Progression of Male Celebrity Crushes

This delightful article on Brando over at The Hairpin is a little bit less about Hollywood scandal than it is about "seriously, you guys: Brando. AmIright!?" I was struck by one paragraph in particular...

But as evidenced so thoroughly above, Brando was also spectacularly, ruinously handsome. And while he certainly inspired no small amount of teen squeals, he was no teen idol. He left that job to James Dean, who was busy mimicking the Brando scowl and mumble. Crucially, Dean was also more accessible to girls still ambivalent enough about actual sex that they want their objects of affection feminine-faced and shiny, looking like they’ve just come from a facial and an eyebrow wax. (See also Zac Efron, young Leonardo DiCaprio, and David Cassidy.)

It makes so much sense, but I never thought of it before! I started to think about my Hollywood crushes over the years to see if I could find any sort of journey from feminine-featured to, you know, MAN... and then I decided you should come along with me on this (sometimes unfortunate) trip down memory lane. Enjoy the ride!

Okay, so we start with Eddie Furlong. I loved him. I also loved this kid Jared in my grade school who looked just like him oh my god.

Totally still hot... you know, if you're in 8th grade.

Next I made the logical jump to Gilbert Blythe because I was/am a girlnerd.

Gil will always be my #1 main man. I don't need marble arches...you know the rest.

Girlnerdery continued down literature-adapted-for-screen road right to the feet of one very feminine Christian Bale.

Spoiler alert: Every time I watch this movie I yell at Jo when she refuses Laurie.

Then, I suppose I started growing up a little, though I think this era of Depp was a bit feminine-tinged.

Still totally hot, though.

Oh man and then I saw RENT on Broadway and fell deeply and irrevocably in love with Taye Diggs.

I imagine that simply by existing in this world Taye Diggs has restored many a groove.

UGH, I suppose I have to admit to this. Freshman year of college? Definitely had a gigantic Ben Affleck poster in my dorm room.

It's okay, I'm rolling my eyes at myself too.

Then I saw the film version A Streetcar Named Desire for the first time and I was pretty much convinced that I had never actually seen a man before in my life. Affleck who?

Obviously, we nicknamed Streetcar-era Brando "Liquid Sex."

I think perhaps Brando may have been the shift because for a while I was like "Handsome and rugged, please!"

I refuse to reimburse you because you shorted out your laptop drooling over Ken Watanabe...mostly because I have to get mine replaced too.

Oh right! And then I couldn't get over accents, specifically Liam Neeson's.

The craggier he gets, the better he gets. Crows feet on men, amIright!?

I think then I had a moment of drooling over celebrities closer to my age, like sweet sweet Mos Def.

Hot AND funny AND musically inclined? Yes please.

Oh god, and then Kal Penn. I adore Kal Penn. ADORE.

Hot AND funny AND has met the President. Neat!




In the end, you can fall in and out of love a million times, but there's always the one with whom you'd like to grow old.

Mine happens to have a tattoo that says "Wino Forever." Not only hilarious, but practical and maybe true.




That wasn't too embarrassing! Luckily I didn't trace through my rock and roll crushes. Because I mean, when you start here:

...and move on to various members of the Monkees.... yeah, there's no recovering from that.

Why Everyone Should Eat More Pork Belly

Because it is DELICIOUS.

This morning I posted to Facebook a query of what I should talk about on WTS today. I got a few suggestions, including the title of this post. Let's go through them, shall we?

Pork Belly

My favorite pork belly dish in the city was at Chew Man Chu, which has sadly closed its doors. I had an amazing bahn mi with pork belly a few months ago but I can't remember where and that is KILLING ME. The 10 Hour Pork 'Kakuni’ at Morimoto is a real can't-miss. And my friends Anthony and Rosey have both been experimenting with their own pork belly adventures. That exhausts my knowledge of pork belly - but not my enthusiasm!

To iron or not...

Here's the thing: I don't mind ironing but it's a hassle. What I try hard to do is get the laundry out of the dryer immediately and then put the things that wrinkle hardcore on hangers in my closet as fast as possible. That's not always practical, which is why I usually am dragging a tshirt into the bathroom with me before a shower. This morning I was torn between 2 shirts to wear with my black pencil skirt: a green v-cut stripey shirt and a white classic t. I put them both on hangers and hung them outside the shower curtain and closed the window. I took a steamy shower and decided that the white shirt had relaxed more wrinkles than the green, so that is what I wore today. Fashion decisions! Obviously, I had to jazz it up a bit so today I am experimenting with a tucked in shirt under pencil skirt and a gigantic green beaded necklace. I think it's working for me.

Pop culture. Anything celebrityish.

I can tell you that at the very least I know one person who will be very glad to have Casey Novak back in the courtroom on SVU. I am completely devastated that Chris Meloni is leaving the show, though I suppose that will give him more time to fondle his sweaters and hump his fridge.

In other pop culture news, I watched Access Hollywood last night for about as long as I could stand it before my brain leaking out of my ears. They were doing a feature on stunning celeb transformations featuring Jordin Sparks, Jennifer Hudson, Sara Rue, and Kelly Osborn. After basically showing footage of all of the women in bikinis (except JHud because she is classy like that) they went on to exclaim over how much weight each woman lost in a way that really sounded a lot like "CAN YOU BELIEVE WE LIKED THEM EVEN WHEN THEY WERE FATTIES!?" I turned it off when the pre-commercial teaser promised they would come back with the verdict on who had the MOST stunning transformation. I think all of them were hot before and after and I can't figure out why it has to be a competition.

