Golden Globes 2019 Red Carpet Rundown: The Meh!

Before we begin I would like to say that there are a lot of very pretty looks included in what you are about to consume. I know that but none of them wowed me. You know, there can be 100 dresses in the room and 99 of them are boring... and here they are.

THE MEH

Michael B. Jordan!

The world's fave boyfriend looks as beautiful as he ever has and the pant length is perfection but I feel that double breasted coat just swallows him up. *Insert swallow joke here wink wink nudge nudge.*

Sterling K. Brown (seen here with Ryan Michelle Bathe)!

See above. Maybe I just don't like double breasted coats? *Insert double breast joke here wink wink nudge nudge.*

Emily Blunt!

To her credit she was the prettiest doily.  

Saoirse Ronan!

I'm super into this dress. It's like the high-end glam version of Rose McGowan's 1998 VMAs dress crossed with Farrah Moan's S9 entrance look and I am here for it! But the earrings are the incorrect choice and this hair is too flat. I know I may never get it but I long for some really interesting hair on this gal. 

Danai Gurira!

This color story is fantastic on her and her makeup is flawless. I'm sure this dress actually fits her fine and just needs to be hoiked up on the left. My real quibble is the big orange bow - specifically the bow train. I either want it to have more flow or more structure. 

Phoebe Waller-Bridge!

A beautiful dress that seems to be missing half the cups because I fear she is a prime candidate for going tits ahoy at any moment. Could Use A Necklace.

Allison Janney!

Speaking of prime candidates for going tits ahoy and speaking of a dress in need of being hoiked up! What I wouldn't pay to give this dress a big tug in the northerly direction. Look at the sleeves! It needs a hoik! That said, I love the draping and color of the dress and I am here for this gigantic padlock necklace like she's some sort of couture Sid Vicious. 

Ricky Martin!

The tux is great, the coif is right, the beard is perfect, but that tiny little bowtie is actually comical.

Alex Borstein!

I really like this except for the shape of the neckline, the unnecessary brooch, and the hair pin. If you eliminate the brooch at the shoulder, it streamlines the gown and doesn't break up the line of what you are seeing. I think without the brooch I might be more on board with the shape of the neckline. The hair pin, to me, makes this a bit costumey and less elegant. 

Penelope Cruz!

This looks like the formal version of those galaxy leggings that I'm sure some online algorithm is going to try to sell me now that I have mentioned them.

Jamie Lee Curtis!

It fits great and you know I always celebrate an ode to the vagina in formal wear but I want a glittery shoe, a pop of color either with shoes or bag, and a big bold lip. 

Bradley Cooper (seen here with Irina Shayk)!

Tell me something boy
Is it hard wearing all that white
I think the fit is great
But this color I can't validate
HahhhOhAhHAAAAHHWWWOAHWOAHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Rachel Brosnahan!

I quite like this dress but the color washes her out completely. 

Amy Adams!

The color is great on her but everything else is a major snooze. When will women start wearing lip color on the red carpet again? I am so sick of these beige lips. 

Mj Rodriguez!

I think this gown is fairly fabulous but the styling is missing the mark. Let's sweep the hair back or to the side so we can get the full effect of the caped sleeves. She looks stunning - I just want to see the full picture.

Jameela Jamil!

It's pretty, CUAN, and I am a bit bored.

Connie Britton!

Connie Britton in a white column gown with beautiful, flowing hair. Quelle surprise.

Felicity Huffman!

Tell me something I don't know, Felicity Huffman!

Catherine Zeta-Jones!

Snooze.

Kristen Bell!

Oh girl, not baby pink. I want more for you. Specifically more saturation of color.

Octavia Spencer!

I love this and it's almost perfect, but I think the neckline comes up a little high and makes her look shorter than she is.

John Krasinski!

He looks good and I love a navy tux but I'm on the fence about the tie size and oh boy do I hate those shoes.

Patricia Clarkson!

Is it sherbet or sherbert? 

Linda Cardellini!

I think it's okay? Maybe? I actually have no idea if this is good or bad or just kind of boring in a way that wants to be interesting. So it's Meh.

Charlize Theron!

It's fine and (yawn) she is stunning but I want something more sartorially exciting from Charlize. 

La Klum!

I cannot wait to see the finished gown!