Thursday, May 10, 2012

Met Ball 2012: The Bad!

Hold on to your hats, fashion fans. It's time for the Bad! Let's lead off with the most beautiful woman in the world (according to People Magazine), shall we?

The Bad

In what is clearly an ode to the Rorschach test, Bey pounds the final nail in the sheer dress coffin. Eesh, lady! It's just SO bad!

Dakota Fanning!
Luna Lovegood goes to the prom. The overly complicated ruffles keep the nargles away. The color is meant to fool the Dementors into thinking you're already dead.

Shailene Woodley!
Yuck. I hate this print and the double belt is hardly flattering her figure. This girl needs someone to sit her down and give her some style advice.

Eva Mendes!
Bed-Affeta: when bedazzlers and taffeta meet. Tragic, tragic consequences.

Coco Rocha!
I - but - what?! How does a model of Coco's stature show up to the Met Ball looking like she is ready for her Kids Incorporated audition? And what is with this dipped hair trend? I keep seeing it on the street and it just looks like the worst of all possible ways to grow the dye out of your hair. AND FURTHER MORE I'm not sure that satin platform mary janes are the best choice to go with what can only be called ankle-length adult jams. Oh, Coco.

Alicia Keys!
More problems in pants city. These pants are voluminous in the crotch, no? As if she was wearing a giant diaper? Or wanted people to know that either A) they can't touch this, or B) we got to pray just to make it today? On another, non-MC Hammer-related note, I just don't get peep toe boots. Your ankles are cold but your toes need to breathe? It makes NO sense.

Heidi Klum!
Divorce chic: you're doing it wrong.

Milla Jovovich!
Tomorrow night at 8, only on Lifetime: What happens when a Roman Gladiator is transported into the body of a Las Vegas cocktail waitress? Milla Jovovich stars in My Name is Glamiator!

Jessica Chastain!
NO! Oh, girl. I thought we were on the upswing with your Oscars gown but this is like 10 steps back in the wrong direction. Boooooo! No! And you know what? I can't take it anymore. YOU ARE ON PROBATION. Talk to me once you've found a new stylist.

Amy Poehler!
The head is fine. The rest is a hot mess. What is this dress? It's so tight and feathery and peplum-y. And look at all of that unadorned chest area! I don't know. Maybe if we lost the feathers and added a necklace I would like it? The world will never know.

January Jones!
I really wanted to love this, and in fact, I originally put this in the Good pile. But the more I look at it, the more I start to believe that this is the couture version of Bumblebee from Transformers. It's so very constructed, almost to the point of rigidity. Love the necklace, though.

The Sev!
I only ever want to live in a world where the Sev shows up to a huge fashion event wearing the afghan her grandma made over a bra and boy shorts. Paired, of course, with space shoes. If that ever stops happening, just put the cyanide capsules in my mouth and tell my fish I'll miss him.

Linda Evangelista!
Dowdy, frumpy, and somehow really really young for her. Here she reminds me of the tallest girl at the 8th grade dinner dance. This woman was in arguably the greatest video of all time. There is no way she should show up to the Met Ball with a glorified scrunchie in her hair.

Leighton Meester!
Leighton Meester presents: A tribute to pollen and swiffer dusters! This weekend on Stars on Ice!

Kristen Stewart!
It looks like Claudia Kishi's closet threw up on her. WHAT are those shoes? Girl, just stop.

Claire Danes!
Dig the hair and makeup, but you really ought not make that face when you're standing on the red carpet in an oversized bathrobe.

Marion Cotillard!
I've tried for about ten minutes now to come up with a witty way to say this, but I can't. She looks like hell. The dress, the bangs, the makeup, all of it. For such a gorgeous woman, she looks remarkably plain.

Lily Collins!
Frontier House meets couture part 1: at least she's fairly young. This is a little bit ghostly, though, right?

Sarah Jessica Parker!
Frontier House meets couture part 2: What The Hell Is This!? SJP, girl, you know better than this! There is no room for Laura Ashley bedspreads on the red carpet.

Remember that thing we said about leather dresses? Yeahhhhh..... Look, Ri has a killer body  but this is not a great look. The dress is too long, the hair is too...well, it's really terrible, isn't it? I can't get behind this at all. I want to love you, Ri. Help me love you.

Scarlett Johansson!
Oh girl. Oh no. No no no.

Mary Kate Olsen!
When I first saw this I straight up laughed out loud. Girlfriend has GOT to be messing with us, right? Between the fried hair and the widowed Italian grandmother costume, it's simply got to be a joke. Right? Right? Oh god... what if it's not?!

Kate Bosworth!
And then Kate Bosworth came dressed as a bergamasco...interesting. (PS, let's not speak of the hair. I just can't do it.)

Florence Welch!
Let it be said: when Alexander McQueen flocks a Christmas tree, that Christmas tree stays good and flocked.

Anya Rubik!
"Angelina Jolie's leg made big news during the Oscars, huh?" said Anya Rubik, "Well, we'll just see about that!" "Oh lady, wear some underwear!" said the rest of the world.

La Paltrow!

Oh my god. Finally! Someone has come up with an apron that's appropriate to wear to the gynecologist! You can get your annual pap and a breast exam without even taking off the apron! HOW CONVENIENT!

Elizabeth Banks!
Damn. That is one complicated dress. With all the different patterns and the stiffness on the top portion and the big slit and the peplum..that's one crazy... wait a minute... what is going on with that peplum?

Christina Ricci!

That thing over her shoulder? That's the bow of her dress. That fabric hanging down, gathered on the ground? Also part of the bow. Terrifying.

And since this is the last look we're going to see together, I have to level with you. Every time I look at this dress with all of the delicate pink fabric voluptuously folded and the structured black lace coming out of nowhere, all I can think is that this is the designer's tribute to bikini wax stubble growing back in.


  1. You know what would make most of these looks better? If their wearers ate a cheeseburger.


  2. Coco's suit belonged to Liz Taylor. Liz Taylor!!!! It is awesome. (I liked it before I knew that.)

  3. I especially love all of your literary references in this edition

  4. You made me snort, like, ten times. Brills. And -- oh -- Elizabeth Banks!!!! WHATTT?????? was she thinking?????