Your Guide to Sexy ____ Halloween Costumes

Happy Halloween! Before we get into the good stuff offered for Slutoween this year (and by "good stuff" I mean "the most ridiculous stuff I could find"), I want to share with you my own ironic Sexy Cat costume. Ladies and gentlemen, Sexy Peter Criss:



The makeup, unfortunately, gave me a slight chemical burn and those pants inspired an almost instant yeast infection, but it was WORTH IT. And now on to the good stuff.

Listen, usually I go through all sorts of different websites looking for the "best" in Sexy ____ costumes, but I have learned that all you have to do is go to Yandy.com. Yandy is the Sexy King of Sexy ____ costumes. All of these photos are from that site.

Sexy Eskimo!

Seximo. Seeing as it SNOWED this weekend in Philly, this would be a warmer Sexy ___ costume option.

Sexy MC Hamster!

Who DOESN'T wear a plush hamster head when they're feeling sexy!? I am not lying when I tell you this costume comes in different colors.

Sexy Wood Chipper!

According to Yandy, this is a "wood chipper" costume. Also according to Yandy, the beaver is detachable. You might think it doesn't get better than this but you'd be wrong.

Sexy Murder Victim!

Good news ladies! Now your sexy costume repertoire includes a reminder that you are an appropriate target of violence! YOU'RE WELCOME.

Sexy Lady Gaga!

Redundant and ineffectual. Lady Gaga routinely wears less fabric than this.

Sexy Dick Tracy!

Now that's more like it! You got your Sexy Gangster and your Sexy early 90s movie nostalgia all in one!

Sexy Eve!

The snake is a puppet. You're wearing a leotard and a puppet. In case you were wondering, no, it does not get sexier than that.

Sexy Dolphin!

The tail is what makes it art.

Sexy Train Conductor!

Perfect if you're hoping that someone will choo-choo-choose you!

Sexy Pineapple!

Every year as I scroll through the Sexy ____ offerings, I come to a few outfits that make me think, Who sees this and says "That's the one!"????

Sexy Watermelon!

An excellent addition to the Sexy Fruit Cup we're putting together. (Also, there is a costume for Sexy Fruit Cup. It just wasn't good enough to include here.) I wonder what else we could add to our Sexy Fruit Stand?

Sexy Banana!

PERFECT.

Sexy Scrabble!

This one has been making the rounds this year, for good reason. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

Sexy Shark!

This one just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. One of my favorites of all time. I think it's the look on her face paired with the SHARK ON HER HEAD.

Sexy Rambo!

Because it's gotta be 1982 somewhere.

Sexy Flashdance!

So maybe you're going to a Sexy 80s party. (Please note: they also sell Sexy Cyndi Lauper costumes. REDUNDANT.)

Sexy Viking!

Fur? Check. Horns? Check. Illusion bustier that makes breasts look exposed? Check.

Sexy Brownie!

Just to clarify: the youngest girl scouts are Brownies and they wear brown smocks. Once you become a regular Girl Scout in middle school, you get the green outfit. So basically, this is a Sexy Second Grader costume. On the other hand, I definitely appreciate how well they've posed this photo. Is she a Sexy Brownie Detective?

Sexy Indiana Jones!

Guaranteed to have some dude drunkenly slur at you, "We named the DOG Indiana!" and then smack your ass.

Sexy Jane Goodall!

The person who thought up this costume was quickly fired for being "too cerebral."

Sexy Elvira!

...because Elvira is not sexy enough? I don't understand.

Sexy Optimus Prime!

Nerd magnet.

Sexy Green Lantern!

Nerd magnet supreme!

Sexy Edward Scissorhands!

I actually love this. But then again, I love Edward Scissorhands. I don't see the advantage of a short skirt over skin tight pants but I suppose that's why I don't have a job at Yandy.

And now, my friends, the greatest Sexy ____ costume I have ever seen:

Sexy Hulk Hogan!

Whatcha gonna do, Brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you!?