That said, the vintage bathing suit Sara Rue was wearing in this "feature" was absolutely adorable and I covet it. Also her hair. I covet her hair.

How to pack for a 10 day trip...

Yeah right, as if I know. When I went to Chicago I was not prepared for it to be 40 degrees and raining the whole time. Here is a photo of me putting on socks ON THE STREET to wear with my OPEN TOED SHOES so I could be warm.



Not the highest fashion moment of my life.

Questions, questions

Last week I decided I was going to defy all of the color laws I have always known and pair a black tshirt with a brown skirt. "Screw it," I thought, "this will look awesome!" And honestly, it would have if the skirt didn't hit me in exactly the wrong place. Which is really a shame because I've loved that skirt for years and yes, it's kind of polyester, and yes, I have to safety pin it closed so that the front will lay flat but... okay, I'm getting rid of the skirt. You convinced me.

I always thought never mix black and brown, shoes/belt/purse must match, black stockings with black shoes, etc. Thank god for Stacy and Clinton and their "color, pattern, texture, shine" mantra. I don't always stick to those rules but when I do want to shake things up wardrobe-wise, I find them helpful.

The first rule I broke was black stockings with black shoes. I think it just looks matronly on me. I am SO TIRED of sheer black pantyhose. In summer, I like a bare leg. In the winter I actually prefer pantyhose that have a little bit of shine or shimmer to them, because that makes me feel like Tina Turner. And honey, when you feel like Tina Turner you can do anything. The next rule to go was shoes/belt/purse matching. I'm now anti-matchy-matchy. It's way more fun to mix metallic[a]s. I only usually wear a belt with dresses or with the curvy jeans I got from the Gap which fit my lovely and robust hips but tend to slip from my waist.

Just as there is no perfect partner, I have found that there are no perfect jeans... for under $60.

Now I am excited to explore the brave world of brown and black together! I am thinking I will try again this week with my brown capri pants (you heard me: capri pants) (I am short and they look cute on me) and a black tshirt. Maybe a patterned black tshirt. ooh WATCH OUT!

But I have a question for you, my dear readers: Seriously? Are we doing navy and black together? Isn't that, what is the word I'm looking for... crazy?! Is it? Or should I just try it and see what happens? Will I hate everything and feel like I'm wearing a sign that says "Cannot Dress Self" all day? Do you do navy and black? Inquiring mind wants to know!

Jogging in Lipstick: Rules 26-30

Oh my god. I didn't post any Rules in June. I truly did not realize it had been that long! What did you do without The Rules!? Were you all running around not wearing any makeup, seeing your love interest multiple times a week, talking on the phone for hours, asking for what you want in bed? Well, me too. HIGH FIVE! But now it's time to get back on track!!! As usual, all block quoted text belongs to the minds behind the madness, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

*Ahoy! Thar be triggers below! Proceed with caution!*

Rule 26:

Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules

Basically:
Oh ho ho, The Rules don't stop once you obtain "the blessed proposal," oh no! Even if you're in a committed relationship, you must still dress prettily, refrain from initiating sex (!), refrain from calling him unless it's practical, "act independent," and take up a hobby.

Unfortunately, doing The Rules sometimes means acting single (even if you're married with children) all over again. Just be grateful you're not!

BS Meter:
Wait a minute, I thought the whole point of this crap was to get married so you didn't have to be single anymore! Now it's get married so you don't have to be single anymore but you have to act single? Also, didn't they promise us that once you get the ring you can have faults and stuff? And initiate sex? Hrmph.

Points of Interest:

If you didn't to The Rules at the beginning of your relationship, your husband might ignore you, talk to you rudely, or treat you badly. [...]Abuse doesn’t happen in a Rules relationship because when you play hard to get and he works like hell to get you, he thinks you're the most beautiful, wonderful woman in the world, even if you're not. He treats you like a precious jewel.

"He treats you like a precious jewel." Implied: even if you're not. But wait a minute here, can we take stock for a moment because we have a big list piling up of what will happen if you don't do The Rules. You will end up sad and lonely, get raped, and now you'll be a victim of spousal abuse. I'm also willing to bet I could disprove their assertion that women who follow this book are not abused.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Always be yourself and then you won't have to remember to be someone else whether you are friends, dating, engaged, or married. It's really easy, though sometimes that means you end up freaking out at your partner about not having made enough taco dip for the barbeque EVEN THOUGH YOU TOLD HIM A MILLION TIMES THAT 20 PEOPLE WERE COMING!

Rule 27:

Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It's Nuts

Basically:
"We know this shit is crazy and so does everyone else, but don't let them tell you that until we've made our money, okay?"

They suggest you find other women who do The Rules and talk to them when you feel like calling your man, so that you don't end up talking to your friends or family who will tell you that The Rules is insane. Also, if said friends or family tells you that The Rules is insane, you are not supposed to defend it - just smile and change the subject.

BS Meter:
You know how on automatic cars there is a gear shift dial and 6 and 7 are marked in red like "this is very not good for your car but it can TOTALLY do this"??? We're at 7.

Points of Interest:

If you can't find any like-minded women to support you in doing The Rules, just read this book a lot, carry it around in your purse to refer to on long supermarket lines, and practice what you read as much as possible. Believe us, if you do The Rules, you'll be too busy dating your future husband to care or even think about what anyone else is doing or what anyone else thinks of what you are doing.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Um, don't do The Rules.

Rule 28:

Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School

Basically:
Even if you are in high school, you could stand to lose a few pounds, get rid of your acne, always stay busy, act like a lady, and not ask boys out. They'll ask YOU!

