Monday, May 23, 2011

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 21-23

After a long pause, we are back with more Rules. This is really just a teaser… only three Rules today with more to come tomorrow. Sharpen your knives, dear 6 readers! We’re getting to the good stuff now. As per usual, all of the insane blockquoted text belongs to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

Rule 21:
Accentuate the Positive and Other Rules for Personal Ads

Okay, this is all about placing personal ads in the newspaper, since the internet had not invented Plenty of Fish/OK Cupid/eHarmony/Match/etc/etc/etc in 1995, but we can just look at it as if they’re talking about internet dating. I suppose there is nothing stopping you from putting a personal ad in a paper, but those are generally reserved for escorts nowadays, yes? Basically when you write your ad/profile keep it breezy (like Monica Geller) and short and don’t be afraid to ask for exactly the kind of man you want. They also recommend you disclose your religion right away in your ad, which is maybe a little weird? When you answer an ad/profile, be cute and breezy, don’t send “sleazy pictures” and only agree to a date if you get a good feeling about a guy. Also, never give him your address and get his number so you can give it to your mom or friend before the date in case you go missing.

BS Meter:
The advice about giving out the dude’s contact info to your nearest and dearest before meeting him alone is pretty solid. Other than that, some of the things they want you to keep in mind are a little bit of a girl-on-girl crime. Read on:

Points of Interest:
Perhaps a man will not mind your extra twenty pounds when he sees your beautiful face, but chances are he won’t answer such a candid ad.

This would be The Rules’ way of telling you “no fatties.”
End the note by saying something like, “Well, I’m off to my aerobics class. Hope to hear from you soon.”

End the note by saying something like, “I swear I’m not fat. Hope to hear from you soon.”
You have no idea what he looks like and he may have been exaggerating about how handsome he is. On the other hand, he could very well be Kevin Costner’s twin.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Be yourself as much as possible and post attractive yet accurate photos on your profile. Then assume that everyone else on there is lying and isn’t as cute as their photos. Wouldn’t it be nice to be surprised rather than be disappointed? Also, in addition to giving your bff the number/email of the guy you’re going to see, I recommend you Google the shit out of him. Get his last name before you meet in person, look him up on police blotter records, Megan’s Law websites, and do a general Google as well. I wouldn’t, you know, tell the person that you Googled him on your first date though…that’s a little awkward.

Rule 22:
Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)

Don’t live with him, don’t leave any of your stuff at his place - not even a toothbrush at his house- until you’ve set the date. Pssht, what’s wrong with you, girlfriend! If you were really following The Rules you wouldn’t be seeing him more than a couple of times a week! You can’t uphold that Rule if you live together! DUH.

BS Meter:
I understand the argument but living together is fun. I’m pretty sure that Ellen and Sherrie would pop a blood vessel pointing to my failed living together type relationship, but it was a good time. To each their own, I think.

Points of Interest:
Remember, men don’t necessarily propose when you’re cuddled up on the couch watching a rented video, but do so when they’re afraid of losing you. In Love Story - a movie you should study like the Bible […]

But be a little distant and difficult. The unobtainable is always more exciting; men very often want something more just because they can’t have it.


Is there any reason to live with a man if you haven’t set a wedding date? Yes, and that’s when he wants to and you don’t!


Meg's Alternate Rule:
Oh god, just feel it out. If you’re apartment has become a closet you spend $650/month to rent, it’s probably more economical to just move in. It may not work out, but you might have lots of fun.

Rule 23:
Don’t Date a Married Man

If you date a married man, you are going to just miserably sit around, wishing his wife would die. The sex might be good (wait, we’re allowed to have sex now?) but eventually that will go away and you are just going to end up crying on Valentine’s Day.

BS Meter:
Everyone knows that the day before Valentine’s Day is Mistress’ Day! DUH. Problem solved! But for real, if you date a married dude, there will more than likely be problems.

Points of Interest:
Our girls get really bitchy and preachy here. Enjoy!
All these women [who date married men] suffer from low self-esteem, or why would they settle for so little? We are not big advocates of therapy, but we believe it would be worth $125 an hour to find out why you would do this to yourself.

Wait a minute, my therapist charged $125/hr…I thought that was really expensive but this book is 15 years old so I must be getting a good rate!

You’re a Rules girl! Your life is never on the edge because of a man. Either a man is available and in love with you or he’s taken and you have nothing to do with him romantically. You are not desperately waiting in the wings for his situation to change. You are not someone who waits and hopes while he takes his wife and kids to Disney World. You have a life of your own.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Yeah, don’t date married dudes. Handle separated dudes with care, getting the scoop with their ex and all that. And you gotta be real with yourself: sometimes they work it out and get back together. Overall, respect yourself and be careful with your heart.


  1. Your continued use of the O RLY owl keeps me coming back for more.

  2. A. I agree with the O RLY owl statement. Also, Chaka Khan...perfect. Hilarious and smart as always, love it!

  3. i love that my birthday gift from the blogosphere was another installment of this series :)