Friday, March 2, 2012

Oscar rundown 2012: The Bad!

It is time.


Maya Rudolph!

Looks like Ms. Thing went straight from Bridesmaids to Mother of the Bride. (uuugh, I know.) It's frumpy and unflattering. Methinks Maya needs some styling help.

Kate Mara!

I cannot decide if that's a sleeve, the world's fanciest sling, or if her dress is attacking her. One wrong move and this whole thing is going tits ahoy! And to make matters worse, this dress looks like an expensive lamp in a seaside tourist shop. Go home and start over, Mara. Take your lactating sister with you.

Julia Ormond!

EEK. Unflattering fit across the midsection, significantly under-applied makeup, and folk festival hair. I think my disappointment is heightened because I used to dream and wish to look like her. SIGH.

Sandra Bullock!

BULLOCK! WHY!? Can you not tell the difference between a bag and an Oscar gown? Do you seriously not understand that your features look far too severe when you wear your hair like that? Which friends told you to tuck an ill-fitting tshirt into a black skirt and wrap some ferns around your waist to keep the thing together? You need new friends.

Colin Firth and Wife Person!

Oh girl, oh no. Between the matchy-matchy lipstick, the twee little bow on her bag, the wall sconces on the bosom, and the sheer red modesty panels, the only good thing I can see about this woman's outfit is the sweet accessory to her right. You guys, this dress is SO BAD. So bad.

Lea Thompson!

Look at this and imagine it without the wrap and without the sequins. Maybe it's pink and striped instead. Is this or is this not the maxi dress you wrinkle your nose up at in the basement of Anthropologie? Someone call Doc Brown. I'm going to need to go back in time and convince Lea Thompson not to wear this tasteless, unflattering thing.

Melissa McCarthy!

Ditch the sleeves, lose the train, minimize the skirt volume, and change the color to navy blue. There: now you look great.

Shailene Woodley!

Oh man, do I hate this dress something fierce. It's far too mature for Shailene, for starters. This screams 3rd wedding at an inn in Vermont. For another thing, it's just slightly too long in the skirt and the band from waist to bust comes up just a hair too high, which makes her boobs appear saggy. I don't know, it just looks like an adult christening gown. YOU CAN DO BETTER.

Glenn Close!

Remember that part in Bridget Jones where Daniel Cleaver takes her on mini-break and she loses her scarf and her hair ends up one giant wind-blown mess? THAT IS NOT A GOOD INSPIRATION FOR A RED CARPET LOOK. As for the dress, it's just too much stuff. If we lop off that ridiculous train and maybe see the tux jacket in a different color, I think I could be on board with this. The green is perfect on her. The fit of the dress is imperfect, though. It seems to fit well in the torso but then you look from waist to knees and it's too tight but also bunching. Overall, this is simply not working.

Kristen Wiig!

I give up with this one. Wiig, you're on probation. Go over there and sit with Julie Bowen until you learn to wear colors and pick flattering silhouettes. You exhaust me.

Melissa Leo!

I am convinced that Melissa Leo has the worst fashion taste in Hollywood. Her dress is designed to look like a collared short-sleeved shirt worn under a strapless dress. I mean, let's just start there. On top of that, the dress is big on her. How to solve the problem of a sequined dress half a size too large? Just throw a silk scarf around your waist! The makeup is very natural and office-appropriate - ZONK. On top of it all, her shoes don't go with her outfit!

Here's the difference between Kristen Wiig and Melissa Leo and why I am not putting Melissa Leo on probation: I honestly believe that Kristen Wiig can do better, but I acknowledge that Melissa Leo is beyond hope. If something is ill-fitting or full-on bizarre, Melissa Leo will wear it proudly and think she looks awesome. And this is why I hope Melissa Leo is on every red carpet forever. Bless her heart.

1 comment:

  1. Kate Mara's "tits ahoy" dress could have worked on the right sort of sultry just wasn't HER.