Thursday, May 9, 2013

Met Gala 2013: The Bad

Buckle up! It's going to be a bumpy ride!


Kristen Stewart!
I swear to god, if I see this girl dressed as a toreador one more time, I am going to lose my mind. Also: yeesh. What is going on with the cut of those pants? I'm not at all saying that if the hips weren't cut quite so generously that I would be pleased about this nightmare in maroon, I'm just saying insult to injury, you know?

Gisele Bundchen!
She's basically wearing a glorified sleeve, right? I mean great job not displaying your vagina in that getup, but it's not a dress.

Greta Gerwig!
Oh lord, girl, the theme was punk not goth. You look like you're living on Fascination Street. Luckily I have these Pictures of You to tide me over until Friday (I'm In Love).

Jennifer Lopez!

Alicia Keys!
What has happened here?! Leather halter on top, maroon sequins on the bottom, lovehandle cutouts. All of it is wrong.

Sienna Miller!
You can't just take a pretty dress and throw a tough looking jacket on it and call it a day. There is only one person in the world who can pull off that look and it's my friend Pidge. You, Sienna Miller, are no Pidge.

Jessica Pare!
Seriously, you guys, every time I look at this photo I start laughing. If you are not yet laughing, try looking at it from the bottom up. As soon as you get to the face, you'll die. In other news, girl what are you doing?! You are one of the most gorgeous women, like, ever. Why did you let someone do that to your eyelids?

Stacy Keibler!
Oddly robotic dress, terrifying shoes, bad hair, no makeup. I just can't with this one. It's a good thing she did so well at the Oscars because otherwise she would definitely be on probation.

Kelly Osbourne!
I love her hair like this, but everything else about this outfit screams What Is This I Don't Even.

Alison Williams!
Ohmygod, somebody: Quick! Tell Alison her dress is melting!

Elizabeth Banks!
Apparently, she's got the horse right here and his name is Paul Revere. I see absolutely no reason to ever put this on your body nless you are doing a Vegas showgirl version of Guys and Dolls. Remember how perfect Madonna looked in jacket-no-pants? This is the opposite of that. And don't get me started on those shoes.

Kate Mara!
It is at once twee, frightening, unflattering, and about 5 seconds away from Tits Ahoy. How does she manage to combine so many unpleasant things into one dress?

Emma Watson!
Accio Different Dress!

Blake Lively!
This appears to be a bandage dress that has developed an absolutely awful mold problem. Blake! Get out before it's too late!

Kerry Washington!
The Couch-ening: Part I. (Oh you KNOW what Part II is... and we'll address Ms. K in the next post.) I didn't realize how much I hated metallic florals until I saw this dress. There also appears to be some sort of tulle train and arm-length leather gloves. Naturally.

Jessica Biel!
Once again she shows up with post-workout hair. This time, though, we also have a mullet dress and - NO LIE - lace leggings. Lacings. I... I just can't, you guys.

Nicki Minaj!
This is so stumpifying. She is a WEE woman and this just makes her look about 2' tall. Beware the floating boobs of Nicki Minaj!

Gwen Stefani!
Okay, what?! No, seriously... What?! I mean, that's just a piece of black satin tied in a bow around her torso, right?

Heidi Klum!
Aw! Did you guys know that La Klum got married at the Met Ball? So sweet!

Oh girl, oh no. No no no.

Gwyneth Paltrow!
I'm just going to go ahead and show you a piece of the conversation I had over gchat with Reader Katya regarding this look.

me: OMG. OMFG. Gwyneth. 
Katya: Oh I didn't see her!
Katya: OMG
  I just saw Gwyneth
me: RIGHT?!

And that's pretty much all I have to say about that. And finally, last but certainly not least.......the one, the only:

The Sev!
This is the best thing to wear for today, you understand. Because I don't like women in skirts and the best thing is to wear pantyhose or some pants under a short skirt, I think. Then you have the pants under the skirt and then you can pull the stockings up over the pants underneath the skirt. And you can always take off the skirt and use it as a cape. So I think this is the best costume for today.

Hats off to The Sev for continuing that whole "you can see my undergarments through my dress" thing she had going on last year.

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