Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Emmy Awards 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Meh

Things got slightly heated yesterday on the FaceSpace over Allison Janney being left out of the Good pile. Sorry to disappoint you guys! I just have Feelings about velvet gowns in August. I'm also sure you'll want to fight over a few of these, so have at it!


Samira Wiley!
I tried really hard to talk myself into putting my beloved Samira into the Good pile but I just couldn't do it. I looooooove this color on her and the shape is fabulous and not at all what I expected to see her wear. But. The fit is a teeny bit roomy, the mermaid looks like an afterthought and I really need to see some jewelry. So close, Samira. So very close.

Lizzy Caplan!
Another one that is so very close. My dear readers, I have now learned to accept the cutout dresses - try not to faint! And I absolutely love this dress but the styling sinks it. Severe hair + severe makeup just doesn't work with this. Also, she has the biggest eyes of any human person and I feel strongly that she does not need to rim them in 2 inches of liner.

Julia Roberts!
I really loved this 3 glasses of wine into the evening during the telecast, but it's falling flatter for me in the sober light of day. I definitely love the shape and the color, but it does sort of resemble what Reader Rosey called "the bottom of a fish tank." Also, let's agree to never let her present awards again. What a doofus.

Anna Gunn!
Anna Gunn looks like she's going to an afternoon wedding at Studio 54. It fits like a dream and it's interesting, but it's not great.

Halle Berry!
I'm beginning to think that Halle Berry has some Taste Issues. The color is great, the fit is lovely, but the dress is straight up soap opera baddie. I refuse to acknowledge her bangs.

Lena Headey!
Lena Headey has the best pixie cut in Tinseltown right now. At first the dress is really cool but after you look at it for a moment it just sort of looks like it's melting off of her.

Lucy Liu!
French door curtains with visible pasties and tasteful vagina ruching. And yet somehow she almost pulls it off. How do you do that, Lucy?

Viola Davis!
It's a little too long and the bag is a misstep but my real problem is the bolero jacket effect up top. I just want that to continue down a bit more and not be so distracting. Her head looks better than it has in a year, though!

Ariel Winter!
It's not bad, but it's still a ball gown with a crop top.

Sarah Hyland!
Ditto above. I think girlfriend is seriously funny on her show but I can't get past the fact that she looks like a Bratz doll 24/7.

Selenis Leyva!
The styling is lovely and the color really works for her, but I look at this and see Mother of the Bride at a flamenco wedding.

Kerry Washington!
Insert rant about the impossible standards for women in an industry where they are expected to wear a form-fitting gown 4 months after giving birth and look good in it. She is fab, the dress is meh. High five, though, on the sequined bike shorts. I have some sequined booty shorts and they are everything. I wear mine on stage and not under formalwear, but whatever lady, you do you.

Natasha Lyonne!
When I was a senior in college I had a LOT of photos of Natasha around my dorm room. Luv huh. I'm so pleased she's back and apparently doing better and the color and fit of this dress are great but the fact remains that Jessica Lange turned this down for being "too matronly."

Allison Tolman!
To quote the inimitable Tom and Lorenzo: Girl, that is not your dress. It's a pretty dress. You are pretty in that color. But no. It's too long and it makes your one boob look weird. Also the hair is giving me hives.

Minnie Driver!
Great dress! Wish it fit you!

Vanessa Williams!
Goddess goddess goddess. It's just a skosh too tight. 

Taylor Schilling!
Other than the ode to vaginas in the middle, I'm pretty bored. 

Keke Palmer!
I would love to see this minus the giant rip down the front and plus ice on the clavicle. Gorgeous color, gorgeous shape on her.

Zooey Deschanel!
Ugh, snooze. Tell me something I don't know, Zooey.

Frances Conroy!
Frances Conroy is trying, you guys, but her heart's just not in it.

Claire Danes!
Sullen bridesmaid in a Swedish wedding.

Amy Poehler!
You could tell by watching the show that Amy Poehler and Bryan Cranston are everyone's best friends AS WELL THEY SHOULD BE. I get what our Amy was going for with this look and to be honest with you I kind of love the dress but the heavy eye makeup and bad beach hair and lackluster jewelry just brings the whole thing down. You deserve better, Amy Pueblos!

Danielle Brooks!
It pains me to put the amazing Danielle Brooks in the Meh pile but I have to. The fit is great but the cut up top is all wrong. The haircut is adorable but the hair styling for the event misses the mark. I'd love the see the jewelry and bag in brightass cobalt. That's a color: brightass cobalt.

Anna Chlumsky!

Angela Bassett!
Clearly just got off the spa table and threw a gold belt on her robe. What's clothes got to do with it? 

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves!
It is abundantly clear that these two could not give less of a shit.

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