NYE pact: we arrive together, we leave together, we watch out for each other all night. Seriously, NYE is a time for amateur antics and people get too drunk and do very stupid things. The buddy system is always a good idea in times like these, especially in case you or your buddy ends up being the drunken idiot.

What am I going to wear?
NYE is exactly like watching the Oscars at home in terms of fashion. You have two options: pajamas or evening wear. I say bust out the sparkles and the shoes that make your feet bleed. You're just going to spend the whole next day watching movies anyway!

Will I be able to stay up past midnight?
Yeah, probably. You're not a toddler. But! It might be helpful to take a disco nap round about 4 PM. Also, look, you don't HAVE to go out and you don't HAVE to stay up to watch the clock strike 12. The truth is, it's going to happen whether you see it or not. You can very easily just sit at home and watch all of the Die Hard movies and then go to bed with popcorn grease still on your fingers. In fact, that will almost definitely be more fun than standing around some crappy bar, fighting to get a free drink.

Who the hell am I going to kiss at midnight?
Plenty of options here: you have your buddy, right? You could kiss that person (possibly your buddy is a lover or similar... then you get to kiss WITH TONGUE). You could kiss your friend, you could kiss the sweet looking stranger you've been laughing with all night (with their permission ONLY - don't just plant one on him/her), you could kiss your mom or dad or sibling, you could kiss your favorite pet. Worried about being the only single person at a party full of couples? ALWAYS TURN TO HUMOR and turn around and do that "pretending to makeout with myself" joke.

What am I going to drink?
This is important. Champagne is the easy answer but, amazingly, some people don't like it. I don't get that at all - bubbly is fantastic and I wish I could drink it every day like Marilyn Monroe. If you hate it, though, you can have beer, wine, whatever. Something in a super fancy martini glass would be lovely - be classic and choose a manhattan. But! Here's the secret to NYE! This is the time of year where there is usually also sparkling apple cider hanging around for the pregnants and the sobers and you guys? That shit is DELICIOUS. So go on with your bad self and down some sweet, sweet sparkling apple juice. You may still get a little bit of a headache from all the sugar, but you won't be a drunken idiot. I feel the need to mention again that it is way more delicious than anything alcoholic you could drink.

FORGOTTEN QUESTION: How am I going to get home!?
Don't mess around, my friends. If you drive somewhere, you either have to:

a) arrange to sleep over
b) have a FOR REAL SOBER designated driver
c) call a cab

Do you guys know about #TAXI? Seriously, just type that into your cell phone and it will connect you with the next available cab company line (for a nominal fee - like a dollar or so). So easy. Keep in mind, since it is a big holiday, it might take some time to get a cab. But it'll be totally worth it when you are in one piece the next morning, without a DUI or worse.

Your feet will still be blistered, though, from those hot shoes you were wearing. Unfortunately there is not yet #SLIPPERS.

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