In true Philadelphia fashion, we have completely skipped spring and summer started yesterday. Girls wearing shorts so short they can only be termed "jeans underwear" hit the streets and boys were wearing tank tops. The people who get weekly pedicures gleefully busted out their sandals and people like me who think pedicures are NO FUN AT ALL continued to wear shoes that don't show our gross feet.
This morning I woke up sweating slightly. You could call it my morning glisten but believe me, it looks way less attractive than you think. Even though I went to bed reading Bossypants (which is amazing and great and holy crap, Tina Fey, please be my friend), I woke with a song in my head. And that song was Mungo Jerry's "In The Summertime."
You guys, I hate this song. It's not the song itself - certainly the sunny music and jaunty melody are infectious - it's the lyrics. Let's examine, shall we? (WARNING: Triggers below. This song is super-date-rapey.)
In the summertime when the weather's high,
you can stretch right up and touch the sky,
when the weather's fine,
you got women, you got women on your mind.
Okay, not so bad yet....
Have a drink, have a drive,
go out and see what you can find.
WHAT?! No! Do not encourage drinking and driving, Mungo Jerry! I realize it was the 70s and I have seen Dazed and Confused enough times to know that apparently the thing to do was fill your trunk with beer and tool around, but that is DANGEROUS.
Okay, now all I can think of is that scene in Jesus Christ Superstar where the guy with the deep voice intones "He is daaaaaaaangerous." Eh, it was just Easter. Free pass.
If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal.
If her daddy's poor, just do as you feel.
Multiple flags on the play. It seems poor logic to plan your dating activities on the relative wealth of the girl's father. Secondly, this is an icky date rape type lyric. I think these lines are the reason I hate this song so much.
Speed along the lane,
Do a ton, or a ton and twenty-five.
Drinking and driving and driving fast are not a good combination. Even Vin Diesel would agree and who are we to question Vin Diesel?
When the sun goes down, you can make it,
make it good in a lay-by.
Side of the road sex. Possibly non-consensual.
We're not grey people, we're not dirty, we're not mean.
We love everybody, but we do as we think.
F'n hippies. Hippies who drink and drive and take advantage of girls whose fathers may or may not be able to afford lawyers.
When the weather's fine
we go fishing or go swimming in the sea.
We're always happy,
life's for living, yeah, that's our philosophy.
I'm not going fishing with you, Mungo Jerry. Who knows what you got in your tacklebox.
Sing along with us, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.
Da-da-da-da-da...Yeah, we're happy happy,
When the winter's here, then it's party time.
Bring a bottle, wear your bright clothes.
It'll soon be summertime, and we'll sing again,
we'll go drivin' or maybe we'll settle down.
This is pretty accurate. Lots of parties around the holidays and all anyone can ever talk about is how they can't wait for summer. Even though everyone knows that red wine tastes better in the winter.
If she's rich, if she's nice,
bring your friends and we'll all go into town.
But don't bring any poor girls to my fucking Christmas party this year!