Welcome back to Project Runway! Season 9! ... that can't be right.
Just a reminder: there will definitely be spoilers, so don't get your snow pants in a twist. This year's excitement starts with Heidi acknowledging our fatigue after so many years of people getting thrown under buses and not being here to make friends. In a bit of a switch up Frau Klum, Our Little Orange Angel, NinaGarciaFashionDirectorforMarieClaireMagazine, and The Silver Fox Tim Gunn are going to do some last minute judging and then cut 4 people from the "final" lineup before a challenge even begins. They all look absolutely thrilled to be there. Let's meet the designers and find out what we need to know about them!
Postponed her wedding in Iceland to do Project Runway. You can smell her being cut from the moment those words escape her mouth. And yes, she's sent immediately back to her (now probably annoyed) fiancé.
The love child of Katt Williams and Prince. He loves his hair.
Pronounced Oliver. Has a fake British accent. His hair is roughly the same shade as mac and cheese.
Came from money and has attitudes about things! Tom and Lorenzo are calling her Blonde Kenley, which cannot be good.
My knee-jerk reaction favorite from the first moment.
She's sporty! She makes a LOT of outerwear! Hopefully she'll end up being one of those contestants who has no patience for the rest of these assholes.
Is afraid that his bronzer is running when he cries. Seriously. He said, "Is my bronzer running?"
On the verge of tears at all times and somehow... is straight? That can't be right.
All you have to know is that his name is Gunnar Deatherage. Even though he is immediately sent home, PR fans for years to come will speak with wonder that there was ever an almost-testant named Gunnar Deatherage.
What is actually amazing is that Fallene (Fallene, Fallene Falleeeeeeeeeeeene - I'm beggin of you please don't take my man) may have gotten the golden ticket onto the show because of the pants seen here. Which make her look like Mr. Tumnus. In a related story, Nina is losing her damn mind.
...made no impression on me whatsoever. Thankfully he was sent home immediately so I don't have to come up with anything clever to say about him.
I've now watched two episodes and every time the runway show starts and the title reads "Danielle" I'm like, who the hell is Danielle? And then they cut to her and I'm like, is she on the show?
Always looks like someone farted.
Aw, such a cute little hipster! I predict he'll be the first to drop the "not here to make friends" bomb. Or the "threw me under the bus" bomb.
He's got a hell of a lot of back story! Used to design for major houses, lost 2 friends and a partner to AIDS, became an alcoholic, dried out, and now he's on PR introducing himself as 102 years old.
Her name is Becky Ross. It is physically impossible for me not to read her name as Betsy Ross.
Former Miss Trinidad. Learned to sew in the cab on the way to the first day of filming.
He makes a lot of OMG faces. I imagine that two years ago all of his friends got really sick of him constantly exclaiming "I DIE! THAT IS BANANAS!"
The judges immediately sniff out her wishy-washy fears and cut her. Goodbye, Amanda PrettyHair, goodbye.
He's gonna talk a lot of shit about a lot of people.
Okay, so once TSFTG and Heidi make a terribly dramatic deal out of cutting those 4 people and watching them drag their sad suitcases full of camera-ready outfits out of the warehouse space, they have the traditional champagne toast. But with a twist! Heidi gets drunk and flubs her lines. Fantastic. I love you, Klum.
And we're back at Atlas this year! Yay! Everyone settles in and tries to make small talk. One of the girls says something about how she will make breakfast for everyone, and you can basically hear the entire viewing population condescend to her as one, "Oh honey. That's a cute idea."
And then it is 5 AM and TSFTG is letting himself into their apartments unannounced, telling them to get up, grab their top sheet, and meet him outside in their pajamas. Tim Gunn! It is not cool to just go into someone's room when they are asleep! You don't want to be confused with a creepy sparkle vamp, do you?
So everyone walks through Manhattan at 5 AM in their pajamas, some with makeup smeared across their face, some cursing the day they signed up for a reality competition show that would wake them up and put them on camera before they had time to reapply bronzer. They walk past Bryant Park, which will soon hold the tent where the finalists show their collections. So they all have to be like "oooh, Bryant Park," when it's really just some concrete and trees at the moment. And then they're at Parsons The New School for Design.
And here's where we feel the truth of how long we've been watching PR. As they walk in, one of the designers starts to talk about the ghosts of the designers before them who have used this room, these sewing machines. And it IS sort of nice and sort of weird to remember back to all of those people we grew to hate and/or love walking into Parsons on their first challenge. (Except for the dreadful season in LA, of which we will not speak.)
So! Challenge! Make something out of the clothes on your back plus that sheet you just slept under. You have a day! Here are your model measurements! (If you've ever seen the show before you'll know that the model measurements are inaccurate and that you shouldn't really finish anything before they come in for a fitting! *FORESHADOWING*) Here are some scrubs you can wear since you'll be using your current clothing for the challenge! You're all going to look adorable as you bitch and moan!
