Thursday, January 16, 2014

Golden Globes 2014 Rundown: The WTF

As you know, my dear readers, usually The WTF pile is just a few entries - truly the headscratchers of the bunch. This time around, it's HUGE. Away we go!


Zooey Deschanel!
You know, if she and Sally Hawkins stood next to each other it would be a cute little granny club. I have no idea why she's basically wearing matted up fairy dust as a skirt with a quilted crop top. I take it back. I totally know why. Because Zooey Deschanel. What really propels this look into WTF territory for me is the spiky shoes of death. LOOK AT THEM.

Lizzy Caplan!
I was not aware that MC Escher designed couture.

Megan Mullally!
True facts: I love her haircut/color and I am really happy that she rocked the glasses on the RC. Other true facts: Megan Mulally's real name is Lola. She is a showgirl.

Diane Keaton! For reasons other than her outfit!
This is actually my favorite suit of the night. She looks absolutely amazing and incredible.  But then...

As I sat there, alone on my couch, I looked around the room with wide eyes exclaiming, "What the actual fuck!?" None of the ghosts or imaginary friends could believe this was happening either.

Hayden Panettiere!

Guys, this is me trying to look at this ensemble:

Nope Nope Nope Octopus

Drew Barrymore!
I kind of feel bad dinging Drew for this dress because of course that is what Drew Barrymore wore to the Golden Globes. That said, WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS DRESS?! Our best friend there in the background certainly doesn't seem to want to even look at it!

Attractive Men With Sad Updos: A Ranking!

Are we doing this? OH YES WE ARE.

Joaquin Phoenix: Slightly Troubling!
It's not great but it's not terribly offensive. On a related topic, I love bearded Joaquin. On a completely unrelated topic, I wish Joaquin had a better sense of humor about himself.

Jordan Catalano: The Half-Bun Heard Round the World!
Now, I do have to give credit where it is due: he at least took the time to tuck some hair around the bun section, effectively hiding the elastic band. That's fairly remarkable considering he decided to wear his hair in a style usually chosen by girls on the lacrosse team.

Alex Ebert: Defcon 1
Is this guy in Mumford and Sons? No seriously. I vote him as the guy at the Golden Globes most likely to know all the words to every Bright Eyes song ever written.

Emma Stone!
This dress is the phrase "what is this I don't even" personified. Because for real, you guys, what is this? I can't.

Jacqueline Bisset!
Just think: this photo was taken before Jacqueline Bisset decided to play a round of The Quiet Game with the entire world. The Quiet Game, while loved by parents and babysitters, turns out to be a little weird when you play it in a room full of actors during an awards show. In other news, this dress is what costume jewelry wants to be when it grows up.

Emma Watson!
Oh. I mean, it's okaaaaay. It's kind of bland and the shoes seem really off. Why was everyone talking about--

Julia Roberts!
This is heavily reminiscent (to me) of what Melissa Leo wore to the Oscars in 2012. I don't understand the collared shirt. NO ONE understands the collared shirt. The dress is fine without it, a little basic but not offensive. WTF is happening here?

Zoe Saldana!
Please think about this: both Zoe Saldana and her stylist looked at this "dress" and said, "Yup. That's it. That's the one." The mind reels.

And finally, last but certainly not least...

Paula Patton!
Take Jennifer Garner's Oscar dress from last year. Add sleeves. Move the Ruffle of Doom to the front. BLAMMO! Paula Patton's dress. This is one of the craziest and least attractive dresses I have ever seen. And it has inspired me, my dear readers, to institute The Patton Scale. This dress is the top of the Patton Scale and may be invoked at any time during a Rundown. Sample sentence: "On a scale of one to Patton, this dress is a three." And then we'll brand it with this photo.

Big ups, love, and thanks to reader Bon for making our Patton Scale photo.

That's it for the Golden Globes. I am really sorry I didn't include a photo of Idris Elba anywhere because he is very very beautiful and needs to be part of all of our lives. I, do however, have this for you.

Comedy. Hotdog.

1 comment:

  1. These dresses make my eyes hurt. It's a good pain, though!