Sometimes I think I look like this:
But then I look in the mirror and feel like this:
(Note: actual picture of me at age..12? 13?
I don't know, something awkward.)
My brain can be a scary place. Sometimes scary in a good way, like when I realize I can still balance chemical formulas (which makes NO SENSE since I haven't done that since high school). Sometimes scary in a bad way, like when I have very long imaginary conversations that go in circles. I mean loooong.
Something happened to me in the last three years and I turned into a person who day dreams about settling down and having 800 kids. Not 800. I'm no Duggar. But you know what I mean. My college self is HORRIFIED by these day dreams.
this girl is like "I am NEVER getting married! Feminism!"
(and Alex is like "Beer!")
this girl in the red is like "Marriage is a choice. Feminism!"
(and Cait is like "Drop it low at my reception!")
...but I know I have time. And I know I'm lucky that I live in this era where I can be almost 32 and feel like I have tons of time before science is like, "Now or never, beeyotch."
My sister is a brave girl going through some tough stuff. I am always too hard on her. She is never hard enough on me. We're working on being invincible together, though. This is my favorite picture of me and Stupidcleese. I always want us to be feeling like we look in this photo.
It is almost impossible for me to feel proud of my accomplishments in the moment. I don't know why, but I tend to want to store those moments away and deal with them later. Oh, if there is a failure? I absolute cloak myself in that and go through every piece of it for hours. A triumph? Think about it later. I wonder what exactly I think is going to happen if I feel proud of myself. I'll become some terrible jerk? MORE so than I already am?
We're all jerks. We all say stupid, hurtful things. We all ignore people out of ego or fear. We all talk shit about people. We all procrastinate and do things that set us back. We do it to ourselves. But we're all also capable of deep love, forgiveness, kindness, and restraint. We are capable of positive action. The challenge is to tamp down the jerk and let the awesome person show through.
My mom is a generous, funny, resilient, complicated woman. I know she always has my back and that I can pretty much always make her laugh. She has never told me there is anything I can't do. This is my favorite photo of me and my mom. It's pretty terrible, but it's us.
Indeed, that is an inflatable saxophone.
I spend more money on hair products and moisturizers than I do on food. Oil of Olay alone gets 10% of my yearly salary. I recognize that people may think this to be silly, but those people can bite me...and if you bite me, you'll find I am very soft. THANK YOU, OIL OF OLAY!
On this International Women's Day, it took me 5 tries to get dressed in an outfit I liked. I cried because I've gained weight. I also got my period. I'm feeling pretty low about some recent behavior. I feel like I should have so much more figured out by this point in my life than I do. I'm trying to be patient about my career. I'm feeling thankful for my friends, who are all very strong and very fabulous. I'm very lucky to have strong feminist men in my life. On this International Women's Day, it is so gorgeous outside that it feels like my heart might explode out of sheer hope for Spring. That's the truth.