Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 16-20

We are halfway through book 1, aka The Rules: Original Recipe. Of, if you prefer, the OG Rules. As usual, all block quoted text belongs to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Listen girls and boys, there may be some triggering things in here, round about Rule 18 - just giving you fair warning. Ready or not, here we go....


Rule 16:

Don't Tell Him What To Do

Basically:
Let him do whatever he wants to do, even if it hurts your feelings. Don't try to fix him, wait until he asks you to fix him (because that ever happens).

BS Meter:
Fairly high. One of the points is either say everything he does is okay or break up with him. Black or white.

Points of Interest:

If, after dating you for months, he has never introduced you to his parents or friends, that means he doesn't want you to meet his parents or friends. He may simply be shy about the whole thing.

Oooor, in the immortal words of Liz Lemon, "S that D. Shut it down. DEAL BREAKER."

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Be honest about your feelings in a non-accusatory way. Use your words, specifically your "I feel" words. And honey, if he wants to go camping with his buddies every weekend instead of hanging out with you? You have a "classic case of fruit blindness. Deal breaker."

Rule 17:

Let Him Take The Lead

Basically:
He is Antonio Bandaris.



BS Meter:
Skyrockets in flight. Holy moly! What they mean by Let Him Take The Lead is that he gets to decide everything, you wait for him to say I love you first, you meet his parents before he meets yours, you meet his friends before he meets yours, etc.

Points of Interest:

He declares love first, just as he picks most of the movies, the restaurants, and the concerts the two of you go to. He might sometimes ask you for your preference, in which case you can tell him.

He might sometimes ask you for your preference. Until then it's Michael Bay all the way, girlfriend!

oh, and...

Don't worry. After he proposes, he will eventually meet all your friends and family.

HEADSPLOSION.


Meg's Alternate Rule:
And I quote Madonna, "Express yourself." Spineless women are not a lot of fun.


Rule 18:

Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him

Basically:
Accept his flaws or find someone else! Well, certain flaws - there are the Unforgivable Curses of this realm: flirting with other girls in front of you, exhibiting violent behavior at times, not paying attention to you when you tell him something important (what? when you're letting him do all the speaking and the picking out of movies and restaurants?), or if he forgets your birthday.

BS Meter:
There is one thing I will stand behind here: please do what you can to get away from a violent partner. Please be careful and know that your friends love you. If you are in trouble, check out The Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE.

Points of Interest:

You must decide if you can live with him. Whether or not he ever cheats on you again, realize that the thought will always cross your mind. [...] Of course, a playboy type who falls in love with you because you did The Rules will automatically mend his ways. He will want to be monogamous because you, unlike other women he's dated, are busy, don't call him, make him wait for sex, and don't bring up marriage or the future.

Worked for Annette Bening!

Meg's Alternate Rule:
How would you feel if someone set about to change your habits? Sucks, right? Maybe you like to eat tofu in bed! Screw you, dude! You didn't even give it up on the first date! Now, let's reframe this: how do you feel about growing together in a partnership where you're each working on your own stuff at your own speed? And encouraging each other? And being hippies. That's not so bad, right?

Rule 19:

Don't Open Up Too Fast

Basically:
Wait until he says he loves you to tell him that you have abandonment issues, creditors knocking at your door, are in AA, have surgery scars, etc. Because once he says he loves you, those things don't matter! The Rules is magic, you see?

BS Meter:
From my point of view, if someone I was dating waited until we spilled out the ILYs to tell me that they had some serious stuff they were dealing with, I would feel a bit weird. Oh, but you don't understand, The Rules says,

It is morally wrong to accept an engagement ring without revealing whatever truths about yourself you need to share.

Yeah, so just slip that in somewhere between the breezy first few dates and the "blessed proposal."

Points of Interest:
I present to you without comment the following quotes:

After a couple of months when he's madly in love with you and you feel that he would not judge you for your drinking problem, you can tell him something like, "I used to drink a lot in college. It really made me sick. Now I'm in AA and I don't drink anymore. I feel better. Then smile and go on to other, more pleasant conversation.
[...]
He should always feel that he's in love with the girl of his dreams, not someone damaged.
[...]
Don't bring up illness in a serious, heart-to-heart talk on your first date. Remember, especially in the beginning, don't be too intense about anything or lay all your cards on the table.
[...]
No man wants to hear how wrong or messed up your life has been before he really loves you.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
I'monna walk a fine line here because you know, maybe "I have $100,000 of debt" is not a great first date factoid. It's hard to share these kinds of things and you want to wait for the right time. But if you have intimacy issues or something else that might be good to be shared before hitting it the first time, please DO share before hitting it the first time. And special note: if you're a virgin, it's totally cool to be up front with that when it seems like you might be on Sex Before Marriage Blvd. Unless you don't want to reveal such facts, in which case that's totally cool, too. Your body, your choice.

Rule 20:

Be Honest but Mysterious

Basically:
Don't give away any information that is not absolutely necessary. Less is more. Men love mystery.

BS Meter:
Awesome. Hide your Prozak (it says this IN THE BOOK, I swear to God), hide your gross bathrobe, hide your self-help books (which you don't need because you are a butterfly or something, remember?), and if someone calls while he's over just say "can't talk" and hang up, never telling him who was on the phone. OH! But don't lie! It's a "law of the universe."

Points of Interest:

When he is in your apartment, don't listen to your answering machine. Let him wonder who called you besides him! You might know that the messages are probably from girlfriends feeling suicidal about their dating situations, but he doesn't!

Two things. One: I'm guessing your girlfriends went on a 14 hour first date that included disco dancing and then slept with the guy, thereby not following The Rules. That's probably why they're suicidal. Two: um, help your suicidal girlfriends! You are a terrible friend.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Okay, there is mystery and then there is stupidity. I'm all for shoving the mess in the closet when company is over and pretending I cleaned, but I'm not about to pepper my house with "intersting or popular novel or nonfiction books in full view." You wanna love me? You're gonna have to get in bed with Harry... Potter, that is.