BS Meter:
Man, high school is hard enough without trying to do The Rules on top of everything else. There are a couple of good points here, though (for real!):
* If you decide to have sex, condoms are your friends.
* Don't do drugs or get drunk all the time
* Don't let your boyfriend sway your choice of college.

Points of Interest:

Spend your babysitting money on manicures and some pretty clothes. Wear makeup, but not too much. The idea is to look pretty, not overdone.

Read: whorey.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
That last little tip about not letting a boyfriend sway your choice of college is key. If yours is a love for the ages, you'll stay together and then you'll have a blessed proposal and all will be well. But most likely you'll break up after Columbus Day once you've seen each other again and determined a)there are so many fish in the sea and some of them come from Not Your Hometown, or b)one of you is gay. That's pretty much how it goes. So don't get stuck at a school just because you couldn't imagine not going to college with the person you dated in high school.

Rule 29:

Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College

Basically:
Don't gain weight. Don't get date raped. (SERIOUSLY. IT BASICALLY SAYS THAT.) Be social. Study. Wear makeup.

BS Meter:
This one is kind of all over the place but with a major mean-girl flavor. A lot of the advice has to do with not being a puppy dog, trying to make boys you like notice you. That's kind of okay. But a lot of it has to do with your appearance. NOW: Looking back on some photos of myself in college, yeeeeeah. I could have probably done without wearing the same shirt every other day and/or washing my hair more often. That probably would have been good.

Points of Interest:

Pick a major and a career goal. College is not about picking up your MRS degree, although you may very well meet your future husband on campus. Still, you must exercise your brain, both for his sake and yours. Don't be a ditz!

Suggested career goal: writing a best-selling book about getting a man to marry you.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
College is fantastic. Work hard, play hard, avoid drugs and alcohol from people you don't know (even when free), use condoms. But really: work harder than you play.

Rule 30:

Next! and Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection

Basically:
No wallowing! No sadness! Practice saying "his loss!" and then go out looking fabulous.

BS Meter:
On the scale of crazy Rules this one isn't so bad. I hate to say it, but after the end of my long term relationship, I endeavored to try to always look put together when I left the house. However, that also somewhat coincided with starting this blog and now everyone judges everything I wear all the time and makes comments if I'm not wearing a necklace, so this could be a chicken and egg scenario.

Points of Interest:

By behaving around men in a Rules way - independent and busy, not needy or aggressive - we do not put ourselves in a position to be hurt.

Because we're unfeeling automatons.

Meg's Alternate Rule:
Rejection and breaking up sucks but whiskey RULES. Whiskey with awesome friends RULES EVEN MORE. That's the kind of Rules I like!

Okay, look. I know I promised you Rules but personal life took over my blogging time last night and this morning. Please bear with me. I swear you will soon find out how to use The Rules as a high school student. SERIOUSLY THEY WROTE A CHAPTER ABOUT IT. I've been sort of feeling stuck about writing lately (not exactly here, but it does translate), and then I realized I'd already written about it a couple of years ago. This is long and does not have pictures, but I'm offering it up to you, my dear 6 readers, as a glimpse into my weird little world.

***

I don't remember the first play my parents took me to see. I know it was Charlotte's Web but the only thing I remember from it was that I got a plastic spider ring at the end of the play and I just loved wearing that thing. I guess you could say my first lasting impression of theatre was the jewelry.

What I remember as my first OK I LIKE THEATRE STUFF moment happened in 4th grade. I was trying to write a play but I was frustrated because my mind went faster than I could write. I complained to my dad about it and he very kindly agreed that when he tucked me in at night I could dictate the play to him. I remember there was some sort of limit set, because I could have just kept going that first night until the play was done. I don't remember if it was a time limit or a page limit, but I would just lie in bed and Dad would stand next to my bed and write everything that came out of my mouth. It was Cindy - an adaptation of Cinderella. When it was done, it was like 20 pages long and chock-a-block with 4th grade humor about cutting the cheese and wall-to-wall with what a 10 year old girl thinks falling in love is going to be like. Oh, and it was a musical. I was obsessed with Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814 tape, so I worked the story around the songs. Like when Cindy, after having met Paul (the substitute for the Prince) was mooning over him in her room, she said to her best friend, "I miss him much." Cue the timeless Janet Jackson classic "I Miss You Much."

Here's the amazing thing (even more amazing now that I'm older and I know how hard this must have been for my dad): Dad never once laughed at me, never once questioned the dramaturgical necessity of "Escapade," and never once suggested a change a line. The only things he said to me were, "Hold on, hold on I'm still writing," and "Who is saying this line?" Once the play was finished, I was so excited I could hardly get to sleep. Dad helped me further by typing it up for me on the computer. I could sort of type but it would have taken me a month to try to do the whole thing, whereas he was able to punch it out in a couple of hours.

When it was finished, I dragged him out to our back patio to show him where everyone would stand in which scenes. I had it all worked out in my head. I brought the play in to show my teachers. Most of them were impressed that one of their nerdy 4th graders spent her free time writing a play (and probably impressed that my parents paid attention to me enough to help out). I will never forget the anger I felt when Ms. B, my English teacher who had cruelly made us read The Red Badge of Courage, remarked that it was not possible I did this alone. I admitted that Dad had written it out for me because my hands couldn't go fast enough and I really couldn't type either, but I insisted that the content was all mine. She didn't believe me.

