A Very Mini VMA 2014 Red Carpet Rundown

Tonight, dear readers, is the weird outlier of the awards season: The Emmys. Why are they not during actual awards season? Why are they happening on a Monday? The mind boggles. Because of the Emmys I don't usually address the VMAs but then some things happened and I couldn't not address the VMAs. You know of which I speak... and if you don't, you will soon. This is a very very very mini rundown, basically consisting of only those frocks which cannot be ignored. Lets get to it, shall we?

I Cannot Ignore JLo Being JLo!

It's the VMAs, so she looks like the classiest diamond bondage model of all time. But let's be real: this could have very well turned up at the Golden Globes. Girl, keep being you.

I Cannot Ignore Taylor Swift Forgetting Her Skirt/Pants!

Sweet thing, you're like 22. No need to go full Liza/Elaine Stritch just yet. Also, that getup looks entirely uncomfortable. (I'll admit this: I just wrote "uncomfortunate" which is my new portmanteau for uncomfortable and unfortunate. OWNING IT. Uncomfortunate forevermore.)

I Cannot Ignore Kim Kardashian Wearing Two Throw Rugs as a Dress!

Paired with macrame shoes and miles of boob tape. Too bad if she tries to fix her hair it's immediately tits ahoy for our Kim.

I Cannot Ignore Ke$ha Looking .... Amazing?!

My Little Pony hair aside, up is down, left is right, and Ke$ha looks absolutely stunning amazing holy cow incredible. WHERE DO YOU IMAGINE YOURSELF TO BE, YOUNG LADY?! There is no need to looks this put together at an event where attendees routinely wear pasties and meat.

I SERIOUSLY CANNOT IGNORE THE BEST HOMAGE TO THE GREATEST MOMENT IN POP STAR FASHION HISTORY!!!!!

1000 points to Katy Perry and this Riff Raff person for bringing the Way Too Shay cover models back onto the red carpet. May God bless and keep you, Katy Perry. You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream.