My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that's going to happen to me if I don't take drastic action.
And with that, I bookmarked her website so I can read her blog every damn day.
Don't cry, Sinead, I think you are hilarious.
You can find the entire entry here (scroll down) if you'd like to look at it (and trust me: you do) but here is the list of things Sinead O'Connor requests/requires in her lover. I'll include the lead-in because I think it's the greatest set-up to the list.
Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.
He must be no younger than 44.
Must be living in Ireland but I don't care if he is from the planet Zog.
Must not be named Brian or Nigel.
Must be blind enough to think I'm gorgeous.
Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.
Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.
I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.
No hair gel.
No hair dryer use.
No hair dye
Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.
No after shave.
Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam.
Must be wham-bam.
Has to like his mother.
Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.
Has to live in own place.
Who among us has not been here? I spent a good deal of my 23rd year listing off to various friends the attributes I would like in a partner. Some of those intersect with what Sinead is laying out here, especially the part about Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies. Although, I suppose 8 years ago RDJ wasn't quite the phoenix risen from ash that current-day RDJ is.
How totally awesome does the new Sherlock Holmes movie look? I can't wait. I just about peed myself when I saw the trailer.
Back to the list, I think if I made one now it would be different than the ones I used to muse over at 23, but not terribly much different that Sinead's hilarious and genius list. Stubble and hair, yes. RDJ, yes. Liking one's mother, yes. Wham-bam, yes. Weirdly, I am not sure I did make a list when my last relationship ended. Well, that's not true. I think my list was one item long and said
NO MORE THEATRE PEOPLE
Which means my life-long fear has been realized: I am Janet Livermore from Singles. I have successfully whittled a long list of musts such as ambition, compassion, and humor down to "says gesundheit when I sneeze. Though, I prefer bless you. It's nicer."