That's when I found out that my mother is a truly terrifying woman to those who doubt the talents of her offspring. She marched up to school and...well, I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if my mother threatened to come after her if she ever tried to squelch my artistic ambitions again, but that might just be my gin-damaged adult brain knowing how fierce my mom is. Not surprisingly, when I asked a different teacher if I could put the play on for the class, my wish was granted. (Looking back, Ms. B was a miserable divorcee who had to deal with precocious 4th graders many years ahead of their reading level, and who was a chain smoker not permitted to smoke for many hours at a time. She and my mom were great adversaries because they were both fairly scary.)

Do you see the fairy tale within the fairy tale here? The privileged little girl whose parents love her very much blast obstacles out of her path to artistic freedom. It's a classic.

So, I got to direct the show I wrote! And because of that, I cast the boy I had a crush on for many years as Paul and I cast my painfully shy best friend as Cindy. My butch-ish friend and my other painfully shy friend were the stepsisters. The girl I always hated/envied was cast as the evil stepmother. I don't remember who else was in it. And my first gay friend was cast as Paul's right hand man and also did the choreography because he knew all the dances- EVER. And we did the play in school, in the middle of the day. I had a purple boom box that I brought in to play the tape on (there was lip syncing to all of the songs of course) and I got to wear a regular dress instead of my uniform because it was a big day for me. The other reason I got to wear a cute party dress was because my painfully shy best friend who was playing the lead role refused to dance or lip sync in front of our peers. So at those points in the script I would step in and do it for her. She was so very shy that I could barely hear her lines and I kept thinking "I should have just done this myself!" This is probably why Tarantino is in all of his own movies.

I have a very clear memory of five minutes before the play was set to begin, standing in the coat closet, freaking out because I realized that no one except the choreographer (of course) had bothered to memorize their lines. My other teacher, Mrs. G, came into the back to calm me down. She said, "Slow down. It's going to be okay. No one expects it to be perfect." And I looked her square in the face and said, "Well, I do!" And I remember she laughed and gave me a hug and told me to make sure the boom box was turned on.

In the end, I have no memory of the play except when I performed "I Miss You Much" and kept seeing my dear friend the choreographer out of the corner of my eye, doing the dance "with me" offstage in the coat closet. He was an amazing dancer - he taught me "If" and "Vogue" and so many other dances from the very early 90s. It was a special time for us.

I've been thinking about Cindy a lot lately. I've been examining that first theatre experience, that "Let's put on a show!" mentality, and trying to figure out where it came from and why it has stayed with me. My parents have been the most supportive people from the moment the word "play" crossed my lips - they have done everything in their power to make sure I know that they believe in me and I am very grateful for that.

As Gigi and I dive back into writing for our upcoming holiday show, Chlamydia for Christmas and Herpes for Hanukkah: More Sex-Ed Burlesque for the Holidays, I keep coming back to this first experience in 4th grade. There is something about the urgency of writing it, the excitement of putting it on for my classmates and teachers, my expectation that it be perfect...something in there I need to harness. I know a lot has changed about me in the intervening years, but in my heart, I get excited about theatre I get to create. I've started to panic about this new piece not being any good, but I need to shut that voice up hard. And I think it needs to start just the way it did before, with me and a pencil and a piece of paper. Thank god my writing and typing skills have sped up in the years since Cindy; I just don't think my dad could help himself from offering dramaturgical suggestions this time around.




most this little post was originally written in my livejournal (yes I still have one of those) a couple of years ago, but the last bit has been updated.

Put on your comment pants!

It's a special day here at Way Too Shay! I am completely swamped by work and life so you get to be the fashion judge. In exchange for your sure to be right on the money comments on the below "fashion," I promise I will get you a Rules post by tomorrow afternoon.

So! What do you have to say about Jill Larson, star of All My Children, seen here at the recent Daytime Emmys?





I mean, what is there not to say, right!? Have at her!

Peace offering

You guys, don't be mad at me. I keep forgetting The Rules at home! As a peace offering, I offer you two things I am completely obsessed with right now:

1. This absolutely amazing story from thebloggess.com about love and a gigantic metal chicken.

Seriously. Get the tissues because you will laugh until you sob.

2. Rosie Perez's dance to "Fight The Power," the opening credits of Do The Right Thing.

I cannot embed this for some reason, but you guys have to see it. I have been making everyone who comes within 5 feet of me and a computer watch it all weekend. 0:41 is the mark for the BEST ROGER RABBIT EVER SEEN.


okay, and a bonus for you because you are so patient... Emoticons We Need in These Troubled Times. The William Carlos Williams one is the best.

I swear this has to do with Pottermore.

You guys, I am getting my period next week.


Goodbye 2.3 male readers!


Anyway, ladies, as I was saying: Period. Next week. Thanks to the advanced science of genius medical minds, I know exactly when that is going to happen just because I take a pill everyday. Pharmaceuticals are amazing. That also means that as I empty the last row of pink pills in this pack, I know I am going to want to eat everything. Actually, no. That's not true. I have a table full of fruits and vegetables at home, including the most adorable mini watermelon ever created by god or man (the label says organic, but let's face it: probably man). Do I want to eat the adorable tiny watermelon? Well, yes, but what I want to eat more is chips, sourdough pretzels, soft pretzels, those chewy sugary peach ring things, french fries, and all the delicious and expensive cheese available in Philadelphia.

