Golden Globes 2019 Red Carpet Rundown: The Bad!

My dear readers, we have misguided color choices, we have time travel, we have Maya Rudolph's Continuing Campaign Against Spanx (which I fully support because Spanx are a tool of the patriarchy). This particular pile is hard for me because there are so many of my faves in here but ultimately I had to look with my eyes and not with my heart. 

THE BAD

Michelle Yeoh!

What am I even looking at? I'm seeing leather and lace but also silk in three completely different shades of green. The best part of this ensemble is that she's wearing The Ring but even The Ring can't save this outfit.

Yvonne Strahovski!

If you told me this was a ghost glimpsed on the red carpet, I would believe you. Quite beyond the fact that this color makes her disappear, the perplexing choker has a very Green Ribbon vibe to it. Spoooky.

Melissa McCarthy!

This is not a dress, it's just one ill-fitting ruffle with a bunch of stars on it. How very dare someone do this to Melissa McCarthy!

Topher Grace (seen here with Ashley Hinshaw)!

I think those may be the worst shoes I have ever seen. I hate them with a fire rarely felt.

Amy Poehler!

I'm just going to say it: Amy Poehler has taste issues.

D'Arcy Carden!

Holy moly this is one of the worst looks of the night. It is poorly constructed, it's too long, the blue makes no sense, and that shape is all wrong for her and THE WORLD. It's shockingly bad.

Claire Foy!

Just a couple of notes here: it's a challenging color for her and it does not fit. Not her best showing but, amazingly, not her worst. 

Constance Wu!

While we are on the topic challenging color choices... this one hurts. While the foundation garment look is never a favorite for me, this is a genuinely pretty dress that unfortunately blends directly into her skin. We all want better for you, Connie! 

Alison Brie!

LOL wut. 

Elisabeth Moss!

This dress makes her look like her top half and bottom half are both slowly being sucked into her bellybutton. 

Maya Rudolph!

As you know, I have a theory that Maya Rudolph Refuses To Wear Spanx and she is very committed to this endeavor. While I applaud such a comfortable line in the sand, this dress is from a regional production of Gypsy - specifically the last scene where Louise is rich and famous and lounging in a fancy robe about to be photographed in the bath. Maya took it one step further and also has that post-bath hair. What a choice. 

Rachel Weisz!

I definitely saw this coffee filter couture on Project Runway one time. 

Laura Dern!

Another Project Runway special - a fancy beach cover-up  made of tissue paper honeycomb decorations. 

Gina Rodriguez!

Seems weird to wear a nightgown that doubles as a picture frame for your sternum but okay.

Emma Stone!

Why is Emma Stone dressed as Rose Nylund attending her granddaughter's wedding?

Jessica Chastain!

Oh girl, oh no. Oh no no no.

Keri Russell!

Just one quick question: is this dress on backwards?

Julianne Moore!

I guess I'm not surprised that Julianne Moore is wearing a giant untied bowtie as a dress. I mean who else would? 

Amber Heard!

Prom Night 1991 up in here! I hope Amber will slow dance with me to "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday." Also that one side of the neckline makes it look like the dress is raising its eyebrow at me. 

Anne Hathaway!

Truly, the worst dress of the night. This thing is.... well, you know what it is. It's a Full Patton.