Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Golden Globes 2014 Rundown: The MEH

We've come once again to the portion of our program where the looks are almost right. I hope you enjoy!


Tatiana Maslaney!
It's a fine dress, I guess, but it just doesn't fit. That's too bad, because she is lovely and I really like what's happening with her head.

Sandra Bullock!
Here's the thing: I really like this dress. I just don't like it on her. The shoes are spot-on, the hair is what she always does with her hair so I've accepted that and stopped wincing, and her makeup is lovely. But the dress doesn't seem like it should be on her body. I think I would have loved this on Jennifer Lawrence.

Anna Gunn!
That's a lot of fabric in the same color as her skin. The fit from the knees up is wonderful, but I wish this was three shades darker and that she had bothered to put on lipstick.

Kate Mara!
Guys, what are we going to do with Kate Mara? I mean, grading on a curve, this is a pretty good look for her. Too bad it looks so cheap.

Colin Farrell!
How to view Colin Farrell's suit without blinding yourself: find a large piece of posterboard or cardboard. Cut a smallish hole in the posterboard and cover it with tin foil. Pierce the tin foil, making a tiny hole. Through that hole it is safe to view this shiny, shiny suit without harming yourself. On the up side, it's a fairly good fit.

Emilia Clark!
The dress seems a bit heavy and the material gives me a headache, but it's otherwise fine. The styling on the other hand really clunkifies this look. The bracelet alone sinks it for me, but that clutch is just absolutely wrong and I hate her hair in this style for this look.

Gabourey Sidibe!
That dress is GLAM-MOR-OUS and it looks gorgeous on her, but again, the styling sinks it. Hate the clutch, hate the hair, and I want completely different makeup. An iridescent eyeshadow would have gone far in my book.

Taylor Swift!
 This is fine. It's a little bit "oops my dress fell down and exposed my black strapless bra," but I don't hideously object to it. The pinky color is pretty good for her. My problems are that the dress sits a little lower than I believe it is intended to, it definitely Could Use A Necklace, and that lipstick is all wrong.

Olivia Wilde!
I like so many things about this but I really cannot get over the fact that she looks like some sort of elegant supervillain.

Matthew McConaughey!
Yes, that is definitely a dark green velvet tux coat with matching velvet vest. And satin accent lapels. And he definitely said his wife calls him "her king" which is probably one of the weirdest things I've ever heard.

Sarah Hyland!
Sarah obviously chose this from the Claire Danes Collection Of Boring But Well-Cut Gowns. Don't love the color on her and absolutely cannot fathom what is happening on her head. Is that a straight up Sound of Music headbraid? Girl, no. Even Carrie Underwood's wigs looked better than that.

Leslie Mann!
Wait, can we talk about this pose for a moment? Why does she looks like she's in a hurricane? Or needs a V8? It's truly odd. I also regret to inform Ms. Mann that peplums are so two years ago, and this particular gown appears to be three inches too long on her. Great makeup, though!

Jennifer Lawrence!
The internet has basically said everything there is to say about the weird thigh band, so I don't feel the need to contribute to that. Unfortunately, even if there was only one accent around the waist, it would still be a snooze of a gown. I don't love her in true white, I wish she had a necklace, and I think perhaps she is wearing too much eyeshadow. Her hair looks great, I love the jewelry and the clutch, and I desperately need those earrings.

Kerry Washington!
As we have previously established, Kerry Washington is perfection and is always flawless. So you know I mean it when I say that this dress is a crime against Kerry Washington. It's so 1994, you guys. And the shoes don't help matters. I just can't.

Reese Witherspoon!
The color is great and the fit is very nice. So why I am so bored? OH. PS. Can we talk about how out of every single person in Hollywood, the person they picked to introduce 12 Years a Slave is Reese Freaking Witherspoon!? How did that decision get made? I wish you could have seen my face when I realized what she was introducing. In her boring-ish gown.

Michelle Dockery!
Brocade bedspreads without necklaces: the full story tonight at 11.

Robin Wright!
Hello Robin Wright's shoulders. Oh. Robin. Hi. I didn't see you there behind your shoulders. What I'm saying is: this is not the most flattering cut of dress for you. Even that girl in the background in blue won't look at you and she gave up on life when she saw Naomi Watts' dress...which is basically the same as yours.

Jenna Dewan-Tatum!
Guys, no lie: on the morning of the Golden Globes I watched the Lifetime Original Movie She Made Them Do It starring Jenna Dewan-Tatum with my sister and bffs. It was pretty amazing and you should probably watch it. Anyway, I feel like I really know Jenna now. This dress, on the other hand... I don't know. It feels like it's the cousin of Zosia Mamet's dress but it's the cousin who wears more makeup and always has a new boyfriend, you know? Also, I wish it had been let out a skosh on the bust. That just looks uncomfortable.

Ariel Winter!
Far, far too mature. Why is she trying to look 40? Sophia Vergara wore this gown in white to the SAGs last year. Hated it on her, don't love it on you either.

Allison Williams!
Is she afraid that someone is going to steal her shoulders? IS SHE AFRAID OF ROBIN WRIGHT?

Mayim Bialik!
This dress is okaaaaaay but it could be better tailored to Blossom. Also, this dress announces with great vigor that, indeed, the 90s are back in fashion. If we didn't pick it up from all the velvet, this Hot Topic prom gown really seals the deal.

Emma Thompson!
Let us all agree that Emma Thompson was one of the huge highlights of the night, tossing her shoes, handing her cocktail to the heir of Bacon, and generally being fabulous. I am in desperate need of her hair - I just absolutely love it. This dress, though, I don't love. I don't like the length of it, I don't like the way the bodice joins the skirt, I don't like the gold material and the giant rings around her nipples. Emma: you are a gift and you deserve better than this.


  1. Go Fug yourself has talked about how Mayim has religious restriction on her clothing... I think she's Orthodox Jewish (don't quote me on that) and prefers to keep her arms and decolletage covered. I'm guessing she got a new stylist who understands that. Having said all that, I don't love this look on her but she looks happy and lovely. She looked fantastic at the Peoples Choice Awards.

  2. You're absolutely right, Gina. I get what she's doing I just wish the dress fit her better.

    1. Absolutely! I feel like I would run around these events with safety pins and start pinning for fit. And if I were some of these designers, I would be yelling at the seamstress who altered the dresses cuz damn. I know sometimes they don't have a lot of time but if I can alter something, and alter it well, in an hour so can they.

  3. Emilia Clark's dress is a magic eye puzzle, but I CANNOT see the image!

  4. You say supervillain, I say shiny, shiny pregnant fish. I hated the cut of Olivia's dress so much. Other than that, most of these are pretty spot on for me, except Sandy B whose dress just doesn't do it for me at all.

  5. Your description for Allison Williams...I died.