I am currently staring at a cucumber and a tomato. I brought them with me to work so I could cut them up into a lovely snack salad. I am also currently staring at an empty bag of baked Cheetos. PMS Brain: 1, Willpower: 0. I'm not quite in the depths of despair yet - at least I counted the points that bag of "baked" Cheetos cost me. On the other hand, I had to move the cucumber because at this point in my cycle I am so lustful that even seeing a vaguely phallic vegetable makes me feel amorous. So I moved it over to the other side of my desk, where it will be forgotten about until it withers and dies like all of the other well-intentioned fruits and vegetables I bought the other day.



So what I was actually going to tell you, dear 3.7 readers, is that today is Pottermore day! In case you are not an incurable nerd like me, allow me to explain. A week ago a new YouTube channel called JK Rowling Announces went up with a countdown and advice to "watch the owls." A website also unveiled called Pottermore, which was little more than JK Rowling’s signature and a link to the YouTube channel. This morning the announcement went up on both sites. Pottermore is going to be "comprehensive website with a number of features, including e-books and, Rowling says, 'additional information I’ve been hoarding for years.'" (Entertainment Weekly) This seems pretty exciting and fairly impressive that JK Rowling managed to somehow withhold the e-publishing rights to her books until now. You can go to the Pottermore site to try to submit your email to try to be one of the lucky ones to beta test the site at the end of July. I say "try" because I have been trying all day but it's constantly jammed.

What does this have to do with eating all the baked Cheetos? I'll be real with you: I straight-up shed a few tears when I watched this, which is the stupidest thing of all time. Am I really that excited about the significance of holly vs. birch for wands? I don't think I am. The paper animation is very beautiful but during any other week of the month, I'm pretty sure I would have just said "Neat!" without any moisture leaking from my eyes. See for yourself below.




Wait. Oh my god. Is JK Rowling wearing leggings as pants!? EW!

You got to just let your body go with the flow

I know, I know. It's hot, you're stuck at work, and it's only Wednesday. Things seem bleak. Hopeless. Don't give up, my dear 6 readers, because there is still pure joy in this world.

If the following video from 1991 of a 9 year old boy absolutely destroying the dancefloor to "Vogue" doesn't make you clap with glee, just go to bed and try again tomorrow. It gets extra good around the 3 minute mark.

ME AT NINE, PERFORMING TO MADONNA IN SUMMER '91! from Robert Jeffrey on Vimeo.

This reminds me of so many hours spent learning Madonna and Janet Jackson dances as a tween. If I had my way now, I would take dance class every Saturday morning, learning awesome video routines. For example...




(round about the 2 minute mark)



Beyonce into Beyonce...




And the granddaddy of them all (arguably):

(3:18 - mind blowing)


Now I want to go out dancing! Who's with me!?

file under: DUH!

According to the Trojan U.S. Sex Census (I'll just call it the Sexsus), Philadelphians are having the best sex in the country! Of course, this was reported with a pinch of disbelief by the L.A. Times.

Philadelphia ranked 10th in sex frequency at 99 times per year, but was No. 1 for satisfaction level at 82%. Go figure.

Go figure? Go figure?! Oh, I see. We're all fat cheesesteak people who like to throw things at Santa and there's no way we could possibly be sexually satisfied. Philebrity did some math for y'all, and included some colorful language to boot!

If we’re getting the math on this right, this means that you people are having 82% of your brains fucked out roughly every 3.6 days.

That's pretty good, guys! May I suggest a new "With Love" for the tourism board?


Dear Looking for Excellent Sex,
We're number 1! We're number 1!
With Love,
Philadelphia
xoxo


Enjoy this moment, Philadelphians, and keep it up.* Do your best to celebrate the first day of summer by having extremely satisfying - PROTECTED - sex. The Trojan Sexsus will settle for nothing less.



*pun intended

A belated Father's Day post

A day late, I am here with some words of wisdom from my dad over the ages. These have helped me through my life and I am sure they will help you in yours.

Walk it off.
This one can be used for physical as well as emotional injuries.

All men are scum.
This would be the constant refrain intoned to my sister, me, and any of our friends whenever a crush was announced, love was in our eyes, or we were going through heartbreak.

The Wheel of Fortune is racist.
I don't want to ruin the Wheel for you guys, but my dad has watched a lot of this show and thinks that the Wheel itself (the physical object, not like Pat Sajak or Vanna or anything - the physical wheel) is racist against African Americans. He claims to have statistical proof. He will tell you all about this at any time.

If you're well enough to drink tonight, you're well enough to go to work tomorrow.
Another classic, and a good bit of advice. You can't call out of work with a hangover. I may or may not have violated this rule in the past.

You get 24 hours to celebrate a triumph and 24 hours to mourn a defeat.
Basically, don't be a jerk. I've certainly pushed my limits on the defeat mourning in the past (with professional disappointments as well as breakups, etc.) but I try to almost never gloat for more than a day when things are good. Try.

You are special.
I think my sister and I have heard these words from my dad more than anything else. This is a very good thing to say to your children, especially when they are out in the world and convinced that they are very small fish. They might actually believe you.


And just so it doesn't get tooooo schmaltzy up in here, I present you a photo of my father taken on the day of my mom's Surprise 55th Birthday Luncheon, a red hat party.



Now that is style.

Words from Justin Timberlake's mouth regarding past fashion choices:

"God, I feel I've gone to therapy just to erase some of them. The cornrows I wore with 'N Sync. That was pretty bad. Britney and I wore matching denim outfits. Yeah, another bad choice. I'd probably pay good money to get some of those pictures off the internet."

Timberlake, you can have that photo when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.



Favorite. Picture. Ever.


Playboy via Jezebel.

