Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Oscar rundown 2012: PART 2

My dear readers, I have heard a LOT of negative comments about Emma Stone and her dress. I stand by my review, but I also understand that perhaps the giant neckbow looks like some sort of red carpet representation of Nearly Headless Nick's ruff. Point taken, readers. Moving on, it's time for the Meh - the utter definition of "it's not terrible but it's not great either."


Jennifer Lopez!

On one hand, I dig this. It's very JLo - low-cut, skin-tight, vavoom-y. On the other hand, WHAT IS HAPPENING ON YOUR SLEEVES?! I think this could have landed squarely in my Good pile if the sleeves had been eliminated. Also, JLo girl, no one wants to see areola during an awards telecast. In the future, double check your double stick tape before getting onstage.

Michelle Williams!

The thing is, I want to love this. I almost do... but it's just so overworked. I love the color, I love the peplum, I love the makeup, hair, NECKLACE.... it's just that the skirt is too much. Sigh.

Viola Davis!

Another one I tried to make myself love. The color is perfect and it fits her like a dream. I just...don't really like the dress. Why does she have a curtain attached around her knees? I don't understand. I do love, however, that she wore her natural hair to the awards. Shoulders-up, she's perfect.

Wendi McLendon-Covey!

I seriously think I tried on this dress while prom shopping lo these 14 years ago and put it back on the rack because it was "pretty but too fussy." She looks like a My Little Pony accessory.

Bérénice Bejo!

I like the idea of this gown but there is just so much that goes wrong. I gather it's supposed to look dreamy and ethereal; instead, it washes her out and makes her bust look weirdly short and her waist weirdly long. Maybe if it was a slightly darker shade of seafoam I wouldn't have quite the same Meh-ness from this. Also, um, Berenice - you, uh, forgot to do your hair.

Rose Byrne!

The draping on the bottom half of the dress makes her look like she's wearing the world's fanciest hammerpants. NOW YOU CAN'T UN-SEE IT!

Jane Seymour!

She looks fantastic and the dress fits her like a dream but it's making me sleepy. Jane, I would love to see you in something that's not red. Just once. Please.

Cameron Diaz!

Thanks to the Experty Experts, I now know that "Cameron Diaz" rhymes with "Quesadillas." I vote that we refer to her only as that from here out. This dress looks to me like it's weeping, or perhaps melting. It's not terrible, but it's not great either. I like the necklace. Ultimately, I find myself distracted by La Portman's far superior dress in the background. Oh! Also! Did you guys see the hilarious moment during the show where Quesadillas tried to go booty-for-booty with JLo? Genuine comedy.

Penelope Ann Miller!

Red carpet figure skater costume.

Janet McTeer!

True story! I went to see Ms. McTeer in a play once, but I had the most amazing meal beforehand at Butter and ate too much rich food and had too much wine and I totally fell asleep during the play. It was very British and slow but visually interesting...but in the end, my food coma won. Similarly, this dress is very proper and beautiful but sort of boring. Also, I am eating right now.

Rooney Mara!

Hair and makeup look striking and appropriate. Which is odd, considering she's wearing the world's fanciest nursing bra/nightgown.

Busy Philipps!

I know I've said it before, but I am totally behind Michelle Williams and Busy Philipps going to all of these awards shows together. Seriously, you need a partner in crime when you go to an awards show! Otherwise who will you whisper catty remarks to all night? As for this outfit, I loooooove her earrings, the dress is fine, the hair is lacking, and DEAR GOD THOSE SHOES ARE AWFUL. Busy, girl, there's a pop of color and then there's Barbie hooker shoes.

Virginia Madsen!

Great color and general shape but....Eek. The hair is a straight up mess and the dress does not fit! Look how it pools at the bottom! Look how it's oddly sticking out in bunches on the left! I'm happy she didn't show up looking like the widowed saloon girl this time, but Jesus, Ginny. Get. It. Together.

Meryl Streep!

Hair: great.
Neckline: great.
Makeup: great.
Sleeves: are both on the dress, a step up from some past looks.
Color: decent.
General fit of dress: Wha' happen!?

Nick Nolte!

The bowtie is a titch small, but overall the tux isn't bad. I just wonder how Mrs. Claus feels about Santa's love child with Kenny Rogers coming to light in such a public way.

Tomorrow! Your favorite part! Get ready because holy crap did you see Colin Firth's wife!?!?! Srsly.

1 comment:

  1. Michelle Williams I heart your hear, & Meg is crazy, you killed it Roona.