And then TSFTG tosses an obligatory and kind of half-hearted "Make it work" over his should on his way back to his apartment for a nap before he comes back to tell everyone that he is concerned. I hate that he now has to say “make it work” all the time. It’s lost its magic. Oh! When TSFTG does come back after his nap, he sees that Rafael has not yet made use of his headscarf - the only actually interesting piece of fabric on his body. Rafael is afraid to take it off because he is clearly aware that he is on TV and does not want to look like a disaster on the first episode of PR. Understandable, sure, but Nina's not going to want to hear it. She'll give you that look.
You think I do this for my health? Take off your headscarf.
Anya is all "I've never dyed fabric! I've never sewn silk! I must be so silly to try this on the first challenge!" and I have to call a little bit of bullshit on that. She's fine- everything gets done and everyone is satisfactorily impressed that she didn't know how to sew until 4 months ago. It's a great racket: say how little you know about a skill and then pull it off pretty well and people will think you just spun gold out of hay. I'm giving her the side-eye, though.
Not-gay-but-actually-gay Josh has made teeny tiny white shorts to his model's measurements and is like, "These will be tight - I hope they fit!" CLASSIC MISTAKE. Of course his model is bigger than her measurements and now he has to fix them and the little tank top he made. Just wait until you see what he does to fix them. Everyone goes to the Garnier hair studio and the Loreal Paris makeup room and every single designer sounds like an idiot describing what they want their models to look like. And every single person at home takes one look at the hair/makeup guy’s facial hair and thinks, “THAT’S what you’re going for? Huh.” And then it's time for the runway show!
First of all, your winner for the week: Bert!
So super cute and great! The clear winner, hands down. I do have to agree that the styling was WHACK, though. It made me think of this:
Nothing against Raquel, but that is kind of a dated look. Dated One Million Years B.C., BWAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I'll stop.
Adorable. It's simple, the collar is fantastic, I love it.
The fit of the top seems weird. Was the skirt sort of see-through? Or was that just me?
It looks like this model is dressed as a rain cloud in order to steal honey out of a tree. Laura was straight up wearing pink silk pajamas. And this is what she made. Tut tut, looks like rain.
When my parents had fancy dinners with cloth napkins when I was a kid, I used to love to play with the extras, draping them like a mini cape or tying them together and making a belt. I have found my kindred spirit!
Even though there is a clown puking rainbows into a toilet at the bottom of this dress, I think it's kind of cute. It's definitely a good way to establish your design asthetic.
That skirt is totally insane in a bad way. Was it designed to help someone shoplift a loaf of bread?
Awful. She called the pants snow pant-inspired at one point. They are more like raver pants - and poorly executed raver pants at that. And the shirt. Oh god, the shirt. This look just about kills me.
Too big on the top, too small on the bottom. Inexplicable blue thing in the middle. ZONK.
I actually quite like this. I like the proportions, the way the colors really shouldn't work but they do. Good job, girl I always forget is on the show!
Looks like something in the window display at Mandee.
I think it's pretty cute. Maybe a tad too safe, but not a bad first showing. I don't really get the stripe down the front and back, but it's not offensive.
First he wanted to put fur over the vagina area and TSFTG thankfully talked him down from that one. But he counters with this? This weird, sad lace patch in the front and back? Our Little Orange Angel went into absolute raptures over this look and I just. don't. get. it. It's a tank top with some "notions" sewed on and a tube skirt with a gross lace patch. If this is what's going to qualify for "good" this season, I'm out.
How happy were you to hear TSFTG say notions!? I love the notions.
This look was also hugely praised, I think mostly because the judges bought her whole "I've never sewn pants before" thing. There are fit issues on top and bottom. Yes, the pants looked great on her model's butt, but look at the front. The inseam is INSANE. And the top doesn't fit. I don't know, I just think she rooked them.
Awful. Just absolutely awful. Look at the horrible fit on those shorts. And do you see where he added a panel in the tank top? And that ugly hoodie/shrug. Seriously? Who only wants the hood part of a hoodie? Nina said incredulously, "You're showing me shorts and a tank top?" And then she mentally slapped him across the face.
Ah, but this was not Josh's week to receive the fatal double kiss. No, no. Because this happened.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww. What are those, like high-waisted equestrian jogging pants? And the shirt is awful with fit and construction issues. And look what he did with his headscarf! In the words of Michael Kors, "Flintstones disco pouch." Guest judge Christina Ricci tried to find something nice to say about this look, but then again last time we saw her she was starring in her own production of Kiss of the Spider Woman.
Rafael deserved the Auf this time, though I will be sad to see him go. He seemed to be a likeable character.