Food news you may or may not be able to use

Oh man, you guys. Yesterday I finally went to Denise's Soul Food truck over outside of 30th Street Station and it was everything I ever hoped it would be. I ordered a small platter of jerk chicken with greens and mac and cheese. At $7 for a small platter, you may think Denise's is a bit expensive, but it's an absolute bargain for the amount of excellent food you get. The portions are INSANE, definitely enough for at least 2 meals. I am trying to be good and get a third lunch out of it, but that probably won't happen. Yesterday around 4:30 PM I heard the siren song of mac and cheese calling my name. Suffice it to say my lunch today had no mac and cheese. My lunch tomorrow will be lucky to have greens. I love all greens, but I am desperately butt-crazy in love with these. West Philly! You are winning me over!


In other news, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WE'RE GETTING A SHAKE SHACK!!!!! It won't happen until next year, but HOORAY. There are a few reasons for this hooray.

Reason 1: I went to Shake Shack for the first time a few months ago and it's awesome.
Reason 2: Shake Shack will be opening one half-block from the home of my theatre company.

which means...

Reason 3: Shake Shack all the time.*

So, at one intersection we will have Village Whiskey, Capogiro, and Shake Shack. Food heaven, thy name be 20th and Sansom.



Okay, and the last thing in food news is that my dear friend Anthony attempted to fashion steak into a möbius strip, mostly because he is the awesomest nerd in the world. And because he has access to meat glue.





* Yeah right. I am holding steady at my initial weight goal and would not like to see those numbers go bye-bye. MODERATION IS THE KEY. Shake Shack almost all the time.

Twist and Counter-twist

I love yoga. I'm not good at yoga, but I love it. Sometimes in my yoga classes we'll do a super deep twist and then immediately after are encouraged to do a little baby counter-twist so that we don't end up looking like a Twizzler or something. It's helpful.

Yesterday, after putting together the Fashion Rundown for the Tonys, I headed out to Science on Tap, a really cool monthly science presentation thing run by the Chemical Heritage Foundation (helpfully held at a bar that features $2.50 lagers). Walking the few blocks to the bar, I found I could not stop editing people's outfits as I walked down the street. I would see someone and think to myself, "Shorten the hem on the pants, longer sleeves." or "Great belt, would be better if it was wider and darker." I also, um, at one point heard myself actually say out loud (in a whisper, but still) "Those shoes are no one's friends."

I made the Christian Bale face and scolded myself harshly. I clearly need a counter-twist of sorts to get me out of this fashion judgment frame of mind! I was a danger to myself and others. Then I thought, well why just do the counter-twist alone? So I decided to implicate all of you who read this silly blog.

I am assigning a one-week challenge to this entire readership (but mostly for myself): Compliment at least one random stranger each day on their outfit. Be genuine. I see people every day that just look awesome but somehow I am always afraid of telling them that they look great. Why is that? They're not going to, like, shoot me for saying that they look fantastic. The worst that happens is that someone thinks I am some sort of creeper.

So please join me in this one-week challenge. Let's spread good feelings! Namaste.

Fashion Rundown: THE TONYS!

Hooo buddy! Let's put our judgey pants on and do this! Take it away, Tony Award fashions!

THE GOOD

Patina Miller!

Best dressed of the night, in a landslide. The fabric is gorgeous, the silhouette is to die for, the styling doesn't try to compete with the gown. It's sexy and sophisticated. Welcome, Patina. We can tell you've been practicing.

Sutton Foster!

Not my favorite shade, but this dress is divine on her. I love the way the fabric is ruched all the way down in a perfectly-fitted fishtail. Girlfriend could definitely use a necklace, though.

Catherine Zeta Jones!

When last we saw CZJ at the Tonys, everyone was sort of muttering to each other, "Really? CZJ won? In blue eyeshadow?" And since that time, she's been through hell with the husband-cancer thing and the bipolar disorder thing. You know what's the best way to get through hell? You take a right at Amazing Dress Avenue and then head straight down I Still Got It, Beeyotches Street. Unfortunately, our CZJ still can't figure out how to wear eyeshadow.

Angela Lansbury!

Still alive!

Chris Rock!

Okay, the hem on his pants is fairly insane and we are not going to discuss what his wife is wearing. But! This is a super sharp suit, simple and elegant, worn with fantastic shoes. Way to go, Broadway actor Chris Rock!

Ellen Barkin!

I always like to see sleeves done well. I was between Good and Meh on this one because her hair is boring and she could definitely use some bling, but since Ellen Barkin is one of the celebrities that people lie and say I resemble, I had to put her in the Good pile.

Martha Wash!

Hi! Hi! We're your Weather Girls and have we got news for you (you'd better listen)! Martha Wash is bringing it in a beautiful dress with plenty of bling. Humidity's rising...barometer’s getting low...according to our sources...the eye makeup's the only thing that would have to go...

Judith Light!

You know what? Even with the crazy 80s styling, Angela Bower is BRINGING. IT. I love this McQueen gown so much. The embellishments look like a necklace. This is basically my perfect dress. I have always liked Judith Light but now I love her forever.

Samuel L. Jackson!

Like so many things in Samuel L. Jackson's career, this shouldn't work but it really does. Yes, even the spiffed up kicks.


THE MEH

Tammy Blanchard!

While I love blue sequined lamé as much as the next girl, it appears that Tammy let the chorus of Priscilla style her. Here's the ish: with the cut of this dress, you need a little more hair going on so you don't look like you have linebacker shoulders. Balance is key, especially if you are Great of Boob and Small of Hip.

Montego Glover!

