May the 4th be with you (those raised Catholic: and also with you)! Gird your loins and get ready for some frightful missteps. At this point I don't think we have a Full Paltrow, but who knows? By the time I get to the end of a rant about a look sometimes I decide it's a crime against all that is sacred and it turns into a Full Paltrow. Let's roll the dice.
Paris Hilton!
Let's talk about the fit on this gown and how ... it doesn't. I don't know if the shoes are meant to be seen but the hemline on this does not feel intentional. Also the fit on the bust and the sleeves looks baggy - again, if this was meant to look ruched, it was unsuccessful. I want so much more for Paris.
Olivia Rodrigo!
First of all, CUAN. I like the top of this but the strings are killing me. When I tell you Roxxy Andrews did it better on a dress made out of candy, well...
Emily Blunt!
Points for secret pants, but explain to me how the rest of this goes together. The skirt is too long, the blouse is overly fussy, and then we have the bow and flower which just absolutely exhaust me. I swear I am not against flowers - just I don't like how this looks! None of these elements talks to each other, they are all just thrown together like a weird salad made of gummy bears, radishes, and cottage cheese.
Jessica Chastain!
Oh girl. Oh no. Oh no no no.
Ben Platt!
Remember back in the Good pile when we were talking about Jenna Ortega and how she was wearing the couture and I said we would later have an example of the opposite? Welcome to the example. These clothes are wearing Ben Platt so hard, he can hardly even smize! The effort was there, certainly, but it's just not working. Couture 1, Ben Platt 0.
Gigi Hadid!
Perhaps you feel that this is fine and you are welcome to feel this way. Come back tomorrow after you've seen Rita Ora wear the superior version of this with more flair. We did see quite a few of these riffs on the KL exposed hip bones thing, but when it's so sheer like this look, I want way more detailing. This probably would have ended up in the Meh if I hadn't see Rita's version. Give me sheer but make it completely bananas over the top.
Karen Elson!
Okay but not like that, that's TOO bananas. I love that she looks like she just got back from Six Flags and spent all her money at the giant tissue paper flower booth. This dress is like underboob yes, maybe a hint at crotch, but god forbid they know you have a neck!
Serena Williams (seen here with Alexis Ohanian)!
What in the Dynasty/Dallas/Knots Landing/Falcon Crest fever dream is going on here!?
Glenn Close!
We all know that feeling when you come home from a long day Duchess-ing and throw the nearest bedspread around your shoulders for warmth and comfort. And listen, we know I am all for necklaces but this is A Lot Of Necklace. A lot.
Anne Hathaway!
I surprised myself by the intensity with which I hate this dress. I have spent a lot of time thinking about it and I think it comes down to two things: the wads of fabric on the bust and the fact that this dress is distracting me from how hot Annie Hathaway looks. Like career-best hotness but then: boob trash. Wait. Are they flowers? Maybe I am actually against flowers after all!? I'm learning a lot about myself coming out of semi-blog-retirement.
That said, Emily Blunt is all set for the Mary Poppins theme and Anne Hathaway for "make it with shaving cream" (because that's what the boob trash looks like to me).
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