Friday, October 31, 2014

Sexy ____ Costume Round-Up 2014: PART 1!!!!!!

My dear readers, it's the most wonderful time of the year! It's finally time to do a round-up of this year's most ridiculous Sexy ____ Costumes! We've been doing this for YEARS now, so you know that what we're making fun of is how horribly sexist and sometimes misogynistic Halloween costumes can be - everything is a Sexy version of whatever it is -  and anything can be sexified. Yes, there are Sexy Dude Costumes, but certainly not in the sheer volume as Sexy Lady Costumes. And most importantly, the same type of costume has a big gender difference....

Dude Gangster

Lady Gangster

Weird - it's the same pose, same pin stripes, but one of them isn't wearing pants.... hrmph.

So! There are a lot this year, my dear readers, and I wouldn't dream of denying you the joy of seeing them all so it's a TWO PARTER! And! And! And! I'm going to divide the costumes into categories. Some of them are Not Safe For Work, so enjoy at your own risk. All costumes are linked to where you can buy them.... not that I recommend it but you do you.

COSTUMES THAT EVOKE/RUIN YOUR CHILDHOOD

Sexy Sock Monkey!
A.) That's the biggest sock in the world. B.) I don't think it would be a very effective sock, since it's missing large swaths of fabric. C.) The sock monkey mouth is in the vagina area. Cute.

Sexy Girl Scout!
What could be better than implied pedophilia combined with an opportunity to make sexual jokes about tasting cookies?


COSTUMES BASED ON POPULAR CHARACTERS

Sexy Olaf!
Alas, there is no hyperlink to this costume's page BECAUSE IT IS SOLD OUT. Sexy Olaf is THE Sexy ____ costume of the year, you guys! True story: there is an Olaf moment in Frozen that I found so funny the first time I saw it that I laughed for three minutes straight and had to take a break after because my muscles were sore from the guffaws. That doesn't mean I'm going to slap a white leotard on my body and a carrot on my nose and be Sexy Olaf for H'ween...

Sexy Elsa!
Sure. That looks exactly like Elsa. NOT AT ALL.

Sexy Orange is the New Black!
Nothing says SEXY quite like the very real problems with the American prison system. For a moment can we talk about the accessories? How is she supposed to put her arms down with that necklace/bracelet combo? It just seems impractical. Sexy Impracticality.

Sexy Little Mermaid!
Is this some sort of mashup between the times Ariel has fins and legs? I mean, flipping your fins you won't get too far...legs are required for jumping, dancing....Am I to understand that she is only fish from rib cage to crotch? Someone explain to me what is sexy about THAT.

Sexy Pretty Woman!
For when you absolutely, positively must dress up as a romanticized sex worker. I actually only included this REDUNDANT Sexy ___ costume because OH MY GOD YOU GUYS you know how they can't use the real names of things so they don't get sued? This is a Pretty Lady costume. I find that to be delightful.

Sexy Robin Hood!
Stealing [boners] from the rich and giving [boners] to the poor. Ugh.

Sexy Frankenstein's Monster!
Fire bad! Sexual objectification good!

Sexy Maleficent!
For the woman who dresses up as an Angelina Jolie character every year. You know exactly who she is, don't pretend you don't.

Sexy Xena Warrior Princess!
Redundant. Also, let's be real: if it's not actual Lucy Lawless, I am not actually interested.

Sexy Minion!
Because I'm sexy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I'm sexy
Clap along if you feel like sexiness is the truth
Because I'm sexy
Clap along if you know what sexiness is to you
Because I'm sexy
Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

HAHA NOW THAT SONG'S IN YOUR HEAD.

Sexy Donald Duck!
Obviously your best bet for duck lips all night. But I have a problem with this costume: Donald Duck does not wear pants of any kind. So this is actually Conservative Donald Duck.

Sexy Buzz Lightyear!
The button placement at nipple level is what makes it art.

Sexy Marvin the Martian!
This would make Marvin very angry, very angry indeed.

Sexy Cat in the Hat!
Okay, okay I know that we have a rule against covering Sexy Cats on the WTS Sexy ___ rundown, but LOOK AT THIS. I can't even begin to imagine how one would get into that outfit.

Sexy Pinocchio!
I'm slightly confused about how this is "sexy" but the item is called Sexy Cartoon Puppet, so who am I to question them? (Other than the fact that Pinocchio is a MARIONETTE but let's not quibble.) This is hilarious and terrifying. One million points to the model for making that face.

Sexy Boba Fett!
You know, in cases like this I think it's fine to stray from the costume design just a little bit and cut those ridiculous pockets.

Sexy Yoda!
When I look at this, the only Yoda quote that floods my brain is one that all women considering one of these outfits should think on: "You must unlearn what you have learned."

Sexy Ewok!
I did not think it was going to get more upsetting/ridiculous than Sexy Yoda ... and then I saw the Sexy Ewok. YOU GUYS!?!?!? It's AMAZING.

Sexy Eliza Doolittle in the Ascot Scene!
This is bizarrely specific and therefore my favorite Sexy ____ costume of all time (for the next ten minutes). I sincerely wish I was in the brainstorming meeting where someone suggested "Sexy My Fair Lady but you know that really classy scene with the racehorses?" And everyone else was like "Good idea, Mark." Cause you know Mark is always thinking outside the box.

Sexy Captain Crunch!
THIS IS A THING THAT EXISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sexy Mr. Peanut!
I laughed very hard for a long time when I first saw this. I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing that I immediately thought of at least three friends who would be delighted to see this costume.


COSTUMES BASED ON SUPERHEROES

Sexy Thor!
Is that a Mj√∂lnir in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Sexy Optimus Prime!

Let me ask you a question: If you were at a H'ween party and you didn't already know what this costume is, would you think Optimus Prime? Because I definitely don't see it.

Sexy Aquaman!
Ah, Sexy Aquaman. So sexy, so useless.


THIS CONCLUDES PART 1. Costume categories to look forward to this afternoon in Part 2:

Animals
Food
History
Professions
Racism
aaaaand
WUT!?

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