Pretty girl, pretty dress, needs a necklace, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... I fell asleep.

Edie Falco!

You'd never know Edie just finished logging 2 hours on the elliptical before hitting the red carpet. Oh wait, are you looking at her hair? Nevermind.

Viola Davis!

This woman can do vibrant silk like no one else. I'm just not sure about the construction of the dress. It seems unfinished, like it was tacked and she was sewn into it. I think the problem for me is the draping on the hips - it's uneven and doesn't look polished. And the slit hits in an odd spot and the shoes seem a little fussy for everything that's going on with the gown. That said, her makeup is perfect (how many lipsticks did she try before she found that one?) and I really really really want her haircut.

Jennifer Damiano!

Pretty dress, needs a necklace, should have worn those shoes in red or blue.

Anika Noni Rose!

Pretty dress, lovely cuff, I like the flower, shoes with bows (I love that)... but nothing really goes together. Each piece is lovely on its own, but there is no continuity from head to foot, which makes it seem amateurish.

Elizabeth Rodriguez!

Beautiful dress but so shiny and way too close to her actual skin tone to pop.

Marg Helgenberg!

Snoozefest. But damn if girlfriend doesn't look amazing.


THE BAD

Brooke Shields!

I like Brooke Shields, so I'm going to keep this as nice as possible. EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH THIS.

Lily Rabe!

Again with the too close to your actual skin tone! Ugh, this is just depressing. And that lipstick! Get the smelling salts, I'm going to pass out!

Kelsey Grammer's Wife Person!

That. Dress. Doesn't. Fit. Also, Courtney Love wore it much better in 1996. Now there's a sentence I don't write every day!

Joanna Lumley!

Oh dear god. Oh girl, oh no. Joanna, repeat after me: La Croix sweetie, La Croix.

Christie Brinkley!

This actually happened. It's like, "Hey look! A blousy blonde falling out of her prom gear! ..... Ohmygodit'sChristieBrinkley." I will give it to her for the FABULOUS necklace and the fact the girlfriend really knows how to work the cameras:

BUTT BOW!!!!!!

Whoopi Goldberg!

Okay, Whoop. We get it. You can't be forced into the trappings of celebrity. You march to your own drummer. And that drummer plays for The Weird Sisters. (Boom! 2 Harry Potter jokes in one day!)

Vanessa Redgrave!

Largest jacket ever, yes?

Al Pacino!

The suit doesn't fit, he missed the last button on his shiny-shiny vest, the knot on his tie is way too small for the rest of the "look," and I kid you not that is a headband. Head. Band. Al Pacino. Headband.

Frances McDormand!

WHAT THE Fff- let's pan out, shall we?


WHAT IN THE NAME OF YALE SCHOOL OF DRAMA IS THIS CRAP?! It's a maxi dress, paired with a cropped jeans jacket. Hair is not brushed, no discernable makeup, everyday glasses. At the Tonys, for crissake. This is straight up the worst thing I have ever seen at an awards show - and I just saw Al Pacino in a headband! Oh my god, I don't know that I'll ever be able to get over the absolute insanity of this outfit where there are television cameras and you know you are going to have to get on stage and speak. This outfit at the grocery store? Kind of embarrassing but whatever. This outfit at the Tonys? FOR SHAME, Mrs. Coen.

Okay, I have to be real with you guys. It's a horrifying outfit but when I saw this, I was like:

Tony teaser

Harry Potter attempts to talk 1950s-era business men into embarking on a lengthy camping trip in the woods. They are dubious.



The guy on the left thinks "Hey! Sounds like fun! It's not like it's going to be totally boring for about a hundred pages!" The guy on the right is either the most serious actor on Broadway or a Death Eater.



Professor McGonagall was otherwise engaged and could not be reached for comment.

You are now enrolled in Fashion School

Please take your seats. Today we are going to look at casual done well.

I was reading Tom and Lorenzo early this morning and marveling at their unique combination of genius writing and spot-on fashion commentary, when I found these two photos that perfectly demonstrate everything we've been talking about lately, sartorially-speaking. Tom and Lorenzo are hugely entertaining and if you're not already reading their site, you need to start. Anyway. I've got a boy and a girl here for you, and they are both reaaaaaaally hot so I hope there's a little bit of something for everyone. Let's start with the Mr. Ryan Reynolds.



This was from the MTV Movie Awards this past weekend. I can't tell if those are jeans or jean-adjacent-pants, but they fit well and are hemmed perfectly. No pooling at the ankles. Flat front. I cannot say this enough, guys: flat front pants are a big YES. Untucked button down shirt with rolled sleeves says, I had to do the dishes real quick right before I got here. Cardigan says It might be chilly inside the award show venue. They go really well together, and by unbuttoning the bottom cardigan button our Ryan avoids a Mr. Rogers effect. The colors of the shirt, cardigan, and jean-adjacent-pants combined push this look from I Know I'm Hot And I Don't Have To Try (See What You're Missing, Scarlet?) territory into I'm Breezy and Put-Together (And I Don't Talk About My Exes). I've got to be honest with you: I don't love the color of the shoes. I suppose the lighter tan takes this ensemble from Fall to Spring, but I think I would have preferred camel or a darker brown.




And here we have Christina Hendricks at a play. No one dresses up for the theatre any more. It used to appall me, but now that I've seen how to do it right, I am going to try to mimic this look as much as possible. Here's what we're looking at: very nice, very dark wash jeans - the darker the wash on your jeans the farther they can go into evening-appropriate. Her shirt is slightly low-cut without being vulgar and it falls exactly at the right place to accentuate her hips without falsely enlarging them. Do you see it? It's right in that magic space at the bottom of the hips and tops of the thighs. Breaking up the horizontal stripes she has a crop blazer, buttoned. A crop blazer is a tricky thing because it has to fit just right and, especially when paired with a shirt like this, it has to be buttoned. This brings attention to your waist, and paired with a shirt that falls at the right spot on the hip-thigh junction (Hip-Thigh Junction what's your function?/Giving us guidance for where shirts should end...) it just spells You Cannot Handle How Much Woman I Am But I'm Gonna Let You Try. Ladies with ample breasts, this is a great neckline so you don't have the dreaded double boob* showing through your tshirt. Big earrings, no necklace and that is the right answer for this look! I like how she takes this from nice to fab with the technicolor accessories - blue shoes, green bag, red-red hair. You'll notice the fabric on the shoes and bag is the same, which makes them seem like they belong together even though they are different colors. I do not, however, advocate matching your nail polish to your lipstick. That's a little much, Christina.



*You know what I'm talking about. Stop wearing demi bras and this will end for you. Full coverage is your friend.

More thoughts on this to come...

Giant baby crib...




Big girl bed!

And oh! As I fade away...

Lots of big changes happening for me! Physical relocation at work, a new bed, a Patti LaBelle-esque new attitude... but how this adds up for you, my dear 6 readers, is that today's post is not all that great. I'm going to do the laziest thing possible and give you a bunch of links. Maybe you've seen them, maybe you haven't... here's to your last hour of the East Coast work day.

First! The title of this post is from my favorite Blind Melon song - "Change". I know you're all like "Um, I was unaware that there was more than one Blind Melon song." You guys, prepare to lose your mind over the sweetest three minutes of alt-hippie mandolin music you've ever heard. (PS, I had never seen this video before. RIP, Shannon Hoon.)



Second! I would like to direct your attention to 50 Nerdy Things to Do Before You Die from the now (sadly) defunct Park Bench. I was a contributor on this list, as were some of our dear 6 readers. It's pretty awesome if I do say so myself, even if it is a little dated now with all that talk of the yet-to-be-made Harry Potter theme park. Obviously, I cried the tears of girly joy mentioned in #43.

Third! You guys read Hyperbole and a Half, right? If not, OH MY GOD GET ON THIS IMMEDIATELY. It's pure, unadulterated genius. But obvs you all read it already, so we're just going to go back to a surefire highlight, The God of Cake. "I would eat all of the cake or I would evaporate from the sheer power of my desire to eat it." I cannot wait until the Hyperbole and a Half book comes out.

4! (switching it up on you there) Every snarky girl's pretend other best friend Mindy Kaling (first pretend best friend is always Tina Fey) (other other pretend best friend is Wanda Sykes) is coming out with a book! Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? won't come out until November but an excerpt of the book is available online! Here's something from Best Friend's Rights and Responsibilities that I obviously need to pay attention to, since Mindy Kaling is my pretend other best friend.

WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED
If we’re on a trip or if our boyfriends are away, and there’s a bed bigger than a twin, we’re partnering up. It is super weird for us to not share a bed. How else will we talk until we fall asleep?

5! This is Philly Beer Week and that is fantastic! Even better? My theatre company is hosting our First Annual Flashpoint Brewfest this coming Saturday at 2PM at Noble American Cookery (they of the plate of purple food). Come one, come all! Get your tickets here! Bonus: I am a judge, which means I will be dressed up like Nina Garcia, Fashion Director for Marie Claire Magazine.*





*no I won't

Stop documenting sexy things!

Listen, y'all. We've talked about this before. But apparently some people don't read my blog *cough*AnthonyWeiner*cough*. Anthony? Can I talk to you for a moment over here?


Duuuuuuuuuuuude. Seriously? It's not bad enough that your last name is Weiner or that you sent a picture of yourself to some chick with two cats in the background and a message that said, "Me and the pussys." Actually, that WOULD be bad enough because that is some corny stuff right there. But then you went on to send around photos of your "bulging underpants".


-- SIDEBAR --
Thank you, Huffington Post, for protecting our delicate eyes from the word "boner." We owe you one.

...A boner, I mean. Obvs.

-- /SIDEBAR --



-- SIDEBAR 2 --
One time, one of my theatre colleagues slipped up while giving the curtain speech before a show and instead of thanking our "individual donors" he thanked our "individual boners." Classic.
-- /SIDEBAR 2 --


So, Anthony, what were you doing? Sexting is really risky no matter how you slice it, and photos just make it worse. Surely you must have seen how this could go wrong? Now go back over there while I address the class.


For the sake of our sanity/careers/future happiness, I recommend we all just assume here and now that you can trust no one with documentation of sexy things. Video, email, photos, texting - it's all fairly dangerous. Oh the occasional "I am going to make out with your face" text can probably be trusted because, whatever, of course you are. But! The explicit stuff that rips back the protective cover of imagination is not advised. It's going to get out, accidentally or not... right, JLo? (Is that not the most sexual performance face photo in the history of the world? Stay classy, TMZ.)

True fact: if you've sent a sexual photo text to one of my friends, there's a pretty good chance I've seen it. Let me break it down: You send a photo of your junk to one girl. She is sort of like "?!" and within 45 seconds, at least 5 girls have seen it and are now commenting on it. Allow me to be more clear: WE SHOW EACH OTHER THAT KIND OF STUFF! And this goes both ways! Keep it PG in terms of what you document and you'll never have cause for worry.